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#231822 - 06/19/08 09:20 AM sans logos says.......
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Not where it began, but where it ended:


©


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#231829 - 06/19/08 10:17 AM Re: sans logos says....... [Re: Sans Logos]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Ron,

That emotion of fear has got to be one of the worst for survivors, and I bet we all recall it's terrible impact on us when we were abused as boys. I remember fear becoming just an ordinary part of how things were - afraid all the time.

There's a poem in the archive that sums it up and I fished it out. You may recall seeing it when it was first posted by James/Jokersloose some years ago:


Fear

I sit and wonder why
I sit and wonder who
I sit and just wonder
I feel it swell in me
The fear
My friend
My companion
The only thing I can trust
It never leaves me
It never lies to me
The only thing that has always been there
It has to be my friend
My trusted friend
The only thing I could tell everything too
The only one that has never told on me
The only one that has never broke my trust
“I’m your friend” it says
“we will always be together”
“I’m the only one that really loves you”
“I will never leave you”
“ We will be together forever”
“I will never leave you”
Fear
My friend, companion, my trusted ear to talk to
How would I live without you
I would be alone
Totally alone
I wouldn’t have anyone without you
How could I ask you to leave?
You were the one that comforted me
All those nights
All those tears
All the pain
All the shame
You were always there for me
Even the times I didn’t know your were there
You carried me through
You are my only true friend

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#231887 - 06/19/08 01:15 PM Re: sans logos says....... [Re: roadrunner]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
...... to listen


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#231889 - 06/19/08 01:37 PM sans logos says....... 2 [Re: Sans Logos]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
...... to listen


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#232085 - 06/20/08 05:02 AM Re: sans logos says....... 2 [Re: Sans Logos]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Ron:

I used to carry the fear all over with me. I tried so hard to hide it. I used to wear my black leather security blanket everywhere I went, plus my attitude said F___ YOU all over my face. It isn't any wonder that I wasn't offered too many good jobs for a number of years. It took many years to leave my fears behind.

Remember the old hill on US40 coming into Uniontown? I had to go that way once in 1979 with a load of flammable paint. At the top of the hill was a big red sign that said how many people had been killed on that hill. 4 miles of 10% grade, with two runaway ramps that looked like farm paths up into the trees, then it was half a dozen stoplights down a steep hill with parallel-parked cars and 100 year-old buildings right up on the sidewalk. And to make matters worse, the brakes were getting mushy. There was no place to pull off for safety. I had 4,400 gallons of flammable white runway paint.

I don't know why, but all of the lights were green, and nobody opened their door or was trying to back in to a parking spot. I made it look good even though I was scared to death. All of that being in public over many years sure helped to fix that fear thing. Along with my nearly 5 years in therapy. These days I go into a public restroom and half the guys in there quickly look at the floor and scurry out of the way. First impressions are important, and if you look and act like you mean business, it will go a lot better for you.

Walk with confidence. Make eye contact. Make them look away first. And just when they look down throw them completely off guard and say something nice in a deep booming voice. That is my time-honored tradition for public contact. You wouldn't believe how many people have fallen for that one.

TM

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#232103 - 06/20/08 07:51 AM Re: sans logos says....... 2 [Re: Trucker51]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
...... to listen


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#232189 - 06/20/08 12:45 PM Re: sans logos says....... 2 [Re: Sans Logos]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Relearning old destructive behaviors is something that we all have to work on. Once you start 'acting as if' and you begin to believe in yourself, it no longer is an just an act, it does become a part of you.

I spent too much of my life acting as if nothing happened and I felt broken; then I started therapy at 50. Now I know that what happened was not my fault, that I am a whole person and I started acting more confidently in my life. Now I am more confident in my life.

Take good care of yourself, you're the only you that you've got.

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#232197 - 06/20/08 01:15 PM Re: sans logos says.......3 [Re: Sans Logos]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
...... to listen


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#232295 - 06/20/08 10:25 PM Re: sans logos says.......3 [Re: Sans Logos]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Ron:

Some of that is aging, some of it is progress in recovery. Some of it might be ADD. I loose my keys almost everyday even though I almost always put them in the same place. I live in a 2,400 sq. ft. house that is hardly big enough for all of the stuff. Imagine trying to find your keys in there.

Many years ago I used a visual trick, to get me from the point where I was almost too frightened to hold eye contact with anyone, to the point where I didn't need it anymore. It used to feel like other people's eyes were burning a hole in my brain. That is a dead giveaway, unfortunately, when you can't hold eye contact.

I trained myself to quickly focus on a spot 10 to 20 feet or more behind the person. It would only take a second to look away and then re-focus to a greater depth. When you look back they look really blurry and they will never know either. That worked for about 15 years until I was about age 30.

A had a drink tonight with dinner. Good vodka with a mixer. but it was my first drink in 6 days, when I last went out to eat last weekend. And when we left, there was still an inch left in the bottom. It is a huge amount of improvement since the excessive days of hard drugs, slamming lots of alcohol, and driving home all messed-up.

Anyhow, try what I said with eye contact. There is an old AA saying: "Fake it til you make it". It is so true.

TM

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#232354 - 06/21/08 08:15 AM Re: sans logos says....... 4 [Re: Sans Logos]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
...... to listen


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