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#235544 - 07/03/08 06:18 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: Junefriday]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
June, it sounds like you and I are in the exact same boat. What you just said sums up how I feel perfectly. My husband doesn't seem to blame me for things around the house - but we can't have a simple conversation about things either. I do alot around the house. But I can't ever say "hey, would you wash the dishes?" Because to him(and I know this from lots of experience), I'm saying "hey - you suck, you don't do anything around here" and I'm a mean person. So after we figured this out, I said, well then - how am I supposed to ask you to do things? Simple answer - I can't. And I can't get into any type of disagreement with him because he is the master at turning my words around to make me sound terrible.

I don't know. Maybe if we could move again, everything would be ok again for a while. But this time, we just can't. I would if I could, I always have before. But also I can't even fathom getting a divorce. When he walked in and said he felt our relationship had run its course and maybe he didn't feel anything for me anymore, that maybe we aren't "the great love"- it would be like if the Pope made an announcement that there is no God. It was just that shocking/unexpected and I believed in us that much.







Edited by LittleMiss (07/05/08 11:02 AM)
_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#236001 - 07/05/08 11:25 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: LittleMiss]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
*update*

Just wanted to say that Thursday night he felt that our entire relationship had been a sham. That we were only together because he felt sorry for me and that we got married because he felt pressured. Now he feels nothing and I can't change how he feels.

So yesterday, we got out the photo albums and looked. We look happy here, I said, and on and on. Yes, he agreed. For my birthday a couple of months ago, he got me a peice of jewlry to 'symbolize' our love and a sappy card. Did you mean that then, I asked. Did you feel that way then, or were you pretending? Be honest, we have nothing to loose now. No, he said, of course I felt it then.

Well, I pointed out, if you felt happy at times in the past and you felt love for me a couple of months ago - that has obviously changed in to the nothingness that you feel now. You say that you feel nothing and that how you feel can't be changed. But how you once felt changed. So how do you KNOW that the nothingness won't change too?

He pointed at his head and said "welcome to my world".

One good thing - at the end of the day I asked if he could at least agree to be "undecided" about leaving. He said that he had been "undecided" all week, that's why he hadn't left. (He seemed pretty set on leaving last weekend, but I didn't bring that up.)

Ya'know - I worry about posting on this site. He knows I read this site, I've tried to get him to, but as far as I know, he won't. I don't talk about this stuff with anyone, but he might be upset if he knew I posted. I need someone to talk to, but you know how secretive/private survivors are. I guess I shouldn't post anymore unless he says its ok - but I know he never would. What is everyone else's stand on this. Does you husband/boyfriend know you post?

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#236075 - 07/05/08 03:14 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: Junefriday]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
It's intersting reading all these posts. My husband also has to find blame in everything. It can never just be that crap happens....the milk goes bad, "you need to start putting that away"....not that it's just expired.....I mean everything, everyday is like that. It has me a defensive mess at times. Other times I just feel furious with him. It's like the universe is tilted against him. Of course it's raining, it's my day off....it's quite self centered, yet he does not see it at all.

He has taken steps towards healing but he stops short of feeling the feelings he needs to feel to move forward. I can tell when he's shut me out, his eyes actually change color. He fogs over and I know that nothing I'm about to say will get through the mask he now has on. It's a depressing hard way to live. I've never truly had this man. He lets me in only as far as he can and rest I just have to hope will become with time. I've been with him for 18 years and he's only just started to work on these things.

He wrote a letter to his mom, who ignored him. Our therapist asked me to call her and see if she got the letter, she said she did and that it was his fault for wanting to go with the abuser and that since he never told it was his own fault, she has nothing to do with it....

There is peace knowing I am not alone in this insanity world I live in.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#236084 - 07/05/08 03:38 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: dangal]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: dangal

I can tell when he's shut me out, his eyes actually change color. He fogs over and I know that nothing I'm about to say will get through the mask he now has on.



I know exactly what you mean, even the eye color thing - I've never said that before because I thought I was crazy. It's like -one minute there he is man-I-love, then boom! he shuts the door and is gone. Completely gone. But he's still the man-I-love, and no matter what, always will be.

I just wish he'd keep it open just a crack.

dangal, You are not alone in the insanity.




Edited by LittleMiss (07/05/08 03:40 PM)
_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

Top
#236085 - 07/05/08 03:43 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: dangal]
ChristineTrying Offline


Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 36
Hi Everyone, I am new here. After reading all your posts, I can so relate. My bf of several years only recently told me about his abuse and it has hit me like a brick. I suspected a very long time ago that something happened because he is so emotionally distant and if I react to something with tears, he can't comfort me at all. Everything that happens only happens to him. As dangal said, he's quite self-centered. I try to be understanding and patient but how long do I go on? He has never said he wants to run away ...but what if I do? He has fought these demons all his life and they're not likely to go away anytime soon even with me in his life. How awful a person must I be to even think of leaving this man who has so many personal issues that it is just painful to watch him sit. He has no sense of how his actions and words affect me or anyone around us. I get so tired of having to explain away his unfeeling attitude, uncaring ways toward me. Then he gives me a card that says "I love you". Is it truly selfish of me to want to have a normal life with someone who wasn't abused, who wasn't manipulated, who can actually 'be with me' and not shut down every time the battery goes dead in the remote control?

Am I just venting? I just so can relate with all of you. My family doesn't, can't understand. Neither I nor any of my siblings, parents, or friends ever suffered abuse from anyone and so it's not something I can talk about with them.

I'm scared yes to be on my own but truthfully, lately, living with him scares me even more. Most days and nights I can't imagine living with him forever.


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#236094 - 07/05/08 04:11 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: ChristineTrying]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Little miss....That was the first time I've ever said the eye color thing either, for the same reason, but after 18 years, I KNOW I'm not crazy. I see the change. I know when it's a lost cause. It's exactly like you said one minute I've got him and the next it's a door slammed and his eyes always tell me. When the eyes go I know he's going to be rude, mean and as hurful as he possible can to get me to go away, or get me to stop talking to him.

Christine,
Wow, lot's of emotion here. There are moments that I think I can't live another moment in this. Thankfully now that I know what's going on with him those moments are not nearly as often as they were for me.

He never told me about the abuse because he thought he would lose me, now as you I think how could I ever leave? What kind of a woman would do that now?

As long as I see progress and hope I'm staying.

Only you will know what to do. We all deserve to be with someone who lifts us up and makes us feel great, who is supportive and caring. If you think he's capable of doing those things then stick with it. If he's willing to work on things, go to thearpy and such those are all pluses.

I love my husband but I won't stay if he won't do the work with me it takes to keep us moving forward. Thank goodness for our 3 kids he's made the choice to be in therapy and he tries. Trying is all you can ask for. These men have been hurt, broken and beat down. Perfection can't be expected.

I'm glad we have each other, as said above, no one else "gets" this.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#236124 - 07/05/08 05:58 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: dangal]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Wow, it is really, really frightening to read some of these posts and without looking at the name, have absolutely no idea which ones I wrote!! It is reassuring too though, to know that I am not alone.

LittleMiss, what you described in your earlier post about your H feeling nothing - that is exactly what my H has said to me. I don't understand how you can love someone for 2 years, live with them, talk to her parents and your parents re. permission to marry, buy a house together and then WHAMMO, feel NOTHING...it just doesn't make sense. That is when I started desperately looking for reasons to explain it. At first I believed everything that he said regarding the marriage breakdown being because I was too X or I wasn't enough Y. His family tried to get me to stop accepting the blame and during that process, I got tidbits from them that something had happened to him as a child. So, I confronted him and he told me. With absolutely no emotion. Since then I have been reading non-stop to learn what this all means, to try to make sense of it, etc. Unfortunately it has left me very well-educated, very confident in myself and that I don't deserve to be blamed for everything, but it has also left me with the inevitable sick feeling that I am powerless to save what is most important in my life, simply because he can't see the connection. It breaks my heart to see him walk away from me, knowing how much I adore him, remembering all those wonderful times, and thinking about the many dreams we had for our life together.

Christine, you mentioned that your BF is self-centered and can't comfort your when you are upset. My H is exactly the same. I thought it was just typical of the men in his family as they don't like talking about emotions. But, I was seeing a therapist to help me deal with our marriage falling apart. After the very first session where I described some of the stuff that had happened (without at the time knowing about the CSA), she said my H sounded narcissistic. I read up on it and yes, that very much sounded like him. At my next session, I asked her how a person BECOMES narcissistic. She said often the mind goes to the extreme to protect itself as a result of some sort of trauma, to the point where it does not acknowledge that anyone else actually exists outside of their realm. When I learned about my H's experience, I told her. She said it all made sense and that his narcissism was one of the coping strategies he developed at a young age and it has progressed as he has gotten older. That coupled with the need to escape, projection of his own insecurities on me, projection of blame on me and emotional numbness has really made him a difficult person to be with. Yet in his mind, IT IS ALL ME.

What is most frustrating through all of this is that I still love him. I don't understand why. I am independent, financially stable, successful, etc. I don't need him. But, I want him. He added something wonderful to my life and I cannot imagine life without him.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#236139 - 07/05/08 06:55 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: Junefriday]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
June,

He's a lucky man that you love him, don't need him, but still want him \:\) He adds whatever he adds that keeps you invested.
I have me one of those as well. I'm glad I've stuck it through.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#236154 - 07/05/08 07:19 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: dangal]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Dangal, did he LET you stick it through? My H isn't letting me so it is getting more and more difficult and I am running out of time (divorce is looming).

But yes, I do agree that he is a lucky man. Much luckier than he will ever know. I've told him that I am the best thing that has happened to him (I know it sounds terribly arrogant but I wanted him to know how confident I was in my feelings for him and in us being a good match). He thought I was joking.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#236166 - 07/05/08 07:38 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: Junefriday]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Ohh I'm sorry. Yes he's letting me. He's a willing party in this relationship. I should have backed up and read more, sorry. There are so many of us that the stories blur at times. Have him call me, I'll straighten him out hehe...I wish I could. We are in therapy working, trodding through....

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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