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#235265 - 07/02/08 12:48 PM .
bardo213 Offline
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Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
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Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 04:56 PM)

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#235266 - 07/02/08 12:57 PM Re: ? [Re: bardo213]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
wow what a great realization! what a great conclusion to have reached! a lot of our stumbling block issues as survivors are related to the systemic environment that bred us.

realizing this is the start of new beginning where you can take the reins out of the hands of others and ultimately take responsibility for your future. ewww, scary thought! as you said, we don't have much practice doing that, but you can do it with a lot of supportive conference here. that's a blessing.

i can't give you any advice, just affirm that what you are perceiving is incredibly 'right on' and that you should continue to follow your instincts as they reveal the next chapter.

how exciting to be in the position where you can begin to take a bit of control of your life, and live by your own compass.

good luck as you continue to separate 'you' from 'them' and please know that we are ALWAYS here for you when you need.

peace, ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#235285 - 07/02/08 02:19 PM . [Re: Sans Logos]
bardo213 Offline
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Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
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Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 04:56 PM)

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#235402 - 07/03/08 03:04 AM Re: ? [Re: bardo213]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1960
Lynch,

I read your first post, and my first thought was that it really hit home for me. In the past I have had thoughts on boundaries and also the notion of letting others define who I am. Your second post seemed more personal to your experience, but the first very much defined my early life after about age 11. It really helps to see someone put it down like that. I haven't had much time to be on the site lately, but I am actually headed back to your neck of the woods (twin cities area and also northwestern WI) to visit family and I noticed I was getting triggered by all sorts of things and thought I should catch up on some posts to see if it helped settle things down at all. Also, I think you were the one who responded to a rant (without purpose) I posted couple months back. It really made me think, and I decided at that point to avoid (purposeless) rants as best I can, so thanks. Anyway, I think working on boundary issues is good, and your insight into this is real positive.

Eric


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#235403 - 07/03/08 03:10 AM Re: ? [Re: bardo213]
frost Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?
Lynch,

Every so often we look back and examine several circumstances in our lives and just come to this realization or moment where we just understand the depth of what is lost and what was taken from us during sexual & emotional abuse in childhood.

Something I have often mused about is that CSA seems to do at least one of two things to our boundaries:

1/ obliteration of healthy boundaries
2/ hypercreation of intensely strong boundaries

From the sounds of it, you have both of these symptoms and perhaps its getting difficult to figure out which is which.

That book you are reading is probably providing you with a whole new perspective on boundaries and I'm glad its given you that realization. Sounds like you already recognize where you need to go with this: Healthier "self preservation" boundaries between you and your parents. Meanwhile re-evaluating boundaries with "healthy" people in your life.

Sorting out who is toxic to us and who is not is an important first step and by your words I am reading here it looks like you're already doing that -- so keep on that track.

One thing to mention prior to submitting this message is that -- in a perfect utopia world, we are supposed to learn about boundaries naturally. It is a parents' responsibility to raise their offspring in a manner that they will be able to leave the nest in time, spread their wings and fly (so to speak). All too often, however, we end up with an alcoholic father, neglectful mother, and we miss out on these important lessons and building blocks of life. The good news is these things can be learned later on in life it just takes more effort than the natural progression we are meant to follow in childhood.

Best of luck on this next chapter of your journey. Sounds like you've really good a clear idea of what's next for you.
~Brian

_________________________
Boom!

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#235461 - 07/03/08 11:29 AM Re: ? [Re: frost]
jaa Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/17/07
Posts: 69
Loc: Rhode Island
So many boundaries were crossed during our abuse, it's no wonder we have a hard time knowing good boundaries from bad boundaries. I agree that your realization that you have a problem setting boundaries is a huge step forward. It's the first step towards learning...and it's never too late to learn.

_________________________
John

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#235505 - 07/03/08 03:24 PM ,. [Re: jaa]
bardo213 Offline
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Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
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Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 04:56 PM)

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#235513 - 07/03/08 03:42 PM Re: ? [Re: bardo213]
frost Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?
Originally Posted By: lynchmob212001
How do we go about practicing these I mean intellectually we can read all about it, but emotionally its what causes our fears and most of all change because our boundaries were invaded and when we tend to put these boundaries up the only way we know how is to fight and be aggressive and not communicate properly.


First of all we need to recognize boundaries for boundaries. Whether they are poor or strong or just right, we need to recognize their existence first and foremost.

Secondly we need to analyze these boundaries and evaluate whether or not they are too weak, too strong, or right where you would prefer them -- and by you I mean, you and also 'little you' -- listen to your heart.

Thirdly its optional but if we have a close friend or seven to bounce the boundaries off -- and if we have the time to conduct a thorough inquest into the who/what/when/where/why of these boundaries. This will give you a great deal of insight but may not be available in day-to-day situations.

Fourth its time to put our decision into action. Make the new boundary known somehow if needs be, and essentially 'try it on for size'. This is mostly the experimental stage... For example, telling yourself that your mom's shit is your mom's shit and NOT yours.

Finally, Once you find a healthy boundary (like the one I exampled above) it's time to reaffirm this boundary and as you do, you will start to notice all the ways in which your old boundary (or lack thereof) didn't work out for you.

So to summarize:
Recognize
Analyze
Discuss
Action
Reaffirm

Kewl! That spells out RADAR... I could like write a book or develop a thesis on this shit.

Like you say, it'll take practice and eventually you'll get the hang of it. Your bike analogy hits the spot. Eventually you'll lose those training wheels and be able to do tricks.

I know you've got it in you,
~Bri

_________________________
Boom!

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#235520 - 07/03/08 04:00 PM . [Re: frost]
bardo213 Offline
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Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
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Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 04:57 PM)

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