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#235020 - 07/01/08 06:42 PM What the hell is wrong with me?
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
I'm really sorry about yet another "I'm depressed post" ----- in fact that's sort of the reason i'm writing this now.

I went to see my new T today for the first session, and it really went better than I expected, she's even worked with male victims before, ----- though not male victims of female abusers, I then came in and literally fell streight to sleep, ---- much as I had during my abuse. But now, i'm bloody down! what the hell is wrong with me?

I'm trying to fix this, I've got a hopefully good T, I'm taking medication which is sort of working, ---- I do at least have more energy, then why do I feel so bloody awful now?

I'm going to see Prince Caspian tomorrow and go out to a really nice Spanish Restaurant with a friend, I've actually started to get work done again, ---- -heck, even my roleplaying skills are better, so why do I feel so bloody awful? why do I keep having these moments?

you'd think after going through all this recovery rubbish sinse november i should start feeling better by now? Why am I stil experiencing cyclic depression? why can't I bloody well just be fixed? hell, the abuse was ten years ago, ---- shouldn't I even be getting over it by now?

what's wrong with me? Why am I so useless that all i ever do is come here and mone and get depressed at everyone, ---- when afterall people went through much worse than I did?

I just feel like I'm a burden to everyone around me, and yet I can't help it sinse these fits just happen.

I'm really sorry about yet another post, and really sorry about behaving this way again and making people read this drivel. I know this will pass, tomorrow I'll be fine, ---- for a few days, a week, then this will happen again.

What's wrong with me? God I hate myself for doing this to myself!


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#235021 - 07/01/08 06:44 PM Re: What the hell is wrong with me? [Re: dark empathy]
Nyjah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/14/07
Posts: 610
We all have our down days/weeks/months and sometimes even years. I've seen the Prince Caspian movie, it's really good and hopefully will lift your spirits. \:\)

We're always here and willing to listen to whatever it is you need to get off your chest.

...I hope this has helped?


Peace,


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#235054 - 07/01/08 07:53 PM Re: What the hell is wrong with me? [Re: Nyjah]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Medications can take some time to kick in - plus, sometimes the levels need to be tweaked over time.

Man, I hope you get some better feelings going around - step into chat if you want some company.

Best,

Dawg

_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#235063 - 07/01/08 08:31 PM Re: What the hell is wrong with me? [Re: hogan_dawg]
Tinman Offline


Registered: 05/30/08
Posts: 359
Loc: Lake Forest, CA
Dark empathy, I can hear you. It didn't happen overnight, the fallout from what you went through. And it won't heal overnight. There will be a lot of rough patches. I know, as I still have them even with 2+ years of therapy.

But if you keep working at it, I PROMISE you it will get better.

And if my friends had given up on me because of all my down times, I wouldn't be here. But they understood and so do I.

Take care, my brother.

_________________________
Tinman
"I finally have my heart!"

To the perps: Don't worry about me coming after you. But you damn well better watch out for God! "Vengeance is mine", saith the Lord

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#235080 - 07/01/08 09:37 PM Re: What the hell is wrong with me? [Re: dark empathy]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Now, this isn't a joke or trying to change the subject.

But, if you have DID (dissociative identity disorder) you might have "switched" to a different alter and been unaware of it later. This is a symptom of DID: Losing time, or becoming aware later of having done something inexplicable.

Puffer


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#235216 - 07/02/08 06:44 AM Re: What the hell is wrong with me? [Re: pufferfish]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Thanks People. It really helps to come on here and just lay everything out, and I really hate to be in those sorts of patches.

the one thing I have noticed the medication doing is it does make the duration a bit shorter, which helps.

I'm only just at the two week mark with the medication, so I think my body's only just setling in with it, I'll see what happens after another month, ---- though I'm certainly not above going back to see my Gp for tweeking if necessary.

Puffer, ---- I'm very certain I don't have an identity disorder, and if I did my dad as a retired psychiatric nurse would know about it pretty quickly. I've never lost time or done anything inexplicable, I just get sudden patches of really down feelings for no readily apparent reason, ---- but I'm very much stil me.


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#235220 - 07/02/08 07:28 AM Re: What the hell is wrong with me? [Re: dark empathy]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
hi dark, so sorry to hear you are suffering so badly. all i can do i guess is hope and pray you find your way through it as soon as possible.

i did want to mention two things about your post that stood out for me.

1st you don't have to apologize to us for sharing your inner state as if you were somehow a bother. that's why we are here for each other. we are not the family or the group of coworkers or the world in general who don't want 'be bothered' with your current difficulty. i want to honor your feelings, not give the impression that somehow you 'should' be beyond them by now.

other thing regarding your question 'what the hell's wrong with me?' just stop and think about that for a sec and let that question echo around inside for a bit. brother, you were robbed! you had something taken away, stolen, that was only your right to give, and you can never get that back, and that is incredibly grief-making crap! i think of tv and news shows that i have seen where people are lamenting being held up, or having their homes invaded, and that alone stirs up feelings of resonance for their plight. their possessions were invaded. that has got to hurt. the possessions were only an extension of who they are. what was taken from you was your essence, so it stands to reason that no matter where you are in your point of recovery, you will miss what was taken. it stands to reason that you would feel the way you do. i guess i rely on reason a lot, but that's what i think.

the other thing:

Quote:
what's wrong with me? Why am I so useless that all i ever do is come here and mone and get depressed at everyone, ---- when afterall people went through much worse than I did?


what other people went through in no way diminishes the impact of what you went through. and the ramifications for and debilitating consequences of your abuse are no less demoralizing. this kind of horror does not have shades of grey. the gouge of SA causes the same wound, no matter what the weapon of trauma.

now that you are committed to your recovery it makes perfect sense that all the feelings and emotions that you spent so much energy repressing and suppressing over the last 10 years will come to the fore, since you have opened the door to allow them to come forward.....well here they are in all their 7 headed glory.

so please be gentle with yourself, and if you can stop letting those unnecessary tapes continue to revictimize you.

repeat after me:

dark empathy is worthy of compassion
dark empathy's pain is no less real than anyone's
dark empathy has a great support family who loves him in good times and in bad
dark empathy deserves to receive healing

keep allowing it to come out as it arises, and please don't worry so much about sharing the rough spots as you trying to find balance between the positive and negative aspects of your recovery.

all the best,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#235263 - 07/02/08 12:39 PM Re: What the hell is wrong with me? [Re: Sans Logos]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Dark,
hang here there what you are feeling is ok. As you work with your t you will have periods of depression and highs. and as you work throught your abuse the pecks and valleys will moderate over time. It may seem overwhelming at first, just hang in ther it will get better. keep reaching out when you need help and you will be helping others without knowing it.
We each have our own story try not to compare.
One of the things i have been taught in recovery is to look for the similiars in our stories and experences and not the differences.
mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#235287 - 07/02/08 02:30 PM . [Re: michael banks]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
.


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 04:57 PM)

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#235305 - 07/02/08 04:35 PM Re: What the hell is wrong with me? [Re: bardo213]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Hi people and thanks, it always helps when i get these sorts of responses.

It just feels sometimes that sinse i opened the recovery box in november all that's happened is I've had these occasional fits of depression, which have actually stopped me working and caused me to change my Phd to part time. I really hate myself for doing this, for not recovering from this, for becoming such a bloody wreck!

At the same time though, i can't really repeat those things Ron, ---- but what you say about something being taken from me is exactly how I feel. One of the most hurtful thoughts i have is that the closest anyone has ever wished to get to me in my life was while insulting and abusing me, is that all I'm worth? I do feel really robbed by that.

I set out in november to change things about myself which I thought were perminant, like my feeling of worthlessness, ---- and sometimes I feel really frustrated how litle they change whatever I do.

then again, a friend of mine the other night made me cry by saying that I wasn't wrecked, that despite everything I was very much the same person she met and became close to six years ago when we started our degrees together, ---- and my family say that I'm better now than I was. perhaps it's just something else I can't see.


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