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#232795 - 06/23/08 04:03 PM HIV and Isolation
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
I do not know about how others deal with HIV. But i feel isolated. The day that i found out that i was HIV+ i deleted my profile from a dating site for singles.

I changed my phone number so that none of the women that i had been exchanging messages with could call me. My blood is poisoned and is death. I cannot marry and have kids. Yeah the sperm can be washed to free it of HIV.I would have to be honest with the woman and tell her out right that i am HIV+, that would end it pretty quick.

I feel empty and i feel as if i have no identity. I do not want to date HIV+ women - be like a HIV+ only club. so what of the future? i do not have a future. My only companion in life is my intense hatred and anger.

I do give in sometimes to my emotions and hate myself for it. some happiness shines through the dark sky and their is a drop of a tear now and then, but this is quickly converted to hate, anger and aggression.

I feel so alone(so stupid!!!!!!!!) ................................. I am only crying on the inside...



Edited by duncanUK (06/23/08 04:26 PM)
_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

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#232819 - 06/23/08 04:59 PM Re: HIV and Isolation [Re: duncanUK]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
You're not alone Duncan and not stupid at all.

Though hiv does give a significant challenge to a relationship - you will meet the right woman who will love you for you and not for your hiv status.

Peace.

Mark

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#232857 - 06/23/08 09:25 PM Re: HIV and Isolation [Re: markgreyblue]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
hey duncan,
Sounds like you are in a funk. I don't know if this will help, but there are a lot of info on this site about coping, and depression.

http://www.thebody.com/index/mental/coping.html

I dont have any words of wisdom, other than, i've been there. I know it sucks. i know its scary. i know it totally makes you want to just fucking die and not deal with it. it seems easier that way. but check out the site. they might have some useful things for you.


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#233137 - 06/24/08 03:54 PM Re: HIV and Isolation [Re: Jarrad]
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Hello Jarrad,

thank you for the info. I read some more on the site. It would seem that i cannot enter the USA because i am HIV+. There goes my holiday. Get so depressing.

Duncan

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

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#233286 - 06/24/08 09:53 PM Re: HIV and Isolation [Re: duncanUK]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
i think it depends on how long you plan to stay duncan. and, you could always lie. \:\)


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#233348 - 06/25/08 12:05 AM Re: HIV and Isolation [Re: Jarrad]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
just a side note too, depression is huge in both HIV and CSA. are you seeing a therapist?


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#233496 - 06/25/08 02:34 PM Re: HIV and Isolation [Re: Jarrad]
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Jarrad,

I should be seeing someone of the 11th July and carry it on from there. I try and "accept" the HIV as part of me now - i dont know how else to cope with it.

I kept telling myself that its nothing , but in the end it became too much and on the day i was suppose to get the meds i fell apart. The doctor who i see at the clinic has advised me to see some psychologists there so that my mind can be in the right place when i get the meds.

I feel trapped thou. I had thought about camping/backpacking in one of the national parks - say yellowstone - prob next year now but i dont want to get turned away because of my status. So i will lie about what the meds are for. its the only way.

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

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#233574 - 06/25/08 08:48 PM Re: HIV and Isolation [Re: duncanUK]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
take it one day at a time. first step, talk to a therapist. he/she can help you out with all these new werid emotions. its not something you can do by yourself.

you are your own worst enemy. its a mental disease more than anything.


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#233816 - 06/26/08 02:29 PM Re: HIV and Isolation [Re: Jarrad]
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Hello Jarrad,

Thank you for the reply. Iam counting the days down to see the psychologists etc... its like wishing time away i also want August to hurry up as to see what the status of my immune system is like.

I have told them about my nightmares and they have suggested i draw them but i am rubbish at drawing things but i will try. i told them about the werewolves and the people without any faces that i am trying to protect from the werewolves.

I can remember the nightmares in detail and how the situation in them changes very fast, there is also the film "I AM LEGEND" that touched me in a way that no film has ever done.

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

Top
#233884 - 06/26/08 07:48 PM Re: HIV and Isolation [Re: duncanUK]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
i think once you get situated with a good therapist you can work through some of the shit with both CSA and HIV. both are daunting. i can't really offer advice only to keep talking about it.


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#250981 - 09/24/08 10:26 PM Re: HIV and Isolation [Re: Jarrad]
Davesc Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 67
Loc: NJ
Hi Guys, this is the first time On as a mamber. I went crazy with sex and am now pos. I started a support group at my church. It helps to have others around who are in the same boat. Hiding it is the worst part of HIV. I am married and my wife and pastor are the only one who know. She has stayed by me , God only knows why. The people I have met through the group are great. This is the first time I have ever talked to others about the early sexualization through abuse. It has really messed me up . In more ways than one.

_________________________
Davesc
_______________________________________
Thankful Wor Kirkridge Alumni Oct 2008

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#251048 - 09/25/08 02:25 PM Re: HIV and Isolation [Re: Davesc]
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Hi Davesc

Welcome to MS. Your wife sounds like a very good person to have stayed with you. I tend not to tell too many people about myself as some people are quick to jump to conclusions if you tell them that you are HIV+.

Duncan

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

Top
#251852 - 09/29/08 02:39 PM Re: HIV and Isolation [Re: duncanUK]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Dave,

Welcome to MS and I'm glad you found us. You will find a great bunch of guys here, including some who will know exactly what you are going through. Take it easy and let yourself get used to the site at your own pace. There's a lot on offer here!

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#256645 - 10/21/08 04:22 AM Re: HIV and Isolation [Re: roadrunner]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
Hi Duncan,
I haven't been on the site in months for some health reasons (recovering from back surgery)which was a long process and I was in a funk and not thinking about much more than healing. I also was not thinking about sex or past abuse.

I am also positive for 23 years and not sexually active. I have been realizing my own fear about sexual involvement. I am definitely affected by fear of intimacy because of abuse and being positive. I have also been abstinent for many many months.

My point is to share understanding and to remind you that you are not alone. There is hope and I logged in today because I recognize my own issues of insecurity that I am contaminated and damaged. I am starting to think about sex and intimacy but I am afraid. While that may be true, I counter those notions with knowing I must change my outlook and continue healing, and accepting myself. That is a big awareness Duncan. Change your outlook or the view is pretty Grey.

Your post reminds me to be gentle with ourselves. I am sorry any of us are affected by past abuse or some of us have HIV/AIDS. However, I am happy your wife has stayed with you and hope you find comfort in that and feel support from here and many of the members here.

Isolation starts in the mind from our own thoughts. Often our thoughts are so negative and fear based, that we build our own prisons. Perhaps when we try opening our hearts and minds to allow ourselves to be loved, accept help and embrace our support more than we embrace our pain, we can move toward a better life and a better place...even if just briefly.

I hope all of us and especially you can find some comfort and see better days, because we deserve that as much as anyone. For whatever reasons you became positive they likely were connected to a way of coping. Sexual acting out is often a coping mechanism and how we felt valued. That is not the only reason in some cases but it was how we acted and and survived.

You have taken some big steps coming here and I applaud you for your courage. I think we all understand your pain and uncertainty. This is work! But you are worth the effort involved, and certainly not alone. I am not sure I am helping you but please try to know you can get through this and it will be a journey full of highs and lows. But in time and with effort, you can get to a better place more than being stuck in a lousy place. Hang in there and know you will get through one day at a time.

Peace to you always,
Dan

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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#256693 - 10/21/08 12:52 PM Re: HIV and Isolation [Re: Danbuff]
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Hi Dan

I have completely gone off the idea of sex..... i do not like to be touched either. I want it, but the idea scares me.

I wanted to be able to date women and for a while i was on a singles dating site until i found out i was HIV+. I wish i did have a wife etc..... but i do not.

all i see are bug storm clouds on the horizon and they are slowly getting closer. I do not know how long i can hold myself together; everyday is difficult. Taking those drugs on time.

I do feel isolated because some people tend to judge you if you tell them you are HIV+. I recently told a friend at work via text because i could not do it face to face.

I will know on the 10th November if the drugs have donw what they are supposed to do - but having said that i have not been taking them properly and also stopped taking them all together.

I wish i could delete the pass. I have made friends with some of the other hiv+ people at the clinic but i hate it. it seems like an "hiv+" only club. the past is my future and i dont have one, as far as i am concerned.

i will carry on doing things but getting involved with someone will only do damage.


duncan

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

Top
#256783 - 10/21/08 08:28 PM Re: HIV and Isolation [Re: duncanUK]
oriolesguy Offline


Registered: 08/12/08
Posts: 106
Loc: Long Island, NY
Duncan....
I just read your post. Unlike you I am not HIV+, but I can tell you this.

You have a power that no one else has. You can tell people FIRSTHAND what it's like to have this, as only you can describe. As a teacher I can tell teenagers about this stuff till I'm blue.... and it doesn't matter. YOU, my friend, have the potential to make a vast difference in MANY LIVES.

I had a good buddy in college, an athlete like myself, who had HIV and passed away, but before he did, he acted on it. He did some wonderful things that some still talk about (he passed away in 1996). That's power, and influence. I don't think I'll ever have that, no matter how long I teach.

Please consider using that potential. Use your time. See a silver lining. Take the lemons and make lemonade. You don't know how many lives you can touch.

Godspeed, my friend...

Oriolesguy


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#265611 - 12/06/08 11:54 AM Re: HIV and Isolation [Re: oriolesguy]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
Hi Duncan,
I want to know where you are these days. Please keep hope alive and know you are not alone. Send me an email if that is better for you. I just wanted to say hello and check in. That is all for now. I encourage you to post on the boards, others may see it and have the right message or connect in some way better than I. But if private messaging is better, then please keep me posted.
Warmly,
Dan

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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#265748 - 12/07/08 07:45 AM Re: HIV and Isolation [Re: Danbuff]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
Duncan my brother,
At the end of this post, I have pasted a link about the USA easing travel restrictions on HIV+ foreigners entering the US. But I want to speak to the effects of your behavior. It is not just about you. We are here, often in pain seeking and offering support to one another. You my friend are not the first young man with rage and pain. Try and understand for a moment that you are hurting people who care about you whether you believe it or not and whether you know them or not. The world is not filled only with evil people. There are multitudes of genuinely good and loving people. Rejecting them hurts them in ways you may not care about. I guarantee you they love you in ways you cannot imagine, accept and understand. Give them a chance by giving yourself a chance.

I am between anger and sadness with you because you are obviously so wounded and you are hurting others who have compassion and empathy for you, but mostly you are hurting yourself. I do not know you beyond this site but you affect me and countless others through your painful and veiled cries in anguish. We feel love for you and sometimes feel disgust that you are playing Russian roulette in front of us. Please reconsider what your doing. Of course it is always a choice we have whether or not to continue a course of therapy for anything.

I am positive since 1985 when I was infected in London and sat frozen in fear for over a year after diagnosis until I began treatment in 1987. I think I understand you in some ways. I have lost many friends and know many more who never had the chance to take the cocktails before 1996.

I am fortunate to be alive even if life actually sucks some times but my inner life force is stronger than the pain. I could give you a list of the ugliness but it changes nothing that happened or what I deal with now. The truth is today is all that matters and I know people need me in spite of my own crap.

Whenever I begin feeling sorry for myself or hating my life or who I am, I surrender to the darkness. That is allowing the bastards to win and control me. Then I say enough. I am no longer a victim unless I allow it now because I am an adult with a voice and I am able to stop it. Sometimes I require assistance but I refuse to give some one or something power over me.

Duncan make this about you and not what others will think or say. Stand up for yourself and get your life back. It can be wonderful. It is hard work but you will begin to feel your power can be greater than them or it...whoever and whatever they are.

Stop the madness and choose life. Even if you think it sucks, do it for those who suffer in silence,who suffer more and have no voice. Do it for them who have no choice because you actually do have a choice.

Here is the link to the story. I wish you love and success.
Dan
http://www.iolhivaids.co.za/index.php?from=rss_IOL&fArticleId=4637151

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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#265751 - 12/07/08 08:01 AM Re: HIV and Isolation [Re: Danbuff]
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
*** DELETED ***

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

Top
#372481 - 10/15/11 05:22 PM Re: HIV and Isolation [Re: duncanUK]
aeon jiminy Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 6
I spend most of my time in online fantasy and chat.


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