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#234767 - 06/30/08 08:54 PM Am I just a gluton for punishment?
insanityisme Offline


Registered: 06/30/08
Posts: 1
Loc: Utah
Ok here goes I have not written all of this down because when I think of what I have been through I feel as tho I am insane for staying with my husband. I met him almost 15 years ago and I fell in love instantly. We got along so well. But from the beginning he lied, he lies all the time about anything and everything. He spent the first few years drinking and being gone for days on end. He apologized and he has known what to say to make me love him instantly. We got married and during our pregnancy he cheated on me left me for another. He needed attention I couldn't give. After our son was born I took him back. Before our sons first birthday he cheated 2 more times. He has drank and lied all these years but the last time last august when I found out he had to tell me because she was and he knew it would be over, but this time there was a twist...he started crying and told me it was not me it was him, he had been sexually abused when he was younger by a female babysitter he had had when he was around 8 years old. I was stunned, I wanted to hold the child in him and make it better and at the sametime I had to deal with the fact he had cheated again. He told me that the reasons he drank and would disappear is because he couldn't deal with what had happened that the demons would take over and he had to get away. He said there were many times that he held a gun to his head and would have pulled the trigger if he didn't have me and his sons. So now I have been carrying around the weight of his pain and the weight of mine. He monitors or relationship by sex if we have it all the time then I love him if I don't then I hate him. He is obsessed with sex and porn and sexual play he always wants something different sometimes I concider to be degrading and it is getting worse. Then about 2 weeks ago when I have just about given up again, he told me he was the most damaged person I could have gotten with and there was more that had happened but he wasnt ready to tell me. Help, is my sanity more important than his pain or the other way around. I don't know if I am coming or going anymore. I feel as tho I am on a tightrope all the time questioning his lies and fighting his demons. My self esteem is nothing and I know his is too but how do I help him so I can help me. Oh and he is totally against any counceling, he thinks it is for week people. He is very much a bully and a control freak.

This is a very shortened version of my life many more I could have written. I don't want him to come acrossed as a horrible person he is so caring and giving and he is such a fabulous Dad his kids are everything to him and he spends time with them making them feel so special.

Any advise would be so helpful and I would appreciate the time someone even took to read my post.


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#234789 - 06/30/08 09:55 PM Re: Am I just a gluton for punishment? [Re: insanityisme]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
insanityisme,

Your name may be how you feel right now, but it is not you. You're not insane, or crazy, or wrong for the devastation you're feeling. You've been handed a whole lot of information in a short period of time which is just like a smothering blanket on top of the confusion and pain you've been living with.

You're not alone. Welcome to MS

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#234792 - 06/30/08 10:01 PM Re: Am I just a gluton for punishment? [Re: Trish4850]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey iim, not much advice but I read and heard you. Hopefully this site will help, know it will.

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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