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#237324 - 07/10/08 07:55 PM Figuring out my sexual self. Can you relate?T
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 856
Loc: washington
O.k. First I would like to thank everyone who contributed to my ( BDSM?) post. It was my first major post. It was very insightfull, comments both for and against.(I need to hear your truth.) It helps me learn and grow.

I got a p.m that basically said I was try to process my fantasies through the board. Since that time I have jumped over to a sister board dealing with this same issue.

Interestingly enough they have a bdsm thread (no opposition over there)

For me I don't honestly know within my dissociative states what is fantasy and what is reality. I do believe this is a sexual identity issue.(Or, at least a recovery issue).
I am a gentle soul, Always was, always will be. (that"s why I was such a good target). If however you feel my perception is wrong let me know and I will gently dissappear.(Who knows if I will come back).

Figuring out my sexual self is not easy, just the other day, I Identified, straight with bisex tendencies. Today I Identify, 100% straight and likes kinky sex.(Sharina)

Let my explain my confusion,I identify two personalities (that I turn on and off). I have not been officially diagnosed with split personality disorder.(what I have/where I go is close).

There is the male,masculine dominant self,(my inner child). The same personality that went to work today. Then there is a private feminine submisive side.I have named her Sharina.

This is so confusing,it's hard to put into words.In many ways it's more of a personality gender issue, than it is a sexual issue.

I don't even know how I got here. Was she created as a sacrifice,in order to protect me when I couldn't physically protect myself? (six to seven years old). How about within the realm of the shame of being made gay? I was to young to process,what was happening to me.

All I know is she, is in a cage inside myself. I cannot pretend she doesn't exist anymore than I can deny, my male child within.

You know the other day I was future tripping about this. Concerning disclosure in a future relationship.

I really can't put it into words how HARD and how CONFUSING this is for me.

All I know is I welcome your comments, If you can relate, PLEASE, light the trail for me.


island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#237345 - 07/10/08 09:20 PM Re: Figuring out my personal self. Can you relate?T [Re: 1islandboy]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5777
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Island:
Sexual abuse can cause a lot of different responses and reactions in people. Some identify with the abuser and may seek that power over others in sexual or non-sexual ways. Others may focus on the penis as an object of power and become sexual but this time, as adolescents or adults, they are in charge and can say what they want to do and with whom.

Other times, it can play out with taking on a feminine role, perhaps as you might have done with the personna Shanina, where you are not the victim but someone who is now an adult and can say with whom and what you are willing to do (or somehow control what is done by you-as opposed to being the victim of someone else when you had no control.)

It's all pretty complicated and most people need a good therapist to sort out what it all means. Your are right that it is confusing and complicated it can be. Probably not a do it yourself project but maybe some of the comments here can help.


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#237348 - 07/10/08 10:05 PM Re: Figuring out my personal self. Can you relate?T [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
Firstly, I just put this as the number one best response ever!!
"Probably not a do it yourself project..." I love that!

Okay, sorry, I am easily distracted.

Hey, 1islandboy,


Hmmm?

"There is the male,masculine dominant self,(my inner child). The same personality that went to work today. Then there is a private feminine submisive side."

If we were to remove the perception that male is domininant and female is submissive...which is certainly a learned perception...then, what? Are they, then, simply different aspects of a personality that compliment one another?

I like to cook, I used to make my girl's clothes...but I also like to build houses. They are not in conflict with one another. They compliment one another.

Interesting post,1islandboy, it's going to be cool to see what the responses will be.

CD


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#237387 - 07/11/08 01:15 AM Re: Figuring out my personal self. Can you relate?T [Re: CDavid]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 856
Loc: washington
CDavid,

After I read your first two sentences I laughed. Thanks I needed that. At the end of my post I sent a P.M. to one of the "Guardian Angels". At the end of my P.M. I started crying. Then I regrouped with an A.A. meeting.

I'm your classic "stuffer". I stuff my feelings as far down inside as possible, I hold it down with drugs and alcohol.

Now that I am sober, I feel the full force of my emotions. Sometimes thats a good thing, and some times ...

I feel maybe I should elaborate a little on what I've found in my recovery.

There is a book called, "Speaking Our Truth, By Neal King".

It says, (edited for content) "He had blocked out the realization that he both hated but also loved his big brother for... He had taken the torture and eroticized it".

When I read that, you could have knocked me over with a feather.

Maybe, I have DID(new term). Maybe, I just learned to hide/survive in a fantasy.

Either way, I'm not looking for a label. I'm looking for the solution.

One things for sure, I had big problems by NOT disclosing to my ex wife. The sick attract the sick. Communication was disfunctional, I own my half. At any rate, glad she is gone.

Which leads my to.(future tripping a little). How do I disclose I am a freak...I am guessing...s...l...o...w...l...y ???

If I let Sharina out of the cage without a leash, I'm guessing this fem, might bust my door upon leaving.

The only up side...I can think of is... Sarina fantasizes about female worship...i.e. foot massages...fem's ought to enjoy that.



Sometimes lyrics help me explain, what I ordinarily could not...

..."And I'M wasted, and I can't find my way home".

Seriously trying to find the way,

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#237400 - 07/11/08 03:25 AM Re: Figuring out my personal self. Can you relate?T [Re: 1islandboy]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
"Either way, I'm not looking for a label. I'm looking for the solution."

Somebody here once said, "Labels is for cans." I liked that. I hate labels, too.

You know, island,

I was diagnosed as multiple by my first therapist. Personally, I like the old terms, you knew what you were getting. Manics were manic and Multiples were multiples. DID sounds a little too much like a bug repellant to me. You say, "D.I.D." to most people and they'll say, "You DID what?" I love the jokes, some of em are great. I had a greeting card that said, very simply, across the top, "D.I.D. Convention" Everybody on the card had about five name tags on. It was hilarious.

Truth of the matter is, yea, it is a little freaky. I started out with my current therapist almost three years ago and I said, in the opening interview, "I will not lie to you. But that truth might change from day to day." Oddly, he got it. He smiled, I was surprised. "You get that then?" I asked. "I do," he said. I was sold.

I understand what you are saying, island, I get it.

So...about a year or so into it, I ask him, "You think I am a multiple?" He shakes his head no. Not sure whether to be excited or bummed out, I asked, "Why?" And, he told me.

I understand the analogies, it is like a house with many rooms. Ordinarily the rooms might be connected by a hallway. Ordinarily the rooms have doors. Ordinarily the doors can be opened and closed. We all might disconnect to one degree or another, some of us more than others. We might even stuff it into one of the rooms, close the door. Still, others are forced to build their houses with no doors and no hallways. Like so many things, there are degrees. Not unlike "normal." I aspired to be normal and realized much later on in life that in the process I had left the coolest part of me behind.

Who knows? Maybe Sharina's gonna be the one to change the world. Because, thankfully, normal is not this narrow little spot on the scale of life...it extends across a whole big wide range of people and behaviors. We are normal...we just got a little more color than the "average" person.

Look at what is necessary...as we wander through this. As it is happening, it is so far out of our frame of reference to understand. In order to move around in the real world, we have to deny it, minimize it, rationalize it away to a certain degree, at least. Then, we defend ourselves by becoming hypervigilant to protect ourselves against it. So...we deny it, but build a series of defenses to protect ourselves from it.

Maybe that works, maybe, not so much, but we make it through. Now, what? Everything that once worked, now, is obsolete. Who knew?

Who knew that the need to conceal would eventually lead you to the point where what socks you had on on any given day should be kept secret? Or, when your partner asks you how your day went, you respond by saying, "I didn't do nuthin. Why?" Suddenly the real world wants you to feel, to communicate, to participate.


What is real?

Good question, island...


CD


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#237542 - 07/11/08 06:11 PM Re: Figuring out my sexual self. Can you relate?T [Re: 1islandboy]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6811
Loc: USA
Island,

There is so much in you that is wise and strong and discerning. I also like your sense of humor. I like the idea of being a gentle soul. I likewise am a gentle soul. Yes, it may be that renders us more susceptible to abuse. There are plenty of Rambo types in the world and not enough gentle souls.

DID works in a very utilitarian way. Although it seems like fantasy stuff it is put there by us to protect ourselves. We can't face some very tough stuff as children, so we partition off a self who can deal with that problem. The one who is there (I never liked the word "alter") is there to handle a particular problem. If it is a submissive female self needed, then that is what was demanded by the situation. In my case I think it was a "sexy boy" self who was able to respond to abuse. Then there is a memory partition so that the separate personalities are not able to access the memory system of the others. I learned to do this as a very small boy without anybody teaching me. Yet it is more complex than this. The partitioning of our mind I think usually goes on during sleep, but in the case of horrendous abuse it may happen much more quickly.

When I was about 20, I journaled for a short while. When I look at the entries now it is startling because every day I was writing with a different handwriting. Yet I was totally unaware of what I was doing. (I didn't consciously notice that I was writing with different handwritings). At that time I never really saw that I was writing like that. This implies that as a young man I may have had as many personalities as days in the week. Even now that is the manifestation I still have. But I don't have very much amnesia from day to day now, but I have a set of "moods" which occur daily withing a weekly regimen. My Saturday "mood" is usually stormy and troubled. Now that I know this it helps to act meaningfully on Saturdays. For several years I was a bear market to my wife on Saturdays.

I think it made performance in educational classes more difficult because I would take notes in class in one personality but then a different personality had to take the test. But yet I was coherent enough to have attended the classes and taken the tests no matter what. I think that a lot of the partitions between the personalities or alters is incomplete. There is some passage of information between the different ones. Again it depended on what was needed at the time. I think this is what happened in my case where I had quite a bit of early abuse followed by several years of relative stability. I think healing occurred during those years. I also think spontaneous healing goes on through the years as the dissociation is no longer needed. But it really helps to have intervention by a trusted T to help with this. Remember the whole idea behind DID is that is a self-induced amnesia to the various personalities. So it is a mind game. With something like this we need the help of a trusted person to help us discern where we have blinded ourselves.

I remember several symptoms from when I was a boy of say 9-yrs-old. My family would often take car trips during the summer. I could read maps then. But I would fall asleep in the car. When I awoke the perception of the map would be reversed, like if you looked at it in a mirror. This was confusing. East and West and north and south were reversed. Since we lived in Colorado where the mountains were in the west, I could look up and verify which way was truly west. This in retrospect seems like kind of a dyslexia. I think it was tied in with my reading problem.

Another symptom I had a lot as a child was a lot of "deja vue" experiences. Here again this was particularly evident during our car trips. I would awaken and in passing through a town I would have a strong sense that I had been there before. This may be explained neurologically by the signal in the brain following two separate pathways to its perceptual goal. One of the pathways was slightly longer than the other, arising to the feeling of having been there before. The separate pathways were around the partition put up by the DID process.

So, how many DIDs did I have? We can never know exactly now because the evidence was dissolved by the healing processes. But most likely it would correspond with the numbers of types of abuse I went through. So, I have Pufferfish stories parts 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5. Plus the main guy. Maybe this is true.

Island, I hope I have answered your question.

Puffer


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#237589 - 07/11/08 09:45 PM Re: Figuring out my sexual self. Can you relate?T [Re: pufferfish]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 856
Loc: washington
CDavid and Pufferfish,

Thanks for lighting the trail for me.

I have always wondered what is wrong with me. One things for certain I need to be hyper- vigilant about not dissociating at work. I need to stay in my body. I operate industrial grade backhoes and big rigs. You don't wan't to drop a full garbage trailer without going through the neccessary steps. It is possible for trailers weigh up to 26 tons,thats 52,000 lbs. I try to score more than I fumble. (pulling back) This is only one scenario, The bottom line is, if I screw up big enough, the penalty is death. I Don't wan't that. While were close to the subject, I had a relative commit suicide. My dad said,"suicide is a permanent solution, for a temporary problem." (how profound).

One solution, that has helped me beyond di>
_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#238155 - 07/14/08 07:32 PM Re: Figuring out my sexual self. Can you relate?T [Re: 1islandboy]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 856
Loc: washington
O.K. Probably not a do it yourself project,

I understand and have disclosed Sharina's existance to my T.

My question now is: In order to make my therapy more successfull are there books or websites in which I can expand my knowledge of DID, especially highlighting/ focusing on the androgenous angle?


just dropped in, to see what condition, my condition was in. (Kenny Rodgers)

1islandboy

p.s. seeking advise from survivors and the Guardian Angels. ( Mod Team)

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#238165 - 07/14/08 08:20 PM Re: Figuring out my sexual self. Can you relate?T [Re: 1islandboy]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
Well, island,


There's an interesting statistic out there that reads something like this...a lot of people that are diagnosed as D.I.D. significantly improve after they quit therapy. Which is the statistic most often quoted by the nay-sayers, suggesting that surviovors are very often at high risk from unscroupulous or just plain stupid therapists that would use it as a diagnosis because D.I.D. is a tough knot and usually requires a lengthy therapy process.

But, you've walked in "disclosing" to your T.

Hmmm?

What did yer T say?


CD


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#238181 - 07/14/08 09:12 PM Re: Figuring out my sexual self. Can you relate?T [Re: 1islandboy]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6811
Loc: USA
I have some specific ideas about how to deal with Sharina.

Too much to put here right now. I can either PM you or post my ideas here later.

Puffer .


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#238184 - 07/14/08 09:22 PM Re: Figuring out my sexual self. Can you relate?T [Re: CDavid]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6811
Loc: USA
I had a single T who worked with me on DID.

I devised some of my own therapies and moved much more rapidly than he expected. But it kind of backfired because then I became very discontent with what he was doing.

I would be happy to share these self-devised therapies as time permits on this MS board if I can figure out how to do it constructively.

DID is so much different than depicted in the early movies such as the 3 Faces of Eve and Sybil. Mainly, it usually a much more mild condition and can be amenable to treatment. Most or all of us though need some professional help with the problem. Why? Because the nature of DID is to keep information from ourself because we can't handle it when it happened (usually as a child). Just think about it. If our brain has been "partitioned" so that we can't "see" certain areas, then how can we even know how to deal with it.

On the other side of the fence is the fact that DID is set up to handle certain conditions. When these conditions are no longer in place, apparently the brain can begin to sense this and let down some of those barriers spontaneously.

Puffer


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#238193 - 07/14/08 09:57 PM Re: Figuring out my sexual self. Can you relate?T [Re: pufferfish]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
I guess the point really to be made is...that if you are paddling yer five man boat around the sound and each of you are paddling in a different direction...it is going to take a whole lot more energy, time and frustration to get to your destination.

Sharina know where you want to go?


:-)


CD


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#238255 - 07/15/08 03:19 AM Re: Figuring out my sexual self. Can you relate?T [Re: pufferfish]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 856
Loc: washington
CD and puffer,

First I would like to thank you both, You've helped me immensly (more than you'll ever know). Everyone else that I haven't acnowledged I value your insight also.

First of all I would like to say my T has 28years of experience. I have complete faith in her. In fact, no matter what I say to this mature lady, I can't shake her, rattle her cage,yank her chain, so to speak. (She has more experience than anyone else on this island). I have had bad experiences on this island w/t's. If I'm any judge of character she is really good.

Sometimes she gives me advise that I'm not in 100% agreement when she gives it. Upon reflection and reasearch her advise is ALWAYS spot on.

CD, to answer your question. after disclosing (halfway through the session) She didn't say anything, I'm sure she's one to not comment at the time, before she gives wrong direction. What she did do was give me an assignment to journal on fear.

I don't know If I've expressed it yet but I feel I am islandboy in my head, and Sharina in my heart.

Let's pretend it's all in my head. I am sure you've read my post about spirituality and organized religion, and how there is no conflict there. I feel the same here, Islandboy and Sharina live in the same house (my body). I feel different and yet I feel the same. Like what Jung said no internal conflict. Wholeness, with Sharina and islandboy, just different mindset (personalities). Switching from male to female and vice versa.

To elaborate further, If I leave my body (dissociate) into Sharina. She is still me. It's Kinda like when I operate a backhoe, It is an extension of my will. That being said, I don't always conciously, (dissociate) , many times under stress I accidently find myself there.

Did I make any sense?

Let me leave you with a song about Loverboys dragster (My backhoe song).

I'm not a man or machine, I'm just something in between.

1islandboy

p.s. When I read that paragraph by Jung, I was feeling pretty normal, now I'm feeling crazy again.

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#238262 - 07/15/08 07:11 AM Re: Figuring out my sexual self. Can you relate?T [Re: 1islandboy]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
island,


When I disclosed to my therapist, she was the very first person I had ever told. As I said, my father was a manic that cycled very quickly, my mother was Mother Superior of denial. When I disclosed to her, the first words out of her mouth were, "At least it was just once." Which, I followed up with, "No, Mom, it was not just once." Later, she followed it up with, "He did what he did to you, to get back at me."

My mother's favorite saying, as we were growing up, was, "You know that is the way he is. Why did you ________ (fill in the blank)?" He was rarely held accoutable for his actions.

It seems odd to me now, but all of my experiences seemed to be lined up behind the first time for me. I was three years old. I believed, absolutely, that it was my fault. I described the incident to my therapist and she seemed actually surprised that I still saw it as my fault. She asked me to write it out. Go home, just start writing.

As I wrote it out, things that I had never questioned before did not make sense anymore. That sort of became the way we worked on it. I would write, send it in to her. She'd pull it out and we would discuss it.

After several months went by, I went in on my regularly scheduled day, at the regularly scheduled time...she had everything that I had written sitting out. "Do you see," she asked, "how dramatically different your handwriting is in each if these?" I had written them out by hand. It was true, some days it was very neat, very orderly, other days the penmanship was huge with sweepingly large penmanship...with just about every variation you could think of in-between.

We had "the talk" about M.P.D. It made sense to me, what she was suggesting. And, honestly, I so longed for something that made sense right about then. Certainly, her conclusions were not simply because of the handwriting. It included my ability to, as I say, "wander off." And, several other factors that she had discussed with her collegues.

Along the way, I argued that I am a husband, a father, a brother, a son. I am a friend, a co-worker and a survivor. Many roles that required something different from each. A different "mindset" as you say. But I could feel it, the emergence of a five year old, an eight year old and a twelve year old. Being a father, I recognized those ages as critical ages of development where certain changes become obvious.

I would not say I openly embraced the diagnosis of M.P.D., in fact, after that intervention, of sorts, I started typing everything out. Sending it in typewritten instead of writing it out by hand. And along the way it has helped me to embrace the, sort of, reality of it all.

What he did to me. How he did it over and over and how that affected my life. How I built and developed strategies over the years to protect myself from it, how I assumed the responsibility for it...and how that no longer served me well.

Because...I kept doing the same things over and over, expecting different results. And, we know that's crazy, uh?

But if the diagnosis of D.I.D. is to inform, I decided, then, okay. Then, I accept that. But given my experiences, where he rarely took responsibility for his actions...I convinced myself that the diagnosis would not be an excuse or reason to dismiss or discourage me from taking responsibility for my actions or feelings.


:-)


CD


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#238457 - 07/16/08 06:21 AM Re: Figuring out my sexual self. Can you relate?T [Re: CDavid]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 856
Loc: washington
Ashiatsu (final frontier).

Footnote: I guess I only hit the preview reply, I can't believe I have to type this ALL over again.

I showed up at my massage therapists waiting room, and she was waiting at the far end of the couch. (as usual).

I got her up to speed, since our last session. I put ten dollars on the table, as a tip, and presented a dragonfly (made out of one piece of wire, as a paperweight/present, for my gratitude). In the past I have given her pretty shells.

I learned the last session that I need to yield all resistance. The best way to help, is to not try and not help. True relaxation, is established by letting go ABSOLUTELY.

In order to achieve this goal, I decided, in lieu of picking a destination, I would instead try and be an object. First I tried to be butter, this form turned out to be counterproductive as it was to fluid.

Next I tried Ice, this form had merit, and she melted my persona layer by layer. As an added benifit to this total relaxation, she was able to dish out a deeper level of pain/relief. This form worked well on the overbar foot pressure part.

When I turned over, I had to modify this form to ice in water. The form needed to be more fluid, as she was manipulating my legs, arms and neck.

This is when, I first took flight and left my body. With no destination in mind I quickly returned. I then started exploring. Just being newly hatched from the frozen tundra, I couldn't stay out long. I managed to keep going out in several directions though.

This was when I noticed in my peripherial vision, that an equal number of body memories showed up on both sides. About ten total. I didn't have a lot of control, but managed to investigate both sides for a limited time. One thing that was clear to me was that I understood these memories, as I viewed them.

Even though I understood them, I could not remember/recall what I saw. Maybe next time.

Let me stop at this point, to explain that I have never experienced this sensation before. If I dissociate while under stress, my goal is to hide, honestly, I don't know who is left in my body at this point, but I'm guessing it is Sharina. Given the same scenerio, while not under stress, I can easily turn into Sharina.

This experience was pure, in that the ice form was ONE entity.

my last venture out I arrived at a place that looked like an crystal ice garden.

In the forefront of this scene, I saw the most spectacular, elabarate, well detailed and fragile looking crystal ice dragonfly, I have ever seen (no shit, it's a first). It was really a wonder to behold, I tried to take my massage therapist there ,but I don't think it works this way.

She wrapped up the session by cupping my face with both hands, it is here that she holds me. I can't explain how, but she holds me. After a spell, this is when she leaves and we debrief in the waiting room.

Before I left, she had a surprise for me. A book to borrow. it is titled, Concious Breathing, by Gay Hendrick Ph. D.

It's three thirty in the morning , and I am totally exhausted . I feel compelled to share what an amazing trip it was. I've got another trip scheduled in two weeks.

Not that I have any idea what I am talking about, but in the meantime, I was wondering if it would help me, to investigate kundalini yoga or buddhist meditation
before I take my next trip?


Learning to fly, but I aint got wings (Tom Petty). If he's sold out, You can get tickets with either New Floyd or Slaughter.

1islandboy

p.s. I find it curious, that I was reading a post on the illumination of buddhism and later that day I attended a step ten meeting. (same message, different words).



Edited by 1islandboy (07/16/08 01:06 PM)
_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#238589 - 07/16/08 10:29 PM Re: Figuring out my sexual self. Can you relate?T [Re: 1islandboy]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
Even though the road here has been hard, island...I got to admit that the results are far more than I imagined they would be.

About a year or so ago, I was sitting in my T's office and we were discussing a particularly nasty memory I have. Ever notice how they seem relevant to what might be going on in your life at the time?

So, we were just exploring it. He said, "Move closer to it, or further away from it or me...and see what happens." Reluctant to get closer to the memory I got down on the floor and sat there. He asked if he could, too.

It came in like a huge wave and crashed over me, I instinctively put my arms up to protect my face, my ears. Because I hate the sting of a belt on my ears. And...I wandered away. After several minutes I realized where I was, opened my eyes and he was just sitting there. He said, very matter of factly, "Welcome back." Like I had gone out for coffee and just come back in.

I know I must have looked embarrassed. I had never let anyone see it before, not like that. He said, "No, it is what got you here." He held out his hand...and I thought of the way my daughter use to hang on to my thumb, wrap her entire little hand around it as we walked, and I wrapped my hand around his thumb, leaned forward, falling into him.

It was the first time in my life, I remember feeling safe. I asked him, like a little kid might, if I could keep it. He just said, "Yes."

It is a seed, the truth sets it free, courage gives it flight and it grows outward now to many more truly important people in my life.

It is an odd gift, isn't it?


:-)


CD


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#238610 - 07/17/08 12:08 AM Re: Figuring out my sexual self. Can you relate?T [Re: CDavid]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 856
Loc: washington
Thank You CD,

Odd indeed! My dad has E.S.P. (no doubt, in my mind). I had E.S.P. too. My unkle, (perp) took that from me. A PRECIOUS GIFT, from the divine one. I've given up on that dream, that I'll ever get this power back.

The divine one has bestowed a new gift. I feel that there might be a shift. I didn't realize it until now. I went out as ONE entity. I feel as if the partition, might be gone. This is just beyond bizarre. In the end, I feel as if there's, nothing left to figure out, and this whole exercise is just a journal of my progress. At this point, I wont even rule out that, I saw the divine one him/her self. If we were to see the divine one, in all his/her glory could our minds handle it? Like I said, the dragonfly, was TRUE PERFECTION.

My posts are all over, so I don't know if I posted it here. There was another place of refuge. I hid in the music. (I HEAL, in the music). Every prayer/devotion I make includes: SEE ME, FEEL ME, TOUCH ME, HEAL ME. (Always from the humility angle). The BIG BOOK, warns us against other avenues (Egoism type motives). Perhaps my prayers have been answered, and it is as simple as that.

How can he be saved,from the eternal grave? (Tommy)

island

p.s. still going back in two weeks.


_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#247926 - 09/02/08 08:12 PM Re: Figuring out my sexual self. Can you relate?T [Re: 1islandboy]
oneday Offline


Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 8
Loc: pacific northwest
hello , i am new here. i want to say thank you very much for the topic and this thread.
i have so many (all!) of the same issues. for years i thought i was bi or tg or tv ,pre-op or non-op, or, or,....
well i'm still not sure, but it's a relief to know i'm not the only one thinking about this stuff. back when i was much much younger i was diagnosed with g.i.d. (thats what they called it in the 70's i guess?) finding a name for it is kind of important to me. but finding out i am not alone means so much more.


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