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#233038 - 06/24/08 11:22 AM Fear of Women rejecting me.
alphabravo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/07
Posts: 56
Loc: Boston, MA
I would like to get some feedback from everyone here at the board. I was first abused at the age of five then from eleven to thirteen. I was forced/tricked to be with men, boys and girls. I'm currently 31 and single. Here is my question. . .

I never really had a long term or serious romantic relationship with a women. I'm afraid I'm spoiled goods. I mean if women knew what happened to me they would not want to be with me. I feel like they will not want me, why should they?

I have been questioning my sexuality, an attraction to men, because men abused me. Men will not reject me because I was abused by men.

What do you all think?

Thanks,

Thomas



Edited by alphabravo (06/24/08 11:23 AM)
_________________________
Its not how far you fall, its how you land.

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#233193 - 06/24/08 06:51 PM Re: Fear of Women rejecting me. [Re: alphabravo]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 861
Loc: washington
i know how you feel. i went through this. i have tried to think my way through my abuse to no avail, you have to feel your way through this. i would ask you when your all alone to observe both sexes...what turns you on physically. try not to picture youself haveing sex with these people. simply what types of bodies turn you on. in my case my uncle who abused me was married to a female...ergo i must be gay...i,after a lot of soul searching identify myself as straight w\bisexual tendencies. which means i'm looking for a woman that likes to wear toys. i'm recently divorced, (the sick attract the sick.) for me i know, she is still out there and i'm not willing to settle for less. please try to by honest,open and willing to see your truth whatever that answer is. acceptance is the key at that point.as for being spoiled goods, one in three women have also been sexually molested. are you trying to tell me that all these women are damaged beyond all repair...please try and give yourself more credit.

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#233204 - 06/24/08 07:07 PM Re: Fear of Women rejecting me. [Re: 1islandboy]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 861
Loc: washington
hey alpha bravo,
see those three women sitting over there. odds are one of them was abused. i don't have the numbers in front of me...but imagine, how many people i'm talking about on a global scale. they can heal,and so can you. the best revenge is living a good life.

allies in recovery,

1island boy

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#233217 - 06/24/08 07:49 PM Re: Fear of Women rejecting me. [Re: 1islandboy]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Thomas,

First and foremost - You are not spoiled goods! Whether you choose to be with a man or a woman, I would hope that the decision is made because of who YOU are attracted to, not because one is the lesser of two evils.

Now, speaking as a woman who loves a survivor - no, I never thought of him as spoiled goods. I loved him before he disclosed. After he disclosed, I was angry, at the abusers; I was hurt by things he'd done to me and I was terribly confused, but I never thought him to be less of a man or "spoiled goods" because he'd been abused. No woman, or man, for that matter, who is worth your time would think such a thing.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#233235 - 06/24/08 08:23 PM Re: Fear of Women rejecting me. [Re: Trish4850]
alphabravo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/07
Posts: 56
Loc: Boston, MA
Thank you both for your replies. . . It means much to me and please keep them coming.

I was talking to a CSA survivor who gave me a "WOW" moment. I have heard it before, but it just sank in. My abusers NEVER gave me a choice. They told me who to be with, when and how. Not having a choice is carried with me today. I don't know what I am sexually, because this is the first time I am asking myself.

Island is correct, I need to start feeling my way threw this a bit more. Also, Trish is correct because anyone who would reject me because of the CSA is not a person I should be with. (My brain knows, but my heart still has a way to go.)

I'm still chewing the fat on this. . .

Thomas

_________________________
Its not how far you fall, its how you land.

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#233386 - 06/25/08 02:08 AM Re: Fear of Women rejecting me. [Re: alphabravo]
Lee73 Offline


Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 32
Speaking as someone who found out about my boyfriend's CSA a couple of months ago, I have to say that never once did it cross my mind that he was "spoiled goods". I think when you find someone who cares about you, they will think: You didn't ask for it, you didn't want it, and you weren't capable of protecting yourself from it happening to you. None of it was your fault. Trish is right that the right person would never think such a thing and there is no reason to be bothered with anyone who would.

Lee


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#233439 - 06/25/08 09:56 AM Re: Fear of Women rejecting me. [Re: Lee73]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Alphabravo, I can echo the thoughts of Trish and Lee. I recently found out about my husband's CSA. It shocked the hell out of me to say the least because quite honestly, he seemed "all together". But recently, things have fallen apart. I've been hurt by his treatment of me, I've been angry at his denial about the effects of the CSA, but never once have I stopped loving him and seeing him for who he really is. I have learned to look past the abuse and look AT HIM. I love what I see. The problem is that it isn't what I see that matters...it is how he sees himself that impacts our relationship.

So my advice to you is to search for someone who loves all of you. But at the same time, do what you need to do to love yourself and to believe in yourself. Believe it or not, it is contagious.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.”

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#235459 - 07/03/08 11:22 AM Re: Fear of Women rejecting me. [Re: alphabravo]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Hi Thomas!

Quote:
I was talking to a CSA survivor who gave me a "WOW" moment. I have heard it before, but it just sank in. My abusers NEVER gave me a choice. They told me who to be with, when and how. Not having a choice is carried with me today. I don't know what I am sexually, because this is the first time I am asking myself.


This is so true, but it's been hard to stay connected to the "what do I want? I am free to choose here!" piece when I am in a situation with someone and it feels sexual, like something sexual is happening. It's just so automatic to kind of see and deal with it as something that happens to me. That automatic part and everything going on with me is taking a lot of time to explore. It feels like being a teen because I really need a lot of time to figure it out.

And recently, I've been doing this with a woman I've been seeing. This is a first for me. And she's understanding of all I've been saying about this. But it's complicated. I have so many questions. All my sexual experience has been with men, starting when I was way too young to want or be ready for this. Actually, I find the teen oriented sexuality web sites (the informative, helpful one's) to be really helpful!

But it all seems like a big jumble too. Mixed in with all the complicated parts of my body, her body, misconceptions, role expectations (I'm keenly aware of expectations)-- the usual stuff -- is added to with abuse related things like strong fears, a lot of shame, bad memories, triggers and reminders.

I'm working with a therapist and just joined a men's survivor group. I expect this will take a good while, like a year or two to sort through, and I don't want to only have my girlfriend to talk to about it all.

I am the last person to give advice about women, but still I would say that being honest about all your feelings seems like something that would be really attractive to some women, and such a woman would be good for you. For me, doing this doesn't feel exactly "manly" but it feels good and my gf seems to really like this about me. I think having emotional issues ("problems") is kind of expected with women in a way. Even CSA issues. I think it's attractive to have a guy who's willing to admit, talk about honestly and take responsibility for dealing with them. Versus a guy who tries to deny it all, act strong and silent and drink to cope, avoid it, or withdraw silently or disappear somehow. That's not really being strong.

So be strong and talk about all your fears and pain. Be strong and reject those expectations to be unemotional and what you're "supposed to be" and instead stick up for yourself. You know you're not alone, and you know you will grow and get through the hard parts to something better.

My peace and friendship go out to you Thomas.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#237534 - 07/11/08 05:04 PM Re: Fear of Women rejecting me. [Re: alphabravo]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
hi thomas, i did a quick check on the statistics of women who were also abused. this follows from a conversation with my daughter's girlfriend, and i got the statistics from rainn.

the reason i am posting these is to show that, we seem to assume that women are unblemished themselves. these statistics show that anyone looking for a partner is most likely not going to find a perfect situation.

caveat: these statistics seem to be about 10 years old, but they give you a general idea of what kind of damaged goods is in the potential partner pool, so it's not just you.

Who are the Victims?

Breakdown by Gender and Age

Women


1 out of every 6 American women have been the victims of an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime (14.8% completed rape; 2.8% attempted rape).

17.7 million American women have been victims of attempted or completed rape.

9 of every 10 rape victims were female in 2003.

While about 80% of all victims are white, minorities are somewhat more likely to be attacked.


Lifetime rate of rape /attempted rape for women by race:

* All women: 17.6%
* White women: 17.7%
* Black women: 18.8%
* Asian Pacific Islander women: 6.8%
* American Indian/Alaskan women: 34.1%
* Mixed race women: 24.4%

Men

About 3% of American men — or 1 in 33 — have experienced an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime.

* In 2003, 1 in every ten rape victims were male.
* 2.78 million men in the U.S. have been victims of sexual assault or rape.

Children


15% of sexual assault and rape victims are under age 12.

* 29% are age 12-17.
* 44% are under age 18.
* 80% are under age 30.
* 12-34 are the highest risk years.
* Girls ages 16-19 are 4 times more likely than the general population to be victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault.

7% of girls in grades 5-8 and 12% of girls in grades 9-12 said they had been sexually abused.

* 3% of boys grades 5-8 and 5% of boys in grades 9-12 said they had been sexually abused.

In 1995, local child protection service agencies identified 126,000 children who were victims of either substantiated or indicated sexual abuse.

* Of these, 75% were girls.
* Nearly 30% of child victims were between the age of 4 and 7.

93% of juvenile sexual assault victims know their attacker.

* 34.2% of attackers were family members.
* 58.7% were acquaintances.
* Only 7% of the perpetrators were strangers to the victim.

you are even less alone than you think! it just makes you wonder what keeps it all from falling apart?

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#237708 - 07/12/08 05:51 PM Re: Fear of Women rejecting me. [Re: Sans Logos]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Alpha~
Hello, Just chiming in here. My husband didn't tell me about his abuse because he thought I would leave him...he's made comments about "isn't it kinda gay" and why would you want to stay with that....I love that man more today then I've ever loved him. Knowing what's he's overcome and who's he's trying to be just makes me love him deeper. He's not damaged goods, Nor are you \:\)

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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