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#236257 - 07/06/08 02:44 AM Just so alone
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
Always in pain, always tortured, always hiding, always scared. I don't relate, I don't get better, my closest relationships abandoned me. Disabled, no hope in site to be like I was before. No, I wasn't always screwed up. I have no life, I have no death, I have no family. I don't function but for short periods of time. Any kind of relief is rare. There's guys I probably can trust but I'm afraid to let them in because of how it hurts when they'll get to the point where they relize they can't fix me, it always happens nomatter how much I've tried to tell em before. Nobody understands.... the same thing happens here but I have no where else to go.... I'm "negative" when I'm honest, it don't seem like many like me to be honest, some don't even like me to say anything. I didn't sign up to have my life like this and I wish folks would get off their beliefs of what works for them works for everyone. I don't need suggestions or advice, why can't anybody just listen.


_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

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#236258 - 07/06/08 04:45 AM Re: Just so alone [Re: usmc97]
testingWaters Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/06
Posts: 508
usmc97, you're really so much less alone than you think. i've felt the same way many times. hang in. tw


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#236264 - 07/06/08 06:27 AM Re: Just so alone [Re: usmc97]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
usmc, i have always felt that one of the big negatives about being abused is that it makes me heavy company for people. i shared a meal with my daughter and her girlfriend visiting from baltimore last evening, and of course the topic of sexual abuse invariably arises, and it just seems to 'taint' every discussion. i am sorry you feel so alone; i wish i could give you some reassurance except to say we are here to catch your words as you need to speak them out. i hope you can see your current state as being transitory and know that 'this too shall pass'. if you believe that your being negative is a problem, then maybe you could talk about that in a thread. i would be willing to meet you in chat if you see me on line pm me, and i will keep my eye peeled for you as well. also, please consider joining one of the healing circles, because they do a lot to help people who are suffering from the blue funk.

your brother in recovery,
ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#236274 - 07/06/08 08:56 AM Re: Just so alone [Re: Sans Logos]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Kevin,
I am here to listen to you anytime you want to talk,vent/scream/hollor or just whatever. I know so well there are many times when I feel so lonely, so in despair, there is no one for me. No one seems to care. But then I see my survivor friends and my therapist and my closeness to my God that pulls me through another day.

Feel free to PM me. If you want sometime you are welcome to spend a day or two at my place. We can hang out and talk. Or I can meet you in the Springs and we can talk over coffee.

I consider you a friend even though we only spent a few days together.

Hang in brother

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#236275 - 07/06/08 09:14 AM Re: Just so alone [Re: usmc97]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: usmc97
There's guys I probably can trust but I'm afraid to let them in because of how it hurts when they'll get to the point where they relize they can't fix me ...

Always ready to listen, my friend. I got to see you honest and open at the O.B. weekend, and have considered myself lucky to be numbered with the few who have seen even glimpses of the real you.

I'm always here.

M&m

PS - I promise never to try to "fix" you. Alone, frightened, - I can understand those things - and I got good ears, I listen well.


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#236330 - 07/06/08 02:41 PM Re: Just so alone [Re: MarkK]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11027
Loc: Denver, CO
usmc,

We've talked, and we can always talk more. PM me if you like, neighbor.

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#236344 - 07/06/08 03:36 PM Re: Just so alone [Re: FormerTexan]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
usmc,
I have learned that I am not alone unless I choose to be.
keep coming back and sharing how you are feeling. the path to recovery is different for each one of us. when people share their path take and use what is helpful and discard the rest.
once a marine always a marine! 79-83
mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#236444 - 07/06/08 10:20 PM Re: Just so alone [Re: michael banks]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
Things always come off like I'm negative, it's just how things are in my life. It's not a perspective thing, there just isn't anything positive I can say about stuff concerning all I'm left to handle. When there is something good I say so but the other stuff... It's constant, i'm not just young, i'm not stupid, it's not that I don't take to trying every healthy thing that's available. It's not my fault nobody knows how to deal with me, it's not my fault I don't know how either.

I only seem to blame others when their expectations of me hit the unrealistic mark. I don't get peace by trying to put on a fake smile for anyone and it takes to much energy to even attempt so it's not worth it for me. My smiles don't last, my pains don't go away, my body don't rest. None of the things with me pass.... they just get added upon.

You guys in Denver make me wish I was up there but even then it would probably get to being the same as things are here. Thanks for your thoughts.... I DO APRECIATE YOU GUYS. I don't get along in the group I try to go to here, I'm always the outsider.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

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#236561 - 07/07/08 04:09 PM Re: Just so alone [Re: usmc97]
jcf1957 Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/11/07
Posts: 192
Loc: North Of The 49th Parallel
Hi Sem;

There are more guys here at M.S. that feel like outsiders than your probably aware of. Not trying to sound cynically negative but I often feel as though I ("Exist") in No-Mans land.
Maybe it's my safety zone being alone in the neither world taking a break from pain that cannot be articulated in any human fashion. I don't know. Maybe this is my only way of coping without calling it quits. I may fool myself into thinking that I'm running away from my past, but; in reality it's always there haunting me. Reality always has a way of smacking you right in the face. I wish there was another world similar to the movie Matrix. I'd surely want to hide deep inside it.
But; then again that's not reality is it ?
I do not live life. I exist in it one day at a time.
Your amongst people here Sem who understand what your going through even if you don't find all the answers your looking for.
Never mind about tomorrow. That is one of hamanities and one of my greatest faults. Always worrying about the future. It doesn't exist yet. Tomorrow has it's own set of problems. Live today as if were your last. I don't have the best brains to give you all the favorable answers. But at least I'll will go out of my way to listen. Your not alone friend.
Take Care Chris.




Edited by jcf1957 (07/07/08 04:11 PM)
_________________________
No affliction nor temptation, no guilt nor power of sin, no wounded spirit nor terrified conscious should induce us to despair comfort from God.

Today well lived...makes every tomorrow a vision of Hope.
Anonymous

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#236774 - 07/08/08 12:26 PM Re: Just so alone [Re: jcf1957]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
I don't have anyway to run from things or get destracted, I get hurt by "them" constantly. I'm always just left for "them" to do whatever "they" want. I don't get more than a couple of days to even try and heal from it and in the mean time having other attacks. I don't rest, I'm always scared, always in pain, physical pain from all that is done to me. It's not the past for me, it's right now, I don't want a tomorrow because tomorrow "they" will come too. Me being hurt now is what casts me out.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

Top
#236785 - 07/08/08 12:49 PM Re: Just so alone [Re: usmc97]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
usmc97,

Just a note to let you know that you are heard. I'm sorry things continue to be so rough for you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#236854 - 07/08/08 09:00 PM Re: Just so alone [Re: roadrunner]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
usmc97 - I hope things are getting better for you. I can see the pain in your post and know it must hurt. Talk some more about it when you can, I think it helps.

_________________________
Eddie

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#237682 - 07/12/08 02:17 PM Re: Just so alone [Re: EGL]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
Things have never gotten better for me, the things that help even carry me through what I have to go through are rarely available. Therapy and meds haven't changed one thing about it in all the years that I've been like this. The only thing I got is a lot of knowledge about things that help other people. Not relating on here or anywhere else re-inforces a lot of bad things but somehow I'm supposed to overlook that too. Either I don't exist or I'm imaginary because I don't fit in anywhere, anything I try to explain is manipulated to be something else. I don't have the privilage to have many choices in life but the majority says that's impossible, that what I have to go through is impossible. I don't have the options to think happy thoughts or get passed things. It's here, now, this moment, literal. How do you deal with that?

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

Top
#237885 - 07/13/08 02:57 PM Re: Just so alone [Re: usmc97]
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
How do you deal with that? Time will tell. Probably not the answer you're looking for but internal healing is a learning experience. You'll reach conclusions and truths that will set you free as time goes on. I wish we had a map for this but we don't. Life will throw things our way and we have to live through them the best we can. As we go, we learn a few tricks though. We become stronger, smarter, and more experienced in our lives (being CSA survivors). You're on the right path. Things will get better in time.

Jason

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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#237893 - 07/13/08 03:17 PM Re: Just so alone [Re: endlessjourney]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Kevin,
I hear you and I do understand when you say you feel imaginary because you don't fit in anywhere. I am confused though when you say you don't have the options to think happy thoughts.

I know in my feeble mind I have the ability to chose right from wrong, good from bad, happy thoughts from sad thoughts. My concentration though is sometimes only for a moment or two. Seems sometimes when I read other posts I can pick up a few words or phrases that make sense to me, that are helpful to me.

All I can say is that time does heal wounds and scars. And we all seem to have an abundance of time.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

Top
#238025 - 07/14/08 12:57 AM Re: Just so alone [Re: KENKEN]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
I don't rate internal healing, my external don't heal either. I'm getting "hurt" right now and feel like hardly anybody hears what I'm saying. I'm not dealing with the past as much as I'm getting harmed by the present torture. It's worse than what happened in the past. It happens more often. I'm seen just as a guy with some "issues from the past"... NO, it's right now. It's not normal stuff.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

Top
#238096 - 07/14/08 01:53 PM Re: Just so alone [Re: usmc97]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
I came here in May. I quit twice. When I came back, everything was different. I was ready for tough reality. I don't think there's anyone here that can claim to "fix" you. That's not our job. We are here for each other, brothers in this horrible journey that we all take together. You are not alone, even if you feel you are. Please risk and believe it. If I can believe it, you can too.


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#238106 - 07/14/08 02:26 PM Re: Just so alone [Re: LW1527]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
I post when I get frustrated, everybody on the site is on a path to healing and it's like I only get to see everybody pass me by as I watch them heal. I don't expect anyone to know how to "fix" me, some think they can and get offended when I've already exhausted their ideas or that it does nothing. I don't hardly relate when it comes down to what I have to go through. I've been on this site since '01 or '02, it's hard to get left behind. There is nothing that I have not done in order to be okay again. I just don't ever get better and nothing explains the ways that I'm hurt.


_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

Top
#238125 - 07/14/08 04:39 PM Re: Just so alone [Re: usmc97]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
I had a lot of body memory resulting in physical pain from beating to touching to penetrating. This is normal. It sure sounds like you have a severe case of PTSD and should get some professional help fast. When I went to the trauma clinic a year ago and took their PTSD and whatever tests, they couldn't believe I was functioning because the score was so high. This is something you cannot do on your own. There's good help out there. There is a good life out there too, but you're going to have to go through the crap to get to it. Really, you're not alone.


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#238127 - 07/14/08 04:44 PM Re: Just so alone [Re: LW1527]
testingWaters Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/06
Posts: 508
I feel the same very often USMC97. About watching others pass through. But we each have our own bag. And for some of us it will take longer. And that's alright. I'm here and I am reading your posts and glad you are with me. Best, TW


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#238138 - 07/14/08 05:24 PM Re: Just so alone [Re: testingWaters]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
Yeah, we're reading you and listening and caring!


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#238139 - 07/14/08 05:54 PM Re: Just so alone [Re: testingWaters]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
It's more than "body memories", I know what those are.... the things with me are not normal anywhere. I do have and have had plenty of professional help, I've been back and forth to all the "experts". I end up on my own because nobody knows what to do. I go through the crap constantly, I do not have breaks, I work very hard in therapy, nothing changes what I have to go through. It's comments like that that say "it's your fault, you're not doing enough", I have done and still do EVERYTHING possible. It's not my "bag" either, THEY DID THIS TO ME. I know there was probably no bad intention with what you or most anyone says, it just reinforces that I'm not understood. I try to word things right but it never gets through

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

Top
#238143 - 07/14/08 06:50 PM Re: Just so alone [Re: usmc97]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
One thing you can be certain of, my friend - I want to understand you - to be able to hear your meaning, your heart, behind your words.

I, too, have been going through a spell of "no breaks" - and it seems to be increasing, not decreasing. The more work I do on my recovery, the heavier everything seems to weigh down on me.

I believe the man I met at the Outward Bound is more than capable of being understood. It may take a while - but you are worth every second.

I also understand "alone". Even in the midst of a family - of a recovery group - even at work.

The heart cries out. I hope you can hear us calling back in response.

M


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#238268 - 07/15/08 07:49 AM Re: Just so alone [Re: MarkK]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
If nothing more, we care.


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