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#236429 - 07/06/08 08:38 PM Why we come here...
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
Can all partners and wifes, significant others, please speak up?
Would we be here, if the men we loved could say what they needed to say?
I don't come here to offend anyone, I thank God for this site everyday, but wish I never had to use it. I'm looking for answers, I'm looking for guidance, I'm looking for something, to back up the hope I have, that this will work out.
There is no right or wrong here, and survivors, please contribute.
Liv



Edited by Liv2124 (07/06/08 08:45 PM)

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#236435 - 07/06/08 09:02 PM Re: Why we come here... [Re: Liv2124]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
We come for something that is unconditional, lots of different understanding, but it's all unconditional. I think that most of us are afraid that when we do talk to people in our lives that can't relate, it's a great fear that what we seek will bring conditions with it.

Real or imagined, the fear is still there.

Conditions are something we know all too well.

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#236436 - 07/06/08 09:12 PM Re: Why we come here... [Re: mogigo]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
Thanks Mike,
And this is unconditional. Your right, this is unconditional.
The reason, as partners, we come here, is to get the perspective of survivors, because the men we love, can't communicate. Not that it will be "on the money" but it may come close...
Liv


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#236441 - 07/06/08 09:59 PM Re: Why we come here... [Re: Liv2124]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
Liv,

I started therapy seventeen years ago, and, still, in my heart, I belive that everything comes with a price attached. As hard as I try I can not shake that perception. And, often times, the price is too high. I walk away, physically or emotionally, disconnect with practiced perfection.

Inhibition as a defense, omnipotence as a shelter because the people that were supposed to love and protect me, also perverted the love I had to offer.

Ten years ago, I wrote that hope and dreams were the prayers that I whispered in the dark as a little boy. Recovery rarely moves in a straight line, more often than not it spirals around and around as I try to incorporate the completely foriegn notion that I could lay next to someone and feel completely safe.

I try to imagine what that must feel like...as the media attacks male survivors, suggesting that they are full of rage and at risk to offend. As they write their screen plays and use it as a defense to commit the most horrendous crimes.

My first therapist said, "Are you sure you want me to put down incest survivor? It will follow you wherever you go from this day forward."

I am a husband, a father, a grandfather. I am a friend, have been a co-worker...and, yea, I am an incest survivor, too.

I come here because I am normal here.


CD


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#236454 - 07/06/08 11:08 PM Re: Why we come here... [Re: CDavid]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
CD,
Everything worthwhile in life, has a price attached.
One belief I adhere to in my everyday life, is that nothing is EVER what it appears to be, first glance.
I don't, nor have I ever believed, that male survivors are a great risk to offend. I don't think there is widespread understanding, although I can't say I've ever tested this out, because even to my closest friends, I've never been at liberty to discuss my SO's abuse, or how it's affected my life. Being together for so long, our friends were mutual. There was no outlet, aside from this site.
My 3 children, had their "purple circle" drilled into them. I never let them use a public bathroom alone, never let them out of my sight. My SO was always as concerned about what might happen to my kids as I was. He worried about them, because of what happened to him.
I may be ridiculous, but I still believe that my SO will rise above this, that things will work out. That someone, or something, will someday, convince him that this was NOT his fault.
There is NO shame in being an incest survivor, because it has nothing to do with who you are, as a person.
I wish, I felt "normal" somewhere...
Liv


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#236463 - 07/07/08 12:04 AM Re: Why we come here... [Re: Liv2124]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Liv, you ask the question of feeling normal and this is something I've had some success with. I say "that if the most normal person you meet on the street, or at work, or in a bar had gone through what you're SO had gone through then he would also feel the same way you're SO does". It's the same for F&F, if that person you see had an SO that went through what your SO went through then they also would feel the way you do.

You are normal Liv, you have the exact same issues that any human being would have if they were trying to deal with what you are. No human being on this planet would have an easier time with it. You are reacting as a normal human being to what you are facing. They just don't have to face it, that's why they look normal.

If a person was burned by fire they would look abnormal around fire, only because you haven't been burned by fire. If you had been, you would understand them completely

You're as NORMAL as it gets Liv.

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#236477 - 07/07/08 02:30 AM Re: Why we come here... [Re: mogigo]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 862
Loc: washington
Why we come here,

For me, this is a simple question.Doctors had a hard time treating alcoholics like myself...destined for jails, institutes, or death. Yet, in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, It works,I'm living proof,,,!!! Why?, Because, we can relate on a level,where most "normies" would be baffled.

This concept works just as well for survivors. And yes! The price is high,but there are a FEW gifts,Few people can tap into empathy like we do. There are other gifts too,but I can't recall. I have drain bammage.

Nermal is near normal,That' my goal.

1islandboy

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#236478 - 07/07/08 02:47 AM Re: Why we come here... [Re: 1islandboy]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
I come here because after 13years of dealing with this by myself, I have finally found a place where I am not alone. There is strength in numbers,and someone finally understands,and gets it. I just wish my H would open himself up, and come here himself.
Thank you all, NYDAISY


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#236487 - 07/07/08 06:12 AM Re: Why we come here... [Re: NY Daisy]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Liv, I'm reminded of something my mum once said. when asked how she was she said "I'm a mirror for my children, if their okay, I'm okay" this is precisely why I've never told my parents more about my abuse than they already guessed, and why I use this site as an outlet for my feelings on those bad days.

Being so close to someone who is in the sort of state I imagine your So, ---- and all the So's of people here are in, I can certainly understand why you'd need this site just as much as anyone who's actually been through the abuse themselves.

Personally, I hate the thought of harming others with my feelings or reactions. On the occasions when I've got into a state with my friends, I've always felt incredibly, unbelieveabley guilty, and spent even more time appologising to them.

One thing I love about this site is that it's a safe place for me to be upset in.

then of course, there's the other important thing, ----- advice! Recovery for me is a job. i saw that there was something needing doing, so i've decided to do it. I keep trying various methods from Therapy to medication to understanding, and like anything else it really helps to get the opinion of people who are engaged on the same job.


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#236489 - 07/07/08 06:57 AM Re: Why we come here... [Re: dark empathy]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Why we come here...for me it is a place where I can address what I am feeling about and how I am reacting toward my H's CSA. I can't talk to him because he is in denial. I can't talk to my friends and family without sharing a secret that isn't mine to tell and without them telling me that they are fearful for me and that I should leave.

This is a place where I can react honestly without being judged, where I can vent without getting unsolicited advice and where people understand what my H and I are going through first hand.

A smart person when encountering people along the same path asks how THEIR journey has been; it sheds light on what lies ahead, it allows for warnings where prudent, it leaves you informed regarding decisions yet to be made and it provides comfort that you are not alone especially when the path is very lonely.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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