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#235384 - 07/02/08 11:33 PM I'm ready to share my story
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
I was in and out of foster homes here in massachusetts throughout my entire childhood and while not being bounced around the system i was living with my no good douchebag mother who sexually abused me for several years and i was molested yet again in my foster home and NO ONE helped or saved me...my social worker and mother would come visit and trust me my cunt of a mother ONLY visited to make it look good.

she'd tell me you're coming home this weekend and every weekend came and went and there i sat in the foster care home with no one to hear me and the pain i felt,,i even told my worker for dsss "i'm afraid " nothing was done nor was anything ever documented.

I have one younger brother ( we are 17 months apart who by the way i do not talk to and have no desire to either ) who i fought with all the time and no matter if we fought and it was his fault or not, i was always to blame therefore i was seperated ,as punishment by my mother who forced me to get into bed with her from age 9 until i was about 17 years old afterall by this time i was already familiar with this form of torture / treatment and confusion so i thought it was of the norm we all now know better.


She would be shitfaced drunk wreaking of booze and cigarettes and would fondle me for hours on end and only when i knew she was passed out enough would i dare to climb out of bed absolutely paralized with fear of her waking up.

This happened on more then one occassion anyway (lets call my brother X ) he would tease me and knew i'd be screamed at and seeing X was her favorite i was tortured with her emotional / sexual abuse along with the psychical abuse only didn't start until i was approx 14 at which time i was literally forced to have intercourse with her( my bad taco mother) on more then several different occassions imagine what that did and continues to do to my psyche.

Finally i was yet again taken out of the home and bounced around the foster care circuit and while living in the home she would be so unpredictable that she'd spend days on the couch and of course i walked on egg shells, either passed out and i never knew when i got home from school if i'd be coming home to chicken casserole and diet coke and cheesecake and everything being "ok" for the moment.

Then there were days i'd come home to such unpredictability that dinner would be sour milk and hard crusty / moldy peanut butter and jelly sandwhich while they ...X and douchebag were eating chinese food.

Anyway the details about the trauma she subjected me to which hurt me the most were her words....for example......i would spill some milk i'd tell her it was an accident and she'd tell me "your birth was an accident i frickin hate you and wish you would just die"....

By the way X was her favorite , she made that pretty clear, therefore i'd do whatever i could to take my anger out on him by any means necessary because i knew it would go right up her ass and piss her off big time, up to and inlcuding take her cigarettes and put them out on his back...i was never aware of this because i dont remember it ....yet i was told this and read it in my DSS ( dept of social services) records.

I was taken out of the public school system and placed in a behavioral school about 40 miles from home and spent the next 11 years there and re-intergrated back in to the public school system in 1979-1990.

The day FINALLY came when i was permenantly taken out of the home and placed into the foster care system where i continued to live until i was 18.

My days at school was my safe haven yet i was comepletely out of control i was on all kinds of meds ....ritilian,and haldol for ADHD and anger.
I never knew what would happen next because i was always, always so afraid and DID NOT trust anyone.I would act out and be psychically restrained and forced to kneel on my knees for hours on end to get my attn and stop acting up....you can be damn certain that after 15 minutes on your knees on the tile floor it got my attn real fast, therefore i knew i'd miss the school bus home and spend hours there at school at least i knew i had more time away from home and in an enviroment afterall i had additional time in a place i felt safe even though they loved and nurutured me yet i pushed and pushed it away as i was not familiar with it and did all i could to beg for it but never knew if i was coming or going.


I graduated high school i was there only for 1 year and then i went into the navy and thats where i found good ole boy my best frined "alcohol"....i thought i arrived and all the pain i went through as a kid was totaly gone....when a kid by the way is being abused he / she might not know they are being abused yet they do in fact know it does not feel right.

I did all i could to deal with bootcamp and it was fricking awful , i was set back 3 X in training( i spent 5 1/2 months at great lakes as a result of being a clown and acting out and getting the men in my company in trouble and being a big jokster.

Things i did are really typical ....farting in ranks and laughing and joking during personell inspection which i always got a "hit" for in that i would never have my locker squared away i always had gear adrift.

It got to the point in training in boot that it was decided i'd be set back and try again...academically i was terrble because i was no longer on meds otherwise if i knew i had issues i would have said as such in my indocranation and swearing in ceremony and the ADHD had me by the throat and i could not focus and the rest is history.

This happened twice more being set back in training although my behavior at this point was simply eratic and my ability to orginize my thoughts,military bearing,stanind at attn was rough BIG TIME and my uniforms were always a friggin mess wether it was a stain on the t-shirt on the collar or i needed a shave...i just could no longer deal with it anymore and my stress level reached a point i made the decsision,as a result yet again of being consumed with fear which explains my dicsiplinary problems ....no capts mast,no reduce in rank...although i had many 30 day restricted duty and could not go anywhere unless it was chow or with the company as a whole,that i needed to get out of the navy and my stress caused me to have fainting spells and lightheadness and pins and needls in my feet which is why i am 40% SC and therefore discharged honorably under medical conditions due to being in a non-deployable status....unable to be put back on full duty.

I was sent to what the military bootcamp commanders called MTU....not sure exactly what it stood for....military training unit...motivational trianing unit...i called it military torture unit.....wehre i was essentially ordered( my fear made me do as i was told, to participate in rifle areobics,jumping jacks with the rifle in hand,push ups on my knuckles with my fists on the deck screaming in agony.

I was deprived water i was deprived sleep and was given the balls to four am watch( 12 AM to 4am) keep in mind i was so drained i couldn't even think straight not to metnion stand watch at attn for four hours at a time and any sleep i did get was about 3 hours ...i failed mtu x 1 and sent back to my company...to being ordered yet again to perform rifle areobics and this time it got worse.


I had massive men in my face spitting all over me and i could not catch my breath during jumping jacks and i collapsed onto the deck...i tried getting up on my feet yet i couldn't i thought i was going to die and only when i was abe to get on my feet i'd do all i could to stay with it and do my best i at one point i was psychically pushed to the deck by one of the CC's and then i just couldn't move and my knees buckled and my legs gave out and told "cooper you're a frickin loser and you've once again failed another session of mtu and you will repeat it and sure enough i did.

Needless to say i failed the next one and the company commanders told me i am kicking your sorry ass out of the navy.All i wanted was the unbearable fear and pain to strop.

I went and filed a complaint with the base chaplin and he was fricking useless and essentially covered up what the company comanders did to me....afterall mtu was never talked about therefore no documents would be available.

My symptoms of PTSD and other disorders i have.....anxiety,major depressive disorder,adhd,and depression....ptsd and the symptoms are to this day still ..........nightmares,fladhbacks,sweating profusely and waking up in a cold sweat screaming...i cannot have my back to people, i do not like any form of crowdsrelatinships are so hard for me, i trust no one9 whic is why i thought this request was a little oddW

When i am in a room i look for the exit(s) so if i need to get the hell out i know where i am gong and i always stay close to the exist(s) as well.I have a huge intimacy issue,i dont like to be touched at all,i cannt have people come up behind and touch me otherwise it will get real ugly real fast...i am hostile when i get angry , i am impatient,no longer am i able to take any kind of public transportation ...i am hypervigilant,hyperarousal,my startle response is so marked that i come out of my skin when i hear loud noises i cant have anyone at all yell in my presence otherwise i get pretty frickin angry and i either leave the room immidiately if not sooner.


so this is me in a nut shell...I was diagnosed by a VA dr apporx 1-12 years ago with PTSD and i am now on all kinds of meds....strattera for ADHD....serax for anger and depresiion,limictal for my lack of control of impules,i am also on valtrex as a result of unsafe sex while i was drinking...i got arrested a few times for being drunk in public and i have robbed my family of so much i cant eve keep track of it anymore.I take meds three times a day sleep meds help me alot more now then they ever did.



_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#235391 - 07/03/08 12:11 AM Re: I'm ready to share my story [Re: thecoopstah]
charles law Offline


Registered: 06/04/08
Posts: 28
Loc: perth australia
wow thecoopstah, charles is my name my abuser was my mother too
I am so sorry it happened to you too and I hope you will find friends here who understand and find healing for me its been a big thing to beable to open up in here and helped me get some of the crap out of my head its been a big help for me and I hope you will find that too

welcome to MS I hope you find answers and direction here
stay strong mate
charles auwarrior


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#235400 - 07/03/08 02:37 AM Re: I'm ready to share my story [Re: charles law]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Hey Coop,

Thanks for sharing. This took a lot of courage to do. I am proud of you for that. It is awful what you went through. No one should ever be subjected to the kind of abuse you went through. No one deserves this kind of punishment. You're a survivor Coop. I hope you know that. You've gotten this far. We're here with you for the rest of your journey of recovery! I am so glad you were able to share your story with us!

Continue the fight!
Mike

_________________________
My Story

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#235406 - 07/03/08 03:55 AM Re: I'm ready to share my story [Re: thecoopstah]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Coop,

I've always read most of your posts simply because, when I was new to the site, I found that we share the fact that our mothers abused us. What she did to you was terrible, and it sure rings a lot of bells.

I guess I don't believe that kids just misbehave, and I think that is the hardest part of your post for me to accept. I wish that child behavior "specialists" would spend more time concentrating on why children act up in school instead of drugging them.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#235419 - 07/03/08 07:54 AM Re: I'm ready to share my story [Re: BJK]
DanM Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 540
Loc: So. California
Coop,

I am sorry you had to endure what you did as a child. At that age, we all look to our Mother's as a "Safety Net" to protect us from the evils of this world. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you felt and are still feeling now. But, I do know the impact that CSA has on one's life and how it influences behavior.

It took a lot of courage to write your story. I hope by doing this you are able to move forward with your healing and with your life. I know when I was finally able to write my story and post it, it was a very scarry, but postive step in my healing. As I have been told many times, the more we tell our story the less influence it has on our lives.

Dan


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#235420 - 07/03/08 07:57 AM Re: I'm ready to share my story [Re: DanM]
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Coop,

I am really sorry about all you went through, and continue to go through because of the abuse. My mother was one of my own abusers, and I think the issues with her are the longer lasting ones that I am having the most trouble dealing with even today.

I hope that by sharing here your story, you are able to be less influenced negatively by it, you can discover your own power, and move your life out of the shadow of abuse. I wish you luck.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#235429 - 07/03/08 08:48 AM Re: I'm ready to share my story [Re: thecoopstah]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
coop, i am so sorry to hear about your life experience.

it's just tragic

you have given me much to ponder today. if this is not a kick in the ass to become more proactive in the arena of sexual assault, i don't know what is.

i going to call pittsburgh action against rape immediately and become a volunteer.

sad, sad, sad.....

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#235434 - 07/03/08 09:44 AM Re: I'm ready to share my story [Re: Sans Logos]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Coop I don't know what to say - I always walk around thinking my abuse was worse than anyone else's, then I read something like this and I'm reminded yeah a lot of guys have it way bad.

You've survived though and you're strong. You can get through this shit.

The doctors back then didn't have much in the way of smarts when it comes to abuse, which probably explains why they drugged you up instead of looking for the true cause.

_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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