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#307434 - 10/21/09 08:20 AM sans logos says [#30: little ron] [Re: Sans Logos]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
it's not easy. i have lost motivation and impetus to propel me forward into the new day. a bit stuck in the molasses of transitional spaces. wrote a poem the other day while spending time away from the interference of visual media:

how. could. you?
how could you leave me
alone at the door
in the cold
with the rain
pelting down my back?

how. could. you?

how could you?
how could you leave me like that
in a nest
of relentless
suffocating
dark devices

wondering

where were you?
i pounded and pawed
scratched and i clawed
for you to come
but my pleas
pregnant with hope
dashed in slow motion
to the ground
as the sinking revelation
overtook me
like an unwitnessed death
this terrible truth

there was no you

i was alone

how could you?

how.

could.

you?

in the trance of this poem, i was empathizing with my brother in law's dog who loves to yelp and whine when she wants let into the house. my trance made me identify with her feelings of abandonment, and i realized as i was writing the poem that it was being written to several people: my mother, first.

i wrote it to my mother to express the sense of abandonment felt as a young child ron. ron the infant and ron the toddler. stuck in a playpen, an unengaged and passive watcher. wanting desperately to be let out, to join in the fun and festivities with her and my older brother. but nope, i was just left there to witness the blossoming relationship between my mother and my older brother, my perp. yea, i imagined myself inside the brain of that dog and i could definitely relate. cry


_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#307438 - 10/21/09 08:49 AM sans logos says [#31: were you cherished?] [Re: Sans Logos]
Sans Logos Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
...... to listen


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#307440 - 10/21/09 08:58 AM sans logos says [#32: letting go idealized family] [Re: Sans Logos]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
...... to listen


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#307737 - 10/23/09 02:07 PM sans logos says [#33: the wounded critic] [Re: Sans Logos]
Sans Logos Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
...... to listen


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#308302 - 10/27/09 09:48 AM sans logos says [#34 roots of my adonis complex] [Re: Sans Logos]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
...... to listen


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#310624 - 11/16/09 11:40 AM sans logos says [#35: the "C" word] [Re: Sans Logos]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
kay suggested i write about the 'c' word.... you know...... control.

i've been scratching my head and drumming my fingers all week about this, and finding it difficult to begin to talk about it. hmmmm...... where to begin .... where to begin ... where to begin.....

maybe with a definition? 1. To exercise authoritative or dominating influence over.

that conjures up a feeling reaction similar to being grabbed violently by the arm and either being forced to perform a behavior, or being restrained from some action. force and restraint; rigidity and no room for compromise or flexibility.

from one perspective, the element of control contains a capacity for contrasting characterizations. one, resulting in force and rigidity, and the other aspect, more cooperative and conjoining.

actually i prefer the gentler implications of the word: conduct: 1. To guide the course of; manage or direct.

however in this context, it appears control, in one sense, is about a dominant force exercising power over a weaker, more submissive object/subject. so there's the inroad for my discussion on 'control'. how did control impact my life, with me being the weaker force having power exerted upon me by a stronger force? how and why did i develop coping strategies in reaction to the experience of being encroached upon as a victim of someone's control pressure, the exertion of their will over me as a dominating force? did i fight, freeze or flee?

looking back into the origins of my life, where patterns of response and reactivity would have had their genesis, i can clearly see how the mode of response would have been 'freeze', for me. the first perceived encroaching force would have been that of my parental figures who would enforce their wishes upon me, and who would use force as a regulating mechanism in order to get me to adjust to their behavioral expectations.

prior to language, sensory impressions registered as an overload of sight, hearing, touch: big, looming, punishing, angry, threatening forms, emitting their scary powerful energy at me, tense facial expressions, violent physical contact, loud words with clicking consonants spit out, their volatile energy resonating against the target of my soul. barking out do's and don't's; orders and warnings of consequence: do, or die. nothing tender in contrast to balance or neutralize the impact of the fierce,fearsome temperamental energy thrust upon me.

no options, but to conform. no way out. nowhere to run to escape the raging storm of 'influence'. a helpless dependent infant creature, powerless to do anything but to conform to the demands of the powerful force overseeing my life. what would such an infant creature do? how would such an infanct creature defend itself against such affront? it could not escape [no legs yet]. where would it go even if there was an option for egress? no, there was no way out. all the infant creature could do, was abandon its own need set, and replace it with conformity to that of powerful overlords. it would become scared silent, and rendered impotent to express its own life force. eventually, it would have worn the yoke of suppression for so long, that it would forget it ever had a choice to begin with.

its power had never been recognized, nurtured, and honored; never encouraged; but rather, was stripped; replaced and supplanted with the will of the 'governers' of the system in which it had been born and bred: a system of rewards and consequences.

even before language develops as a means of communication, the creature learns not to touch that hot oven, or bear the consequences. if it is docile enough, it learns very quickly, that to insist on having its needs met is suicide. so, out of fear of being punished and/or deserted, in order to protect itself, and advance its own survival, it yields and ultimately surrenders to the power of force, which establishes, shapes, enforces and reinforces and conforms its patterns of relating to power systems that demand adherence, or risk rejection, abandonment and obliteration. it is rendered devoid of its own power.

then....the child turns two. all that in perhaps less than 700 days of reinforced treatment. thus describes the situation of a life born and groomed in the factory of such a controlling governance.

and so, the stage is set for repeating lifelong patterns of self abandonment, retreat from aggression, avoidance, and isolation. curiosity is strangled; creativity crushed. the creature becomes an automaton taking it cues for survival from powers that would control and curtail its highest expectations and deepest aspiration: to be and to become a person, fully human and alive.

my head hurts now ..... to be continued...

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#310666 - 11/16/09 11:20 PM sans logos says [ #36 PTS uncovered ] [Re: Sans Logos]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
...... to listen


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#310704 - 11/17/09 09:07 AM sans logos says [#37: anchors ] [Re: Sans Logos]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
...... to listen


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#318288 - 01/09/10 08:07 AM sans logos says [#38: belonging] [Re: Sans Logos]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
...... to listen


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#318348 - 01/09/10 06:38 PM Re: sans logos says [#38: belonging] [Re: Sans Logos]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2435
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brother.

Yep! belonging, i tried my best to always be accepted by others (belonging), to a person or a group, or whatever.

I belonged, in the Air Force. I belonged with my brothers in arms, as for there i knew i would not ever be abandoned, never.

When I retired from the Air Force, i had the feelings of abandonment.
I felt like i was abandoned, as i no longer belonged to anything.
All of a sudden you are Mr. Nobody, you are nothing, and once again you had to start over.

But to belong again, at first you had to be accepted. And for us sexually abused boys, now men. It is a very difficult task indeed.

So, once again I am in a place where i belong.
I was accepted into a group of boys, now men. I was accepted by my peers.
I finally found a place where i really belonged.I came as a stranger. And I found a group of brothers, who were just like me. We share our fears. We share our inner most SECRETS. We share our pain & sorrow. We share our guilt & shame, for things that we were not responsible for. We share our tears.

Be it right here in this web site, or those wonderful Weekends of Recoveries, i have found a place where i BELONG.
I have a piece of my brothers souls in mine. I consider them my fraternal family.

I will not be abandoned, because this is where i BELONG.

Hope that this made some sense.

Heal well my brothers, heal well.

Little Pete & big Pete..but 1 (Irishmoose).



Edited by petercorbett (01/09/10 06:44 PM)
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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