hows this for a flash, i circle around and around slowly sometimes fast, its black every where,in the middle of this is a moving picture,looks like mid-day sunshinny warm ,green leaves, lots of trees like in the woods, a dry dusty two-track, just off the side are two bodies one looks like a child on his stomach, no knees, no his liying two feet in the road just over the hump that leads into the grass off the road, hes not looking for anything,hes holding on to something, cant tell his eyes are shut to tight,but the larger body pressed up against him, his eyes are open seeing what he is doing, hes got something stuck in the others body, moving it back and forth like dancing, theres tears coming out of the others eyes,he dont look so good,dont look like he feels good ether...

GRAPTHIC MAY TRIGGER


Real bad one on Sat. night...make that the day into the night...all fucken night and the next day...wore me out to the point of wishing that I was dead. With all this talk of anal sex...my old lady dicided to do it a while back...me doing her when I coul;d get hard enough...with a little toy store help. Now we starting doing it with her bent over the bed and both of us standing...high hand made bed. After a while with the pounding I started to flash big time. I went from myself a 12YO being abused to the mind of the abuser, then to an on-looker! I had to stop but the flashs didn't for like 24 hours! The same dam thing over and over...I think that I can remember that one! Just fell apart when it stoped...had to take a lot of pain pills from my elbow operation to get to this point. Don't think that I want to do that again!!!!!!!

Eddie

I started flashing, maybe three months ago. (also smoked heaps of pot). At first it really freaked me out. It left me very bewieldered, lost and confused. To make matters worse, my own therapist downplayed the issue of SA when I first tried to speak to him....
anyway, the point is this. I have never been more thankful for anything in my entire life. Before, I felt like I was wondering around in circles, with no understanding or point. After having flashbacks which I have now started piecing together, I feel like jejoicing some times. I'm still dealing with huge anger, depression, loneliness, sexual identity rah rah arh, and probably will be for a while. but at least I know who I am.
It has explained so much to me.

The worst thing in the world for me? That I wouldn;t have remembered.

Far fucken out; someone the gets down with his flashbacks and is thankfull for them!!! I know that that is the smartest way to go because it answers alot about your life. You must be really smart or I'm a complete dumb fuck....Has anyone else been flashing for 3 months and come up with heavy shit like this ? Now that's something I've really like to know !!!!!

Eddie

Hey Brett, I had my flashback due to smoking pot, too.

Eddie, you said that your flashbacks got worse when you took lots of pain pills, right?

It seems like the more relaxed our brains get, the easier it is for us to remember all this shit. It's got to be exhausting to cover up all this horrible stuff in the past. Maybe that's why I've always been so tired.

My flashback occurred when I smoked out for the first time in about a year, but I had the same compulsion to talk about what was on my mind the other times I smoked out; I was just in mixed company, and not with people I trusted. This time I was with my cousin, and my best friend, so I trusted them implicitly.

And that opened the door. I went to counseling the 2 days later, and my therapist suggested that I shouldn't be smoking any more marijuana. I agreed, because I was sure that I would have another flashback if I did.

However, the memory has faded considerably into the background in the weeks since I first had it. I almost feel just like I did, before I remembered it. Since I had repressed it all in the first place, I wonder if this is a bad thing after all?

I've passed up on so many opportunities to smoke out since then. I wonder if I should do it anyway, just to make some headway on dealing with my past.

I would rather deal with the reality of my situation (that's what my brain says), than the fantasy that everything is all right, and that I made it up (the "safe place" that my heart has gotten used to). It'll take some time to get my heart and mind on the same page.

J
We're in this together.

Getting high and getting flashbacks....Sounds about right...My flashbacks had slowed way down to almost a stop then wam, I get hit by lots of them and really bad ones. This all started a few days after having my elbow operation and really staying screwed up on pain pills...now I run out and they stop ??? I wanted to call the doctor for more pills but if I'm going to flash my brains out...NO THANKS !!!! I have flashed enough to remember and unlike Brett I'm not too happy about finding out. I guess it is good to know why I have lived such a strange life. Hey J you may want to smoke your brains out and find out what happened! Brett, That was real sharp thinking on your part. I've been flashing for over a year now and never came up with that one or if I did it was forgotten. I hope that you are young and in good enough shape to take this shit, your 3 months may just be the tip of the icebrige!

Eddie

Believe me, I've considered it. For now, I'll try the "traditional" methods like counseling, journal writing, and keeping comforting friends about.

However, if I don't see any developments, it may be time to ignore doctor's orders...

I'm not at that point yet. We'll see.

J
We're in this together.

I had exactly the same reaction from my therapist. Heres the deal, I'm freaking the fuck out because i'm reliving the experience of my father raping me after having had total amnesia of the event for 20 years.

And all my therapist had to say (heres the punch line) "stop smoking marijuana"

Now, if i had to weigh up the mental effects of marijuana on one side, and the mental effects of being sodomised as a boy on the other... so, I'm still smoking. and on monday, i;m going to find a better therapist, hopefully one that understands about sa, flashes etc.

Be careful though,smokind dope is a great way to get in-touch with your sub-concious. make sure trusting people are around afterwards so you can talk through the experiences you had. Take your time.

BTW, anyone here live in Sydney Australia. Would desperately love to reach out and meet someone.

Discovering this group; its like the biggest hug I've had in my life... but better.

I agree...let the flashbacks set you free!!!! Brett, what you said about getting a new therapist is the best idea. It was hard for me to understand this, so I got drove nuts by a therapist unexperienced with MALE SA. Once I found one, it made all the difference in the world. You will never be OK with the SA until you see all the flashbacks and process them...remember them...so you can pull them up and study them. You my have to write them down but telling someone is good to. My therapist says that they have to come out, even if you have to force them or they will never leave you alone! The only bad thing about smoking pot and this shit is that pot efects the same area of the brain that the anti-depresion meds efect...so if you are on meds the pot screws with the efect of the meds...I still smoke which does make me more depressed. My therapist just told me not to change anything that I do...for now..until I get the PTSD under more control! He also said that it is better for the PTSD to smoke $1,000 of pot then to drink one case of beer...now there is a cool therapist!!!!!!!!

Eddie