*Triggers*

To me, I be like Hamlet in the play. When 23, I began having flashbacks and like Hamlet didn't know if the ghost was true or not, I too didn't know if my flashbacks were true or not. I did much work in transformation seminars, and in time after getting clear about having been sexually abused by my older brother when I was 12, and also by a girl when I was 3, I remembered I was sexually abused by my Dad when I was 2.

I confronted my Dad by phone. He denied my memory and said I was crazy. I was so stressed by this, and yes I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I also got schizophrenia, mildly, and so for a long time I denied all about my Dad's abuse.

I've returned to transformational seminars, and have once again come out of denial. I've forgiven my brother on the phone, and just saying that moved me so far in life. That was after many many letters and phone calls. It took time and work. But I'm still not having closure with my Dad.

Of course, I got closure with the girl. My family helped me with her name but I can't find her. I wrote her a letter though and drew a picture of her. I expressed all my anger with her picture. Note: I don't mean to support doing only self-help. Like I said, I've been in transformational seminars, a lot, and loving every moment of it. If seminars work for you, or therapy, do something besides just relying on just yourself. This is my advice.

My Dad's abuse was the worst. I was the youngest then, he did the most vile, cruel things to me, and he is after all, my Dad. He made me suck on him, and he sucked on me. He put his finger in my anus, and made me suck it. He smeared my feces on my face, and it got in my mouth. As did his semen. He used religious language as he did this.

Also, later I had attempted to go down on my Mom. I was only 2 and I wanted to make sure my Mom knew I loved her. I didn't know any better at all. I was taught so wrongly about how to express love. Thankfully, she held me away. I don't know if she was naked or in the shower naked or with clothes on. But, my Dad beat me with his belt or a stick to punish me.

I'm now 38 and my life is fairly extraordinary. I'm just full of rage sometimes. I mostly get so angry about the denial and suppression of communication in my family. I just want to talk about everything and forgive. No can do in my family. Except for writing letters. I've got to make sure I include every single big and little thing I need to say to create closure and completion of the past in my letters.

I've not been so good at holding down jobs and my Dad visits me once a week when he's in town to do lunch. He gives me money. I don't make it mean much, except that he owes it to me, but this is an insult to my dignity. Thankfully, I've got an interview tomorrow with a community center for becoming the director of a Youth Poetry Club.

I'm still in denial with my feelings. I don't deny what happened though. But I pretend to love my Dad. I pretend everything's okay. I read on a good website that maybe I'm in the middle stage of my recovery and I shouldn't focus on forgiveness right now. I've got an awesome coach or two and we'll work this out for me.

Another reason I say I'm like Hamlet is because I have so much rage, and I pretend everything's okay while at the same time trying to get at the conscious of my family members, and I've thought long and hard about how much I wish my Dad would die and I've fantasized about doing it myself. Don't worry, I'm committed to nonviolence. I believe in the nonviolent teachings of Jesus and Gandhi and Martin Luther King. I'm just not committed to compliance. He's not worth it for me to go to prison for life or to lose my life, either. I'm no good at keeping secrets anymore anyway. I'm also a peaceful kind of man, and I want to keep it that way. That's one reason I'm so committed to getting complete with my Dad.







Edited by walkingsouth (07/01/08 08:22 PM)