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#233295 - 06/24/08 10:11 PM Why does "value" mean so much?
Junefriday Offline

Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
My survivor husband seems to be wrapped up a lot in trying to see "the value" in someone. He has made comments before about his mother (who he blames for failing to protect him from the abuse despite the fact that she didn't know) not holding any value in his eyes. He is now making such comments about me not being of any value because I can't seem to do anything right, and even of his sister-in-law of whom he once spoke very highly. He appears to have very high expectations of people all of a sudden, and if those expectations aren't met, he writes the person off as if he has no more patience or tolerance for them anymore. Does anyone have an explanation for this behaviour??

"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

#233568 - 06/25/08 08:27 PM Re: Why does "value" mean so much? [Re: Junefriday]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hi June,

I recognize the behavior. I actually started a thread about a very similar circumstance in January. I didn't use the word "value" though, it was a very un-ladylike term -- shit pile. The responses I got were very valuable. I hope they'll help you out too.

ROCK ON........Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

#233569 - 06/25/08 08:34 PM Re: Why does "value" mean so much? [Re: Trish4850]
testingWaters Offline

Registered: 07/19/06
Posts: 508
Yeah - when you are treated as though you, quite literally have no value or worth, sometimes you mimic that behavior and way of seeing. Usually cuz you are so damn mad about the whole experience.

A wild guess would say that he is just defending himself from feeling worthless himself. And the more mean he is (even though it is not ok), the more need he has to defend himself and the deeper the pain. Just a guess.

#233732 - 06/26/08 09:57 AM Re: Why does "value" mean so much? [Re: testingWaters]
Junefriday Offline

Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Thanks for all of the information Trish & TestingWaters. I agree that he is projecting and have learned to be much more confident about myself. I definitely know that I have a lot of value, whether he can see it or not. I would never have guessed that the was feeling worthless, but perhaps he doesn't know it himself.

Either way, I am having a really hard time holding on. I found out about the CSA last month. While I can certainly appreciate why he didn't tell me earlier, over the last 3 days, I have learned about 2 other significant things that he has failed to share. Each thing on its own is fine because everyone has skeletons in their closets. But, 3 major ones all at once are a little hard for me to swallow. I feel as though I am not even sure who I married anymore. It is very apparent that he doesn't understand that our relationship (ie. being married) is very different than a dating relations, and clearly he has problems with trust and vulnerability. I know this is all typical of CSA survivors, but I don't know how long I can do this.

I think I am going to have to give him a choice - either get help, or get out. I want a husband not a roommate!! I can handle the negative comments but I have a really hard time feeling as though I don't even know my husband anymore.

A really, really bad week!!!

"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.


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