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#234045 - 06/27/08 10:20 AM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: indygal]
jaa Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/17/07
Posts: 69
Loc: Rhode Island
Indygal, that's good advice. It's hard for some of us men to say those things. I need to remember to say it when I'm feeling it and not just when I think she needs to hear it.

_________________________
John

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#234063 - 06/27/08 11:42 AM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: jaa]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Jaa, I don't honestly know how to respond to your earlier comment. I used to think my H was worth it but I don't know anymore. The guy I fell in love with and married was definitely worth the pain, the effort and the love. But, I haven't seen him around for the last 6 months. The guy that replaced him is definitely not worth the effort and has made it crystal clear that he doesn't WANT me to make the effort. So, I don't really know what to do. I know only he can take the step toward healing, but I don't know what my role is until he does so.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#234074 - 06/27/08 12:49 PM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: Junefriday]
jaa Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/17/07
Posts: 69
Loc: Rhode Island
June, if he isn't worth it then why come here? Aren't you here to fight for him somehow? I take it your husband is not getting any help. I'll offer you some of the things that my wife said to me that helped me realize the help I had received in the past was not enough and I needed to find more resources and keep moving. "You have abused me over the years, just like Bob abused you." "This isn't working, I'm leaving". She actually left me for two weeks at one point. For some, a reality check goes a long way...like an alcoholic hitting rock bottom...they don't start to recover until they do. Not very encouraging I know, but it's all I have.

_________________________
John

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#234092 - 06/27/08 01:26 PM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: jaa]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
I don't know, I don't know. Yes, I am here because I am fighting for him and for us. But I feel as though I am fighting some imaginary opponent. I fight much better when the opponent actually gets in the game!! It is frustrating because the people on this site and the many, many books I have read (in record time I might add) have armed me with so much knowledge that I don't feel as though it is a fair fight because it wouldn't be right to use this arsenal against someone who isn't armed with the same defenses. Not sure if that analogy actually makes sense...

I do believe that my H's problem with me and with our marriage is all in his head. I know that it isn't his thinking but rather thoughts that have been impaired by the CSA. But having that knowledge isn't getting us anywhere because I am not really the one that needs to know (though I won't deny that it helps me to know).

In April I told him that if he wasn't committed to our relationship, then he needed to leave and find another place to live. At that time, I didn't know about the CSA. He stayed on at the house which only game me false hope. He continues to be at the house and has made little attempt to exit. When I ask if his feelings have changed, he says no and that he still believes it is over. I haven't kicked him out because I love him, don't want him to leave and now knowing about the CSA, believe that he needs a safe place and to know that I am not abandoning him/turning my back on him. But, I feel as though he is just taking advantage of me and my kindness and support of him.

So, my plan is to tell him that though he was just a little boy when this happened, he is an adult now and has to make a choice. A - He can stay in the house and we can get him the help that he needs. I will support him as much or as little as he needs. Or B - He can choose to do nothing but in that case, things between us will not change and therefore he will need to find another place to live. I would have left a long time ago but I have a bigger financial interest in the house. He definitely needs to hit rock bottom and right now, I think he believes that he has it made - a nice home to live in that is always clean, always stocked, but absolutely no responsibility toward the house or toward the person that maintains it. I have no expectations of him and it is clear that is the way he likes it. I understand now that he likes it that way because it is safe and because he doesn't have to worry about not living up to my expectations/disappointing me.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#234096 - 06/27/08 02:08 PM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: Junefriday]
jaa Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/17/07
Posts: 69
Loc: Rhode Island
I hope your plan has some effect to make both your lives better. Something I've realized is that in not living up to my wife's expectations, I really wasn't living up to my own expectations of myself.

_________________________
John

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#234097 - 06/27/08 02:18 PM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: jaa]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Jaa, sounds like you have grown tremendously! Thank you so much for your insight.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#234117 - 06/27/08 04:24 PM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: Junefriday]
jaa Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/17/07
Posts: 69
Loc: Rhode Island
Thank you for validating for me that my wife is not alone.

_________________________
John

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#234131 - 06/27/08 06:51 PM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: jaa]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
fhorns,

I wanted to title this "How do I treat my wife?" What I mean is "How can I learn to trust my wife, share, but not dump on her nor mistreat her?"

Just do it! Learn that is. You trust her enough to tell her about the s/a which was huge. Why do you think that being straight and telling her that you're still struggling would be any harder for her to deal with? Not that it won't be hard, it will, but, she's been dealing with it, she just didn't know it! You can't fight the enemy or help your ally if you don't know who or what they are.

ROCK ON..........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#234157 - 06/27/08 08:29 PM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: Trish4850]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 668
All of you,
I was terrified to write "knowing" I would have her read it, but, no. Not now. I'll simply take Trish's simple advice...and keep it simple. I usually talk around the issue, at the issue, and then don't even remember I am in a 2-way conversation. Damn, I'd love feedback on that. I know I can not be the only man who forgets he's talking with her, not at her. Hmmmm... And that she's not the one I'm mad at. Hmmmm...


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#234162 - 06/27/08 08:54 PM Re: Being honest with my wife--she needs me! [Re: fhorns]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
It's easy to talk at a person if they've checked out. You said your wife has become immune to some of what you say because she's heard it so many times, I don't doubt that. All I can suggest is that you pick a moment when the two of you can face each other, look in each other's eyes, concentrate on each other and really have a conversation. If it looks like she's checking out, don't get mad, say something to bring her back, like I Love You and I need to talk about this WITH you.

Good luck friend.

ROCK ON......Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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