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#237290 - 07/10/08 05:09 PM Help for my son
addison70 Offline


Registered: 07/10/08
Posts: 7
Loc: texas
I am the parent of 3 children( 2 girls and 1 boy) that were sexually abused by their father. The abuse lasted over several yrs since my children were very young. All 3 of them have been in & out of counseling for the past 4 1/2 years since my oldest daughter made her out cry. My son is havin some problems dealing with it. Since I have found out, he is using drugs, stealin, becoming more & more angry, has control issues, sneaking out, poor grades, skippin school, doesnt follow rule & is gettin in trouble with the police. I am at my witts end. He seems to take most of his anger out on me. I am determined to help him get passed this. If anyone has any advice or knows of any where that I may be able to get help for him, plz let me know.


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#237298 - 07/10/08 06:08 PM Re: Help for my son [Re: addison70]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hello, addison70, and welcome to MS. I'm so sorry this all happened to your family, I know it must seem like a nightmare that never ends for all involved. The actions of your son sound like typical acting out responses for a child that has been abused. You said he has been in counseling for 4 1/2 years. Have you been able to see any improvement at all in him due to the counseling? Has the counseling been all with the same counselor? I ask because I'm wondering if perhaps this counselor(s) just aren't being effective with him. It may be that they are good with your daughters but just not with your son. I wonder if perhaps a different counselor would be a possibility? I've had several therapists, and not all were good (one was a horrible failure).

Again, welcome here, and I hope you find some answers here.

_________________________
Eddie

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#237550 - 07/11/08 07:14 PM Re: Help for my son [Re: EGL]
addison70 Offline


Registered: 07/10/08
Posts: 7
Loc: texas
he has been to several counselors. I have even has them tell me I am wastin my money cuz he isnt ready to deal with it. My son doesnt want to talk about it. I have tried both female and male counselors but he doesnt trust anyone. It is very frustrating.


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#237563 - 07/11/08 08:05 PM Re: Help for my son [Re: addison70]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Trust is such a huge issue with teens in general. Survivors of sexual abuse are even more sensitive to trust.

I truly feel for you and your family. Please, let your son know that you will always love him, but also let him know that you have boundaries. Eventually, if he keeps getting into trouble, he's going to need to deal with the consequances.

You never mentioned how old your son is. However, I think some of his therapists have had good points. If he's not ready to deal with it, you really can't force him. I wish the best for all of you if that is the case.

I might also recommend showing him this site. Perhaps if he was to meet other guys, and even other kids his age, who have been through some of the same stuff, he might start to open up. Yes, there are teenagers here. They need this place as much as anyone.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#237577 - 07/11/08 09:05 PM Re: Help for my son [Re: BJK]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
addison:
I usually tell kids (I generally don't see them under 13) that they should give the therapist three meetings before passing judgment. That may be hard for kids to do but if he is able to keep an open mind for three, he might come around to find the therapist to be someone who can help him.

To add on to Bryan's post, the kids here are generally at least 13 and if he's a teen, he might be able to relate to their stories or issues. If he's younger or if he just wants to let it be for now, it can be difficult to make him see someone. Sometimes it is like telling a kid that even he doesn't want to go to the doctor or dentist because the procedure is painful or uncomfortable, he should do it for preventing later problems. Unfortunately, a lot of kids look only to the present discomfort and don't want to do something that might be unpleasant now versus the possibility of later problemss.


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#237580 - 07/11/08 09:18 PM Re: Help for my son [Re: addison70]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6815
Loc: USA
addison70,

We don't really know the age of your son.

I can guess at some of what he is thinking. This is a bit dangerous and it is a guess.

I. He is angry
1 angry at what was done to him
2 he is angry at you. He is thinking you didn't protect him.
3 he is thinking that the girls were somehow preferentially treated.
II. He is acting out this anger away from home
III. There are people out there who he feels accept him better than home and that help him relieve his pain
some kind of cheap thrill to take his mind off his pain.
IV. He feels gratified at playing anger toward you for the above reasons.
V. He is interested in either drugs or sex of gang membership to relieve his pain

Puffer


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#237584 - 07/11/08 09:29 PM Re: Help for my son [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
addison70 Offline


Registered: 07/10/08
Posts: 7
Loc: texas
My son just turned 17. My girls are 19 & 15. I am going to tell him about this site. I think that is a good idea. He will be able to talk about what happened w/o worring what people think of him. That may help him some. I tell him constantly that I love him but also let him deal with the consequences of things he is doing. It has been a hard road. I deal with all this myself. My exhusbands family(their fathers) will not have anything to do with them. That has caused other issues I believe because we were closer to his than mine. My family has never been too involve in my kids lives. So for my son, he has no male actively involved in his life. I think that to has caused some of his issues....thanks for the input. I love my kids more than anything in this world and am determined to get them through this...the trial is set again for sept & I am afraid things may get worse the closer it gets (that is what has happened in the past when we were suppose to start trial). I want to try and get them as strong as I can b4 it gets here.


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#237592 - 07/11/08 10:13 PM Re: Help for my son [Re: pufferfish]
addison70 Offline


Registered: 07/10/08
Posts: 7
Loc: texas
I think you got most of it correct. It happened to all of them and because of that they have a bond like I have never seen b4. I think that he does some of the things towards me because he knows I love him and I will never leave him.


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#237593 - 07/11/08 10:23 PM Re: Help for my son [Re: addison70]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
addison70,

I think that part of the reason your son may be acting out and not wanting to deal with all of this is because of the upcoming trial. It sounds like he just wants it all to go away so he doesn't have to deal with it. He may have fears that the trial will put it all front and center, especially with his friends, so that they will hear about what happened to him. And he may fear that the trial will "out" him amongst his friends as to what happened to him. The fear of exposure like this to peers is a real strong motivation for kids to be silent about the abuse in the first place. Have you talked to him about the upcoming trial and how he feels about that?

_________________________
Eddie

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#237607 - 07/11/08 11:29 PM Re: Help for my son [Re: EGL]
Karmel Offline


Registered: 07/11/08
Posts: 1
I am new to this site and the thing that comes to mind with your situation is something that was said to me just today, "Being angry gave me the right to play the victim." I don't know if this relates to your son, but maybe its worth a deeper look. For me, dealing with my trauma was very difficult at 17. I did not know if I was gay or straight. I did not feel like I connected with others my age, I felt soo much older than them.
I was definitely angry with my mother for not protecting me.
One final thing, I have been told that angry is usually secondary to to another feeling , which is typically the feeling of being hurt. I don't know how to fix your problem, but I know that if my mother would have even spoken with me from the heart about it would have meant alot to me. (Even if you don't have the answers say that but try to get him to talk and you talk with him) Good luck and God Bless


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#237676 - 07/12/08 01:35 PM Re: Help for my son [Re: Karmel]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
To add to what Karmel said, research says the best things for a kid is to be believed and supported. Whether the boy is willing to talk about such things with his parent is difficult to say. It is hard to talk about such things and if he comes here and posts something on the teen forum, he can get input from guys his age who have been through it and are further along in their healing.

If he is too shy to post, he could pm Theaterkid, teen coordinator of the teen forum for some personal advice, perhaps.


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#237873 - 07/13/08 02:21 PM Re: Help for my son [Re: addison70]
Aidanchase Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/14/07
Posts: 83
Loc: Vancouver, BC
I really felt moved by this dilemma. First of all I congratulate you for sticking with your kids. One of the most healing things at the end of the day is love unconditional.

I also wanted to agree with what Ken and other survivors have said about the site and how it is used by Teens. I am living proof of how this site can help young people. I am 21 years old now and my story is about childhood abuse from a parent as well. I came to this site when I was 19 years old and I had started healing approx around 18. This site gave me an outlet, it showed me there are other people this has happened to.

I also agree with ken on the 3 appointments thing, I defied soo many councellors after the first appointment. It was lame, and stupid I thought about why I had to go if they all say it wasn't my fault. Perhaps hes having similar thoughts.

Everything is worth trying and if hes willing to give this site a try there is others his age. He can find friends here. It made me feel safe when i started around his age.


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#238081 - 07/14/08 12:22 PM Re: Help for my son [Re: Aidanchase]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Addison regarding the behavioral issues, here are a couple of points:

- DO NOT use authoritarian practices - like being a tyrant or making demands - DO NOT use coercion, power or control - he'll fight back - he sounds like a fighter and that's a normal thing given his history
- DO NOT use permissive parenting - don't lower your standards because he's behaving badly.
- instead try to use authoritative parenting - here is a link - http://parenting.families.com/blog/authoritative-parenting-an-overview

Best, Dawg

_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#238087 - 07/14/08 01:20 PM Re: Help for my son [Re: hogan_dawg]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Addison,
Someday your son will be grateful to you for being there for him now.I wished my parents had been as courageous as you are.
Seek counseling and support for yourself until he is ready.
Your in my prayers.
mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#238711 - 07/17/08 08:57 PM Re: Help for my son [Re: Karmel]
addison70 Offline


Registered: 07/10/08
Posts: 7
Loc: texas
First, I would like to thank each of you for your imput on this. I recently found a blunt that had fell out of his pocket. I ask him about it & he got upset & walked out of the house. Within minutes he came back in crying & talked to me saying he wants help. He would have never done that before. I told him about this site and he seemed exited. He asked if he could talk to people about things and they wont know who he is. I told him yes & he said he would try. I think this will be a step in the right direction for him and help him until he is emotionally strong enough to talk to someone in person about what he has went through. It has been a very long road & I know we still have quite a bit to go. I know that God will give me the stregnth I need to get us through this & someday it will be get better.


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#238758 - 07/18/08 11:00 AM Re: Help for my son [Re: addison70]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
I was doing all of those destructive behaviors when I was 17. See if he will at least try it on here anonymously. There are plenty of people on here who would be willing to talk with him and try to support him.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#238866 - 07/18/08 10:52 PM Re: Help for my son [Re: Trucker51]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Addison,

You're a good Mom. I hope your son does come here. Sometimes just seeing you're not alone means the world. I hope you keep coming here too. The stress you're under has to be unbelievable.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#239359 - 07/21/08 02:43 PM Re: Help for my son [Re: Trish4850]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Dear Addison,
This is probably going to sound really strange, but the way I look at your son's situation is this: He is fighting the battle inside himself, and all these behavior issues are the result. So, if there is any way that you can help him recoginize that his desire to fight for himself is okay/understandable, even if not necessarily good, he might come around to seeing how dangerous it can be. But, the way you are supporting him, letting him know that someone cares for him, is absolutely wonderful.

I'm comparing your son to myself. My parents never knew about my abuse. I was the "perfect child," always keeping all the pain inside me, instead of acting out. Then, 40+ years later, the volcano burst, and now I'm dealing with the worst pain of my life.

So, keep doing what you're doing...showing him that you love him. Just the fact that you both share the knowledge of the abuse has to help.

I applaud your courage. Good luck.

Much love,
Russ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#241993 - 08/02/08 05:35 PM Re: Help for my son [Re: trusty]
A C Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/31/05
Posts: 13
Loc: Missouri
Addison,

My kids were molested by their bio parents. The one thing I learned the hard way was, they can be counsuled to death. May come to the point where he won't listen to anyone at all.

The way I ended up dealing with my next to the oldest was, took him in for tune ups about every six months. In a strange way that worked out with him. The others all but shut down.

Be good to your self. Things aren't going to be just as you wish they were.

Alec

Some one has a motto, "If you fall down ten times, stand up eleven."


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#244246 - 08/13/08 09:18 AM Re: Help for my son [Re: addison70]
lost child Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/13/07
Posts: 8
Loc: in usa
Hi,
I know from my abuse he needs to find a counsler that is a survivor himself. Most others do not know how to turly deal with a child who has been abused. I know that I have had trouble with ones who due not know what is like to be sexual abused. Books do not help them understand how ew who have been abused feel. I pray you can find your son help, I know where he is at. I do not know how many times the ones I saw just did not understand.


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