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#236255 - 07/06/08 02:13 AM Re: in a relationship when is it time to disclose? [Re: CDavid]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6350
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: CDavid
Wouldn't the more appropriate response from someone that we chose to disclose to, be..."Oh, my God!!"


I suppose that might depend upon what came after "Oh my God."

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#236256 - 07/06/08 02:40 AM Re: in a relationship when is it time to disclose? [Re: Still]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
Good point. And, therein lies the risk. Disclosure became the reason, in a round about way, that my first marriage ended. But, oddly, not because of the fact that I disclosed, but because I chose to pursue recovery. My first wife watched from the sidelines, suggesting I was leaving her behind. I made our first appointment for couples counseling, she went a few times then decided she did not want to continue. I did continue.

When you do watch the incoming nuclear missiles, as they are approaching...you got to make a choice. I think disclosure is a growth experience that not every relationship can handle. Because it means both parties have to grow.

It was hard, very difficult. It always is when one person in the relationship takes responsibility for their life...and the other chooses not to. It has always been easier to sit on the sidelines and blame...than change.


:-)


CD


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#236263 - 07/06/08 05:56 AM Re: in a relationship when is it time to disclose? [Re: CDavid]
Nyjah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/14/07
Posts: 610
This is super tricky.

My first relationship that was serious was with a girl named Sheena, I never told her about anything. I got nervous sometimes when we hugged but then I knew she was safe.

My second relationship was with my house bro...we all kinda knew what happened with all of us in the house and at the home in general with the other boys. So...like, it all was already out there. But we did talk about what happened to the both of us, and it helped us in a lot of ways.


But I agree with what...Rob I think said about ifyou're going to get married to her or something like that. Then I think you should tell. But if you're not, then it's okay to keep it to yourself. I think an exception to that rule would be if she did something really inappropriate that you didn't like.


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#236283 - 07/06/08 10:35 AM Re: in a relationship when is it time to disclose? [Re: CDavid]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Like Dangal, I am a wife who only found out when things started to get difficult for us and only after everything became "my fault".

I can appreciate how hard it is to disclose and how vulnerable it makes you. But, if you want to have a deep and significant relationship with someone, honesty is absolutely critical just as you expect it in return. As well, given the triggers that come and go, you never know when memories will spring up even when you think you have put the past in the past.

What hurt me most is that my H assumed that I couldn't handle it. He didn't give me the benefit of the doubt nor did he remember my strength of character, which is part of what made him fall in love with me in the first place.

My advice is to go slow but when you know the person is someone you want to share a life with, search for strength within yourself to let the person know your secrets.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#236318 - 07/06/08 02:03 PM Re: in a relationship when is it time to disclose? [Re: theatrekid]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
Chris,
Does being sexually active with your gf give her the "right" to know about the csa? No, it doesn't. However, if anything triggers you to react negatively during sex, you may want to let her know about those things ahead of time. This doesn't mean that you actually have to disclose the csa, but rather let her know that you don't really like this or that. It could prevent a negative reaction and/or her wondering what she did to make it happen.
I don't know that there is really an appropriate time, or way to tell her. I don't know if there is really a way to downplay it, it is what it is. If you feel it's the right time, it probably will be. This is something you're sharing with her, so it will always be up to you.
As far as her reaction...she'll have alot of questions, some of which you might feel like answering, and some you won't. For us, he disclosed, and then imagined a reaction I was not having. Then, he pulled away for awhile. I felt like he'd handed me a cinder block and said, "Here, hold this for me." I wondered what the point was for telling me if he was going to shut me out. It was difficult at first, but things got much better between us after that. There were alot of things that triggered him every day that I thought were me. They weren't.
Always,
Liv


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#236373 - 07/06/08 05:29 PM Re: in a relationship when is it time to disclose? [Re: Liv2124]
theatrekid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 702
Loc: oregon
Everybody thank you for the replies. I will use every thing every one has said while i consider disclosing, which will still be a while away for me but i want to be prepared. \:\)

Chris


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#236402 - 07/06/08 06:46 PM Re: in a relationship when is it time to disclose? [Re: theatrekid]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6350
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
I hope you studied all of this material above. There will be an essay and multiple-choice exam tonight.

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#236413 - 07/06/08 07:16 PM Re: in a relationship when is it time to disclose? [Re: Still]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
Cute, Rob
Wanna freak the kid out?


Chris,
Just say what you need to say...

Liv



Edited by Liv2124 (07/06/08 07:55 PM)

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#236439 - 07/06/08 09:54 PM Re: in a relationship when is it time to disclose? [Re: Liv2124]
1islandboy Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 856
Loc: washington
I basically posted, this same question,about a week ago. Nobody answered in, I believe a 24hr. period,so I pulled it off. I believe I did so, because even though we are hopefully going the same direction,in certain ways are paths are unique. Let me explain,some had it better, and (i'm sure a whole lot of people had it worse).I'M not trying to minimize my abuse, but perhaps shed some light on it.

My abuser was a jekle and hyde type,often times very loving,except when he abused me ,only when he was abusing me, was he ever rough.Regardless, it still screwed me up emotionally,I had feelings for my abuser,even though some of the harder stuff was clearly only for his enjoyment. my abuse somehow continued through other people i.e my brother,even though the events weren't connected.(my boundaries were shattered).

We all and deal and process our abuse different ways,my case was made crystal clear when I read SPEAKING OUR TRUTH by NEAL KING,who was abused and (I believe)by no mistake chose his major,because of the fact.Paraphrasing for content,He both hated and but also loved his big brother ...he had taken the torture and eroticized it.That was such an astounding,bring it into the illumination room moment for me.

So why did I bring this all up? Because, my abuse has changed me sexually.If I am to find the right person: I have to be honest,open and willing, and that means I CANNOT deny who I am\or who I have become. MY answer is clearly before we have sex.

I don't know if I raised more questions than answers,but I believe I have STRESSED, it is a complicated issue.

friends for life,

1islandboy

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#236482 - 07/07/08 03:48 AM Re: in a relationship when is it time to disclose? [Re: 1islandboy]
1islandboy Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 856
Loc: washington
O.K. I want to double down on this one,

First I would like to say , I was married to a person,so sick that she doesn't even know she is sick. I disclosed to her,some years back(during a mental breakdown), all that ever came of it was,she blamed my parents for not protecting me. I really couldn't change her mind,but now that I'm healthier, it's like, what the phuck do you know. It's not like you were there, and if anyone should have the power to blame, it's me.

For anyone whose read my enough of my posts to figure out,the other day I got a deep tissue massage,that allowed all of these feelings to surface about disclosure,knows that I went totally psyco for about two days.

Now that I'm through that, disclosing might be as simple as leaving my recovery books on my bookshelf. And NO,I absolutely refuse to hide my books. I don't own the shame,my abuser does.When we talk I will let her know,I am not dammaged goods. If she has children she will learn I am now a PROTECTOR.There is no doubt for me now that I will ever re-offend.No one deserves to go through,what we have had to endure.

Now that I am sober,I don't stuff my feelings anymore. I can see it now,"Hey mom,I found a humble guy that actually knows how to listen,sometimes he even responds". (what a concept).

I think the rest is in the action steps (i.e.snuggletime), and if she doesn't want snuggle,the sign is on the wall, "she is not your soulmate". End it now.
How many HEALTHY GIRLS, don't want to snuggle,and get in touch with their feminine side anyway? (come-on).

as for reavealing my true sexual self,still cluless on that one.

live in the solution,

1islandboy

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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