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#2366 - 08/02/03 02:26 PM struggling
arghilles Offline
Member

Registered: 07/26/02
Posts: 45
Loc: Stockholm, Sweden
Yesterday was a pretty good day. I began once again to take control over my life, that is my thoughts and feelings. I have done this many times before.
I didn't feel much shame at all, quite amazing for me. We went swimming, me and my little family. I felt happy that I just ran into the water and swam, instead of walking slowly into the deep and then eventually swim. I felt good about changing in public, I didn't care much if anyone happened to glimpse a tiny part of my butt. I even went for a pee in the nearby woodglen, not too far from the path. I wasn't embarrased when I spoke on the underground to my family.
Today I have kept on working but now things are getting harder. The urge to go back to old patterns is so strong. I know from experience the harder I resist the harder it gets. I think what I have always done wrong up to now is that I haven't dared to relax a bit while working. Why? My only reasonable answer is: I would see it all, too overwhelming.
I actually did this once, let go and at the same time kept myself safe and yes I saw it and
I remember telling to myself: No, no Eric you won't make it, it is way too much.

Like many others have written here I have now come to the belief that I will never get rid of my problems. What has happened is my past. I can't erase it. However I hope that I will learn to live a good life despite of my past provided that I keep it under control. I have failed so many times. I am still so scared, especially scared of sex and when i think about being with another man my head starts to swirl and i instantly feel bad. I know it has all to do with the abuse and the person I had to become to survive and keep the little child, the true me unhurt. Cause I do believe that there is such a part of me who is intact.

Thank you,

Eric

_________________________
Erik

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#2367 - 08/02/03 06:18 PM Re: struggling
martin Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/08/03
Posts: 229
Loc: The Good Earth
Eric,

I'm glad that you had such a good and easy time with your family. I'm sorry things aren't so well today.

Its the way things go. One day is good the next is crap. Little solace I know.

I will also say that you probably not ever be rid of the past and the injustices your young self suffered. There may always be pangs of anxiety and fear.

Having said that I do beleive we can come to grips with the past, understand its effects, grieve for our loss, and accept ourselves for who we are today. We have much to give and great potential to give it. Your joy and ease with your family is testament to that. I'm sure your ease that day put them more at ease thereby giving them a little more joy.

Keep those days close to your being. Let them become a source of strength and hope. There will be more.

One way to look at fears is that they are a way to keep us safe. We developed these fears through hard experience that others would harm and use us. Even those closest to us. The fears kept us motivated to stay out of harms way and their is no telling what more awful harm would have befell us if they weren't so present.

The trouble is they are hard to turn off and may become irrationale. It takes much work and time to sort them through as well as a safe place to do so.

You have found one of those safe places here @ MS.org. You may need others like a therapist or group setting. Your family can be that as well.

Please keep coming and we'll all put the fears where they belong.

Aaron

_________________________
Its times like these we learn to live again,
Its times like these we give & give again,
Its times like these we learn to love again,
Its times like these time & time again.
-The Foo Fighters

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#2368 - 08/03/03 06:32 AM Re: struggling
ernie Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/26/02
Posts: 121
Loc: Portland, Maine
Eric,
Glad that you had a good day. They do get better, they can get better if you let them. If you get to the point that this damned SA is not going to control another minute of your life, you can get better. The good time can outnumber the bad. Hard as it may seem, easy as it is to say, it can be done. It does not however, come overnight, it takes work daily, it takes positive activities, it takes positive thoughts about you. You, the little you that was robbed, the you that has been hiding in there for so long.
You can find that you again, just takes a hecl of alot of work and support.
Alot of baby steps, sometimes they are backwards, but, keep trying, keep talking, keep writing, keep coming here, these brave men are an incredible source of support.
Bob

_________________________
The roads of life are full of stones but, they can be moved take my hand we will help each other.

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#2369 - 08/03/03 10:06 AM Re: struggling
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Quote:
I haven't dared to relax a bit while working. Why? My only reasonable answer is: I would see it all, too overwhelming.
I actually did this once, let go and at the same time kept myself safe and yes I saw it and
I remember telling to myself: No, no Eric you won't make it, it is way too much.
Eric,

Sometimes I feel that way, too. But I don't have to do it all at once. Sometimes I get through just a minute at a time. But I do get through, and so can you.

Quote:
Like many others have written here I have now come to the belief that I will never get rid of my problems.
I always seem to come here and write about my problems. But I do believe I will get rid of them. I will never get rid of the memories, but I will learn to break their power over me.

Quote:
I do believe that there is such a part of me who is intact.
I believe that, too, and I'm glad he brought you here.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#2370 - 08/03/03 06:52 PM Re: struggling
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Eric
I had a shitty day on Thursday, but the weekend has been good.

And I get more good than bad now, which is a bonus.

Dave \:D

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#2371 - 08/03/03 07:30 PM Re: struggling
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Eric,

Thursday was a shitty day, Friday turned out to be a little worse. They were not any fun living through, but at least two good things will come from them.

I ended up doing some acting out Friday as a result of my shitty days. I came to the realizations of when and why these actions take place. Now a big step closer to stopping it.

The actions that caused my shitty days on Thursday and Friday will help me in the long run and help provide more good days. I just need to ride the waves, keeping my eyes on the goal, and I WILL make it to the promised land.

Heck, if it weren't for some shitty days, we'd never truely appreciate the good ones.

Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#2372 - 08/08/03 08:25 PM Re: struggling
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I do not know that what I say makes sense at anyone. But, it seems that 'good days' can maybe trigger guilt feelings? I have only two or three real good days in past few months since this comes up at me, and day after, I seem to feel worse of ever. And maybe it is to not feel deserving of good days, so we go worse at ourselves the following day? I know of what I'm trying to say, but do not think I make sense!

Maybe, it is good to journal, just something small, to keep track of days, as good or bad or medium. And see if there is pattern, of when your emotions go higher or lower? Is just a thought. I hope that soon your good days outnumber the bad.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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