I am new here. I have felt the need to tell my story for years, but found it difficult to find anyone to tell it to. I have told a few individuals, only to be taken advantage of afterwards. I have struggled with my abuse for years, and still do struggle with the after affects of it all.
I was sexually abused by an Aunt first, followed shortly after by my mother. They grew up with an alcoholic father who I am guessing sexually abused them also. I say guessing because I have over heard whisperd conversations between my mother and her female siblings about sexual abuse by their father. I would only catch bits and pieces of their conversations which would stop abruptly if they noticed I was listening.
My abuse began when I was around the age of 4 or 5 or so. At least this is where I remember things as starting. I know I was not yet in school, as my Aunt would babysit me while my mom went to work at my grandparents store and at that time we lived in a small house trailer on my grandparents property and I was not in school until we moved to a house next door to my grandparents.
For years I blamed myself for what my Aunt did. Had she not noticed my erection things would not have gone where they did. But I realize now that my Aunt should not have abused that situation as it is normal for young males to, well you know, but not normal for an adult to want to touch and fondle a child. You see, my Aunt and I were swimming in the pond my grandparents had next to our trailer. In those days, my parents were struggling financially, so I really had no swim trunks but would swim in my underpants, which at that age didn't bother me. My Aunt had a one piece swim suit. This was the early sixties and was pretty much the style at that time. Anyway, my Aunt was laying ontop an air mattress on the water and I was ontop of her. We floated out onto the water. My body reacted to this situation and my Aunt felt it pressing against her. Thus began the abuse.
This is why I had always blamed myself. Had my body not done what it had, my Aunt would never had wanted to touch me there. But that is not the normal thing to have done.
Things progressed past touching over the next year or two. Eventually I heard my Aunt telling my mom what had happened and they argued. But their arguing didn't seem to last long. Soon my Aunt and mother together and seperately were sexually abusing me.
The abuse lasted for years off and on till I was around the age of puberty really. Then I was really messed up. My body was changing and I was having all these sexual urges and I began to masturbate constantly. By this time, my Aunt had married and moved away, but I was still around my mother. My father was a truck driver and gone for most of the week. I was an only child. Well I AM an only child.
Occassionally a cousin would spend the weekend with me, and I began to fondle them when we went to bed at night. None of them ever protested. Male and female cousins. It was during this time that I made friends with an older male neighbor. He was a year older then me. We began to experiment sexually together. We did everything two guys can do sexually. I never thought about it being gay or whatever. Only thought about it feeling good.
It was this friend that I first confided in about my Aunt and mother. And it was this friend who convinced me that if my mom did those things to me when I was young, she wouldn't mind if we did things now.
But even though my mother abused me sexually when I was a young boy, I was scared and embarrassed about trying anything now at the age of 10 or 11 os so. Eventually I began to sneak into my mothers bed at night while my father was away and lay next to her and masturbate. As time went by, I became braver and began to fondle her while she slept. I realize now that she eventually did know what I was doing as there is no way things could have went as they did had she truly been asleep.
This went on for an entire summer, until my father came home early once and found my mother and I laying asleep in their bed in the middle of the afternoon. My mother and father argued terribly about this. My father saying I was too old to be sleeping with my mom. He had no idea that we had done more then sleep together, and did not want things to progress past sleeping together I am sure.
It all stopped then. My relationship with my father changed drasticlly too. He became very distant from me, right up to his death in 1998.
My mother passed away in 2005 from lung cancer. She had moved in with me the last year of her life. I was divorced for the second time then, and still single today. During her year stay with me, the cancer spread to her brain, and she began to act very strangely. I suppose due to the cancer in her brain and the fear of dying from the cancer. Things began to repeat itself, and soon the sexual abuse began again. But this time only a few times as I tried to control myself as I knew this was terrribly wrong. Then my mother became too sick to stay with me and she died shortly after.
I am so ashamed of my life and the things that have happened. Why can I not control these thoughts better then I do? I do not and have never done anything sexually to a child myself. I do not have any desire to do such a thing. My desire is for reliving my past with my Aunt and or mother. I still masturbate daily and my thoughts are always about my mom or aunt. I even found an older lady who was willing to play the part of my mother for me. She was a little older then my mother, but she went along with what I asked of her. This has stopped now. Been several years ago actually. I have wanted to contact her again, but know that this is not healthy. I have been able to control that better these days.
Nothing I had done was ever legally wrong. I have better control of myself then that. I cannot do that to someone that has been done to me. But the thoughts of what had happened with my aunt and mother, and the thoughts I still have today of wanting to relive that is what bothers me. I beleive that I am finally coming to terms with my past, but still have triggers. Suppose I always will.