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#234232 - 06/27/08 11:30 PM Who would you be?
erkspowa1978 Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/31/08
Posts: 12
Loc: Spokane, Washington
Have any of you actually sat down and thought about who you would be if you had never been abused?

I have honestly tried to back to when I was first abused and see if I could remember who I was.
I was so damn young. Its hard to even comprehend what things would be better, easier, less dark then they are now.
My whole being is wrapped up in what happened to me.
My wieght, my sexual perceptions, my emotions, my beliefs ......

Maybe we could add this question as well, I think that it is partially related
What would you change about yourself?

_________________________
THe rooFer


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#234354 - 06/28/08 07:28 PM Re: Who would you be? [Re: erkspowa1978]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2020
Loc: durham, north england
A question I've been asking a lot recently sinse I started recovery, ---- and a good one.

the problem is, I have a friend who is incredibly like me. We think in a very similar way, we studdied the same subject, we have the same tastes in books, music and films. there are differences of course, ---- like him playing the guitar and drumbs and me being voice and wind, but mainly we're very similar, ---- accept that he wasn't abused.

He's incredibly relaxed about things, ---- more so than me. he doesn't have my panic responses, my problem with being touched or with anything to do with the S word, and he certainly doesn't have my problem with depression or feeling drained.

He's also highly happy with and in himself, and while he's certainly far from arrogant, has none of the self-isteme thing or beliefs that he's worthless which I do.

the big kicker of course, is that while I've never had a Gf, he's on his fourth, ---- who he met when he was 19 and has been living with for the passed six years, and is going to be marrying next year (sinse he's now found a ring).

I've told him about the abuse, and he said it explained several things about my character, and in fact he's certain he'd be in the same fix I'd be in now were he not abused.

He's probably my best male friend, we're incredibly close. while I'm not jealous of him in the sense of hating or resentment, I do sometimes think of him, of how much I admire him, of his loving relationship with his Gf, of his ability to be cheerful and funny no matter what, ---- and sometimes i feel a great sense of sadness and regret.

but at least, sinse november, I've been trying to change the things about myself which I thought were unchangeable, ----- which has to count for something.


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#234621 - 06/30/08 09:27 AM Re: Who would you be? [Re: dark empathy]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 862
Loc: washington
this one is a hard one for me,

when i think about this one it brings up several emotions. first i'm sad at a sense of loss, self worth and trust come to mind,this dynamic can often lead me to take things wrong and act innapropriately. sometimes i feel as if MY mirror is broken, everyone else get's a mirror to their reality but me. i heard once the the ism in my alcoholism stands for incredible short memory(i have confussion what impacts what),so i'm kinda double screwed.either way i have trouble remembering names,people i even see repeatedly, dates don't register,you know what the date is today? i haven't got a clue. even when at work and the computer shows the date,for every check i have to look.actually every once in a while i seem to make a connection.

how many times do i check locks on stuff? for me my average is 4 times. when i'm on machinery i'm pretty good at staying in reality,other times its off to the monkey house. a whole bag of crazy showing up in my head.

but in the end you have to live in the solution,don't get spun out and play the cards your dealt.i can spend a lot of time wondering why..and that just leads to depression.

if you decide not to change the direction your going on the road of life,you've made an unconcious decision to go strait.(i came up with this saying)though its possible someone with more self worth.put it on a card, and got credit for it.

enough

hold your head up

1islandboy

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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