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#235319 - 07/02/08 06:48 PM Help, my husband wants to runaway
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
Hi. I'm kinda new here. I've been reading, but this is my first post. I really need some help. My husband is a survivor. We have been married for 4 years,lived together for 3 years prior to that. He is a classic overachiever. Super kind, has a strong belief in Karma. Keeps his guard up at all times.

He disclosed to me during our first year together. He had never told anyone else. He had bad therapy experiences, but at the time, he didn't remember the abuse -he didn't remember until the family memember pasted away. He has never elaborated with me and believes that therapy would be of no help "because a therapist cannot undo the past".

So, we have lived our lives. We have a wonderful relationship. We are best friends (I think it probably goes without saying that he does not have other "close" friends). We always say that "we were destiny" and all that corny stuff. We are one of those couples that make others "sick". He doesn't like to be away from me.

Now - all that said, of course we have "issues". We have intimacy issues, and emotional issues, and there are triggers that I have to watch out for - though, I have no idea what I'm triggering. But we work.

So the reason I'm here today is because last week my husband came home and said that he felt dead inside. He had no feelings at all. He had been thinking and really felt like our relationship had run its course. Maybe/probably we should get divorced. Maybe/probably we should have never gotten married in the first place, that I wanted a family (I don't) and he didn't, we really have nothing in common. He just wants to be alone now and forever. He is no good for anyone.

Then, for three days, he acted like nothing happened. I offered to go away for the holiday weekend to give him space - he said "but you said you wouldn't leave me". Now, last night, he says - by the way, I still think we should go our seperate ways.

This is TOTALLY out of the blue. I asked if there was someone else, he said no-but he thought it would be easier it there were, then there would be a 'reason'. We had a bad year financially. He was going to buy a business & it didn't work out because the seller was dishonest. Now he is in a sales job that keeps him away 13 hours a day. I think he feels bad about the situation & being "on" all day at work and away from me so much has brought alot a bad/inadequate feelings to the surface.

I've read alot of survivor literature since he told me and he is very "text book" I guess you'd say, but he won't address those issues, so I don't push. But now he's pusing me away.

Has anyone else's husband told them "I don't think I love you anymore" totally out of the blue?? Will he really leave?? Or will he cycle back down again?? Please someone talk to me. I have no one. No one knows about this. I'm sorry for the long post, I could just go on and on.

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#235338 - 07/02/08 08:11 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: LittleMiss]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
I wanted to add one more thing. After I read this, I felt it didn't sound quite right. See- my husband & I are 'pretenders'. My dad was bipolar. My husband was abused. We 'act' super nice and happy with people, but that's how we keep people out. We 'pretend' everything is great. He said he saw through me the moment we met. That we were kindred spirits. But now he says "how do we know we are not pretending with each other? how do we know what we feel is really what we feel" Then in the next breath, he says he feels nothing.

Please someone tell me I'm not crazy.

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#235342 - 07/02/08 08:27 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: LittleMiss]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Oh LittleMiss, I am so sorry that you are going through this. This time last month, my first post was very similar to yours in terms of all of his feelings/lack of feelings coming out of the blue.

I don't think you are crazy. Not at all. From everything that I read too, it sounds as though your husband is going through the classic experience. I guess the big question is why now? Is there anything big that has changed recently? You mentioned that it was a bad year financially and that his business ideas fell through. Perhaps that pushed a potentially low self-esteem over the edge. It is possible that he suddenly felt that he couldn't provide for the family, which in his mind could easily translate to him being good for nothing and therefore unworthy of your love.

My husband told me the same thing. Whenever I would ask why his feelings changed, he came up with a slew of reasons; I wasn't a good driver, I didn't have an all-consuming hobby, etc. It was really clear that he was just reaching. The people on this board were very helpful in getting me to understand that this was just his way of making him feel better - he was incapable of being in a trusting and intimate relationship but couldn't accept responsibility for it...so he put the blame on me. I think he got to the point where he believed all of the negative things that he was saying about me. When I repeated them to our friends and families, they couldn't believe it because it was all the complete opposite of who I really am. His mind had consumed him and I had become the enemy.

I wish I could tell you the story ended well. It hasn't ended completely but I did share my thoughts with him regarding the connection and suggested that he get some help to help him sort through his emotions. He does not believe that there is a connection and feels that I am grasping at straws to keep our marriage together. What I have learned from the people on this site is that I can't change him and I can't be the one to help him. He is the only person that has control over that. I do believe that he will hit rock bottom at some point and that only then will he get the help he needs. Until then though, I need to think about me and what I want out of life. Of course I still have hope that things will work out. I am planning for the worst but hoping for the best, if that makes any sense.

In your case though, it sounds as though your husband might be willing to seek help. Have you talked to him about it? What if you were to ask him to join you for counseling to talk about YOUR pretending tendencies?

Hang in there. I don't think this is just a phase, but I do believe that you might be able to work through it together. He seems open to talking to you about things, and that is a huge start. Is marriage counseling a possiblity? Would he be open to visiting this site?

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#235346 - 07/02/08 08:52 PM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: Junefriday]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hi LittleMiss and welcome to MS. I don't have anything more to add to what June has already said, I could of course, but it would just be re-phrasing.

I will tell you though that when your husband says he doesn't feel anything, I'm quite certain he isn't talking only about you. My b/f too doesn't feel. He very effectively blocked out his ability to feel when he was a kid in order to protect himself. Now, he fakes it very well. He says and does the right things because he very carefully studied what those things were; he's the perfect mimic. It's only in the last couple of years and most especially the last few weeks that he's realized that he WANTS to feel rather than faking it all the time. That realization though and the effort involved is messing with his head in a big way.

Your husband sounds like he is the same way. But here's the rub, he knows it, you didn't. It may very well be that he's tired of deceiving you. Here's the next rub, you know good things about him and see good things in him that he doesn't believe exist. So you're both running around with fun house mirrors that are absolutely no fun at all.

ROCK ON............Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#235407 - 07/03/08 04:09 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: Trish4850]
riviera Offline
Member

Registered: 06/01/05
Posts: 59
Loc: Spain
Hi LittleMiss,

I can tell you that my boyf, soon after his recovery started, used to have those urges of running away, escaping from his reality. It was so hard for him to face his emotions/reactions, everything he was going through... that he used to find some sort of consolation in that thought, however it never became an act.


I have been supporting him in any possible way, reassuring one time after another my unconditional love to him. So I jus told him the truth about what he was escaping from ... (literally)

" I will be happy to see you leaving if that means that you are going to find yourself and allow yourself to be happy. I will happy to sacrifice having you if that means that you will gain yourself. But don't forget ...no matter where you go, no matter where you hide, no matter who you are with or alone, this will go with you. So you won't find real happiness until you find yourself truly. You can keep escaping from people or places but you can`t escape from yourself"


It really helped him to open his eyes and do sth about it. He still thanks me for that. He really understood what was happening.. and realized how much I loved him and how much he loved me. He could not but try everything to find the strentgh to face his fears, emotions, depressions, nightmares, emotional and physical withdrawal, detachment, disassociations, etc...


I can tell you that those urges stopped.

Now we are at a different stage of his recovery but that is another story.

Good luck,

H



Edited by riviera (07/03/08 04:22 AM)

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#235417 - 07/03/08 07:27 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: LittleMiss]
bgd Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/29/08
Posts: 17
Loc: Melbourne, Australia
To Trish,LittleMiss and Riviera,

I am probably one of those husbands / boyfriends that you describe here, and I think my wife would be very interested in reading your de>

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#235424 - 07/03/08 08:10 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: bgd]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
Thank you guys so much. I just appreciate it so much that someone else cares enough to share their experiences with me. June, I have thought about counseling - for me and then asking if he'd go with me. But he has such an adversion to therapy after his bad experience. He says "no one can make this go away and no one can change how I feel. They can try to say the sky is green all day long, but I know its blue." I agree with Trish-he says he feels nothing at all-for anyone or anything, not just me, but apparently me included. Running with funhouse mirrors is exactly perfectly how I feel.

He never is mean and blames me for things. BUT - he wants to sooo bad. I can see it in him. He says 'leaving me would be like being in highschool and breaking up with the perfect girlfriend'. But I can tell that he LOOKS at me all the time, waiting for me to "prove" I don't love him. One of his biggest breakdowns ever was when I was too tired to make cookies one night (we were out of the refrigerator dough kind). For him, it proved that "he wasn't even worth making cookies for".

Also, June asked if anything had changed recently. Well - I mentioned his business plans falling through. Also, he seems to have convinced himself that I want a family NOW. That is totally untrue - I like kids, but if we don't have any, thats ok. I've never pushed, only asked him what he wanted and explained that I am ok either way. Also, we have moved ALOT in the 7 years we've been together. I think it keeps his mind occupied. We've been in one spot for almost 2 years now and with the 'bad year financially' and housing market, we just can't move again. He said he feels trapped. Also, since he works such long hours and I can't contact him at work - I sent him an email that I missed him and I knew he didn't like his job and maybe he should find something else, that we were spending too much time apart - apparently to him it said "you are worthless and make me unhappy".

He did do something similar to this in our first year together. He 'freaked out' and said he could't handle the committment. He asked me to move out. That's the night he told me what happened to him. He was abused by his favorite Grandmother. The only person in his family who ever paid attention to him or loved him. The rest of his family is very 'distant'. I did something similar to what riviera said - I told him that I loved him the same whether I was with him or not, and that he was the same person fighting the same battles whether he was alone or not. Per his request, I moved out. I was gone a week. Then he begged me to come back. 6 months later we were engaged. A year and a half after that, married. We knew what we were getting into. But he/we said that we believed in marriage and did not take it lightly. We would always try to work things out. Now he says that we wouldn't have needed to say those things if they were actually true. That the act of saying them just means that we were trying to convince ourselves. How do I argue with that?

Thank you bgd for offering the "other side" opinion. Read what we wives have written and know that your wife too just wants to love you. Its just so hard for you guys to let us.

(I have to go to work - check back later. This has helped me through another morning.)

LittleMiss

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#235428 - 07/03/08 08:29 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: LittleMiss]
bgd Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/29/08
Posts: 17
Loc: Melbourne, Australia

"Its just so hard for you guys to let us"

It is so hard to believe. It is so hard to believe that anyone has a reason to love me.
So I too look for proof, forever alert.


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#235431 - 07/03/08 09:24 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: bgd]
jaa Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/17/07
Posts: 69
Loc: Rhode Island
Little Miss, Your husband is right when he says,"no one can make this go away and no one can change how I feel. They can try to say the sky is green all day long, but I know its blue."

Only he can work on recovery, a therapist is just a tool to help. Many of us have to go through multiple therapists to find the right one. "IT" never goes away...we just learn about it and reprogram ourselves to live better.

_________________________
John

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#235452 - 07/03/08 10:49 AM Re: Help, my husband wants to runaway [Re: jaa]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
LittleMiss, my husband would also run away but in the sense of taking trips to escape reality. I know he has a travel bug which I support, but he has used the word "escape" far too often now for it to be ignored.

He would also seek out things to prove that I was not worthy. Any little thing around the house that didn't work was somehow my fault. He wouldn't openly blame me for it, but the blame would be apparent if we talked about why he got so upset over little things. He is now convinced that we made a mistake in buying the house and wants to sell it.

I thought my husband also believed in marriage - he said he did. But at the first sign of trouble he bailed. He didn't even take the time to question why/how his feelings for me were changing. Clearly he became emotionally numb, as perhaps your husband is becoming. The problem is that they don't know what that means and are resistent to educating themselves. It is very hearbreaking to know that we love them for who they are but that they don't believe us. And then they turn it around and say that they are doing it for US...because we deserve more. Yes, maybe we do deserve more in the sense that we are not their abusers and we didn't ask for this. But neither did they. If only they could open the door just a crack...

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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