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#234255 - 06/28/08 05:40 AM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: fhorns]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
fhorns,
I like the way you described talking around the issue and at the issue. As I read it, I thought, "He's describing that 800 pound gorilla that follows us around at times".
I remember, about a year ago, he and I went to a street fair where there were alot of amusements. He wanted me to go on this huge, (in my opinion, UNSAFE-LOOKING) spinning thing. I said, "No, I don't do rides. They scare me." And his response was, "That's okay. We'll just do it, and call it something else." Then ensued the "discussion" about how, you can call something whatever you want, it doesn't change what it is.
That is the overall issue here.
I have been talked at, yelled at, been with him and watched him interact with countless other people and thought, "Who is THIS guy?" I have been asked questions by him, often the same question, 10 different ways, and it's my fault and I don't "get it" when my answer isn't what he wants. Especially since it's often the same exact answer, 10 times. I hear everything he says, but I don't always comment on everything. Awhile back I realized that alot of the time, he wasn't really talking to me, he was more or less sounding things out for himself. I'll admit though, there are times when he'll come out with something SOOOO far out there that I can't keep my mouth shut. ;\)
I don't tune him out, but I don't always react. Especially if he's in a bad mood and trying to pick a fight. I can sense it coming, like wind before a storm. First he'll get annoyed at the familiar, then it'll move into a bigger thing, (and let me point out, the bigger thing will generally have no connection to the real issue) and I'm usually looking at him and asking him, "What is this REALLY about?" (Of course, this pisses him off more... \:\/ ) The deal-breaker is usually when I get pissed. I have a relatively long fuse, but when it's used up, that's it. He'll usually disappear at that point, and re-appear when he thinks I've forgotten about it. He'll never bring it up, never apologize for anything. Never.

Always,
Liv


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#234648 - 06/30/08 10:56 AM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: Liv2124]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 861
Loc: washington
dear liv2124,

i'm single now,and i just wanted to offer a different perspective. in my relationship, when conflict arrises, i sought avoidance, now i try to live in the solution.i am in a program that inspires me to be honest,open, and willing.through my healing process and with a lot of soul searching,i have figure out what my part was,and today i need to be responsible for my side of the street. i look for patterns, and try to deal with my problems when i notice their starting to affect me. i used to let them pile up.its always dangerous to let stuff pile up.(when i got in a fight with my wife it was never about what just occured ,it was the thing that,was said or done to one of us,thet made us mad four events ago) when i talk history,i'm talking about the past.nobody owns the past,not he,she,it...nobody....on some level we as concious beings need to let go of it.(maybe god or my higher power owns the past) my goal is to live in today.i can't change the past,anymore than i can change the future ...

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#234651 - 06/30/08 11:22 AM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: 1islandboy]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 861
Loc: washington
...i had to come to a level of acceptance that my mirror is broken. and i see life through a different lense. my reality,is not neccesarily the reality of whats actually going on.i have to have the courage to face my fears,and courage is not the absence of fear..it's having fear and doing it anyway.i now have the ability to say i'm sorry.this didn't come naturally,this was a learned behavior. more often than not i normally apologize,even when i don't feel i'm wrong.you've heard the old saying it works ( IF) you work it.for me the key is... if....and willingness....and still somedays i walk through other peoples flower gardens,and i smile and wave when i do it.for me before,i would have a fight or flight response...and today,i go and buy better flowers and plant them in the garden...and often in my head i'm a whole bag of crazy and...

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#234656 - 06/30/08 11:42 AM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: 1islandboy]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 861
Loc: washington
...welcome to the monkey house...but all i know is each day it get's a little bit better.

i'm not sure i know anything anymore,or if anything i said made any sense.
but i do believe love conquers all and love is the answer...but then again i have a problem with love,because that is a trust issue...and that is scary to me i would rather push you away.

i hope the telling of my story,helps your story,and i hope that you keep the marriage
counciling door open,for after you both seek individual counciling. 1islandboy

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#245640 - 08/19/08 09:15 PM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: 1islandboy]
oriolesguy Offline


Registered: 08/12/08
Posts: 106
Loc: Long Island, NY
I've scanned what you guys have written and I'm still in a haze of whether or not to tell my wife. I want her to see me as her husband, not as a client (she counsels rape victims, female substance abusers, etc. at work). I try really hard to make things normal and loving but I know I come across as a ditzbrain and a guy who is always trying to get his act together. I guess in a lot of ways my act isn't together. I have always tried to block out the negative emotions and replace them with good ones, but shame and fear are two things that are beginning to overshadow me and I don't like it. I've also had some nightmares, and I always lie (shamefully) when I tell her I don't know what I was dreaming about.
So what do I do? Stay busier than ever, sometimes not giving her the time I should, so I don't have to think about tough questions like should I tell her. Confused, confused, confused. I apologize if I sound like a ditzbrain.

Oriolesguy


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#245905 - 08/20/08 07:11 PM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: oriolesguy]
very confused Offline


Registered: 07/19/08
Posts: 16
Loc: TX, USA
I'm sure it's a confusing issue. But I think I would tell her. If she's a good therapist she'll understand she can't counsel you and will realize she needs to give you love and support and that you should receive counseling from someone else. If she loves you she would hate to think of you burying your pain and suffering in silence. My 2 cents anyway.


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