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#235925 - 07/05/08 04:11 AM Things that are stuck in my brain. Trigger Warning
Wyclef_Bakr Offline


Registered: 06/22/08
Posts: 51
Loc: Doorstep of Thugz Mansion.
My first inclination was to post this in the survivors forum, but I was wanting feedback if that's okay.

I do not know how many know this, but my son and I were abused by the same man, who was a "family friend." My mother had known him since she was in elementary school and they were "best friends". She was devasted, to say the least, when we (my son and I) disclosed our story with her.

When my son was born, I was terrified. I wasn't terrified when my daughter was born, I don't know why. My daughter has a strong spirit, and was taught to stick up for herself. Nyjah was as well...but it was after the abuse started at the age of 5.


I'm going to expose him, tell his name because he can't hide even though he is 6 feet under. The name of the man is Darryl.

Darryl began to abuse me when I was 3 years young, fondling me when my mother asked him to take me to the mens room when we were out in stores. I never said anything to her. It felt good when he touched me and it never crossed my mind that it was wrong. Or bad.

The abuse continued for years on end, he came over to the house, even stayed with us when he lost his job giving him free range upon me.

When I was about 17 I began to burn myself with cigarettes, I'd put them out on my wrists, arms, legs, chest, and groin area. I was angry at myself, angry that I couldn't stop it. Angry that he used my family against me. Angry at my family for not knowing. For not seeing what was going on. My grades slipped until I was expelled from school a month before graduation.

I was married to my wife who I met in 9th grade after she graduated. I had my first child in my mid twenties.

Darryl's abuse never ended, he was still r*ping me when I was in my twenties, thirties and even into my fourties. I never stopped him. He threatened my family, showed me the guns and knifes that he owned, even used them on me to make sure I got the message.

I began to work as a trucker and would be gone for weeks and even months on end. Leaving my son and daughter behind, my wife behind to take care of them. Darryl would call me, forcing me to engage in phone sex with him. I did it, with out the blink of an eye, I just submitted to what he wanted in fear he would hurt my family. When he already was.


I'm sorry, I can not go on. But I had to get this out.



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#235931 - 07/05/08 04:47 AM Re: Things that are stuck in my brain. Trigger Warning [Re: Wyclef_Bakr]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Bakr,

I'm so glad you are telling your story. Doing this is a way of rejecting the blame and shame; it's a way of handing responsibility back to the person who deserves it: the abuser.

Bakr, I know it must hurt like hell thinking back to how he continued to harm you into adulthood. But know you're not alone. An abused boy develops a mindset that's totally dominated by bad ideas about himself and a ton of false lessons - all learned in abuse. He thinks he's worthless and only good for one thing; he feels that what happens to him doesn't matter and that it's not even up to him at all. It doesn't feel like his body belongs to him.

That kind of thinking doesn't go away just because he's an adult. Unless he gets the professional help he needs it will continue to harm and control him, but operating in ways that are difficult for him to notice and even harder for him to admit. But you're doing that now, my friend. You're facing things. That's what's important now.

Nyjah never told me the details of what happened to you: just that Darryl abused both of you. But I want you to know that over the entire three years I have known him he has never doubted your love and he has never blamed you - not once. He has always wanted to be back with his Dad, and now that he is, he is full of such a joy and confidence as I have never before seen in him. You are still his Dad and he still needs you. It just goes to show that there are some things that even the cruelest of abusers can't destroy.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#235932 - 07/05/08 04:49 AM Re: Things that are stuck in my brain. Trigger War [Re: Wyclef_Bakr]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Bakr,

I am so sorry for the abuse you have suffered for so many years. All I can says is that this is an incredible tragedy. And as horrible as it was for you, it then took a even more wicked turn as your perp began abusing your son Nyjah. Man this makes me sad...and mad!

My heart breaks for both you and Nyjah. This world we live in can be so incredibly cruel and evil. And I just read your reply to the "Survivors and closure in relationships" thread in the Family and Friends forum. As a result of your disclosing to your wife she left you then eventually committed suicide! Damn it! What can somebody say to all this? I am really, really sorry.

Bakr, all I can say is that I am so glad you and Nyjah found MS. Both of you are incredible men...brave men. I hope you know that we do care about you...both of you. I am so proud of you for sticking by Nyjah and then for taking the courage to share your story with us. Believe it or not, I think you are a strong man and an incredible father Bakr. I know you feel guilt. It's an unfortunately effect of our CSA. You'll work through it though.

We're here for you. Its a long journey, in fact its a journey that I have only just started myself. But we're here for you! Thank you SO MUCH for bearing your soul to us. I know it wasn't easy for you. I hope you feel a sense of release by telling your story here.

Take care and stay strong.
Mike

_________________________
My Story

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#235936 - 07/05/08 06:35 AM Re: Things that are stuck in my brain. Trigger War [Re: Barkabus]
Wyclef_Bakr Offline


Registered: 06/22/08
Posts: 51
Loc: Doorstep of Thugz Mansion.
Thank you all for your support and kind words.

I am having bad dreams currently of him still abusing me, at such an age...such an older age. I feel like a little kid, I have cried in my fathers arms so many times in the past few days. My mind is incredibly scrambled.

All boys need their dad. My dad is here for me now. I am here for Nyjah now.




Edited by Wyclef_Bakr (07/05/08 06:35 AM)

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