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#236257 - 07/06/08 02:44 AM Just so alone
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
Always in pain, always tortured, always hiding, always scared. I don't relate, I don't get better, my closest relationships abandoned me. Disabled, no hope in site to be like I was before. No, I wasn't always screwed up. I have no life, I have no death, I have no family. I don't function but for short periods of time. Any kind of relief is rare. There's guys I probably can trust but I'm afraid to let them in because of how it hurts when they'll get to the point where they relize they can't fix me, it always happens nomatter how much I've tried to tell em before. Nobody understands.... the same thing happens here but I have no where else to go.... I'm "negative" when I'm honest, it don't seem like many like me to be honest, some don't even like me to say anything. I didn't sign up to have my life like this and I wish folks would get off their beliefs of what works for them works for everyone. I don't need suggestions or advice, why can't anybody just listen.


_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

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#236258 - 07/06/08 04:45 AM Re: Just so alone [Re: usmc97]
testingWaters Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/06
Posts: 508
usmc97, you're really so much less alone than you think. i've felt the same way many times. hang in. tw


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#236264 - 07/06/08 06:27 AM Re: Just so alone [Re: usmc97]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
usmc, i have always felt that one of the big negatives about being abused is that it makes me heavy company for people. i shared a meal with my daughter and her girlfriend visiting from baltimore last evening, and of course the topic of sexual abuse invariably arises, and it just seems to 'taint' every discussion. i am sorry you feel so alone; i wish i could give you some reassurance except to say we are here to catch your words as you need to speak them out. i hope you can see your current state as being transitory and know that 'this too shall pass'. if you believe that your being negative is a problem, then maybe you could talk about that in a thread. i would be willing to meet you in chat if you see me on line pm me, and i will keep my eye peeled for you as well. also, please consider joining one of the healing circles, because they do a lot to help people who are suffering from the blue funk.

your brother in recovery,
ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#236274 - 07/06/08 08:56 AM Re: Just so alone [Re: Sans Logos]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Kevin,
I am here to listen to you anytime you want to talk,vent/scream/hollor or just whatever. I know so well there are many times when I feel so lonely, so in despair, there is no one for me. No one seems to care. But then I see my survivor friends and my therapist and my closeness to my God that pulls me through another day.

Feel free to PM me. If you want sometime you are welcome to spend a day or two at my place. We can hang out and talk. Or I can meet you in the Springs and we can talk over coffee.

I consider you a friend even though we only spent a few days together.

Hang in brother

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#236275 - 07/06/08 09:14 AM Re: Just so alone [Re: usmc97]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: usmc97
There's guys I probably can trust but I'm afraid to let them in because of how it hurts when they'll get to the point where they relize they can't fix me ...

Always ready to listen, my friend. I got to see you honest and open at the O.B. weekend, and have considered myself lucky to be numbered with the few who have seen even glimpses of the real you.

I'm always here.

M&m

PS - I promise never to try to "fix" you. Alone, frightened, - I can understand those things - and I got good ears, I listen well.


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#236330 - 07/06/08 02:41 PM Re: Just so alone [Re: MarkK]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11055
Loc: Denver, CO
usmc,

We've talked, and we can always talk more. PM me if you like, neighbor.

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#236344 - 07/06/08 03:36 PM Re: Just so alone [Re: FormerTexan]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
usmc,
I have learned that I am not alone unless I choose to be.
keep coming back and sharing how you are feeling. the path to recovery is different for each one of us. when people share their path take and use what is helpful and discard the rest.
once a marine always a marine! 79-83
mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#236444 - 07/06/08 10:20 PM Re: Just so alone [Re: michael banks]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
Things always come off like I'm negative, it's just how things are in my life. It's not a perspective thing, there just isn't anything positive I can say about stuff concerning all I'm left to handle. When there is something good I say so but the other stuff... It's constant, i'm not just young, i'm not stupid, it's not that I don't take to trying every healthy thing that's available. It's not my fault nobody knows how to deal with me, it's not my fault I don't know how either.

I only seem to blame others when their expectations of me hit the unrealistic mark. I don't get peace by trying to put on a fake smile for anyone and it takes to much energy to even attempt so it's not worth it for me. My smiles don't last, my pains don't go away, my body don't rest. None of the things with me pass.... they just get added upon.

You guys in Denver make me wish I was up there but even then it would probably get to being the same as things are here. Thanks for your thoughts.... I DO APRECIATE YOU GUYS. I don't get along in the group I try to go to here, I'm always the outsider.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

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#236561 - 07/07/08 04:09 PM Re: Just so alone [Re: usmc97]
jcf1957 Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/11/07
Posts: 192
Loc: North Of The 49th Parallel
Hi Sem;

There are more guys here at M.S. that feel like outsiders than your probably aware of. Not trying to sound cynically negative but I often feel as though I ("Exist") in No-Mans land.
Maybe it's my safety zone being alone in the neither world taking a break from pain that cannot be articulated in any human fashion. I don't know. Maybe this is my only way of coping without calling it quits. I may fool myself into thinking that I'm running away from my past, but; in reality it's always there haunting me. Reality always has a way of smacking you right in the face. I wish there was another world similar to the movie Matrix. I'd surely want to hide deep inside it.
But; then again that's not reality is it ?
I do not live life. I exist in it one day at a time.
Your amongst people here Sem who understand what your going through even if you don't find all the answers your looking for.
Never mind about tomorrow. That is one of hamanities and one of my greatest faults. Always worrying about the future. It doesn't exist yet. Tomorrow has it's own set of problems. Live today as if were your last. I don't have the best brains to give you all the favorable answers. But at least I'll will go out of my way to listen. Your not alone friend.
Take Care Chris.




Edited by jcf1957 (07/07/08 04:11 PM)
_________________________
No affliction nor temptation, no guilt nor power of sin, no wounded spirit nor terrified conscious should induce us to despair comfort from God.

Today well lived...makes every tomorrow a vision of Hope.
Anonymous

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#236774 - 07/08/08 12:26 PM Re: Just so alone [Re: jcf1957]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
I don't have anyway to run from things or get destracted, I get hurt by "them" constantly. I'm always just left for "them" to do whatever "they" want. I don't get more than a couple of days to even try and heal from it and in the mean time having other attacks. I don't rest, I'm always scared, always in pain, physical pain from all that is done to me. It's not the past for me, it's right now, I don't want a tomorrow because tomorrow "they" will come too. Me being hurt now is what casts me out.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

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