Alot has been happening lately... but today, my ex took my kids with him, and I had "alone time" to reflect on alot of things.
Last night I was invited to a work related function that I wanted to go to. I told my SO about it 2 weeks ago, but he wouldn't "commit" to going. I didn't hear from him until the night before said event, (when I reached out to him) and he bailed on it. I wasn't mad, but I was disappointed. I rarely, if ever, ask him to do anything for me. I needed 2-3 hours of his time.
Today, I actually sat down and asked myself what I really think is going to happen here. Things aren't always bad, but they aren't great either. Yes, I love him, but contrary to poetic convictions, love can't move mountains and it certainly can't move him.
He needs therapy. I can't make him go. I can take him there, even pay for it, but I can't make him go. I, myself, can't help him. And I know, I'm as close as anyone can ever get, to him.
I asked myself why last night's issue bothered me so much. It's because I never really ask anything of him because I always feel as though he's dealing with enough already. This time, I needed him to do something for me, for reasons of my own. He knew what those reasons were, and they weren't important enough to him. Sorry, but today, this translates to me, that I'M not important enough.
This isn't going to change. Why am I doing this?
Credit goes out to all the survivors I have posted to, and with. They have all been so honest and straight forward in their opinions. I can't say that I've never come across anyone who has berated me for asking a question, running something past them, or asking their opinion.
This isn't working, and I don't know how to make it work.
Why did he do this? Why did I let this happen? What does he want? Really?
Today, I'm sick of being the understanding one. I'm sick of his excuses.
My 17 year old daughter had a video playing on the computer recently and although I can't stand most of her music (typical parent) I was listening to it and thinking, "Someone knows about us." The lyrics were the definition of how I feel about him.http://youtube.com/watch?v=QGg1gvs7QfM
I came back to edit. This credits Indygal and her post on closure. Here's my thing... having been with him for so long, loving him as much as I do, I feel guilty. Why? I, for the life of me, do NOT understand it. I've been okay with (just about) everything, I've been supportive, I've "stuck it out" (29-30 years MUST count for something) I've encouraged, taken the initiative, all the crap... Now what?