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#236187 - 07/05/08 09:17 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: dangal]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
LittleMiss,

my H knows I come to this site. He is really mad about it. He told me that I am mentally & emotionally abusing him by coming here.(his exact words) He told me that I have no business being here, and it is filling my head with nonsense. I told him that I am a grown woman and he has no right to tell me what I can and cannot do. Needless to say he was not happy, and he does not come here.

Warmly, NYDAISY


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#236197 - 07/05/08 10:01 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: NY Daisy]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Dangal,I think we ALL have a long list of people who want to give our partners' heads a shake!! \:\)

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#236834 - 07/08/08 06:35 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: Junefriday]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Junefriday
but it has also left me with the inevitable sick feeling that I am powerless to save what is most important in my life, simply because he can't see the connection. It breaks my heart to see him walk away from me, knowing how much I adore him, remembering all those wonderful times, and thinking about the many dreams we had for our life together.


That's me. My husband told me last night that he definately wants a divorce. He said that he thinks he has been faking for a long time, pretending to be the perfect husband and saying what he thought I wanted to hear, when in reality he feels nothing. He wishes he could be sad that it is over, but he just feels nothing.

He ran into an old schoolmate the other day who made the comment 'why didn't you and I ever get together?'. He said that he thought to himself 'hmmm, I wonder what life would have been like if I had been with her instead?' So, he said, because he had that fleeting thought - it obviously meant that I am not "the one" for him, because if I was, he never would have thought that. He said that he doesn't want to be with her though, he wants to be alone to wallow in his misery because that is what he deserves.

He says he feels like a bad person, a black soul and that I will be better off without him. He said that I could hate him if I wanted to - that would be best. Everything said with no emotion at all. He won't even look at me, he turns his head away. I am not the type that yells and screams or says mean things. I'm just crying my eyes out. When I tried to bring up that maybe some of how he feels "bad" may stem from other issues - he said that he wished he had never told me because now I am throwing it back up at him. (I've done alot of reading on my own, but never never have I brought it up to him/thrown it in his face, tried to make him talk about it, anything. Only to show support and let him know if he ever did want/need to talk, he could.)

I wish I had found this site years ago, instead of now in this time of crisis. I read some of you all talking about the needy-clinging ways your husbands/boyfriends are. My husband was that way too. We were each other's world. If someone had predicted this a month ago, I would have laughed at how completely ridiculous it was. How completely impossible. But then one day, he came home a different man. I had lost him.

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#236842 - 07/08/08 07:54 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: LittleMiss]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
LittleMiss, our stories are so similar! I feel the same way - when I think back to 6 months ago, we were trying to determine if we should start working on a family before a trip that was planned with my family or after. Now he is out of the house, we correspond by notes, email and text mail, and we are heading toward a divorce.

I don't know that to tell you except that you can't change him. All you can do is continue to be yourself. Keep loving him (because really, as much as you might want to, hating him isn't an option), tell him how much he means to you, but also tell him that if he truly wants out, he needs to do it for himself. I am sure what he told you about the other woman was just to provoke you...maybe some perverse way of making you hate him so it would be easier on him and on you...I don't know. Just don't let it get to you if possible.

Take it one day at a time.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#236931 - 07/09/08 08:10 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: Junefriday]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
June, thank you. We are rapidly heading towards me moving out. I do not want to AT ALL- but he is pushing pushing pushing. I'm supposed to be looking at adds. I DO think that he wants me to hate him - he even said 'you can hate me if you want to, I'd understand' in a weird dreamy voice. Last night he said he wanted me out by Saturday - he thinks 'it would be best' for me. Me?!? Then this morning, he was sad and pouty and kept asking if I was mad at him about last night. No. He said that I should take my time finding a place, he wanted me & our dog to have a nice little house and he would help us. Then he would live in our house (and pay for everything) until we sell it - then he would go 'live under a bridge'.

I'm still here. I keep thinking I can ride this out. I don't hate him. I could NEVER hate him. I love him ridiculously. I HATE what happened to him. I HATE that he feels lost and bad and nothing. I HATE that he seeks to distroy what makes him happy. I HATE when his eyes glaze over and he goes away. I HATE that he thinks when he's happy he is only pretending. I think sometimes, he really is happy and that scares him most of all.

This morning he was hugging me goodbye and said 'you don't know how this is going to turn out, it might be ok for us' kinda making it sound like we might stay/get back together.

I'm a basket case - and I have to go to work and 'pretend' to be normal. (that's how he feels, huh?) My co-workers are freaking out because I'm being 'quiet'. Wait til the nervous breakdown. If they only knew what was going on. They all idolize my husband. They all tell me that they wish their's were more like mine.

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#236934 - 07/09/08 08:41 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: LittleMiss]
bgd Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/29/08
Posts: 17
Loc: Melbourne, Australia
To LittleMiss and JuneFriday
I feel like I am butting in here - your discussions are so detailed. Crikey, my head is spinning.
I hate to say this, but from my point of view I think we can use our wifes as a bit of an emotional punching bag, and also as a way out of facing demons that may be lurking just below the surface. But don't tell my wife that.
I find the emotions from my wife (sorry, women in general) very threatening - I don't know if this has got anything to do with it. A female emotion seems to be so much more detailed and in touch with oneself, yet you can't fix our problems. To me a female emotion comes across as self-centred, so I am pretty wary and mistrusting of them.
I guess that is putting too much on our partners, and when it goes there now I know it is not right. Trouble is, when I recognise I am going there I can do something about it.
I really hope your partners see the light and realise they are lucky (it sounds that way anyway).
It also scares me a bit to recognize bits of me amongst all this.
You might not believe this, but none of this is meant as a criticism. Maybe, just maybe, there is some insight there that you otherwise aren't aware of.
I hope you all get the support you need, and your partners accept your support.


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#236942 - 07/09/08 10:22 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: bgd]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
bgd, thanks for sharing your perspective. In general, I think women are more introspective and tend to be more articulate about our feelings and emotions. That doesn't mean that all women like to talk about how they feel, but when we do, what we say tends to be more thought out and definitely more detailed. I know it is very common for men to get frustrated listening to women talk about how they feel and often wish we would just get to the point. The trouble is that there isn't just ONE point for us so it takes us a while to clearly say what we want to say. I don't think that is a survivor/partner difference but rather a male/female difference. Where the survivor/partner aspect makes it a little stickier is exactly what you said, "I find the emotions from my wife (sorry, women in general) very threatening". The way partners describe their emotions, it is clear that we are really in touch with what we feel and spend a great deal of time thinking about it. For a survivor, you don't want to think about how you feel because feelings are scary, or they are disregarded or you have been told to "get over it" or "suck it up". It is no surprise that many survivors escape to emotional numbness.

As for "female emotion comes across as self-centred", I found that interesting. I wonder if it because most women have either heard or read that when talking about something that upsets us, we should steer clear of being accusatory. So rather than saying "YOU never X" or "YOU are always Y", we are taught to say "When you X, it makes me feel like...". All the self-help books on communication and relating seem to suggest that you take the focus away from the other person and put it into terms about how it makes you feel, so that you aren't necessarily putting the blame on them but rather showing how actions/words, etc. affect you.

Very intereting...

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#236944 - 07/09/08 10:31 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: Junefriday]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
LittleMiss, I wish I could tell you how to make things better and how to lessen the pain that you are feeling, but I can't. I don't have any answers for you at all. All I can tell you is that you are stronger than you think and that you will get through it. Feel free to send me a PM if you want to discuss our situations a bit more.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#237046 - 07/09/08 04:37 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: Junefriday]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
bgd, you are a brave, brave man. Attempting to delve into women's emotions. When I have something to say, I hate to beat around the bush. I will present my case, and have many facts to back up my point.( I was quite the debator, in school.My poor husband.) If I am talking to my H, and I try to explain how I am feeling, I will state my facts to make my point, when he counters, a simple question of when or where? will send him into immediate emotional lockdown.

I agree that emotions are self- centered. how could they not be? They are how you are feeling. Example, I tell my H what is bothering me, I want him to listen and validate. He does not have to agree with me, just acknowledge. Selfish, yes. His response 8 out of 10 times,"What about my feelings, what about me?" Isn't that self-centered? We all want to be heard and validated, it is human nature.

I will stop now. I did not take any offense to you writing. I welcome any input you men have to offer, it's how I learn to deal with this,and it offers me a little insight into how my H might be feeling,since he is closed up about it.

So anything you men may have offer, I say bring it on,NYDAISY



Edited by NY Daisy (07/09/08 04:39 PM)

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#237060 - 07/09/08 05:15 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: NY Daisy]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 856
Loc: washington
I feel your pain, and I hope this helps,

One thing I learned in a psych class, is women are touchy-feely and men are rock breakers.

Back on the plaground, I was over with the boys breaking rocks, and I know which rocks break better than others.

the natural course from then on is we, as men, are playing catch up with are emotions.

I didn't hear anything about a trial separation in this conversation, where hopefully he can find the courage to confront his demons.

courage is not the absence of fear, courage is having fear and doing/facing it anyway.

Wish I had more to offer,

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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