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#235004 - 07/01/08 06:07 PM Poem 19
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1965
Loc: durham, north england
As in rain the sky lamenting,
evening passes into
night,
Others laughter beams ascending,
Drifts up to this lonely hight.
As the sky for beauty weeping,
Hides it's eyes in filthy clouds,
and I alone night watch am keeping,
Far above the thronging crowds.

Below in streets where voices ringing,
friends that hurry through the rain,
while here alone the wind is singing,
A requiem it's cold refreign.

shal I ask a bright companion,
to visit here in the gloom,
to endure the wind and syren,
and time with neither sun nor moon.

I could spin a tale of sorrow,
A bitter durge I might declame,
A gift of warmth to beg or borrow,
to try and set this ash aflame.

but I've no gold nor silver gleaming,
to offer those who'd join me here,
Only rain and starless dreaming,
and an old and well used fear.

Let the sky be my companion,
a starless night of chilling mist,
As I stand outside the human,
Close beside the wide abyss.

Yet in torment I here thunder,
and lightning's bright and sudden power,
And I long for worlds of wonder,
Seen atop an ivory tower.

And tomorrow I'll see morning,
after starless night untold,
And I'll hear the bird of dawning,
the sun a pleasant sham of gold.

Yet no one can rule the weather,
Just endure the sun and rain,
And though at last the storm is over,
soon another comes again.

Beyond the world in shaddow waiting,
here a slave to whether's whim,
a constant victim of the changing,
In sun or rain or twilight dim.

Yet there is no hope in blaming,
time and shadow both agree,
the only one who brought this shaming,
the weather master, ---- that is me.





Edited by dark empathy (07/03/08 11:27 AM)

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#235086 - 07/01/08 09:42 PM Re: Poem 19 [Re: dark empathy]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Luke,

There's so much going on in this poem, but I especially liked this:

Originally Posted By: dark empathy
but I have no gold nor silver gleaming,
to offer those who'd join me here,
Only rain and starless dreaming,
and an old and well used fear.

I just love the image of "starless dreaming", which, without any definition at all, strikes me as describing perfectly how I felt so many nights.

It's terrible what shame can do to a guy.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#235404 - 07/03/08 03:29 AM Re: Poem 19 [Re: roadrunner]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1965
Loc: durham, north england
thanks Larry, to be honest I now realize that line has one sylable too many, though to be honest on tuesday evening I wasn't thinking too carefully about structure, i just wanted some releaf.


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#235440 - 07/03/08 09:58 AM Re: Poem 19 [Re: dark empathy]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
The fix would be: "but I've no gold or silver gleaming"

The anomaly in "Only rain and starless dreaming" is okay and can be read as a way of stressing "Only". Or else replace "only" with something that gives ^-^. Maybe "I feel the rain in starless dreaming", but something better than "feel" would improve it. Maybe "No more than rain and starless dreaming" - you get the idea.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#235462 - 07/03/08 11:30 AM Re: Poem 19 [Re: roadrunner]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1965
Loc: durham, north england
I was thinking stressing only, but the first line did need changing as you suggested. I should really eddit these a bit more, but I always find, ---- much as in my academic work, that I get to a poinnt where I just want to splurge and see what comes out. I was quite down when i did this one on Tuesday, and just wanted to get things out in words.


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#236165 - 07/05/08 07:37 PM Re: Poem 19 [Re: dark empathy]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Yep. I think the important thing about a poem is allowing the expressive and creative impulse to pour something out. Just get it out. Then start fixing it! \:\)

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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