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#233471 - 06/25/08 01:01 PM Being honest with my wife--she needs me!
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 695
I've been reading through the Friends and Family forum, and I read lots I identify with. Bear in mind that most, and I mean most, that I identify with has been told me by my wife. I haven't told her about this post yet.

I hear women speaking of living with a roommate, of how the survivor will come home, say a short hello, then exit and hide. He (I) will come home even beligerent to get her away. And the turmoil is actually a language I understand. I speak that much clearer than "Oh, I had a great day at work", or "Something happened today. Let me tell you what happened".

I hear women being anxious (walking on eggshells) because they never know what kind of mood he (I) will be in. I've heard that time and time again.

I hear women getting criticized for irrelavent, umimportant changes in things such as washing/not washing dishes, her taking down time by herself, wanting to spend time with her parents, making plans for us when not checking (and then, even when she has), and really anything that has any known or unknown similarity to the abuse. Anything that looks like change. AKA-the unknown.

Finally, I hear women's cries that they are powerless, not knowing what they are doing wrong, and not knowing how to help, if even they could. With time, some leave. Some don't. We have been separated once, for almost a year. I wouldn't want to do that again, but it sure beats the other choice. I never wanted to leave, yet my wife still wants a specific "do you even want to be married?" answer. Is there even an answer for that? Yes. If I didn't, I would have left. I've only learned recently that that is how women shout the "I NEED YOUR LOVE!" message. I know she may sound controlling, but hey, I know what real control felt like as a child, and that ain't it.

I found in the F&F forum that even though I may be very distant from my wife, I couldn't hope to deal with my abuse otherwise. It's like I knew she wouldn't mistreat me because she is the loving, caring person I got to know so closely. I knew she would remain and stick it out with me. From the start, it truly was one of the clearest reason I chose to marry her. I knew more depth would come in time. I knew change would happen in us, between us. Good and bad. And compromise..acceptance of differences...and maturity....and by me, again, acceptance. This is my frustration right now.

But something happened shortly after we were married. A major reason for the change in me was the infiltration of my inlaws. I was battling with the SA (in therapy, group meetings, and MS) when they came in, I got scared by the force used (called "you will be helped even though you don't ask for it"), but I then just shut down, tried to avoid them, and felt overpowered. All I saw in that family was a world where problems could not and would not exist, men were relationally castrated and disrespected, and something called "financial security" was all-important. These are key to me since my family of origin was a mirth of denial, no honesty was allowed, anxiety about money constantly loomed, and nothing other then (Mom's) opinion was listened to. I chose to become invisible to handle life then. Anything other than the day's chaos or self-created emergencies were sidelined indefinitely. And I projected the "you're ignoring me" message all over my inlaws, and my wife too. I still have hurt feelings from being left out in major parts of our marriage. Mom-in-law was in charge, I felt, and I held the bitterness. And I shelled it back out in numerous passive-aggressive ways.

Well, I've been a perpetual disappointment to my inlaws. I still feel fidgety when (mother in-law) is around, and I've broken my wife's heart time and time again with sincere intentions (at the time) that I would follow up on my promises to become a school teacher. I have never fulfilled on that promise. And with that too, I'm not sure what to do. Survivors have a history of not living up to their potential, and I'm not. Protecting myself is my main priority most of the day. I'm not sure where I (will) fit, moreso as the awareness of my abuse increases.

Here's the fruit of it right now. This isn't about money. It's about how I'm treating her. My wife talked to four lawyers last Friday to get retainer fees for a divorce. She told me she cried all day. I was trying to avoid the emotions, then later on the phone she said she didn't want to divorce. I started crying on the phone myself. My three year old daughter came in, didn't understand why I was crying, and I told her "I'm crying because I wasn't nice to Mommy". The little cutie said, "Don't cry Daddy. Don't make that face." Little fighter, she is. I still cried some, but not as heavy. I felt so heavy.

I wanted to title this "How do I treat my wife?" What I mean is "How can I learn to trust my wife, share, but not dump on her nor mistreat her?"

Because the memories have come back so recently, I'm lost. I'm in a fog, I want to escape it, I can't (avoiding people and situations brings more anxiety), and I feel like I have a very short time to read or post here every day. For me, MS is the only group connection I have. But I know things will get clearer. Once I get some replies here, I will send this to her for us to talk about. I don't even know if she knows my SA is affecting me again. And again. And again. And again.

Guys, please feel free to PM me. Thank you.



Edited by fhorns (06/25/08 01:03 PM)

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#233479 - 06/25/08 01:25 PM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: fhorns]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
I have a picture on my desk here at work. It is a boy sitting in a chair surrounded by his things. The caption reads:

"To become a real boy you must prove yourself brave, truthful, and unselfish."

I told my sons the other day that in order for them to become real men, they must first become real boys. They need to focus on being Brave, Truthful and Unselfish as a boy then focus on being Brave, Truthful and Unselfish as an adult and in their relationships.

Be brave. Share your feelings
Be kind.
Be a Gentle Man. Men can do soft and gentle.
Be honest.
Put her first. Be nurturing and caring. Let her know in actions and they way you treat her that she is the most wonderful thing in your life. It is not the big things, but the little things. Opening a door, taking her hand, rubbing her neck. But always be gentle and always LISTEN. Men are horrible listeners. Listen and don't try to debate. Just share. I hope this helps a little.


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#233482 - 06/25/08 01:37 PM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: LW1527]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 695
Part of the "protecting myself" thing is thinking I'll be hurt. I don't feel like an adult when I'm around her, and this is frequent for me due to the abuse by my Mom. She's heard me share this fear time and time again, and she has numbed out to hearing it. She carried it for so long, internalized it, and now she just shuts down and wanders away, either physically or mentally. Because she's not my Mom. Therefore, I'm scared not only to be abused, but to be rejected too. It's like I'm an infant running around waiting to picked up, dusted off, reassured, hugged, and encouraged to go at it again. Some of this is valid as an adult and partner, but how much, I am not sure. I've read that survivors have very unrealistic expectations of themselves and others. What/how do I communicate this without turning her off? I may give the "you've hurt my feelings again" message. That rips her heart out, as she needs to be heard, acknowledged for her efforts, and just plain seen as significant to me. She won't hear the "you made a mistake again" message. It hurts her, and I am just starting to see it.

How many survivors ever got out of their own head long enough to see their SO's point of view?



Edited by fhorns (06/25/08 01:55 PM)

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#233500 - 06/25/08 02:45 PM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: fhorns]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
I don't think being a survivor gives us the excuse not to get out of our own heads. Being victims of abuse gives us the ability to fight for relationships that are worth it. I think it is hard for victims to put others first since their own needs are so strong. But I think it has to do with desire. How strong is the desire to put others first, spouse, children, etc. NO matter what has happened to us, our first responsibility is to care for and protect. I used to do that a kid growing up when my dad was away a lot in the Navy. Yeah, I was abused, I was a victim, but I still tried to protect and care for my mom and sister. I think a little family counseling might help you. Also, there's a great book called Communications for Dummies. I don't think it is what you say so much as how you say it. We tend to attack with words like, You made me angry. Someone needs to make the first move in relationships. I think it's the man.


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#233523 - 06/25/08 04:29 PM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: LW1527]
jaa Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/17/07
Posts: 69
Loc: Rhode Island
fhorns,

Man oh man does this hit home with me. Like you, I've disappointed my wife over and over. Couples therapy is an option but I've come to believe that my wife really needs to see someone on her own, and I need to continue seeing my T. I've torn her down over the years which has lowered her self-esteem and she is just plain tired. I think she really needs to see someone on her own, to talk things out, objectively. Now, getting her to do that is a whole other story. She believes that I've made her the way she is and that it's my problem not hers. (please don't take this like she is a harsh person, she is the most loving person I've ever known). My take on things at this point is that I have to worry about myself, take care of myself and hope and pray that it will help our marriage.

At the same time, I'm constantly thinking about how much I love her and how much I need to respect her. Respect is key. She's not had respect from me in years (if ever)...or at least I haven't shown it. Respect means taking her seriously, listening and acting on her beliefs and requests. We know we love each other...the SA adds an element which makes keeping things going difficult. I have to remember that in the way I treat her. I have to remember not to take advantage of our love.

She's a blessing to me and my kids and really to this earth. That makes it worth the struggle to keep her. That makes protecting her from any further harm, worth it.

_________________________
John

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#233763 - 06/26/08 11:31 AM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: jaa]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Jaa and fhorns, have you always known that you loved your wives or were there times where as a result of the CSA (either knowingly or unknowingly), you questioned if you still loved her?

I am curious because often what we partners hear is that you want out of the relationship, but yet your actions don't follow through. That is very confusing for us. Add to that, the negative comments, hearing that everything is our fault, etc., it is really hard to remember why we still love you. But we do. Sometimes you just don't let us.

Your wives are lucky though because I am hoping that since you are writing on here how much they mean to you, that you are also telling them. If you aren't, start.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#233767 - 06/26/08 11:52 AM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: Junefriday]
jaa Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/17/07
Posts: 69
Loc: Rhode Island
My wife and I were just having this discussion two nights ago. I've definitely told my wife that I want out over the years. At the time, I did not know it was because of the CSA. I figured if I kept wanting to act out, I must not love her, right? I know now that that is not the case. The CSA was not allowing me to believe that I could be in a loving relationship with anyone.

She has a hard time accepting my answers about my past behavior. Sex with others, telling her I want to leave her, disrespecting her. I just keep trying with her and myself. She is more concerned now that my actions may not follow through with how much I tell her I love her and want to be able to share that love with her forever.

I just could not believe that I deserved this wonderful relationship...so I hurt her...I abused her. My sex with others was a way for me to be in control, I wasn't as a chile. I can't be in control with my wife...she knows me too well and there shouldn't be "control" issues with her. Sex with her can be hard, because there is so much love there..and I thought I loved my abuser. He hurt me, so I hurt her...it doesn't make any sense...but I believe that's been my struggle with my marriage.

I hope she thinks she is lucky...she could have had a much more "stable" life without me. I do tell her.

_________________________
John

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#233808 - 06/26/08 02:20 PM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: jaa]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
You are right in that she could have had a much more "stable" life without you. But, she saw something in your that was worth it. That says a lot about her and a lot about you.

What I meant by lucky was that you recognize now that much of your negative thoughts about her and questioning of your love of her, was clouded by the CSA. She is very fortunate because you can now take steps toward healing.

So many of us are with survivors who are still in denial as to how the CSA is impacting them and their relationships. It is very hard to look past the negativity, the blame and the lack of love. I still believe that my husband is worth it, but it is damn hard right now. Reading your post gives me hope.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#233817 - 06/26/08 02:29 PM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: Junefriday]
jaa Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/17/07
Posts: 69
Loc: Rhode Island
Obviously you think he is it worth as well or you wouldn't be here.

Stay strong.

_________________________
John

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#234013 - 06/27/08 08:07 AM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: jaa]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
I think the best words I ever heard from a man were "I want you to know, maybe I don't always say it to you, or tell you how much I care or think about you, but I want you to know, you are on my mind a lot, and I do think about you and me a lot. When we're not together, it doesn't matter, you are on my mind."

That was around 30 years ago. I lost him in a terrible accident about 25 years ago; I never lost those words, they meant a lot then and still do. Being sincere and honest is what counts more than anything - ask her - I'm sure she'll agree.

Indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#234045 - 06/27/08 10:20 AM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: indygal]
jaa Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/17/07
Posts: 69
Loc: Rhode Island
Indygal, that's good advice. It's hard for some of us men to say those things. I need to remember to say it when I'm feeling it and not just when I think she needs to hear it.

_________________________
John

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#234063 - 06/27/08 11:42 AM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: jaa]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Jaa, I don't honestly know how to respond to your earlier comment. I used to think my H was worth it but I don't know anymore. The guy I fell in love with and married was definitely worth the pain, the effort and the love. But, I haven't seen him around for the last 6 months. The guy that replaced him is definitely not worth the effort and has made it crystal clear that he doesn't WANT me to make the effort. So, I don't really know what to do. I know only he can take the step toward healing, but I don't know what my role is until he does so.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#234074 - 06/27/08 12:49 PM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: Junefriday]
jaa Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/17/07
Posts: 69
Loc: Rhode Island
June, if he isn't worth it then why come here? Aren't you here to fight for him somehow? I take it your husband is not getting any help. I'll offer you some of the things that my wife said to me that helped me realize the help I had received in the past was not enough and I needed to find more resources and keep moving. "You have abused me over the years, just like Bob abused you." "This isn't working, I'm leaving". She actually left me for two weeks at one point. For some, a reality check goes a long way...like an alcoholic hitting rock bottom...they don't start to recover until they do. Not very encouraging I know, but it's all I have.

_________________________
John

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#234092 - 06/27/08 01:26 PM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: jaa]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
I don't know, I don't know. Yes, I am here because I am fighting for him and for us. But I feel as though I am fighting some imaginary opponent. I fight much better when the opponent actually gets in the game!! It is frustrating because the people on this site and the many, many books I have read (in record time I might add) have armed me with so much knowledge that I don't feel as though it is a fair fight because it wouldn't be right to use this arsenal against someone who isn't armed with the same defenses. Not sure if that analogy actually makes sense...

I do believe that my H's problem with me and with our marriage is all in his head. I know that it isn't his thinking but rather thoughts that have been impaired by the CSA. But having that knowledge isn't getting us anywhere because I am not really the one that needs to know (though I won't deny that it helps me to know).

In April I told him that if he wasn't committed to our relationship, then he needed to leave and find another place to live. At that time, I didn't know about the CSA. He stayed on at the house which only game me false hope. He continues to be at the house and has made little attempt to exit. When I ask if his feelings have changed, he says no and that he still believes it is over. I haven't kicked him out because I love him, don't want him to leave and now knowing about the CSA, believe that he needs a safe place and to know that I am not abandoning him/turning my back on him. But, I feel as though he is just taking advantage of me and my kindness and support of him.

So, my plan is to tell him that though he was just a little boy when this happened, he is an adult now and has to make a choice. A - He can stay in the house and we can get him the help that he needs. I will support him as much or as little as he needs. Or B - He can choose to do nothing but in that case, things between us will not change and therefore he will need to find another place to live. I would have left a long time ago but I have a bigger financial interest in the house. He definitely needs to hit rock bottom and right now, I think he believes that he has it made - a nice home to live in that is always clean, always stocked, but absolutely no responsibility toward the house or toward the person that maintains it. I have no expectations of him and it is clear that is the way he likes it. I understand now that he likes it that way because it is safe and because he doesn't have to worry about not living up to my expectations/disappointing me.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#234096 - 06/27/08 02:08 PM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: Junefriday]
jaa Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/17/07
Posts: 69
Loc: Rhode Island
I hope your plan has some effect to make both your lives better. Something I've realized is that in not living up to my wife's expectations, I really wasn't living up to my own expectations of myself.

_________________________
John

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#234097 - 06/27/08 02:18 PM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: jaa]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Jaa, sounds like you have grown tremendously! Thank you so much for your insight.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#234117 - 06/27/08 04:24 PM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: Junefriday]
jaa Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/17/07
Posts: 69
Loc: Rhode Island
Thank you for validating for me that my wife is not alone.

_________________________
John

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#234131 - 06/27/08 06:51 PM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: jaa]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
fhorns,

I wanted to title this "How do I treat my wife?" What I mean is "How can I learn to trust my wife, share, but not dump on her nor mistreat her?"

Just do it! Learn that is. You trust her enough to tell her about the s/a which was huge. Why do you think that being straight and telling her that you're still struggling would be any harder for her to deal with? Not that it won't be hard, it will, but, she's been dealing with it, she just didn't know it! You can't fight the enemy or help your ally if you don't know who or what they are.

ROCK ON..........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#234157 - 06/27/08 08:29 PM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: Trish4850]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 695
All of you,
I was terrified to write "knowing" I would have her read it, but, no. Not now. I'll simply take Trish's simple advice...and keep it simple. I usually talk around the issue, at the issue, and then don't even remember I am in a 2-way conversation. Damn, I'd love feedback on that. I know I can not be the only man who forgets he's talking with her, not at her. Hmmmm... And that she's not the one I'm mad at. Hmmmm...


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#234162 - 06/27/08 08:54 PM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: fhorns]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
It's easy to talk at a person if they've checked out. You said your wife has become immune to some of what you say because she's heard it so many times, I don't doubt that. All I can suggest is that you pick a moment when the two of you can face each other, look in each other's eyes, concentrate on each other and really have a conversation. If it looks like she's checking out, don't get mad, say something to bring her back, like I Love You and I need to talk about this WITH you.

Good luck friend.

ROCK ON......Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#234255 - 06/28/08 05:40 AM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: fhorns]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
fhorns,
I like the way you described talking around the issue and at the issue. As I read it, I thought, "He's describing that 800 pound gorilla that follows us around at times".
I remember, about a year ago, he and I went to a street fair where there were alot of amusements. He wanted me to go on this huge, (in my opinion, UNSAFE-LOOKING) spinning thing. I said, "No, I don't do rides. They scare me." And his response was, "That's okay. We'll just do it, and call it something else." Then ensued the "discussion" about how, you can call something whatever you want, it doesn't change what it is.
That is the overall issue here.
I have been talked at, yelled at, been with him and watched him interact with countless other people and thought, "Who is THIS guy?" I have been asked questions by him, often the same question, 10 different ways, and it's my fault and I don't "get it" when my answer isn't what he wants. Especially since it's often the same exact answer, 10 times. I hear everything he says, but I don't always comment on everything. Awhile back I realized that alot of the time, he wasn't really talking to me, he was more or less sounding things out for himself. I'll admit though, there are times when he'll come out with something SOOOO far out there that I can't keep my mouth shut. ;\)
I don't tune him out, but I don't always react. Especially if he's in a bad mood and trying to pick a fight. I can sense it coming, like wind before a storm. First he'll get annoyed at the familiar, then it'll move into a bigger thing, (and let me point out, the bigger thing will generally have no connection to the real issue) and I'm usually looking at him and asking him, "What is this REALLY about?" (Of course, this pisses him off more... \:\/ ) The deal-breaker is usually when I get pissed. I have a relatively long fuse, but when it's used up, that's it. He'll usually disappear at that point, and re-appear when he thinks I've forgotten about it. He'll never bring it up, never apologize for anything. Never.

Always,
Liv


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#234648 - 06/30/08 10:56 AM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: Liv2124]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 862
Loc: washington
dear liv2124,

i'm single now,and i just wanted to offer a different perspective. in my relationship, when conflict arrises, i sought avoidance, now i try to live in the solution.i am in a program that inspires me to be honest,open, and willing.through my healing process and with a lot of soul searching,i have figure out what my part was,and today i need to be responsible for my side of the street. i look for patterns, and try to deal with my problems when i notice their starting to affect me. i used to let them pile up.its always dangerous to let stuff pile up.(when i got in a fight with my wife it was never about what just occured ,it was the thing that,was said or done to one of us,thet made us mad four events ago) when i talk history,i'm talking about the past.nobody owns the past,not he,she,it...nobody....on some level we as concious beings need to let go of it.(maybe god or my higher power owns the past) my goal is to live in today.i can't change the past,anymore than i can change the future ...

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#234651 - 06/30/08 11:22 AM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: 1islandboy]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 862
Loc: washington
...i had to come to a level of acceptance that my mirror is broken. and i see life through a different lense. my reality,is not neccesarily the reality of whats actually going on.i have to have the courage to face my fears,and courage is not the absence of fear..it's having fear and doing it anyway.i now have the ability to say i'm sorry.this didn't come naturally,this was a learned behavior. more often than not i normally apologize,even when i don't feel i'm wrong.you've heard the old saying it works ( IF) you work it.for me the key is... if....and willingness....and still somedays i walk through other peoples flower gardens,and i smile and wave when i do it.for me before,i would have a fight or flight response...and today,i go and buy better flowers and plant them in the garden...and often in my head i'm a whole bag of crazy and...

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#234656 - 06/30/08 11:42 AM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: 1islandboy]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 862
Loc: washington
...welcome to the monkey house...but all i know is each day it get's a little bit better.

i'm not sure i know anything anymore,or if anything i said made any sense.
but i do believe love conquers all and love is the answer...but then again i have a problem with love,because that is a trust issue...and that is scary to me i would rather push you away.

i hope the telling of my story,helps your story,and i hope that you keep the marriage
counciling door open,for after you both seek individual counciling. 1islandboy

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#245640 - 08/19/08 09:15 PM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: 1islandboy]
oriolesguy Offline


Registered: 08/12/08
Posts: 108
Loc: Long Island, NY
I've scanned what you guys have written and I'm still in a haze of whether or not to tell my wife. I want her to see me as her husband, not as a client (she counsels rape victims, female substance abusers, etc. at work). I try really hard to make things normal and loving but I know I come across as a ditzbrain and a guy who is always trying to get his act together. I guess in a lot of ways my act isn't together. I have always tried to block out the negative emotions and replace them with good ones, but shame and fear are two things that are beginning to overshadow me and I don't like it. I've also had some nightmares, and I always lie (shamefully) when I tell her I don't know what I was dreaming about.
So what do I do? Stay busier than ever, sometimes not giving her the time I should, so I don't have to think about tough questions like should I tell her. Confused, confused, confused. I apologize if I sound like a ditzbrain.

Oriolesguy


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#245905 - 08/20/08 07:11 PM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: oriolesguy]
very confused Offline


Registered: 07/19/08
Posts: 16
Loc: TX, USA
I'm sure it's a confusing issue. But I think I would tell her. If she's a good therapist she'll understand she can't counsel you and will realize she needs to give you love and support and that you should receive counseling from someone else. If she loves you she would hate to think of you burying your pain and suffering in silence. My 2 cents anyway.


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