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#235319 - 07/02/08 06:48 PM Help, my husband wants to runaway
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
Hi. I'm kinda new here. I've been reading, but this is my first post. I really need some help. My husband is a survivor. We have been married for 4 years,lived together for 3 years prior to that. He is a classic overachiever. Super kind, has a strong belief in Karma. Keeps his guard up at all times.

He disclosed to me during our first year together. He had never told anyone else. He had bad therapy experiences, but at the time, he didn't remember the abuse -he didn't remember until the family memember pasted away. He has never elaborated with me and believes that therapy would be of no help "because a therapist cannot undo the past".

So, we have lived our lives. We have a wonderful relationship. We are best friends (I think it probably goes without saying that he does not have other "close" friends). We always say that "we were destiny" and all that corny stuff. We are one of those couples that make others "sick". He doesn't like to be away from me.

Now - all that said, of course we have "issues". We have intimacy issues, and emotional issues, and there are triggers that I have to watch out for - though, I have no idea what I'm triggering. But we work.

So the reason I'm here today is because last week my husband came home and said that he felt dead inside. He had no feelings at all. He had been thinking and really felt like our relationship had run its course. Maybe/probably we should get divorced. Maybe/probably we should have never gotten married in the first place, that I wanted a family (I don't) and he didn't, we really have nothing in common. He just wants to be alone now and forever. He is no good for anyone.

Then, for three days, he acted like nothing happened. I offered to go away for the holiday weekend to give him space - he said "but you said you wouldn't leave me". Now, last night, he says - by the way, I still think we should go our seperate ways.

This is TOTALLY out of the blue. I asked if there was someone else, he said no-but he thought it would be easier it there were, then there would be a 'reason'. We had a bad year financially. He was going to buy a business & it didn't work out because the seller was dishonest. Now he is in a sales job that keeps him away 13 hours a day. I think he feels bad about the situation & being "on" all day at work and away from me so much has brought alot a bad/inadequate feelings to the surface.

I've read alot of survivor literature since he told me and he is very "text book" I guess you'd say, but he won't address those issues, so I don't push. But now he's pusing me away.

Has anyone else's husband told them "I don't think I love you anymore" totally out of the blue?? Will he really leave?? Or will he cycle back down again?? Please someone talk to me. I have no one. No one knows about this. I'm sorry for the long post, I could just go on and on.

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#235338 - 07/02/08 08:11 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: LittleMiss]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
I wanted to add one more thing. After I read this, I felt it didn't sound quite right. See- my husband & I are 'pretenders'. My dad was bipolar. My husband was abused. We 'act' super nice and happy with people, but that's how we keep people out. We 'pretend' everything is great. He said he saw through me the moment we met. That we were kindred spirits. But now he says "how do we know we are not pretending with each other? how do we know what we feel is really what we feel" Then in the next breath, he says he feels nothing.

Please someone tell me I'm not crazy.

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

Top
#235342 - 07/02/08 08:27 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: LittleMiss]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Oh LittleMiss, I am so sorry that you are going through this. This time last month, my first post was very similar to yours in terms of all of his feelings/lack of feelings coming out of the blue.

I don't think you are crazy. Not at all. From everything that I read too, it sounds as though your husband is going through the classic experience. I guess the big question is why now? Is there anything big that has changed recently? You mentioned that it was a bad year financially and that his business ideas fell through. Perhaps that pushed a potentially low self-esteem over the edge. It is possible that he suddenly felt that he couldn't provide for the family, which in his mind could easily translate to him being good for nothing and therefore unworthy of your love.

My husband told me the same thing. Whenever I would ask why his feelings changed, he came up with a slew of reasons; I wasn't a good driver, I didn't have an all-consuming hobby, etc. It was really clear that he was just reaching. The people on this board were very helpful in getting me to understand that this was just his way of making him feel better - he was incapable of being in a trusting and intimate relationship but couldn't accept responsibility for it...so he put the blame on me. I think he got to the point where he believed all of the negative things that he was saying about me. When I repeated them to our friends and families, they couldn't believe it because it was all the complete opposite of who I really am. His mind had consumed him and I had become the enemy.

I wish I could tell you the story ended well. It hasn't ended completely but I did share my thoughts with him regarding the connection and suggested that he get some help to help him sort through his emotions. He does not believe that there is a connection and feels that I am grasping at straws to keep our marriage together. What I have learned from the people on this site is that I can't change him and I can't be the one to help him. He is the only person that has control over that. I do believe that he will hit rock bottom at some point and that only then will he get the help he needs. Until then though, I need to think about me and what I want out of life. Of course I still have hope that things will work out. I am planning for the worst but hoping for the best, if that makes any sense.

In your case though, it sounds as though your husband might be willing to seek help. Have you talked to him about it? What if you were to ask him to join you for counseling to talk about YOUR pretending tendencies?

Hang in there. I don't think this is just a phase, but I do believe that you might be able to work through it together. He seems open to talking to you about things, and that is a huge start. Is marriage counseling a possiblity? Would he be open to visiting this site?

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#235346 - 07/02/08 08:52 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: Junefriday]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hi LittleMiss and welcome to MS. I don't have anything more to add to what June has already said, I could of course, but it would just be re-phrasing.

I will tell you though that when your husband says he doesn't feel anything, I'm quite certain he isn't talking only about you. My b/f too doesn't feel. He very effectively blocked out his ability to feel when he was a kid in order to protect himself. Now, he fakes it very well. He says and does the right things because he very carefully studied what those things were; he's the perfect mimic. It's only in the last couple of years and most especially the last few weeks that he's realized that he WANTS to feel rather than faking it all the time. That realization though and the effort involved is messing with his head in a big way.

Your husband sounds like he is the same way. But here's the rub, he knows it, you didn't. It may very well be that he's tired of deceiving you. Here's the next rub, you know good things about him and see good things in him that he doesn't believe exist. So you're both running around with fun house mirrors that are absolutely no fun at all.

ROCK ON............Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#235407 - 07/03/08 04:09 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: Trish4850]
riviera Offline
Member

Registered: 06/01/05
Posts: 59
Loc: Spain
Hi LittleMiss,

I can tell you that my boyf, soon after his recovery started, used to have those urges of running away, escaping from his reality. It was so hard for him to face his emotions/reactions, everything he was going through... that he used to find some sort of consolation in that thought, however it never became an act.


I have been supporting him in any possible way, reassuring one time after another my unconditional love to him. So I jus told him the truth about what he was escaping from ... (literally)

" I will be happy to see you leaving if that means that you are going to find yourself and allow yourself to be happy. I will happy to sacrifice having you if that means that you will gain yourself. But don't forget ...no matter where you go, no matter where you hide, no matter who you are with or alone, this will go with you. So you won't find real happiness until you find yourself truly. You can keep escaping from people or places but you can`t escape from yourself"


It really helped him to open his eyes and do sth about it. He still thanks me for that. He really understood what was happening.. and realized how much I loved him and how much he loved me. He could not but try everything to find the strentgh to face his fears, emotions, depressions, nightmares, emotional and physical withdrawal, detachment, disassociations, etc...


I can tell you that those urges stopped.

Now we are at a different stage of his recovery but that is another story.

Good luck,

H



Edited by riviera (07/03/08 04:22 AM)

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#235417 - 07/03/08 07:27 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: LittleMiss]
bgd Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/29/08
Posts: 17
Loc: Melbourne, Australia
To Trish,LittleMiss and Riviera,

I am probably one of those husbands / boyfriends that you describe here, and I think my wife would be very interested in reading your de>

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#235424 - 07/03/08 08:10 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: bgd]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
Thank you guys so much. I just appreciate it so much that someone else cares enough to share their experiences with me. June, I have thought about counseling - for me and then asking if he'd go with me. But he has such an adversion to therapy after his bad experience. He says "no one can make this go away and no one can change how I feel. They can try to say the sky is green all day long, but I know its blue." I agree with Trish-he says he feels nothing at all-for anyone or anything, not just me, but apparently me included. Running with funhouse mirrors is exactly perfectly how I feel.

He never is mean and blames me for things. BUT - he wants to sooo bad. I can see it in him. He says 'leaving me would be like being in highschool and breaking up with the perfect girlfriend'. But I can tell that he LOOKS at me all the time, waiting for me to "prove" I don't love him. One of his biggest breakdowns ever was when I was too tired to make cookies one night (we were out of the refrigerator dough kind). For him, it proved that "he wasn't even worth making cookies for".

Also, June asked if anything had changed recently. Well - I mentioned his business plans falling through. Also, he seems to have convinced himself that I want a family NOW. That is totally untrue - I like kids, but if we don't have any, thats ok. I've never pushed, only asked him what he wanted and explained that I am ok either way. Also, we have moved ALOT in the 7 years we've been together. I think it keeps his mind occupied. We've been in one spot for almost 2 years now and with the 'bad year financially' and housing market, we just can't move again. He said he feels trapped. Also, since he works such long hours and I can't contact him at work - I sent him an email that I missed him and I knew he didn't like his job and maybe he should find something else, that we were spending too much time apart - apparently to him it said "you are worthless and make me unhappy".

He did do something similar to this in our first year together. He 'freaked out' and said he could't handle the committment. He asked me to move out. That's the night he told me what happened to him. He was abused by his favorite Grandmother. The only person in his family who ever paid attention to him or loved him. The rest of his family is very 'distant'. I did something similar to what riviera said - I told him that I loved him the same whether I was with him or not, and that he was the same person fighting the same battles whether he was alone or not. Per his request, I moved out. I was gone a week. Then he begged me to come back. 6 months later we were engaged. A year and a half after that, married. We knew what we were getting into. But he/we said that we believed in marriage and did not take it lightly. We would always try to work things out. Now he says that we wouldn't have needed to say those things if they were actually true. That the act of saying them just means that we were trying to convince ourselves. How do I argue with that?

Thank you bgd for offering the "other side" opinion. Read what we wives have written and know that your wife too just wants to love you. Its just so hard for you guys to let us.

(I have to go to work - check back later. This has helped me through another morning.)

LittleMiss

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#235428 - 07/03/08 08:29 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: LittleMiss]
bgd Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/29/08
Posts: 17
Loc: Melbourne, Australia

"Its just so hard for you guys to let us"

It is so hard to believe. It is so hard to believe that anyone has a reason to love me.
So I too look for proof, forever alert.


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#235431 - 07/03/08 09:24 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: bgd]
jaa Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/17/07
Posts: 69
Loc: Rhode Island
Little Miss, Your husband is right when he says,"no one can make this go away and no one can change how I feel. They can try to say the sky is green all day long, but I know its blue."

Only he can work on recovery, a therapist is just a tool to help. Many of us have to go through multiple therapists to find the right one. "IT" never goes away...we just learn about it and reprogram ourselves to live better.

_________________________
John

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#235452 - 07/03/08 10:49 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: jaa]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
LittleMiss, my husband would also run away but in the sense of taking trips to escape reality. I know he has a travel bug which I support, but he has used the word "escape" far too often now for it to be ignored.

He would also seek out things to prove that I was not worthy. Any little thing around the house that didn't work was somehow my fault. He wouldn't openly blame me for it, but the blame would be apparent if we talked about why he got so upset over little things. He is now convinced that we made a mistake in buying the house and wants to sell it.

I thought my husband also believed in marriage - he said he did. But at the first sign of trouble he bailed. He didn't even take the time to question why/how his feelings for me were changing. Clearly he became emotionally numb, as perhaps your husband is becoming. The problem is that they don't know what that means and are resistent to educating themselves. It is very hearbreaking to know that we love them for who they are but that they don't believe us. And then they turn it around and say that they are doing it for US...because we deserve more. Yes, maybe we do deserve more in the sense that we are not their abusers and we didn't ask for this. But neither did they. If only they could open the door just a crack...

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#235544 - 07/03/08 06:18 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: Junefriday]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
June, it sounds like you and I are in the exact same boat. What you just said sums up how I feel perfectly. My husband doesn't seem to blame me for things around the house - but we can't have a simple conversation about things either. I do alot around the house. But I can't ever say "hey, would you wash the dishes?" Because to him(and I know this from lots of experience), I'm saying "hey - you suck, you don't do anything around here" and I'm a mean person. So after we figured this out, I said, well then - how am I supposed to ask you to do things? Simple answer - I can't. And I can't get into any type of disagreement with him because he is the master at turning my words around to make me sound terrible.

I don't know. Maybe if we could move again, everything would be ok again for a while. But this time, we just can't. I would if I could, I always have before. But also I can't even fathom getting a divorce. When he walked in and said he felt our relationship had run its course and maybe he didn't feel anything for me anymore, that maybe we aren't "the great love"- it would be like if the Pope made an announcement that there is no God. It was just that shocking/unexpected and I believed in us that much.







Edited by LittleMiss (07/05/08 11:02 AM)
_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

Top
#236001 - 07/05/08 11:25 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: LittleMiss]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
*update*

Just wanted to say that Thursday night he felt that our entire relationship had been a sham. That we were only together because he felt sorry for me and that we got married because he felt pressured. Now he feels nothing and I can't change how he feels.

So yesterday, we got out the photo albums and looked. We look happy here, I said, and on and on. Yes, he agreed. For my birthday a couple of months ago, he got me a peice of jewlry to 'symbolize' our love and a sappy card. Did you mean that then, I asked. Did you feel that way then, or were you pretending? Be honest, we have nothing to loose now. No, he said, of course I felt it then.

Well, I pointed out, if you felt happy at times in the past and you felt love for me a couple of months ago - that has obviously changed in to the nothingness that you feel now. You say that you feel nothing and that how you feel can't be changed. But how you once felt changed. So how do you KNOW that the nothingness won't change too?

He pointed at his head and said "welcome to my world".

One good thing - at the end of the day I asked if he could at least agree to be "undecided" about leaving. He said that he had been "undecided" all week, that's why he hadn't left. (He seemed pretty set on leaving last weekend, but I didn't bring that up.)

Ya'know - I worry about posting on this site. He knows I read this site, I've tried to get him to, but as far as I know, he won't. I don't talk about this stuff with anyone, but he might be upset if he knew I posted. I need someone to talk to, but you know how secretive/private survivors are. I guess I shouldn't post anymore unless he says its ok - but I know he never would. What is everyone else's stand on this. Does you husband/boyfriend know you post?

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

Top
#236075 - 07/05/08 03:14 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: Junefriday]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
It's intersting reading all these posts. My husband also has to find blame in everything. It can never just be that crap happens....the milk goes bad, "you need to start putting that away"....not that it's just expired.....I mean everything, everyday is like that. It has me a defensive mess at times. Other times I just feel furious with him. It's like the universe is tilted against him. Of course it's raining, it's my day off....it's quite self centered, yet he does not see it at all.

He has taken steps towards healing but he stops short of feeling the feelings he needs to feel to move forward. I can tell when he's shut me out, his eyes actually change color. He fogs over and I know that nothing I'm about to say will get through the mask he now has on. It's a depressing hard way to live. I've never truly had this man. He lets me in only as far as he can and rest I just have to hope will become with time. I've been with him for 18 years and he's only just started to work on these things.

He wrote a letter to his mom, who ignored him. Our therapist asked me to call her and see if she got the letter, she said she did and that it was his fault for wanting to go with the abuser and that since he never told it was his own fault, she has nothing to do with it....

There is peace knowing I am not alone in this insanity world I live in.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#236084 - 07/05/08 03:38 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: dangal]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: dangal

I can tell when he's shut me out, his eyes actually change color. He fogs over and I know that nothing I'm about to say will get through the mask he now has on.



I know exactly what you mean, even the eye color thing - I've never said that before because I thought I was crazy. It's like -one minute there he is man-I-love, then boom! he shuts the door and is gone. Completely gone. But he's still the man-I-love, and no matter what, always will be.

I just wish he'd keep it open just a crack.

dangal, You are not alone in the insanity.




Edited by LittleMiss (07/05/08 03:40 PM)
_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

Top
#236085 - 07/05/08 03:43 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: dangal]
ChristineTrying Offline


Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 36
Hi Everyone, I am new here. After reading all your posts, I can so relate. My bf of several years only recently told me about his abuse and it has hit me like a brick. I suspected a very long time ago that something happened because he is so emotionally distant and if I react to something with tears, he can't comfort me at all. Everything that happens only happens to him. As dangal said, he's quite self-centered. I try to be understanding and patient but how long do I go on? He has never said he wants to run away ...but what if I do? He has fought these demons all his life and they're not likely to go away anytime soon even with me in his life. How awful a person must I be to even think of leaving this man who has so many personal issues that it is just painful to watch him sit. He has no sense of how his actions and words affect me or anyone around us. I get so tired of having to explain away his unfeeling attitude, uncaring ways toward me. Then he gives me a card that says "I love you". Is it truly selfish of me to want to have a normal life with someone who wasn't abused, who wasn't manipulated, who can actually 'be with me' and not shut down every time the battery goes dead in the remote control?

Am I just venting? I just so can relate with all of you. My family doesn't, can't understand. Neither I nor any of my siblings, parents, or friends ever suffered abuse from anyone and so it's not something I can talk about with them.

I'm scared yes to be on my own but truthfully, lately, living with him scares me even more. Most days and nights I can't imagine living with him forever.


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#236094 - 07/05/08 04:11 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: ChristineTrying]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Little miss....That was the first time I've ever said the eye color thing either, for the same reason, but after 18 years, I KNOW I'm not crazy. I see the change. I know when it's a lost cause. It's exactly like you said one minute I've got him and the next it's a door slammed and his eyes always tell me. When the eyes go I know he's going to be rude, mean and as hurful as he possible can to get me to go away, or get me to stop talking to him.

Christine,
Wow, lot's of emotion here. There are moments that I think I can't live another moment in this. Thankfully now that I know what's going on with him those moments are not nearly as often as they were for me.

He never told me about the abuse because he thought he would lose me, now as you I think how could I ever leave? What kind of a woman would do that now?

As long as I see progress and hope I'm staying.

Only you will know what to do. We all deserve to be with someone who lifts us up and makes us feel great, who is supportive and caring. If you think he's capable of doing those things then stick with it. If he's willing to work on things, go to thearpy and such those are all pluses.

I love my husband but I won't stay if he won't do the work with me it takes to keep us moving forward. Thank goodness for our 3 kids he's made the choice to be in therapy and he tries. Trying is all you can ask for. These men have been hurt, broken and beat down. Perfection can't be expected.

I'm glad we have each other, as said above, no one else "gets" this.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#236124 - 07/05/08 05:58 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: dangal]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Wow, it is really, really frightening to read some of these posts and without looking at the name, have absolutely no idea which ones I wrote!! It is reassuring too though, to know that I am not alone.

LittleMiss, what you described in your earlier post about your H feeling nothing - that is exactly what my H has said to me. I don't understand how you can love someone for 2 years, live with them, talk to her parents and your parents re. permission to marry, buy a house together and then WHAMMO, feel NOTHING...it just doesn't make sense. That is when I started desperately looking for reasons to explain it. At first I believed everything that he said regarding the marriage breakdown being because I was too X or I wasn't enough Y. His family tried to get me to stop accepting the blame and during that process, I got tidbits from them that something had happened to him as a child. So, I confronted him and he told me. With absolutely no emotion. Since then I have been reading non-stop to learn what this all means, to try to make sense of it, etc. Unfortunately it has left me very well-educated, very confident in myself and that I don't deserve to be blamed for everything, but it has also left me with the inevitable sick feeling that I am powerless to save what is most important in my life, simply because he can't see the connection. It breaks my heart to see him walk away from me, knowing how much I adore him, remembering all those wonderful times, and thinking about the many dreams we had for our life together.

Christine, you mentioned that your BF is self-centered and can't comfort your when you are upset. My H is exactly the same. I thought it was just typical of the men in his family as they don't like talking about emotions. But, I was seeing a therapist to help me deal with our marriage falling apart. After the very first session where I described some of the stuff that had happened (without at the time knowing about the CSA), she said my H sounded narcissistic. I read up on it and yes, that very much sounded like him. At my next session, I asked her how a person BECOMES narcissistic. She said often the mind goes to the extreme to protect itself as a result of some sort of trauma, to the point where it does not acknowledge that anyone else actually exists outside of their realm. When I learned about my H's experience, I told her. She said it all made sense and that his narcissism was one of the coping strategies he developed at a young age and it has progressed as he has gotten older. That coupled with the need to escape, projection of his own insecurities on me, projection of blame on me and emotional numbness has really made him a difficult person to be with. Yet in his mind, IT IS ALL ME.

What is most frustrating through all of this is that I still love him. I don't understand why. I am independent, financially stable, successful, etc. I don't need him. But, I want him. He added something wonderful to my life and I cannot imagine life without him.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#236139 - 07/05/08 06:55 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: Junefriday]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
June,

He's a lucky man that you love him, don't need him, but still want him \:\) He adds whatever he adds that keeps you invested.
I have me one of those as well. I'm glad I've stuck it through.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#236154 - 07/05/08 07:19 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: dangal]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Dangal, did he LET you stick it through? My H isn't letting me so it is getting more and more difficult and I am running out of time (divorce is looming).

But yes, I do agree that he is a lucky man. Much luckier than he will ever know. I've told him that I am the best thing that has happened to him (I know it sounds terribly arrogant but I wanted him to know how confident I was in my feelings for him and in us being a good match). He thought I was joking.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#236166 - 07/05/08 07:38 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: Junefriday]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Ohh I'm sorry. Yes he's letting me. He's a willing party in this relationship. I should have backed up and read more, sorry. There are so many of us that the stories blur at times. Have him call me, I'll straighten him out hehe...I wish I could. We are in therapy working, trodding through....

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#236187 - 07/05/08 09:17 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: dangal]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
LittleMiss,

my H knows I come to this site. He is really mad about it. He told me that I am mentally & emotionally abusing him by coming here.(his exact words) He told me that I have no business being here, and it is filling my head with nonsense. I told him that I am a grown woman and he has no right to tell me what I can and cannot do. Needless to say he was not happy, and he does not come here.

Warmly, NYDAISY


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#236197 - 07/05/08 10:01 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: NY Daisy]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Dangal,I think we ALL have a long list of people who want to give our partners' heads a shake!! \:\)

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#236834 - 07/08/08 06:35 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: Junefriday]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Junefriday
but it has also left me with the inevitable sick feeling that I am powerless to save what is most important in my life, simply because he can't see the connection. It breaks my heart to see him walk away from me, knowing how much I adore him, remembering all those wonderful times, and thinking about the many dreams we had for our life together.


That's me. My husband told me last night that he definately wants a divorce. He said that he thinks he has been faking for a long time, pretending to be the perfect husband and saying what he thought I wanted to hear, when in reality he feels nothing. He wishes he could be sad that it is over, but he just feels nothing.

He ran into an old schoolmate the other day who made the comment 'why didn't you and I ever get together?'. He said that he thought to himself 'hmmm, I wonder what life would have been like if I had been with her instead?' So, he said, because he had that fleeting thought - it obviously meant that I am not "the one" for him, because if I was, he never would have thought that. He said that he doesn't want to be with her though, he wants to be alone to wallow in his misery because that is what he deserves.

He says he feels like a bad person, a black soul and that I will be better off without him. He said that I could hate him if I wanted to - that would be best. Everything said with no emotion at all. He won't even look at me, he turns his head away. I am not the type that yells and screams or says mean things. I'm just crying my eyes out. When I tried to bring up that maybe some of how he feels "bad" may stem from other issues - he said that he wished he had never told me because now I am throwing it back up at him. (I've done alot of reading on my own, but never never have I brought it up to him/thrown it in his face, tried to make him talk about it, anything. Only to show support and let him know if he ever did want/need to talk, he could.)

I wish I had found this site years ago, instead of now in this time of crisis. I read some of you all talking about the needy-clinging ways your husbands/boyfriends are. My husband was that way too. We were each other's world. If someone had predicted this a month ago, I would have laughed at how completely ridiculous it was. How completely impossible. But then one day, he came home a different man. I had lost him.

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#236842 - 07/08/08 07:54 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: LittleMiss]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
LittleMiss, our stories are so similar! I feel the same way - when I think back to 6 months ago, we were trying to determine if we should start working on a family before a trip that was planned with my family or after. Now he is out of the house, we correspond by notes, email and text mail, and we are heading toward a divorce.

I don't know that to tell you except that you can't change him. All you can do is continue to be yourself. Keep loving him (because really, as much as you might want to, hating him isn't an option), tell him how much he means to you, but also tell him that if he truly wants out, he needs to do it for himself. I am sure what he told you about the other woman was just to provoke you...maybe some perverse way of making you hate him so it would be easier on him and on you...I don't know. Just don't let it get to you if possible.

Take it one day at a time.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#236931 - 07/09/08 08:10 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: Junefriday]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
June, thank you. We are rapidly heading towards me moving out. I do not want to AT ALL- but he is pushing pushing pushing. I'm supposed to be looking at adds. I DO think that he wants me to hate him - he even said 'you can hate me if you want to, I'd understand' in a weird dreamy voice. Last night he said he wanted me out by Saturday - he thinks 'it would be best' for me. Me?!? Then this morning, he was sad and pouty and kept asking if I was mad at him about last night. No. He said that I should take my time finding a place, he wanted me & our dog to have a nice little house and he would help us. Then he would live in our house (and pay for everything) until we sell it - then he would go 'live under a bridge'.

I'm still here. I keep thinking I can ride this out. I don't hate him. I could NEVER hate him. I love him ridiculously. I HATE what happened to him. I HATE that he feels lost and bad and nothing. I HATE that he seeks to distroy what makes him happy. I HATE when his eyes glaze over and he goes away. I HATE that he thinks when he's happy he is only pretending. I think sometimes, he really is happy and that scares him most of all.

This morning he was hugging me goodbye and said 'you don't know how this is going to turn out, it might be ok for us' kinda making it sound like we might stay/get back together.

I'm a basket case - and I have to go to work and 'pretend' to be normal. (that's how he feels, huh?) My co-workers are freaking out because I'm being 'quiet'. Wait til the nervous breakdown. If they only knew what was going on. They all idolize my husband. They all tell me that they wish their's were more like mine.

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#236934 - 07/09/08 08:41 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: LittleMiss]
bgd Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/29/08
Posts: 17
Loc: Melbourne, Australia
To LittleMiss and JuneFriday
I feel like I am butting in here - your discussions are so detailed. Crikey, my head is spinning.
I hate to say this, but from my point of view I think we can use our wifes as a bit of an emotional punching bag, and also as a way out of facing demons that may be lurking just below the surface. But don't tell my wife that.
I find the emotions from my wife (sorry, women in general) very threatening - I don't know if this has got anything to do with it. A female emotion seems to be so much more detailed and in touch with oneself, yet you can't fix our problems. To me a female emotion comes across as self-centred, so I am pretty wary and mistrusting of them.
I guess that is putting too much on our partners, and when it goes there now I know it is not right. Trouble is, when I recognise I am going there I can do something about it.
I really hope your partners see the light and realise they are lucky (it sounds that way anyway).
It also scares me a bit to recognize bits of me amongst all this.
You might not believe this, but none of this is meant as a criticism. Maybe, just maybe, there is some insight there that you otherwise aren't aware of.
I hope you all get the support you need, and your partners accept your support.


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#236942 - 07/09/08 10:22 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: bgd]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
bgd, thanks for sharing your perspective. In general, I think women are more introspective and tend to be more articulate about our feelings and emotions. That doesn't mean that all women like to talk about how they feel, but when we do, what we say tends to be more thought out and definitely more detailed. I know it is very common for men to get frustrated listening to women talk about how they feel and often wish we would just get to the point. The trouble is that there isn't just ONE point for us so it takes us a while to clearly say what we want to say. I don't think that is a survivor/partner difference but rather a male/female difference. Where the survivor/partner aspect makes it a little stickier is exactly what you said, "I find the emotions from my wife (sorry, women in general) very threatening". The way partners describe their emotions, it is clear that we are really in touch with what we feel and spend a great deal of time thinking about it. For a survivor, you don't want to think about how you feel because feelings are scary, or they are disregarded or you have been told to "get over it" or "suck it up". It is no surprise that many survivors escape to emotional numbness.

As for "female emotion comes across as self-centred", I found that interesting. I wonder if it because most women have either heard or read that when talking about something that upsets us, we should steer clear of being accusatory. So rather than saying "YOU never X" or "YOU are always Y", we are taught to say "When you X, it makes me feel like...". All the self-help books on communication and relating seem to suggest that you take the focus away from the other person and put it into terms about how it makes you feel, so that you aren't necessarily putting the blame on them but rather showing how actions/words, etc. affect you.

Very intereting...

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#236944 - 07/09/08 10:31 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: Junefriday]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
LittleMiss, I wish I could tell you how to make things better and how to lessen the pain that you are feeling, but I can't. I don't have any answers for you at all. All I can tell you is that you are stronger than you think and that you will get through it. Feel free to send me a PM if you want to discuss our situations a bit more.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#237046 - 07/09/08 04:37 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: Junefriday]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
bgd, you are a brave, brave man. Attempting to delve into women's emotions. When I have something to say, I hate to beat around the bush. I will present my case, and have many facts to back up my point.( I was quite the debator, in school.My poor husband.) If I am talking to my H, and I try to explain how I am feeling, I will state my facts to make my point, when he counters, a simple question of when or where? will send him into immediate emotional lockdown.

I agree that emotions are self- centered. how could they not be? They are how you are feeling. Example, I tell my H what is bothering me, I want him to listen and validate. He does not have to agree with me, just acknowledge. Selfish, yes. His response 8 out of 10 times,"What about my feelings, what about me?" Isn't that self-centered? We all want to be heard and validated, it is human nature.

I will stop now. I did not take any offense to you writing. I welcome any input you men have to offer, it's how I learn to deal with this,and it offers me a little insight into how my H might be feeling,since he is closed up about it.

So anything you men may have offer, I say bring it on,NYDAISY



Edited by NY Daisy (07/09/08 04:39 PM)

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#237060 - 07/09/08 05:15 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: NY Daisy]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 856
Loc: washington
I feel your pain, and I hope this helps,

One thing I learned in a psych class, is women are touchy-feely and men are rock breakers.

Back on the plaground, I was over with the boys breaking rocks, and I know which rocks break better than others.

the natural course from then on is we, as men, are playing catch up with are emotions.

I didn't hear anything about a trial separation in this conversation, where hopefully he can find the courage to confront his demons.

courage is not the absence of fear, courage is having fear and doing/facing it anyway.

Wish I had more to offer,

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#237065 - 07/09/08 06:11 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: 1islandboy]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
bgd, thanks for your post and like NY daisy, I welcome any male insight. I'm sorry I've rattled on and on. I just needed to vent and I have no one to talk to about this. Maybe I have been too personal and I'm sorry if I've offended anyone. I agree with you, I think emotions are scary to my husband too. Its so hard, because I can understand why/how he is, but I can't do anything to stop it. His childhood was ruined, and I don't want to see him ruin his adulthood too. It hurts me for him.

1islandboy - maybe to him, this is a trial seperation, maybe that's what he meant by 'we don't know how this will turn out'. All I know is one of us would have to file for divorce and it WON'T be me.

Thank you June for all your support. I really hope for you that you can hang on as well. You be strong and I'll be strong and please know that I am thinking of you often and including you and your husband in my prayers (I hope 'prayers' doesn't offend).

If/when we do seperate, I just don't know what to tell the 'world' and PEOPLE ask. I would never illude to the real reason behind it all - he trusted me and other than here behind false names, I cannot discuss that. I love him and I don't want anyone to think bad of him (as in 'my husband doesn't love me anymore, so he left). If we did seperate, I would always ALWAYS take him back. So I don't want any family members holding grudges, but I don't want to take the blame either.

You know - I read alot of the posts and notice the locations - and we are ALL over the world. I noticed on one post someone using some 'regional slang' I recognized, so he is probably no more that 50 miles away from me. It just blows my mind, all of us experiencing the same things.

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#237190 - 07/10/08 04:37 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: 1islandboy]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
I went through a stage like that with my Husband. If I said You are hurting me he'd be mad at how I said it, so I started saying I feel this and I feel that...then he said gosh woman it's all about you....This went on till I finally broke down and said I can't say anything right and I'm trying so hard to not upset you....

Therapy has been a good thing is all I can say. Since we started things have come out and I've been able to see what's going on in that head of his. It was amazing to learn that simply little things I said were not being processed by him how I had intended. I highlighted a statement in one of his books, something along the line of all children have the right to be loved and protected, that right is absolute.....he flipped out. I can't remember exactly what he thought I was trying to tell him but I remember thinking evil kenevil couldn't have made that leap. I thought I was doing something sweet by validating he should have been loved and protected and he took it as some sort of attack. I've really learned to explain well what I'm meaning. Sucks that it has to be this way for now, but it's been getting better thankfully. I wish I could do more for you girls who's husbands are pushing you away so hard. I've been there. Not sure why mine has decided to work on us but I'm thankful he has.

Hugs to you! Good luck and let me know if you need to talk, I'm a phone call away.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#238045 - 07/14/08 06:57 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: NY Daisy]
bgd Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/29/08
Posts: 17
Loc: Melbourne, Australia
I don't think I was trying to be brave, and I certainly wasn't trying to delve into female emotions.
I was really trying to give an insight into what I feel or think, so I guess that means that it didn't come across too clearly?
Also, I meant to make the distinction between self-centred and selfish - at least in my mind and also for my own benefit. Everyone has to be self-centred or selfish at some point in order to care for oneself (not practised all that well by me) but the actions following don't have to be selfish. That is, they don't have to exclude others.
So perhaps someone saying "what about my feelings" are feeling a little excluded from the whole process. Whether or not that feeling is justified is entirely another matter, but it may just be what they are feeling for whatever reason.
It may be showing that they are not connecting. I know sometimes it takes a hell of a lot of convincing for me to be positive about belonging in the world.
Anyway, hope I have made sense


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#238452 - 07/16/08 03:52 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: LittleMiss]
bgd Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/29/08
Posts: 17
Loc: Melbourne, Australia
I am so sorry it is going this way. Even though it sounds definate, I hope things can change as quickly as they changed for the worse.
I have had the same doubting thoughts as your husband many times, and it is still a mystery to me why exactly it happens.
There is so much self-doubt and a need to find credibility and justification of actions I have taken in the past.
Perhaps it has been so difficult to have confidence in my actions because I also was doing what I thought was expected of me. In the absence of the ability to act instinctively, you copy and try to fit in. The feeling of having pretended certainly comes in here, and also the feeling that I must have been lying ot myself. I have most definately doubted the connection, both from my wife and myself.
Also, being in an emotional void during the period that should be producing the most emotion (courting period and wedding) does not give the purpose or validity to life that is so needed.
I remember my wedding day was the most frightening day of my life, and I cannot stand to see my wedding video - I absolutely hate the sight of myself on it.
In fact I was so nervous waiting in the church before my wife arrived, that the priest asked me if I wanted to go ahead with it still - he said it wasn't too late to pull out if I didn't want to be there.
So I know I certainly can't attach any trust or credibility to that state of mind.
One thing I did start doing a few years ago was to start trusting my instincts. This seemed to bring me in to the present, and gave closure to each little decision I was making.
There is also the regular feeling that because I feel so dependant on others for emotion, there is the urge to think - I will show you all, I will survive on my own and I will be able to dictate to others the terms of my life.
By the way, I don't think you are rattling on at all. I hope things improve for you.


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#238514 - 07/16/08 12:42 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: 1islandboy]
riviera Offline
Member

Registered: 06/01/05
Posts: 59
Loc: Spain
Originally Posted By: 1islandboy
I didn't hear anything about a trial separation in this conversation, where hopefully he can find the courage to confront his demons.


island,

this comment really got me. My boyf and I after 8 years together, 4 since he started his recovery, are separating for a while. We have lived together for 7 yrs. And all for the reason you mentioned. He found the courage to confront his demons, discover his "real" self, get to his emotions... He (we) want us back,empowered, happy and free from the past, from old and now pointless self-defence mechanisms. He and me want to keep fighting for us...

I just wish that after all what is about to happen we can finally get back together, holding hands with a gorgeous smile in our faces.

Good luck to you all
H



Edited by riviera (07/16/08 12:46 PM)

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#238546 - 07/16/08 05:57 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: bgd]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: bgd
There is so much self-doubt and a need to find credibility and justification of actions I have taken in the past.
Perhaps it has been so difficult to have confidence in my actions because I also was doing what I thought was expected of me. In the absence of the ability to act instinctively, you copy and try to fit in. The feeling of having pretended certainly comes in here, and also the feeling that I must have been lying ot myself. I have most definately doubted the connection, both from my wife and myself.


Thanks for that bgd. That is exactly what my husband says. He feels like he has only been doing "the right thing" and what is expected of him. He says "how do we KNOW we belong together? how do we KNOW we're not pretending with each other? how do I KNOW you are 'the one'?" Like I said earlier about him running into an old school mate - because for a minute he thought about what his life would have been like with her - because he thought that fleeting thought, he is now eaten up with guilt - just as if he had cheated on me - because if I am TRULY the one, he would not have had that thought. Since he did, it means that I'm not 'the one'. Is that "all or nothing thinking" that we all talk about? He said that it has made him re-evaluate everything.

I can't make him change his mind. But at the same time he says things like "we don't know how this will turn out".

I told people. Everyone is shocked. 'We are the perfect couple. Everyone wished they were like us. How can this be?' My husband says "Boy - we sure had them fooled" He thinks I love him because he always tried to be the perfect husband. I told him - JUST BE WHO YOU ARE - good and bad, I love you. If you are mad, be mad. If you are sad, be sad. But he can't.

I'm moving out soon. He doesn't even want our dog. People say - why would you take him back!? But I would. I always will. No one understands and I can't explain. He is just SO LOST. He says that this is the first time he is doing what he wants to do, and I am being selfish by wanting him to stay. He gets mad if I say this is hurting me - because he says I am saying that to hurt him. I am at a loss of words. I am overwhelmed by everything that is happening. He won't let me help him or love him. I don't have my best friend to talk to about all this.



Edited by LittleMiss (07/16/08 05:59 PM)
_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#238617 - 07/17/08 02:25 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: LittleMiss]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Little Miss,

I have not been posting for a while, but I wanted to let you know I echo your devastation and disbelief. I am so sorry this is happening to you. It is truly a nightmare.

My H and I have been married 16 yrs this Sept and have a beautiful little child. We have had great times together and been blessed in so many ways. Still, he is not happy. He did recently admit that "it's not you, it's me." But still he tells me he just cannot "get close to" me and doesn't know why. He jokes about us breaking up even though he knows it upsets me. He is very unemotional. He never used to be this way at all.

And one of the worst things about it all is living in front of other people and trying to appear normal. I mean, how many people can just go back to work and do whatever, talk to people, friends, etc., socialize, when they've just been broadsided unexpectedly with heartbreaking news from their H? It is insane. And then we can't even tell others the truth, why everything is so weird, b/c of H's privacy. So we have to pretend or come up w/ other things to say. And it's really hard w/ our good friends, b/c they know us and care about us, and we have to lie even to them about the truth.

I've cried my eyes out so much these past 2 yrs. This whole thing is an ongoing nightmare - will someone please wake me up and tell me it was just a bad dream?

I can't believe he is actually leaving. Is he really making the move to file for divorce? I've heard of survivors making their spouses so miserable that the spouse finally files, but rarely it seems does the survivor, even if he says it might be the best thing, to divorce.

It's so unfair to all of us.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#238633 - 07/17/08 08:17 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: Brokenhearted]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Brokenhearted
And one of the worst things about it all is living in front of other people and trying to appear normal. I mean, how many people can just go back to work and do whatever, talk to people, friends, etc., socialize, when they've just been broadsided unexpectedly with heartbreaking news from their H? It is insane. And then we can't even tell others the truth, why everything is so weird, b/c of H's privacy. So we have to pretend or come up w/ other things to say. And it's really hard w/ our good friends, b/c they know us and care about us, and we have to lie even to them about the truth.

I've cried my eyes out so much these past 2 yrs. This whole thing is an ongoing nightmare - will someone please wake me up and tell me it was just a bad dream?
It's so unfair to all of us.


Exactly, exactly, exactly. I just say "he's re-evaluated his life and decided he doesn't want to be married anymore". What a crock of crap - and I'm sure they know it. But what do I say!?!

I'm moving out as soon as the townhouse is recarpeted. Since there is now an 'end date', he has calmed down considerabley. He still says 'divorce', but has made no move to file and says that we have a lot to 'get in order' before we do anything. I keep thinking he is going to change his mind. We still have dinner together. We still hug. We still sleep together. It is insane.

But of course, family and friends say - why would you take him back?? That's pathetic. You leave, you leave for good. It is OVER. They don't understand - and I can't tell them. I care about him more than I ever knew someone could care about a person. I look at him and I SEE him. I just can't give up on him. We're married and I knew about all of this within the first year. I knew, and I signed up for this anyway. Its 7 years later. Just because right now, he is not holding up his end of our deal, doesn't mean I'm going to drop my end too. Does that make sense?

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#238634 - 07/17/08 08:58 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: LittleMiss]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Wow, your stories are so compelling. They really exemplify how the damage reaches out like tendrils and find other people to infect with it's confusion and pain.

There is one thing in your situations that stands out for me, and it's this whole obsession with the idea of finding, "The One". I used to obsess and agonize over that myself, but I finally got to a place where I realized that I was wasting my time with that whole idea. It's as though everything in our lives reminds of how our choices in life are "infected" and sort of "contaminated" with this event that we wish had never happened (the abuse). We are plagued with the question that can never be answered, "What choices would I have made if the abuse had never occurred?" It's all so unbelievably overwhelming that it causes us to completely shutdown. It's like discovering that your computer has a virus and there's nothing to remove it. You just keep rebooting and hoping that one day it will just be gone.

Unfortunately I cannot tell you how to help your partners/spouses to get past all this preoccupation with "the one". However I can tell you that they are not looking for an end by taking these extreme measures, but they are looking for a beginning of themselves. They just want to feel confidence and a sense of self. Everyone needs that.

Sorry if this is not helpful, I just wanted to share from a male perspective.

Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#238636 - 07/17/08 09:26 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: cbfull]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
LittleMiss, once again I am struck by how similar our stories are. Your husband's words of "not wanting to be married anymore" are exactly what my H has said. Of course it seems odd that we only JUST got married. He has said that he thought I was different and the person he married is not what he expected. I asked what he expected and he admitted that maybe he is looking for perfection which he realizes doesn't exist. He believes that if we were truly meant to be, our relationship wouldn't require work. Like you and your H, we still have dinner together, we do things together...in fact to everyone else, we are very much married and happy. It isn't that we are faking it, it is that when we do things together, we get along well. Something is going on in his head that is giving him insecurities. When I think about friends who have gone through divorce, their marriages were horrible. They couldn't be in the same room together, etc. We aren't like that. He is just numb and feels nothing toward me and our relationship. But he isn't ready to admit that so as a result, our marriage is ending because IT isn't working. I am helpless to change his mind but it is very similar to what Craig said above about finding "The One".

Oddly enough, I was speaking to a family friend the other day who said that my H appears to be searching for happiness...in me, in the crazy purchases that he makes without even needing the things he buys, in traveling, etc. The friend said that he's seen it a number of times with people that he's counselled. Unfortunately happiness can only be found within, but it is likely that my H is too afraid to look there because there is nothing inside him. In a way, maybe they are doing us a favour.

As for what your family is saying about getting a lawyer, etc. Do it. You need to take care of you. That doesn't mean that you stop loving him. It doesn't mean that you stop trying to help him. But, you need to make sure that your needs don't get pushed aside too much, and that includes your security. My H's deterioration is happening quickly. I am trying to get some things settled while he still seems to care about me. For some reason he has made me the enemy and knowing that, it is only time before he tries to punish me in some way. I know it isn't HIM, but I don't know who I am dealing with these days. So, I need to make sure that I take care of myself. But I won't and can't stop loving him.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#238701 - 07/17/08 08:13 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: Junefriday]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Junefriday
He believes that if we were truly meant to be, our relationship wouldn't require work.


Word for word, exactly what my husband says. EXACTLY.

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#238754 - 07/18/08 10:29 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: LittleMiss]
An Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa
Gals , I don't think my response here may be popular, in fact, I'm going to cut and paste it first to my drive and let it sit a day- i'm that apprehensive about saying it the right way.

when i was in the midst of a relationship with my bf for several years, i felt exactly what you did. The situation was slightly different in that he told me almost immediately - I was going to say our second date but it wasn't a date in the normal sense of the word. Soon after I first in person date (we met online) he did his first disassociation , stopped the relationship that had the most idyllic start. I was puzzled as hell at the time. He recontacted me after two months and said that if I was willing to give him the opportunity he wanted to explain.
with a great deal of confused cautious inside, I did want some understanding and so we met- it was an appointment almost rather than a date. He told me. I learned later from Mike's book the biggest favor I could of given him was to keep the relationship from becoming sexual at that point. It sounds paradoxical and would have been a trick, but in retrospect I totally see why.

ONce sex is brought into it, trust can't be for them. It's what the guys keep saying here using other words, but it's the core issue. It's a "fired together, wired together" exp1) the abuse was the first experience of sex- held all the power of first experience /impression of sex (how many of us don't remember "our first" ?- any first expression of an experience attached to an emotion is a more powerful imprinted experience whether it's negative or experience- if we look at our childhood impressions/experiences, having nothing to do with sex,it'll occure. Furthermore the research has become cleare and clearer with all forms of abuse- it's particular lasting damage is correlated with the time of vulnerability in the developmental process. It usually occurs for these guys at a particularly sensitive /vulnerable point in their development, one of the most known developmental in the field names the stages most of these guys csa occurs have come after the Learning Basic Trust vs Basic Mistrust phase (Hope)- so they'd developed the ability to trust- the very core developmental acheivement the perp takes advantage of- so what happens is they've now learned the most traumatic lesson- THEY CAN'T TRUST THEIR OWN TRUSTING-thus EXACTLY BECAUSE YOU HAVE BECOME A WOMAN THEY CAN TRUST, YOU BECOME A SCREAMING SENSE OF DANGER THE CLOSER THEY GET- look at what happened in everyone of your experiences- Mike Lew explains that the fact that this comes up exactly after having gotten closer naturally (for the survivor) is when it will occur the strongest- thus after the idyllic period of coupling is when disassociation is seemingly necessary for them- it feels like the only way they can survive- when they see this pattern in themselves or experience, they are truly more perplexed and disturbed by it than the partner yet it seems impossible within them to change- as my BF put it once "i'm a man, I should be stronger than these, I should as a man be strong, and nothing makes them feel more powerless at that point than their inability to "do" the relationship that they desperately want and need because they need to trust.
Next comes the stages during as the ones where they are emerging from Trust/ Mistrust development (and now the rug has pulled out of their foundation of learning- Trust vs Mistrust IS the initial primary developmental stage established or not w/ the primary caregiver (later this may also explain the stages in recovery where anger at the unprotective parent/parents comes up - usually mom, sometimes dad depending who the greatest emotional attachment/trust of , as it's often mom, now for you as wife//gf you also get to experience the "transference" of that again.


Back to the next stages and hopefully you'll see the damage these stages would have incurred as a result of the abuse because at this point, that development starts occuring on the negative side-
Stage 2 is Learning Autonomy vs Shame when sexuality and conscience normally develop- have you ever heard of a single male survivor not go through a massive sense of shame & sense that they may have been to blame - during their recovery process as they initially remember more and more, remember usually their perps either overt or insidious messages to them that they are equally responsible for their abuse, a message you hear them in these boards much in the process of attempting to undo and massively supporting one another in relearning that developmental stage. Again on top of it, sexuality and consciousness occur in this stage- again the role of husband/male in GF/BF relationship and society's taught roles about that/ and sexual relationship with you. It's a bomb for them in an emotional and functional sense. The black and white come into it because that's the nature of developmental lessons. Grey isn't developed later, but they're still stuck now in those developmental stages because of what happened. thus the "all or nothing" behaviors you see. when they feel they can't do a all of the relationship "ideallY" they jump into that mode of feeling totally "worthless, don't deserve you who obviously DO seem able to master relationship they're so inept at" so the answer is to run- it's primal as humans for all of to bring ourselves out of states of discomfort and it's resolved one way or another- this strand is the exact example of all the partners needing to do that within themselves- come to some conclusion about the relationship and the guys alternating states of dissassiontion and seeming changing personalities - their way of dealing with their own confusion, further lead to that limbo or unresolution for you - which we as partners are now desperately trying to resolve within ourselves, we want our confusion to come to an end just as they want theirs too, they run because their development hasn't followed the progression of ours where we have learned confidence in acheivement of the positive ends of those same developmental stages.
The next stage for them- Learning Initiative vs Guilt - where they development a sense of self-worth through development of skills- and in sense they feel the skill they've developed cemented in at that point is as a victim- they're doing all they can to survive emotionally and sometimes even in terms of getting the custodial care they need if the perp is in that primary role of provider or even the bestower of privelige- their need to feel able at this point is strong, esp again because of the deficits in the earlier stage, the perps grooming and playing friend as well as perp meets that need, all the moreso when it's not met in the other aspects of their life.
The next normal stage of dev.is Identity vs Role Confusion- wherein we tries integrating many roles (child, sibling, student, athlete,
worker) into a self-image under role model and peer pressure.
For the survivor , that ability to compartmentalize the conflicts in their self concept this point is often the end developed again- the Confusion that continues throughout their development and adulthood - the confusion again both the men and you as partners speak of above.
Last stage before adulthood is Learning Intimacy vs Isolation- you will here again and again on the men's board the resorting to Isolation as an adult, the feelings of Isolation as a child, the sense of Isolation again usually deliberating cultured by the perps grooming - is the stage where we learn to make a commitment to another, whether parent, spouse or partner. They've already learned the lessons of making a commitment of trust betrayed, including a sense of betrayal from their own body which by nature is experiencing physical pleasure of the positive sexual response by the body- thus pleasure literally becomes connected with distrust of it- again kicking into play when their relationships with you is a positive experience.

HOW MUCH MORE CAN THEY BE SETUP TO REACT EXACTLY AS THEY ARE- ALTHOUGH IT SEEMS IRRATIONAL TO THOSE OF US WHO HAD AT LEAST ELEMENTS OF POSITIVE development due to our opportunites through childhood for them.

Thus, what's before them now to heal is literally to go through the relearning of each of these stages- we had roughly 20 yrs to do that - and we had the advantage of not having to first UNLEARN the prior learnings - which were literally wired together in our brains. Think of any habit we've had most of our lives and the difference in the rate of relearning the new behavior relative to just learning something entirely new (e.g. smoking vs. learning a new language).

What's truly amazing is that they are functioning as well as they are. What's amazing is their courage in healing to undergoing stripping themselves of all they new and tolerating the sense of total loss of prior self and fearing if the not who they were, how can they possibly be who they want to be, they haven't a clue how, think of foundations of a house, all learning is normally built upon prior learning, another known fact in all forms of learning theory- as you age you'll experience the seeming phenomen of remembering something like a phone number of a friend (again an emotional response has to be linked to learn something- even if that connection is the emotion of pleasing another, a parent, a teacher, getting social approval from peers and the world at large.

The have to first wipe out all they knew and trusting you is the beginning of that, but uncomfortable, like all learning it comes in increments, therapy is certainly a huge factor in the cognitive parts of this relearning, the men on this board provide the emotional support needed, we do too we feel and wonder why that seems to mean so much less- it's not because of us at partners but because we;re linked to all of the above- beginning to trust us- a HUGE accomplishment on their part and testimony to our trustworthiness (in contrast to their sense of untrustworthiness because of the past- thus they dont'"deserve" us and think they're doing more service to us by leaving so we can get who we deserve in our lives- I see it as a selfless, self sacrificial drive on their part and one in which in their system they're attempting to take responsible for themselves and feel the only thing worse than them having been brought to who they think they are, would be to bring you down there with them. They fear they're gonna be responsible too for your deterioration as they've experienced there's
So... these time of self doubt for them when they're trying to transition and reverse what they learned at each stage, seem absolutely Overwhelming, another thing you'll see in profound ways on their boards. To me their boards are the greatest gift we can be given and the men who try to respond here to are heros in my book. they want us to understand, they're both discovering their own secrets that were within themselves- imagine the fright of discovering the memories within, wondering how much more that is awful is not known within them.

so the relationship is a trigger for all of it. the courage taken to tackle all this and the recognition of that is one of the prime levels of support we can give them, Mike Lew also is clear that the best thing we can do is model self care. And when the relationship becomes abusive- whether verbally and/or literally the physical dangers to us when they are acting out and sometimes having sex with others as they do with others- another intolerable behavior they see themselves doing when they're developing the very ethics and becoming aware of their behaviors and more and more attached to you and sensitive to their own sense of betrayal and guilt. Way to resolve it in their stages of ethical incongruende- do something, anything to stop the sexual relationship with us, distance , leave , try like hell to push you away.

Im gonna go ahead and post this - i'm sorry for the length but their was no other way to explain it. By career up to now has been in Human development and particularly Child Develpment. I'm in the final stages of becoming a T now = my understanding of development is a HUGE gift in that. and is something that if lacking in a T , they too are trying to do it without resources they need, thus sometimes the 'firing" or just stating to the client that they're stuck , not trying hard enough (when they're trying so hard in every cell of their body)

Ok if you're inclined - partners or guys, let me know if any of this makes sense.
oh lastly, when the guys tell you they've so carefully studied others behaviors and often implemented them in their actions- thus their loving behaviors initially with you while feeling like fakes inside- it's their longing to feel "normal", wanting to be that person, and then feeling they've failed because they're trying to do it with only the resources that were so misaligned, so screwed up as a result of the csa at their prime vulnerability stages of development.

ok done!


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#238762 - 07/18/08 11:18 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: An]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Wow, very insightful and quite impressive. Thanks for the glimpses of what I have to look forward to as I take up reading Mike Lew's book again. The first two chapters described my phsychological makeup so precisely that I couldn't go any further. I was in a bit of a state of shock.

For what it's worth, I felt the need to flee very early in my relationship with my partner, and break it off. (btw, I don't think gay relationships need to be treated so differently than straight, the basic emotions are all the same). I'm glad I did it then, even though he was hurt terribly by it. I knew he was a great one, I was literally in the bathroom sick after I watched him leave, and I didn't care how sick I was I just really felt the pain and without resistance.

A few months later I realized that if I wanted to feel any sense of sanity in the relationship I had to tell him what I need to feel that I can go into a relationship, thus disclosing my major issues to him.

1) My father is a schizophrenic which terrifies me, and
2) I was sexually abused by an older male when I was ten for around four years.

I told him, I don't know how I will get past these issues and it is very likely that I will be burdened with them for the rest of my life, "and I need you to understand that".

He agreed that those are major and then he said he can deal with it (I don't know if he knew, he's just a very confident individual). We have been together now for almost 8 years, and I still love him as much as the first year and then some, and I intend to be with him for many more years to come (hopefully for the rest of our lives).

Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#238779 - 07/18/08 12:09 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: cbfull]
An Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa
cba full,
thanks for the feedback. Sometimes on not good about explaining and felt like I really failed on my last posting here few weeks ago for the first time (it wasn't well expressed and when one of the guys took a little offense and rightfully so- I hadn't been careful re: phrasing and their "filters" I know I've to to always be conscious of in communication)

the chapter for friends and families might be a good one to read first- i really think Mike's original study as an anthropologist- another area that studies development in the context of culture- perfect for understanding the guys world and wounds- I think it's why his book is often the first one most of the guys mention- I'm on my third copy! Want one that hasn't fallen apart into pieces from my readings-

I TOTALLY agree re: Gay relationships- part of the reason I interserped parter but since as far as I could tell most in this strand were female partners. I have learned over time what you said and in the past had read of male partners on the board.

another thing you'll see in mike's book is that two survivors today - male or female, as would be anticipated, face that much "extra" in the relating. I'm sure a book could be written on that alone. He just wrote a tiny bit about.

I didn't mention it above but if their first perp was a female nurturer and they were physically sexual with them , whew, in terms of healing from this. It's why I understood my BF having to leave and only being able to handle a nonsexual based relationship - you'll notice probably on the boards the guys in some parts of healing (often years) have to go through a nonsexual period in the healing. Again it makes sense to me- in those first stages of development we ARE non-sexual. Normal sexuality starts developing about mid yound childhood - again noted in the stages.
My BF used to tell me I should write a book cause of what I'm passionate about flows out. He was also baffled about how I could see these things in the past so clerly (cause my own dysfuntional childhood experiences were part of my striving to understand what was very confusing too- I didn't suffer incest, just a one time molestion experience exactly at that childhood sexual development point and the biggest damage was my knowing what the parental reaction would be- as a 40 yr old who was blown away by a retired principal shockingly attempt to molest and my daring to tell my mother - even at this age- her first and onlyresponse was "Were you dressed provactively?"- an extremely bizarre question if you knew how I dressed. And the molestion was by a church deacon and my mother is too this day enmeshed in that church- It was only in my 40s I realized I pretty much stayed away from and had difficult interactions even my professional life with any men who presented in the sort of suit and ties I associated with deacons- it was the only dress I saw them in. I was literally defensive and confrontative- since becoming aware of it, I moderate it, but I still am unlikely too date a man whose first presentation is in a suit or whoever wears a watch! Too much association. Thus my guard was down when the nearly 70 yr old retiree was dressed casually in my home as a water filter installer. truth is i haven't dated one of those sort of men- i'm just trying now with the consciousness to say i'd consider it.

I'm thankful my BF left with what I've come to understand. I know I may or may not ever see him again, as his was a primary female perpetuator and the sa complete pleasure, the distancing when it ended after a year, what he always felt as the painful part until beginning recovery. then it became a mass of confusion understandbly.

He told me he would end up treating me EXACTLY as you all report if we lived together/married. I couldn't understand that at all at the time as he only was the most wonderful when together- he'd just call off the relationship for months, then weeks, then days, when he'd feel that reaction come up as he'd recognized his patterns from the past, and that was his way of honoring/protecting me. of course at that time i just asked the questions all the women ask above, did he love me or not. He said without a doubt yes,just as so many of the guys say about the partners in their lives. )but Yes with the reality that he couldn't really love anyone until he learned to love himself. And he knew Trust was the issue cause he had started recovery, but he said (wisely) that until he could trust he couldn't open himself to feeling my love or his own.

Mike does say over and over again that even if a relationship does withstand the "hurricane" of recovery- a great analogy- and it may be a 30 yr hurricane- the relationship will be a brand new one with the integrated whole of the partner. Makes sense, they started again, they're in a sense new people. My BF once said he wanted to be like a flower, emerging from the underground that was rooted in the CSA below the surface into something beautiful. I love these guys for their sensitivity and beauty within- meanwhile they're feeling anything but.

Mike says once started recovery can't be stopped- rests, breaks are needed cause of it's sheer exhaustion and depletion of self, (another point the guys are likely to feel frustrated with themselves, afraid they'll never heal, etc) but that of course being uncomfortable with their new development, they're uncomfortable until securing the next stage.

I saw for the first time a guy on here saying he'd worked through his DID (diss. identity disorder)- he was responding in a strand from guys currently in the throws and frustration of it. He said he remembered it but it'd pretty much blurred as he integrated through his healing. I had to PM him and ask him how long it took- truth is I was hoping it was some sort of miraculous 3 years instead of 7,8 or 9 (and average often estimated by the professionals dealing w/ this most- he was 69 and his journey was almost 30 yrs!

but it is evident, just in the 4 years I've been reading the boards and Mike cites in too in the book's beginning and on his website, that resources are increasing rapidly for the guys (and he says partners are the only ones that resources are even scarcer for!). and we all see the media making it possible for males to come forward earlier and earlier and while still often only partially understood, it's become more acceptable and supported. Because they're starting earlier, less years to unlearn, feel guilt and "wasted" about and you see them going through the stages quicker, albeit it's an uphill, winding journey where often they can't see the forest for the trees.

I do want to think more on how much the process is same and is different for females . Both because of societal, biological, and things like mentioned above, the greater "permission" to feel, the healing process is different. Not saying easier but different and a little more understood and supported in generally.

ok enough of this flow. Life calls \:\) . All support and recognition for your own healing process, An



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#238812 - 07/18/08 04:40 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: An]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Dear An,

Well said. I have read and tried to educate myself on this subject. My H told me 13 years ago, after 5 years of marriage. He has gone for therapy, and I have been supportive. This time he has been very resistant to going back. We are now in marriage counseling and the first thing he said to the T was,"I was sexually abused by my brother, I went to counseling,and this issue does not have any bearing on why we are here today." THe T told me I should not be bringing it up if it is not affecting the marriage now. I WAS AT THAT POINT THE ONLY PERSON IN THE ROOM WHO THOUGHT IT WAS IMPORTANT. Four sessions later, the T finally saw my point, and told my H," maybe this does need to be looked at more." My H was pissed.

My point is even though I get exactly what you are saying, and I know I am not to blame,(which is why we are still together) Words do hurt. It gets harder and harder to not take offense to what is being said and done. I told him recently that I was done with it. I said I could support him through anything,but not at the expense of me. I always forgave him because I knew it wasn't really me, this time it needed to stop. His response was that he doesn't know why I think everything revolves around his abuse,and he thought that I was really strong and could handle anything thrown my way.

I made the mistake of putting his needs before my own on this because he was hurt and in pain, all beccause I "understood" it wasn't me. I won't do that again. I want more than anything for my marriage to work,but I won't settle. We are both humans. we both have feelings,wants and needs,and we both deserve to have them validated.

Lastly,my spouse is not happy with me being here or that I do educate myself on the subject. He says this site is filling my head with nonsense, not everything is about the abuse. My response was, "so are you saying that your just naturally a self centered ass?" He didn't like that. I can't continue to be supportive of him when he can't or won't help himself.

Thank you for all your insight, it was informative and very true, it just gets hard. NYDAISY


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#238859 - 07/18/08 10:20 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: NY Daisy]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Yes Daisy, it is hard. The hardest thing that any of us are asked to do and the funny thing is, no one is even asking, but we take it upon ourselves anyway because we love the men we love. We couldn't stop that any more than we could stop breathing. We see our guy hurting or raging or withdrawing or pushing and we KNOW why and it's so hard not to get lost in the pain.

The only thing we can do is to take stock in ourselves. To lead by example and hope and pray that the man will let the boy peak out and see that there is another way to live life. It's such a simple idea, but one that is oh so hard to accomplish for both partners.

Ann, your post is anything but unpopular. It's very factual which makes it very sad. My b/f was abused by both of his parents, his mother-unit took the lead and many times told the father-unit what to do. No "punishment" was to extreme. The father-unit sometimes tried "prove" he was the man of the house if the mother wasn't around. No matter how you twist it, my b/f was in harms way. He suffers emotionally and physically to this day. When I think of the mountain of crap my b/f has to overcome to be a healthy adult man it blows my mind. So I don't think of the mountain; I can't and I know that. Both his T and I try to take his mind away from the mountain too. It's entirely too overwhelming to wrap a rational head around.

I'm very grateful that he is in therapy; he's working so hard and putting himself through the ringer trying to make sense out of something that makes no sense at all. He says he wants to "be right," his words, not mine. It'll take G_d knows how long and I don't care how long it takes as long as he's reaching for it.

In the meanwhile, I'll love him and support him and I'll come here.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#238927 - 07/19/08 11:24 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: Trish4850]
An Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa
Thanks for the feedback Trish. I guess cause i'm becoming a T and also because it gave me more understanding that "it wasn't me", it's the opposite of sad for me- I think cause I see it as giving me tools I need to take a survivor through as a T. and I see elements of T's doing just that, and the guys truly responding, in their boards. I love your mother-unit, father-unit terminology- that's new to me.

I remember my friend telling me that at the mike lew workshop one of the exercises in the group was to write the first name of your perp on a blackboard- it was to help see them as the responsible adult party, and not as the relationship so many are, brother,parent etc. I could see how that could be powerful reframing when they're dealing with it, at adult to adult level now just by that "naming"- (no last names as the intent was not to be identifying to others). I'm not even sure if anywhere during the weekend they talked about relationship of perp.

love your rock on to, always makes me think RECOVER ON...
ps thanks for all your work here...



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#238934 - 07/19/08 11:54 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: An]
An Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa
Dear NY Daisy,

I identify w/ alot of what you said from when i was in relationship for those years w/ him. and I was always wishing mike's book didn't just address for partners, when things were Physically abusive cause that's an easy one anyway to know it's time to leave. I remember wishing Mike had addressed more how F&F should handle the emotional abuse (in the end i realized he had- see below) . mine didn't use the abusive words, but when i say he just went away at those times those feelings came up- as he put it always "the darkness taking his sould to be hidden in a paranoid silence of self imposed sanctuary full of fear and mistrust" (that blew me away) he explained it was a time when he knew his mind was telling him untrue things about me, - he just stayed away so I wouldn't have to hear them and be victim of them too- I respect the choice now tremendously.

I see now he needed to leave to heal. I see it so clearly and feel good about it and know it was the kindest thing I could do for him as well. Yes i'm open to him ever coming back should that be right for both of us at the time, but i remember Mike's biggest guiding words as to the ONLY thing we could do for them which was - to model good self care. it does mean lvacuated. No power (which included water) for 5 days. He was racked with guilt but not there. Called him when hit head on and not knowing what to do alone on the side of the road. no response. the more i needed him, the more he couldn't be there.

But when he was able to be there, no man could be kinder, etc.eaving sometimes or letting them leave without protest etc. and now I don't see it as something to be sad about-cause it's recovery.

I truly have always cared more if he recovers than if we're together . there's no comparison in my mind to what's more important. I don't pray for us getting back together, I feel what's meant to be will be there, in both our lives. But I do always pray for his recovery. Hope and Healing~


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#239586 - 07/22/08 07:20 PM . [Re: An]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
.


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 05:12 PM)

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#239620 - 07/22/08 10:42 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: bardo213]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
lynchmob, it's not sometimes, it's always. I think it's pretty much the first rule of thumb for a successful relationship, dare I say a successful life. A person has to be able to see the value in themselves - to enjoy their own company. To do otherwise, ties one's worth as a person to another human being which is something that can never work out, not in the long run anyway.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#240107 - 07/25/08 02:39 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: An]
bgd Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/29/08
Posts: 17
Loc: Melbourne, Australia
I am not sure why you say that your response may not be popular.
You seem to have done a great job in describing and analysing what happened and the resulting outcomes.
Don't forget, I (we) often feel the need to "recreate" the circumstances in order to forensically analyse and solve the "thing". So this is really helpful in that you have put words to some of my confusion and given me some insight into myself.
I have to print this off and take a while to read it. Actually I think I will do that slowly, because there is too much to take in at once.
I hope the females involved in this episode (LittleMiss for example) can get something out of this. If only they could make their partners read what you have written, just maybe the penny might drop. Some positive construction out of all this destruction really would be nice.
I don't think I have made any sense but I really appreciate your input, because positive input from a female maybe will help to undo that feeling that I wasn't protected by people that should have protected me.


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#451051 - 10/23/13 06:39 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: LittleMiss]
gettingstronger Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 145
Loc: Virginia
Survivor spouses/gfs,

Totally normal stuff going on here. Trust me, I know. Lots of times there's a desire to run off. "I can't provide for my family." "I'll always be a loser." "I'm not sure if I'm gay and I married her for the wrong reasons." "She wants sex and I don't since my feelings toward it got mangled by my perp." As you've discovered, this is the bag we guys get left holding.

If your spouse/bf has had bad therapist experiences, get another one. I had one tell me "I don't want to know what happened in the fourth grade." Believe it or not. (That's when I got molested, by the way.) I knew that wasn't going to be a good fit at all and found one who is just awesome. The good ones are out there too.

All I can suggest is that you try and build him up as best you can. Picture those thoughts (above) running through his mind 24/7 (they do!) and help him come to see what bullshit they are. Good luck to all of you and as one with an awesome, supportive wife, thanks. You're in a tough situation. Hang in there.

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