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#236545 - 07/07/08 02:49 PM Re: in a relationship when is it time to disclose? [Re: 1islandboy]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Hmmm, when to disclose. That's a tough one,with probably no right or wrong answer. Only you Chris, can answer that for yourself.

However, here's my opinion. If you were to ask this question to my H, he is definitely more with Robbie Brown on this, that disclosing was a mistake. Being the spouse, I would have liked to have known before we were married. We were married 5 years before he told. It hurt that he felt he couldn't trust me with it, but it explained alot of his behavior, and I STAYED BECAUSE HE DID TELL ME. Like alot of the other spouses here, I was the scapegoat for everything that was wrong in the world, so I had one foot out the door by the time he told.

I think you will know if and when disclosing is the right thing to do. If you are in a special relationship with someone, and she is the right person, telling her WILL NOT change her feelings for you, at all. I think alot of you forget that even though this was a horrible thing that was done to you, it also helped shape who you are now,and she loves who you are.

Lastly, you are here and you are working on your recovery, so when you are ready to share this with someone special,hopefully you will be far enough along to let her in completely, let your guard down, show your vulnerability and trust her love for you. That's all I want from my H.

Warmly, NYDAISY


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#236675 - 07/07/08 10:51 PM Re: in a relationship when is it time to disclose? [Re: Still]
theatrekid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 702
Loc: oregon
Originally Posted By: Robbie Brown
I hope you studied all of this material above. There will be an essay and multiple-choice exam tonight.


Originally Posted By: Liv2124
Cute, Rob
Wanna freak the kid out?


Chris,
Just say what you need to say...

Liv


Actually i test really well. I learned that i could get by in school if i just did well on the tests, its not a way to get fantastic grades but enough to pass. I don't think i did a single assignment in my econ class, just the tests. i got a C but the teacher and i were both Bob Dylan fans so he bumped it up to a B \:\)


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#236679 - 07/07/08 10:57 PM Re: in a relationship when is it time to disclose? [Re: theatrekid]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6453
Loc: Right Behind You!
Originally Posted By: theatrekid
i got a C but the teacher and i were both Bob Dylan fans so he bumped it up to a B \:\)


Hey....you'll find even MORE hippie-type teachers in college. Yer gonna rock!

Just never forget the line that kills: "Do you know who I am?"

_________________________
Keep the others in your life happy - Comply Comply Comply

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#236898 - 07/08/08 11:49 PM Re: in a relationship when is it time to disclose? [Re: theatrekid]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
Chris,
Always been a great test taker myself. Knowing this about you, I'd say you have the same internal compass I have, that will direct you correctly with regard to emotional issues. (However, actual DIRECTIONS, I need mapquest, because I have NO external sense of direction. I'd need mapquest to find my way out of a paper bag!) EVERY gift, comes at a cost.
Liv


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#236923 - 07/09/08 05:40 AM Re: in a relationship when is it time to disclose? [Re: Liv2124]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
I yearn for the day when disclosure will not be so painful and traumatic - that is, csa will never cease being a horrific event(s) - but I look forward to when society can accept and deal with it in a more respectful and honest manner.

I recall some years ago when people were diagnosed with cancer it was SO scandalous! some people even thought it was contagious - can you imagine? people would be fired from their jobs, ostracized from their friends, was unbelievable.

back to the OP - I certainly wish I'd known about my bf for 2 main reasons - one, I shared so much of my past w/him and felt betrayed he didn't share about himself and two - if I'd known ahead of time I'd never have confronted him the way I did when I realized that was what was going on with him. It would have made a big difference, I think.

so if she's going to be a significant part of your life, yes, you need to tell. doesn't necessarily mean marriage, but just closer than a casual acquaintance.

good luck whatever you do let us know how it goes.

Indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#237191 - 07/10/08 04:47 AM Re: in a relationship when is it time to disclose? [Re: indygal]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
I felt the same way when I had found out. Hurt he had not trusted me. I had been abused as a child, phyically, emotionally, mentally, terrible stuff, I have many scars both inside and out. I told my husband everything and I am not embarrassed about it, if anyone asks I would tell them. I know physical child abuse is certainly looked at differently by people, however, as his wife, his lover, his everything I would have hoped he could have been able to, especially knowing my past and that if anyone could understand a wee bit about being tramatized, broken and brusied it would be someone like me.

There are things that are similar with the 2 situations. Scared to tell people the truth, hiding all the time, pretending life is wonderful, living in terror....and when I did tell, I was not helped and I was left there and it got worse.

Maybe it's why I took it so well as Rob has pointed out. I get it to some degree. I love him no matter what. I just wish I had known sooner, our marriage would have had less pain if I had.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#237287 - 07/10/08 04:52 PM Re: in a relationship when is it time to disclose? [Re: dangal]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
I was talking to someone yesterday regarding the impact my H's CSA has been having on our marriage. We started having problems in January and I learned about the CSA in June. During that time, my H took every opportunity to put the blame of EVERYTHING on me. The person I was talking to asked what I thought the problem was in the 5-6 months before I learned about the CSA. My response was that I thought the problem was ME.

For those months, I blamed myself for everything. I walked on egg-shells around him paranoid about making the smallest of mistakes. I rushed around like crazy to make sure that everything was always perfect (ie. the food he liked in the fridge, the bed not being tucked in at the bottom, the curtains drawn if it was expected to be a warm day, etc.). He was not violent nor was he particularly mean but yet I lived in fear of disappointing him. Even when I didn't make mistakes, nothing I did made him happy.

It was a huge relief when I found out about the CSA. It was only then that I learned that it wasn't MY fault. He is in denial, but I am not.

I can only imagine how hard it must be to disclose. But, if you care about her, at least try to find a way.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#237799 - 07/13/08 01:30 AM Re: in a relationship when is it time to disclose? [Re: Junefriday]
heismyworld Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/31/07
Posts: 25
I've read and believe disclosure has to come when you are ready. As a wife of a survivor, I also believe it is important to disclose early.

My wish would be when a couple gets the feeling of wanting to be together/be engaged/marry and starts to share their past, disclosure could be a part of the story. That sounds easy, and I know it is not.

My point is that the abuse is a piece of the survivor's life and to be honest about all the pieces to me is important. I think early disclosure is good so hopefully healing can either begin or continue, and the survivor can be on the journey to healing. And the survivor's partner can become educated themselves and help the survivor heal.

If acting out is going on--sexually or personality changes, etc., I believe disclosure is a must. A chance for healing can begin and acting out can stop. A survivor feeling their partner might leave them if they found out must be horrible, but the time that can build up in waiting can be horrible too when the partner finds out. Trust can be questioned; many things can be questioned about the life already shared together perhaps. Many answers can be found too, and explanations can be given.

The survivor was a victim--and when the partner finds out they can become one too for what it has done to the survivor, the relationship between the survivor and partner, and perhaps then what it could do to the partner.

Abuse is tragic. Our prayer is not one more person experience a bit of it.

Pray for guidance, peace and clarity in your journey. I pray for you.

Take care, and God Bless--


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#238566 - 07/16/08 08:26 PM Re: in a relationship when is it time to disclose? [Re: 1islandboy]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
1islandboy,
Snuggling is our feminine side? \:\)
Liv


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#238578 - 07/16/08 09:05 PM Re: in a relationship when is it time to disclose? [Re: CDavid]
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
"When do YOU disclose"

That is a huge yet critically important question however i think you will get a vareity of opinions and suggestions( trish and dangal have real imorptant points yet ultimately it's up to YOU)

but only when you're ready and when the situation presents itself ( and trust me it will ) you will know in your heart the time to disclose such personal information and only then will it happen ...in your time........no one elses.

I cannot ,nor will i try to speak for anyone but myself but i have ALWAYS believed that "being true to yourself" means just that....in every single aspect of your life( my belief(s) that is) however i don't want to get sidetracked afterall this is your post but i know when i told my fiancee when we first started datring early on i was sexually abused and the way i veiwed it ......" if she accpets it she accepts it ,if she doesn't then she doesn't " that was my gut feeling.

She took what i said and handled it far better then i could have ever imagined possible because i was honest and she told me later on as we became close " i admire you for your honesty that took alot of trust on your part to share that part of you with me"

I'll never forget those words.....i felt alot of emotions


anger

fear

sadness( for my inner child)

rage
exploited but most of all i felt validated which something i never felt in a longggg time.

I will say that when you're ready to share that part of you with her i can promise you one thing........you will feel so much better because if it were me and i was her and you shared your past with me i'd be honored in that you allowed yourself to go to that place that i am sure still scares you.

Sorry for the long reply but as i am sure you know already this " abuse " is very provocative and has many faces.

Go easy on yourself when you decide yet i agree totaly that "feeling her out" and see what she says and how she re-acts because you're never going to know until you muster the courage to be the man you have always been.

I wish you the best in any decision you chose and/or disclose.....it's scarey of course...but in the end you'll heal that much more therefore having said that...........be gentle with you and you'd be amazed at the growth.........


Coopstah

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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