Newest Members
Barracuda312, Just Hanging, mossTI, E35, 1975
12339 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
GeneF48 (66), kun wang (32)
Who's Online
2 registered (2 invisible), 19 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12339 Members
74 Forums
63435 Topics
443442 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 4 of 6 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 >
Topic Options
#237065 - 07/09/08 06:11 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: 1islandboy]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
bgd, thanks for your post and like NY daisy, I welcome any male insight. I'm sorry I've rattled on and on. I just needed to vent and I have no one to talk to about this. Maybe I have been too personal and I'm sorry if I've offended anyone. I agree with you, I think emotions are scary to my husband too. Its so hard, because I can understand why/how he is, but I can't do anything to stop it. His childhood was ruined, and I don't want to see him ruin his adulthood too. It hurts me for him.

1islandboy - maybe to him, this is a trial seperation, maybe that's what he meant by 'we don't know how this will turn out'. All I know is one of us would have to file for divorce and it WON'T be me.

Thank you June for all your support. I really hope for you that you can hang on as well. You be strong and I'll be strong and please know that I am thinking of you often and including you and your husband in my prayers (I hope 'prayers' doesn't offend).

If/when we do seperate, I just don't know what to tell the 'world' and PEOPLE ask. I would never illude to the real reason behind it all - he trusted me and other than here behind false names, I cannot discuss that. I love him and I don't want anyone to think bad of him (as in 'my husband doesn't love me anymore, so he left). If we did seperate, I would always ALWAYS take him back. So I don't want any family members holding grudges, but I don't want to take the blame either.

You know - I read alot of the posts and notice the locations - and we are ALL over the world. I noticed on one post someone using some 'regional slang' I recognized, so he is probably no more that 50 miles away from me. It just blows my mind, all of us experiencing the same things.

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

Top
#237190 - 07/10/08 04:37 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: 1islandboy]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
I went through a stage like that with my Husband. If I said You are hurting me he'd be mad at how I said it, so I started saying I feel this and I feel that...then he said gosh woman it's all about you....This went on till I finally broke down and said I can't say anything right and I'm trying so hard to not upset you....

Therapy has been a good thing is all I can say. Since we started things have come out and I've been able to see what's going on in that head of his. It was amazing to learn that simply little things I said were not being processed by him how I had intended. I highlighted a statement in one of his books, something along the line of all children have the right to be loved and protected, that right is absolute.....he flipped out. I can't remember exactly what he thought I was trying to tell him but I remember thinking evil kenevil couldn't have made that leap. I thought I was doing something sweet by validating he should have been loved and protected and he took it as some sort of attack. I've really learned to explain well what I'm meaning. Sucks that it has to be this way for now, but it's been getting better thankfully. I wish I could do more for you girls who's husbands are pushing you away so hard. I've been there. Not sure why mine has decided to work on us but I'm thankful he has.

Hugs to you! Good luck and let me know if you need to talk, I'm a phone call away.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

Top
#238045 - 07/14/08 06:57 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: NY Daisy]
bgd Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/29/08
Posts: 17
Loc: Melbourne, Australia
I don't think I was trying to be brave, and I certainly wasn't trying to delve into female emotions.
I was really trying to give an insight into what I feel or think, so I guess that means that it didn't come across too clearly?
Also, I meant to make the distinction between self-centred and selfish - at least in my mind and also for my own benefit. Everyone has to be self-centred or selfish at some point in order to care for oneself (not practised all that well by me) but the actions following don't have to be selfish. That is, they don't have to exclude others.
So perhaps someone saying "what about my feelings" are feeling a little excluded from the whole process. Whether or not that feeling is justified is entirely another matter, but it may just be what they are feeling for whatever reason.
It may be showing that they are not connecting. I know sometimes it takes a hell of a lot of convincing for me to be positive about belonging in the world.
Anyway, hope I have made sense


Top
#238452 - 07/16/08 03:52 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: LittleMiss]
bgd Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/29/08
Posts: 17
Loc: Melbourne, Australia
I am so sorry it is going this way. Even though it sounds definate, I hope things can change as quickly as they changed for the worse.
I have had the same doubting thoughts as your husband many times, and it is still a mystery to me why exactly it happens.
There is so much self-doubt and a need to find credibility and justification of actions I have taken in the past.
Perhaps it has been so difficult to have confidence in my actions because I also was doing what I thought was expected of me. In the absence of the ability to act instinctively, you copy and try to fit in. The feeling of having pretended certainly comes in here, and also the feeling that I must have been lying ot myself. I have most definately doubted the connection, both from my wife and myself.
Also, being in an emotional void during the period that should be producing the most emotion (courting period and wedding) does not give the purpose or validity to life that is so needed.
I remember my wedding day was the most frightening day of my life, and I cannot stand to see my wedding video - I absolutely hate the sight of myself on it.
In fact I was so nervous waiting in the church before my wife arrived, that the priest asked me if I wanted to go ahead with it still - he said it wasn't too late to pull out if I didn't want to be there.
So I know I certainly can't attach any trust or credibility to that state of mind.
One thing I did start doing a few years ago was to start trusting my instincts. This seemed to bring me in to the present, and gave closure to each little decision I was making.
There is also the regular feeling that because I feel so dependant on others for emotion, there is the urge to think - I will show you all, I will survive on my own and I will be able to dictate to others the terms of my life.
By the way, I don't think you are rattling on at all. I hope things improve for you.


Top
#238514 - 07/16/08 12:42 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: 1islandboy]
riviera Offline
Member

Registered: 06/01/05
Posts: 59
Loc: Spain
Originally Posted By: 1islandboy
I didn't hear anything about a trial separation in this conversation, where hopefully he can find the courage to confront his demons.


island,

this comment really got me. My boyf and I after 8 years together, 4 since he started his recovery, are separating for a while. We have lived together for 7 yrs. And all for the reason you mentioned. He found the courage to confront his demons, discover his "real" self, get to his emotions... He (we) want us back,empowered, happy and free from the past, from old and now pointless self-defence mechanisms. He and me want to keep fighting for us...

I just wish that after all what is about to happen we can finally get back together, holding hands with a gorgeous smile in our faces.

Good luck to you all
H



Edited by riviera (07/16/08 12:46 PM)

Top
#238546 - 07/16/08 05:57 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: bgd]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: bgd
There is so much self-doubt and a need to find credibility and justification of actions I have taken in the past.
Perhaps it has been so difficult to have confidence in my actions because I also was doing what I thought was expected of me. In the absence of the ability to act instinctively, you copy and try to fit in. The feeling of having pretended certainly comes in here, and also the feeling that I must have been lying ot myself. I have most definately doubted the connection, both from my wife and myself.


Thanks for that bgd. That is exactly what my husband says. He feels like he has only been doing "the right thing" and what is expected of him. He says "how do we KNOW we belong together? how do we KNOW we're not pretending with each other? how do I KNOW you are 'the one'?" Like I said earlier about him running into an old school mate - because for a minute he thought about what his life would have been like with her - because he thought that fleeting thought, he is now eaten up with guilt - just as if he had cheated on me - because if I am TRULY the one, he would not have had that thought. Since he did, it means that I'm not 'the one'. Is that "all or nothing thinking" that we all talk about? He said that it has made him re-evaluate everything.

I can't make him change his mind. But at the same time he says things like "we don't know how this will turn out".

I told people. Everyone is shocked. 'We are the perfect couple. Everyone wished they were like us. How can this be?' My husband says "Boy - we sure had them fooled" He thinks I love him because he always tried to be the perfect husband. I told him - JUST BE WHO YOU ARE - good and bad, I love you. If you are mad, be mad. If you are sad, be sad. But he can't.

I'm moving out soon. He doesn't even want our dog. People say - why would you take him back!? But I would. I always will. No one understands and I can't explain. He is just SO LOST. He says that this is the first time he is doing what he wants to do, and I am being selfish by wanting him to stay. He gets mad if I say this is hurting me - because he says I am saying that to hurt him. I am at a loss of words. I am overwhelmed by everything that is happening. He won't let me help him or love him. I don't have my best friend to talk to about all this.



Edited by LittleMiss (07/16/08 05:59 PM)
_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

Top
#238617 - 07/17/08 02:25 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: LittleMiss]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Little Miss,

I have not been posting for a while, but I wanted to let you know I echo your devastation and disbelief. I am so sorry this is happening to you. It is truly a nightmare.

My H and I have been married 16 yrs this Sept and have a beautiful little child. We have had great times together and been blessed in so many ways. Still, he is not happy. He did recently admit that "it's not you, it's me." But still he tells me he just cannot "get close to" me and doesn't know why. He jokes about us breaking up even though he knows it upsets me. He is very unemotional. He never used to be this way at all.

And one of the worst things about it all is living in front of other people and trying to appear normal. I mean, how many people can just go back to work and do whatever, talk to people, friends, etc., socialize, when they've just been broadsided unexpectedly with heartbreaking news from their H? It is insane. And then we can't even tell others the truth, why everything is so weird, b/c of H's privacy. So we have to pretend or come up w/ other things to say. And it's really hard w/ our good friends, b/c they know us and care about us, and we have to lie even to them about the truth.

I've cried my eyes out so much these past 2 yrs. This whole thing is an ongoing nightmare - will someone please wake me up and tell me it was just a bad dream?

I can't believe he is actually leaving. Is he really making the move to file for divorce? I've heard of survivors making their spouses so miserable that the spouse finally files, but rarely it seems does the survivor, even if he says it might be the best thing, to divorce.

It's so unfair to all of us.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

Top
#238633 - 07/17/08 08:17 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: Brokenhearted]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Brokenhearted
And one of the worst things about it all is living in front of other people and trying to appear normal. I mean, how many people can just go back to work and do whatever, talk to people, friends, etc., socialize, when they've just been broadsided unexpectedly with heartbreaking news from their H? It is insane. And then we can't even tell others the truth, why everything is so weird, b/c of H's privacy. So we have to pretend or come up w/ other things to say. And it's really hard w/ our good friends, b/c they know us and care about us, and we have to lie even to them about the truth.

I've cried my eyes out so much these past 2 yrs. This whole thing is an ongoing nightmare - will someone please wake me up and tell me it was just a bad dream?
It's so unfair to all of us.


Exactly, exactly, exactly. I just say "he's re-evaluated his life and decided he doesn't want to be married anymore". What a crock of crap - and I'm sure they know it. But what do I say!?!

I'm moving out as soon as the townhouse is recarpeted. Since there is now an 'end date', he has calmed down considerabley. He still says 'divorce', but has made no move to file and says that we have a lot to 'get in order' before we do anything. I keep thinking he is going to change his mind. We still have dinner together. We still hug. We still sleep together. It is insane.

But of course, family and friends say - why would you take him back?? That's pathetic. You leave, you leave for good. It is OVER. They don't understand - and I can't tell them. I care about him more than I ever knew someone could care about a person. I look at him and I SEE him. I just can't give up on him. We're married and I knew about all of this within the first year. I knew, and I signed up for this anyway. Its 7 years later. Just because right now, he is not holding up his end of our deal, doesn't mean I'm going to drop my end too. Does that make sense?

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

Top
#238634 - 07/17/08 08:58 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: LittleMiss]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Wow, your stories are so compelling. They really exemplify how the damage reaches out like tendrils and find other people to infect with it's confusion and pain.

There is one thing in your situations that stands out for me, and it's this whole obsession with the idea of finding, "The One". I used to obsess and agonize over that myself, but I finally got to a place where I realized that I was wasting my time with that whole idea. It's as though everything in our lives reminds of how our choices in life are "infected" and sort of "contaminated" with this event that we wish had never happened (the abuse). We are plagued with the question that can never be answered, "What choices would I have made if the abuse had never occurred?" It's all so unbelievably overwhelming that it causes us to completely shutdown. It's like discovering that your computer has a virus and there's nothing to remove it. You just keep rebooting and hoping that one day it will just be gone.

Unfortunately I cannot tell you how to help your partners/spouses to get past all this preoccupation with "the one". However I can tell you that they are not looking for an end by taking these extreme measures, but they are looking for a beginning of themselves. They just want to feel confidence and a sense of self. Everyone needs that.

Sorry if this is not helpful, I just wanted to share from a male perspective.

Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

Top
#238636 - 07/17/08 09:26 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: cbfull]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
LittleMiss, once again I am struck by how similar our stories are. Your husband's words of "not wanting to be married anymore" are exactly what my H has said. Of course it seems odd that we only JUST got married. He has said that he thought I was different and the person he married is not what he expected. I asked what he expected and he admitted that maybe he is looking for perfection which he realizes doesn't exist. He believes that if we were truly meant to be, our relationship wouldn't require work. Like you and your H, we still have dinner together, we do things together...in fact to everyone else, we are very much married and happy. It isn't that we are faking it, it is that when we do things together, we get along well. Something is going on in his head that is giving him insecurities. When I think about friends who have gone through divorce, their marriages were horrible. They couldn't be in the same room together, etc. We aren't like that. He is just numb and feels nothing toward me and our relationship. But he isn't ready to admit that so as a result, our marriage is ending because IT isn't working. I am helpless to change his mind but it is very similar to what Craig said above about finding "The One".

Oddly enough, I was speaking to a family friend the other day who said that my H appears to be searching for happiness...in me, in the crazy purchases that he makes without even needing the things he buys, in traveling, etc. The friend said that he's seen it a number of times with people that he's counselled. Unfortunately happiness can only be found within, but it is likely that my H is too afraid to look there because there is nothing inside him. In a way, maybe they are doing us a favour.

As for what your family is saying about getting a lawyer, etc. Do it. You need to take care of you. That doesn't mean that you stop loving him. It doesn't mean that you stop trying to help him. But, you need to make sure that your needs don't get pushed aside too much, and that includes your security. My H's deterioration is happening quickly. I am trying to get some things settled while he still seems to care about me. For some reason he has made me the enemy and knowing that, it is only time before he tries to punish me in some way. I know it isn't HIM, but I don't know who I am dealing with these days. So, I need to make sure that I take care of myself. But I won't and can't stop loving him.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

Top
Page 4 of 6 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.