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#237761 - 07/12/08 10:18 PM Re: Fear of Women rejecting me. [Re: dangal]
alphabravo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/07
Posts: 56
Loc: Boston, MA
Thank You All. Like for all, this is very difficult for me. I want to date, but the fear controls me. I think the fear or being rejected (because of my abuse and the confusion it has left) makes me not let women in.

Does that make sense? I'm not saying its right. . .

Thomas

_________________________
Its not how far you fall, its how you land.

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#237773 - 07/12/08 11:00 PM Re: Fear of Women rejecting me. [Re: alphabravo]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
alphabravo,


My experiences started when I was three and one of the best analogies I have ever heard, and, understand, is that it is a lot like a child being exposed to lead in his environment...the longer the exposure...the more it affects you, at almost a cellular level.

Of course it is confusing...there is where you would like to be...where you see yourself right now...and this vast wasteland dividing the two. Uncertainty, loss, grief, confusion.

For us, when our experiences start so early...I think the word recovery is less about finding our way back to "before" and more about reclaiming what has been taken.

Recovery, I think, is about finding safety. Being safe, and being comfortable are not necessarily the same thing. :-)


Even "average" people are scared, nervous, anxious when dating, when starting out...a lot of the thrill and excitement in the beginning stages of any relationship are because of that.

But, I do understand, I hear what you are saying.


:-)


CD


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#237780 - 07/12/08 11:20 PM Re: Fear of Women rejecting me. [Re: alphabravo]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
alphabravo,
There is no such thing as "spoiled goods". They don't exist in any aspect of reality.
Let me tell you this. My SO and I have known each other 30 years, he never mentioned the csa until 14 years in.
He came out about the csa, 2 days after he came out to him family that he was "gay", the same day, he told me he felt he was bi-sexual because he was attracted to women, but he MUST be gay, because he only had sex with men. It's been 16 years since this, and while there have been several anonymous, one-night-stands with anonymous men, there hasn't been a single gay relationship. He sometimes even "gay-bashes" verbally, to me, quietly, when we're together. Which I've NEVER understood. To be honest.
With my SO, I think it's more same sex attraction as a result of "conditioning" from the abuse. He was 7. Part of the touch felt good, and the person touching him was a man. It never meant he liked him.
Most men, abused or otherwise, do not have an understanding of how their bodies are wired. As a nurse, let me give you 2 scenarios...
Newborn babies will get an erection being "prepped" for circumcision. They have no comprehension of sex. It's physical reaction to touch that is present from birth.
Male patients going for surgery that require a catheter. They will often get an erection prior to catheter insertion. This does not mean that they are attracted to the nurse, or that they like what's happening. It's a physical reaction to touch.
Always,
Liv



Edited by Liv2124 (07/12/08 11:21 PM)

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#237800 - 07/13/08 01:31 AM Re: Fear of Women rejecting me. [Re: Liv2124]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
As hard as it must be, you must let people in. Now, I'm not saying every person you encounter deserves the pleasure of having all of you, but with any good relationship comes work and trust. It's got be the the most terrifing thing to you, but if you find someone that seems worthy of that effort, take a leap man!! We all fall, we all fail, it's how we learn. It's not about you being less then or any such a thing. It's about trying out situations and interests till we find what's right. I don't think many of us have found that perfect person for us the first time out. I've had my heart broken, more then once. Rejection is normal to some degree for all of us. I hope you find that strength to start dating, meeting folk and trying new things. Slowly....don't rush, don't expect to much, just enjoy someone else's company. I wish you more then luck. If ever you need a pep talk just PM me. \:\)

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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