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#232122 - 06/20/08 08:55 AM Re: what do you fear the most? [Re: jcf1957]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Death to me has always been frightening... because it will end the joy I have in being with the ones I love - I cherish my relationships with others above all else, and the end to that is overwhelmingly sad...

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#232123 - 06/20/08 08:57 AM Re: what do you fear the most? [Re: jcf1957]
JasonSmalls Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 142
Loc: NJ
I been thinking about this question for actually longer than it was posted. My T asked me a couple weeks ago what I fear the most, and in group we were asked to share with each other our fears. I didn't really say anything because I don't know. I guess that sounds weird because almost everybody on the planet fears something and they'd be able to tell you right away. I just have to think about it.

So here goes nothing. These are the things I've thought of that I fear:

1)Moths. (Don't ask me why. I have no idea. A moth can send me into a panic attack just as fast as anything else.

2)Not having my grandpa around. My grandmom died in Feb., and it kind of hit me like I was thinking that my grandpa is pretty old and I might not have him in my life much longer. That's actually a HUGE fear. It makes me very emotional even considering the thought.

3)I fear that I'll never find someone to spend my life with and to fall in love with who truly understands and accepts everything about me. I mean, I see like wives of survivors and stuff on this board and I read stories about how hard it is on them and their kids and stuff, and I just fear that I will make it too hard on my lover and he won't be able to handle all of my bullshit.

4)I fear that I will always be like this. I worry that I'll always be an emotional basketcase and that I'll never be able to get past my problems.

5)I fear that some of the things my taker made me do has affected other people and they are struggling just like I am to figure things out.

6)I fear that the next panic attack I have is the one that freaks me out for good and drives me to the nut house.

My grandpa says that when he dies he wants two things written on his headstone, "No Regrets!" and "He Just Wanted To Be Known Always As A Good Man." I kind of wonder alot if he regrets ever taking me in and having to deal with everything, because I know I haven't been the perfect grandson and that alot of other grandparents don't have to deal with this shit. I think when you retire from your job and you get older, you should be able to just sit back and relax and enjoy life. But I kind of get in the way of that and I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry for that.

I want to be known as a good man too!
Well that's my emotional rollercoaster for today. It wasn't easy writing all that, but I had to.

Peace out!
Joey


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#232132 - 06/20/08 09:27 AM Re: what do you fear the most? [Re: JasonSmalls]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Joey,

I'm so glad you wrote all that down and hit "submit". Talking about things is already a start towards facing those fears and removing their power to harm you. In fact, all those fears you mentioned will be addressed by your T and all of them can be resolved.

On your Grandpa, know what I hope you will do? Go find him, sit down, and talk about exactly what you said above:

Quote:
I kind of wonder a lot if he regrets ever taking me in and having to deal with everything, because I know I haven't been the perfect grandson and that a lot of other grandparents don't have to deal with this shit. I think when you retire from your job and you get older, you should be able to just sit back and relax and enjoy life. But I kind of get in the way of that and I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry for that.

Don't sit in silence with your feelings about how you are affecting him. I felt the same way when I told my Dad about the abuse; I was 56, he was 80, and I wondered if telling him would actually harm him. But when I told him he was happy that I had broken the secret and he has been there for me ever since. He says he will never be too old to be my Dad, and I bet George will tell you he will never be too old to be the Grandpa you need.

That's the way it is in a safe caring family, Joey. You always want to be there for your kids, nieces and nephews, and grandchildren. They are the most important priorities in your life. You matter to your Grandpa because you are Joey.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#232156 - 06/20/08 10:35 AM Re: what do you fear the most? [Re: jcf1957]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
Fear? I fear that everything that I have told my therapist, my family, the guys here, everything that I believed happened was my imagination. I fear being insane, but I also fear that what I experienced really is true. I fear that there is no end to the pain. I fear that some day I will kill myself to find peace only to find out that there isn't any. I fear God hates me as much or more than I think he already does.


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#232178 - 06/20/08 12:21 PM Re: what do you fear the most? [Re: jcf1957]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
in my early years i used to fear death, but as i have navigated the struggles of my life, and celebrated many joyful victories, realized long lost hope, i also realize god has many good ideas, and this life here on this physical plane, is NOT his best idea. he has yet to show his hand; we will all revel in joy someday.

it is hard to talk about god, especially when he is supposed to be such a compassionate creator [ and that, i believe, he is ]. i feel badly about the peoples he made who were born, and possibly thru no design of their own got sucked into a vortex of evil from which they could not escape, and end up doing terrible things in life that most of us would never consider doing. i myself did not wake up one day and say:' hmmmmm, let's see...... what sins i can commit today, against myself and others'. there but for the grace of god go i....

nothing is ever as simple as i want to believe it to be

thanks for the interesting sidecar thread

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#232181 - 06/20/08 12:32 PM Re: what do you fear the most? [Re: Sans Logos]
TJ jeff Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3362
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
WOW - what a question...

the thing I fear the most...

that mom was actualy right in the things she used to say about me

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#232216 - 06/20/08 02:16 PM Re: what do you fear the most? [Re: TJ jeff]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1927
Loc: durham, north england
Hmmmm jcf, I'm not sure about the dark night of the soul. for me, the fear of just existing without feeling, creating or understanding, just being utterly alone with myself and disengaged from everything isn't exactly spiritual, sinse it's not precisely tied to abandonment by God, it's more a fear of no longer being able to experience the world or feelings from it, to miss out on creation and pleasure and everything that makes life worth living, and just end up hanging in blackness alone with myself.

i also have something of jason's fear of never finding someone, but I'm not sure if that is a fear. It started out as hope, and a good thing, then gradually dived into resignation and synicism about the hole subject of love, and as I've said it was falling in love with **** which made me realize I needed to open the recovery box.

now, i'm hoping that if I can deal with my own feelings and learn to recognize the feelings of others, ----- not to mention jumping a mile if anyone (especially girls), touches me, it'll make finding someone easier. though i freely admit that on my bad days i do slip into disparing of this ever happening, but I wouldn't describe it as a fear.

I'm also not sure whether my trigger reactions about the S word or physical contact actually count as fears, sinse their not things I actually brood over or become bothered about, just instinctive knee jerk reactions which happen whenever I encounter them. you can get electric shocks, ---- but that doesn't mean your afraid of electricity.

That's my thinking on this anyway, sorry about the long ramble, I just found this a really interesting topic.


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#232576 - 06/22/08 02:40 PM Re: what do you fear the most? [Re: dark empathy]
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
I fear dying by my own destruction. Lately, I haven't been doing everything I need to do to take care of myself. Haven't been exercising, sleeping right, and have been very fond of the brewskies lately. I've been slacking on that. Working three jobs is no excuse for what I do to myself. I'm affraid of doctors. I fear the doc telling me, "Jason I have bad news.....". Yea, that one scares the holy bejesus outta me.

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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#232595 - 06/22/08 05:06 PM Re: what do you fear the most? [Re: endlessjourney]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
I guess I can say I have now been relieved of two huge fears..one that my Mom might have to endure a long existence of infirmity and suffering and two, that she might die a painful death. I no longer have to fear either of those things. I would say my single greatest fear now is that my last abuser will track me down and abuse me again. At least that's what I have most of my nightmares about.
I feel like a coward saying that, but it's the truth.

_________________________
My Story
My Art

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#232616 - 06/22/08 07:22 PM Re: what do you fear the most? [Re: Sans Logos]
Shy_Guy Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 4
Loc: Fremont, CA
I've been relating to everybody's posts, so thanks for sharing.

For me, my greatest fear is not being able to move on. I'm 33 and realize that all those years of ignoring things have come back with a vengeance, where I'm unable now to ignore the things that I practiced ignoring for some 20 plus years.

Jason


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