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#237676 - 07/12/08 01:35 PM Re: Help for my son [Re: Karmel]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
To add to what Karmel said, research says the best things for a kid is to be believed and supported. Whether the boy is willing to talk about such things with his parent is difficult to say. It is hard to talk about such things and if he comes here and posts something on the teen forum, he can get input from guys his age who have been through it and are further along in their healing.

If he is too shy to post, he could pm Theaterkid, teen coordinator of the teen forum for some personal advice, perhaps.


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#237873 - 07/13/08 02:21 PM Re: Help for my son [Re: addison70]
Aidanchase Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/14/07
Posts: 83
Loc: Vancouver, BC
I really felt moved by this dilemma. First of all I congratulate you for sticking with your kids. One of the most healing things at the end of the day is love unconditional.

I also wanted to agree with what Ken and other survivors have said about the site and how it is used by Teens. I am living proof of how this site can help young people. I am 21 years old now and my story is about childhood abuse from a parent as well. I came to this site when I was 19 years old and I had started healing approx around 18. This site gave me an outlet, it showed me there are other people this has happened to.

I also agree with ken on the 3 appointments thing, I defied soo many councellors after the first appointment. It was lame, and stupid I thought about why I had to go if they all say it wasn't my fault. Perhaps hes having similar thoughts.

Everything is worth trying and if hes willing to give this site a try there is others his age. He can find friends here. It made me feel safe when i started around his age.


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#238081 - 07/14/08 12:22 PM Re: Help for my son [Re: Aidanchase]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Addison regarding the behavioral issues, here are a couple of points:

- DO NOT use authoritarian practices - like being a tyrant or making demands - DO NOT use coercion, power or control - he'll fight back - he sounds like a fighter and that's a normal thing given his history
- DO NOT use permissive parenting - don't lower your standards because he's behaving badly.
- instead try to use authoritative parenting - here is a link - http://parenting.families.com/blog/authoritative-parenting-an-overview

Best, Dawg

_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#238087 - 07/14/08 01:20 PM Re: Help for my son [Re: hogan_dawg]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Addison,
Someday your son will be grateful to you for being there for him now.I wished my parents had been as courageous as you are.
Seek counseling and support for yourself until he is ready.
Your in my prayers.
mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#238711 - 07/17/08 08:57 PM Re: Help for my son [Re: Karmel]
addison70 Offline


Registered: 07/10/08
Posts: 7
Loc: texas
First, I would like to thank each of you for your imput on this. I recently found a blunt that had fell out of his pocket. I ask him about it & he got upset & walked out of the house. Within minutes he came back in crying & talked to me saying he wants help. He would have never done that before. I told him about this site and he seemed exited. He asked if he could talk to people about things and they wont know who he is. I told him yes & he said he would try. I think this will be a step in the right direction for him and help him until he is emotionally strong enough to talk to someone in person about what he has went through. It has been a very long road & I know we still have quite a bit to go. I know that God will give me the stregnth I need to get us through this & someday it will be get better.


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#238758 - 07/18/08 11:00 AM Re: Help for my son [Re: addison70]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
I was doing all of those destructive behaviors when I was 17. See if he will at least try it on here anonymously. There are plenty of people on here who would be willing to talk with him and try to support him.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#238866 - 07/18/08 10:52 PM Re: Help for my son [Re: Trucker51]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Addison,

You're a good Mom. I hope your son does come here. Sometimes just seeing you're not alone means the world. I hope you keep coming here too. The stress you're under has to be unbelievable.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#239359 - 07/21/08 02:43 PM Re: Help for my son [Re: Trish4850]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Dear Addison,
This is probably going to sound really strange, but the way I look at your son's situation is this: He is fighting the battle inside himself, and all these behavior issues are the result. So, if there is any way that you can help him recoginize that his desire to fight for himself is okay/understandable, even if not necessarily good, he might come around to seeing how dangerous it can be. But, the way you are supporting him, letting him know that someone cares for him, is absolutely wonderful.

I'm comparing your son to myself. My parents never knew about my abuse. I was the "perfect child," always keeping all the pain inside me, instead of acting out. Then, 40+ years later, the volcano burst, and now I'm dealing with the worst pain of my life.

So, keep doing what you're doing...showing him that you love him. Just the fact that you both share the knowledge of the abuse has to help.

I applaud your courage. Good luck.

Much love,
Russ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#241993 - 08/02/08 05:35 PM Re: Help for my son [Re: trusty]
A C Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/31/05
Posts: 13
Loc: Missouri
Addison,

My kids were molested by their bio parents. The one thing I learned the hard way was, they can be counsuled to death. May come to the point where he won't listen to anyone at all.

The way I ended up dealing with my next to the oldest was, took him in for tune ups about every six months. In a strange way that worked out with him. The others all but shut down.

Be good to your self. Things aren't going to be just as you wish they were.

Alec

Some one has a motto, "If you fall down ten times, stand up eleven."


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#244246 - 08/13/08 09:18 AM Re: Help for my son [Re: addison70]
lost child Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/13/07
Posts: 8
Loc: in usa
Hi,
I know from my abuse he needs to find a counsler that is a survivor himself. Most others do not know how to turly deal with a child who has been abused. I know that I have had trouble with ones who due not know what is like to be sexual abused. Books do not help them understand how ew who have been abused feel. I pray you can find your son help, I know where he is at. I do not know how many times the ones I saw just did not understand.


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