Hey everyone,

It's been awhile since my last post. It seems as this recovery presses on so much more is uncovered. I am becoming more and more aware of the effects of the abuse and how it impacts every aspect of my life.

I always assumed I was a feeling person but man was I wrong. I can feel anger and sadness but the rest forget it. I intellectualize feelings to keep them at a safe distance. They can't be trusted, acting on emotions leads to pain and fear.

I have become good at negating any feelings wether it be sexual, happiness, stress..... I am separated inside, one side there are thoughts and feelings on the other side. Split a long time ago I want to mend the division.

I fear anything sexual, I refuse to allow myself to feel any sexual thought or feeling because hell I don't know which is which. When I feel or think sexuality I feel flawed and broken because I can't escape the thought that everything relates to sexuality in the end.

Is there such a thing as a healthy non sexual relationship? I try to find something sexual in everyone, does that ever end?
I want to be able to feel the joys and passions of life, I am sick of logical and reason. There needs to be more than that and I want to feel it.

I don't know what it is but there is something missing and that part of me is chronicing. Call it loneliness or whatever but I want to be validated, a human being, a man who can feel the full range of emotions.

I want to bond with the courageous men here, I have been a member for nearly half a year now and I have safeguarded myself from everyone here for whatever reason. I want to share experiences and succeed with everyone.

Where did my feelings go?

I have very similar feelings about bonding with most of the men here on MS. I have been a member since last Oct/07. Seems I see so many courageous men here doing so well in their recovery. They know how to express themselves and I can feel and enjoy in their progess.

I look at myself and my recovery, and my feelings are that I am not even close to seeing the "light at the end of the tunnel"
Seems the one step forward and 2 steps back is how I feel most of the time.

I can so relate to your post here.

Ken

Yeah when I read your post I thought "Hmm me too" so I needed to start with a vocabulary of feeling terms - I'll try using them at funny times, to make my wife laugh, trying to pinpoint my feeling to the word, and generally having fun learning them. I think once I can identify them I can know when feel them. The basic ones are easy, happy, sad, surprised, scared,...and some you seldom use, but here's some others:

affectionate
afraid
agitated
amazed
amused
angry
anguished
annoyed
anxious
apathetic
ashamed
astonished
bored
calm
carefree
cheerful
compassionate
confident
confused
contented
courageous
cowardly
curious
dejected
delighted
depressed
desirous
desperate
despondent
disappointed
discontented
discouraged
disdainful
disgruntled
disgusted
dismayed
distressed
distrustful
doubtful
drowsy
dumbfounded
earnest
elated
enthusiastic
embarrassed
embittered
envious
exasperated
excited
ecstatic
exuberant
fascinated
fed
forlorn
frightened
frolicsome
furious
gloomy
grateful
grief-stricken
guilty
happy
helpless
hesitant
homesick
hopeful
hopeless
horrified
hostile
humble
ill
impatient
impressed
indecisive
indifferent
indignant
inspired
interested
intimidated
jealous
joyful
jubilant
listless
lively
lonely
melancholic
nervous
nostalgic
offended
outraged
overexcited
passionate
peevish
proud
puzzled
relaxed
relieved
repelled
resigned
respectful
sad
satisfied
scared
sensual
serene
shy
sorry
stimulated
stubborn
surprised
tender
tense
tired
touched
triumphant
undecided
uneasy
unhappy
vengeful
warmhearted
weak
worried


How's this "I'm peevish she kicked my nuts" hmm, that might not fit quite right - doesn't 'quite' match the intensity thing - just a variant on anger. I'll work on it. "I'm puzzled she kicked my nuts" would work sometimes...:)