I have not posted here in so long. More than 2 years I think. And here I am again, almost 4 years now since my boyf started his recovery. And so grateful there is a place like this to come to and people like you to talk to and share with. thank you for being there
The current situation is extremely difficult for me. We have gone through everything, good and bad. And still are. We have overcome many obstacles together and I have stood by him (no matter what), helping him to regain himself. And he has made such amazing progresses.
However, it feels now like I have to let him walk on his own. I cannot keep holding his hand. For one main reason: he has gotten to a point of feeling almost numb emotionally. This routine of not showing emotions, his fear to come out of that place where he feels safe, where he protects himself emotionally. This is killing me.
I am starting to question us.
I understand why he has difficultiesto express/show emotions. I have tried to help him but I feel he has to make it happen and stand up for himself, he has to make the final step. I need to see him promoting and acting positively in regard to his emotions about me and other passions in his life.
His emotional numbness is making me a cold person towards him, I am not expressing my feelings to him since I do not get the attention and reciprocity .. This is against me, my nature!! Anyway, the latest means a lot to me. I am craving emotional attention.. and I have been blind to this for so long.
We have spoken, we have considered all possibilities of why this is happening. Maybe we (I) have been concentrated in his recovery so much that we (or more I) forgot about me. Maybe this is another stage of his recovery I just have to keep being patient. Maybe that was it, we were meant to be together so that he could find himself, now the job is done and we have to walk different ways...
I am confused and questioning whether I will keep waiting or just give up and leave. I need to be emotionally stimulated and feel his emotions as I make him feel mine. I don't want to end up like so many peopleI know, in a numb relationship, living a numb life. Besides there is always a possibility of a third person crossing my life and giving me that emotional attention and I don't want to end up being unfaithful at all costs..
And I am feeling so guilty and selfish, for asking him to reach his emotions, to gain his passions, to believe in himself, to show me his affection...I am feeling terrible for almost demanding all these and making him feel as if he is failing us...