I'm really sorry, this is another venting topic, I've just been feeling incredibly down all day.
sunday night I had a friend round all night to watch Dr. who. Though I've never told him about my abuse, he's a really good friend, and is uba generous, ---- heck, he spent hours making food just to bring round.
sinse yesterday though, I've just been totally down. I just can't understand what's wrong with me. i've been on this recovery business sinse november, and all it's ever caused me to do is dump problems on other people and be depressed at them.
On my good days I can think "hay, something's going right because at least I'm having! good days" but then I have points like today where everything seems to shrink to nothing and I'm just me continuing with a load of pain and memories, dumping them on other people or on this site only to get more.
What's wrong with me? So many people are incredibly kind and generous, and all I ever do is be dysmal at them.
I've got memories of my abuse coming up, of the way I felt, of shaking as soon as I walked inside the school entrance, of avoiding gangs of people in the corridors, of trying to hide my erection with a school bag just so nobody would see it and start hurting me, ---- and yet what I went through seems mild compared to some of the chaps here, ---- what is wrong with me? Am I just so weak and mysserable and useless?
Why could I ever think that anyone could ever grow to love me, ---- however much i want it, yes people are friends with me, ---- but that's just because they're kind. How could I ever think of being creative when everything I do is so pointless.
I'm here, alone and just continuing, an exercise in futility.
I know this feeling won't be perminant, that I'll get round it, that tomorrow or the next day I'll be better and my medication wil kick in, ---- but right now I think what's the point?
I'm really sorry about this, and I'm really sorry about wranting in this way and dumping everything here, ---- I've not even got a good excuse except that I'm in one of my bad places right now.