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#233726 - 06/26/08 09:13 AM Boy for Hire
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
I guess this is normal. I'm finally getting in touch with my feelings and what it felt like to be sexually abused since I was before 5. I always use 5 years old as a starting place. But, to be honest here, and I'm trying to be honest, there's evidence that the sexual abuse started back as far as about 20 months. I mention this and I get very hot. Something inside me feels like it is turning into concrete. Anyway, I look back and I look like a tramp, someone who just wanted to lay there and have it happen to him over and over again until 16 or so. I feel like such a whore. Crazy isn't it. The only thing I didn't do, that I remember, is do it for money. I wasn't attracted to me. I guess I was just attracted to self destruction. I wonder why I went back over and over again wanting it and not wanting it. Sick, isn't it? Someone tell me I'm okay - Please. It's been a very hard week.


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#233729 - 06/26/08 09:37 AM Re: Boy for Hire [Re: LW1527]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6852
Loc: USA
That's how it works.

Our physical body responds with "liking it". It feels good.

But then we have strongly mixed feelings. The other part of us, our rational self, doesn't like it. We feel crushed and torn and damaged and taken advantage of.

This is how healing progresses. To acknowledge the feelings and then to come to terms with the agony produced in us.

You are making progress.

Puffer


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#233734 - 06/26/08 10:07 AM Re: Boy for Hire [Re: LW1527]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
LW,

I was in the exact same boat (acting out at age 10-14)! When the original four perps (4 older boys) were greatly done with me I went looking for "it" from those within the same crowd. That "crowd" being other older jock kids who would pay for things. I had a reputation for such things and only had to make myself visible on a basketball court at the prep school near my house and wait for one of them to approach me. It was not long at all until there not even ANY conversation required...reputation alone provided a great-big sign on my chest.

One very interesting note: Not one of those that I approached ever said "no." And they were always 3-4 years older than me.

For me, it was not physical pleasure that drove me to that anonymous-sex part of acting out. I had other relationships for that. Rather, mine was a:

1) feeling of acceptance and usefulness with the type of guys I felt like would never have any other use for me.

2) clear self-loathing. I felt like I deserved a depraved life.

3) un-explainable drive to do it.

Originally Posted By: LW1527
...I wonder why I went back over and over again wanting it and not wanting it. Sick, isn't it? Someone tell me I'm okay - Please. It's been a very hard week.


Those whom have seen my posts from when I was relatively new here know very well that I deal with the same end-result issues....the same questions. I'm coming to realize as a boy, I had no knowledge of any other behavior..no ideas of any options. My role in that little town was developed from age 7.5 without my doing.

I still trying to see all that without wanting to puke, cry or worse. I'm beginning to see (intellectually) that it was out of my control. However, seeing the logic and intellectual argument does not do much for my emotional view.

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