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#2314 - 08/12/01 03:44 PM Who be Flashing, Who Who,Who Who???
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
Everyone:
Flashbacks, todays answer to time travel!!!
As I read the post and stories and talk to guys in the chat room I have noticed that mostly everyone here has always remembered the SA. Not too many of you talk about recovering the memiores from "FLASHBACKS". In fact, only a few have said anything about this...did guys with flashbacks fucken die or something????
In the last year I have had 1,000's of Flashbacks, they have really slowed down lately but still come when I'm triggered. This has given me almost total recall of the SA. I can remember now why I got into the fisting thing so deep, it stopped the flashbacks for days...up to a week at a time. The flashbacks slowed down, I slowed down with the fisting? Did I do this for self med??? Like what the fuck, doesn't someone else have recovered memories?????????????
I want to hear from anyone who is "FLASHING" !!!!!!! Guys who have just started or who have flashed so much that they light their homes with it! No one else knows what it is like and I don't have the works to tell them ...like the SA was yesterday! Nothing is like the flashbacks, I need to learn more about them from the other guys who have them and maybe teach them a few things too. So if your're flashing please get back to me.

Still Flashing
Eddie
http://www.getteddie@yahoo.com


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#2315 - 08/12/01 04:11 PM Re: Who be Flashing, Who Who,Who Who???
Just Call me J Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
There may be some triggers here. My experience was pretty intense, though brief. I don't know about "flashING," as in present tense.

I had a single flashback, almost a month ago. None since.

For me, it took smoking weed, to put my mind in such a place to open up, and talk about my fears of abuse with 2 very close friends. Then after an hour of talking, and putting the pieces together, and feeling the rage build up, then, BAM!

Body memory. Lips pushed back, as though something were forced in my mouth.

My friends and I discussed things I could do to release my anger, safely, so I decided to scream into a pillow. What I most remember that while I screamed, this image just kept coming at me repeatedly; I could "see" a shadowed crotch before me. The wailing of my voice, in my mind, sounded like that of a small boy.

So I'm not left with much. I don't know who. I have a vague idea of when, due to the memories I was thinking of, before I flashed. But I don't know if that was the only time, or if there were other experiences. I have other memories that I've always remembered, but couldn't make sense of them. Maybe they are related; maybe not.

Maybe this will help you, Eddie; maybe it won't.

J
We're in this together.

_________________________
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

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#2316 - 08/12/01 06:45 PM Re: Who be Flashing, Who Who,Who Who???
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
Hey Man;
Thanks for the reply, glad we got at least one other flasher here! If you can remember one flashback, you can bet your ass that you have had lots before that you can't remember! I't called stuffing...sending the flashback back where it came from, only to come back again and again until you can remember all the details of the SA of that one time. If there were other times, there will be other sets of flashbacks for each time. I'm still flipped out from the amount that I have seen. Seeing a flashback means that you have a very smart mind, this doesn't mean that you can use it...it my be running your life it's self...like the computer that takes over. Whatever, you are smart because your mind had the ability to dissociate during or just before the SA. DD is leaving yourself and going somewhere safe to avoid the pain and what ever. Sometimes when the person is under 8 years old they split off into another person that takes the SA for them...DID. Now no one really knows what the 90% of our brains that we don't use is for...Some have said that it is the subconscious...everything the we experience in life is stored here, If you have DID that's where the other person is hiding and all the memories of every detail of the SA. You mind being so dam smart waits to a point in your life when it feels that you are ready to see the SA, so it starts with the Flashbacks. At first you are so shocked that you "stuff" the memories back into your subconsious only to come back until you stop and try to remember all the details...this puts the flashback into your secondary memory so you can put it up and look at it anytime....a lot of times when you don't want to. Enough for now...can anyone else add or correct anything?????????

Eddie


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#2317 - 08/13/01 02:01 AM Re: Who be Flashing, Who Who,Who Who???
fmighell Offline
Member

Registered: 02/19/01
Posts: 276
Loc: Anchorage,Alaska
Memory from the past, for one thing helps us learn normally, learning from our past experiences. Secondly we can't change anything that has happened from the past.
Mostly to get a better understanding of what happened, relating very clearly to an event.
Memory helps us to make our choices today, that we make. When we make the right choices today, then chances are likely better that their will be a tomm.
With what I didn't remember at first, I'd had split with my memory, when being rape by a man name Klous and my Dad just letting him do this to me.
Alcohol made him a weak man and not the strong father figure, that I made him up to be. I couldn't remeber why I was mad mostly at my Dad for the longest time. Entill it came back, that when my hands were being freed from the door of the garage, that I was holding onto and screaming and yelling at the top of my lungs rape and for help, kicking or twisting and seeing my Dad standing right by the window inside the house, next to the garage door, watching.
For the longest time, Dad never did anything, he was Dad, I was a loyel son.
He wasn't laughing or smilling or anything of the like, he had a bottle of wiskey, and looked more something like an old Piccuso painting, of a gray old man, his hands over his ears, with his eyes wide opened and his mouth opened in a "o" shape.
Sometimes I see this image in a Ford T.V. add for the Ford Explore.
weird
fmighell Anc Ak


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#2318 - 08/13/01 02:43 PM Re: Who be Flashing, Who Who,Who Who???
Just Call me J Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
I think it's simply called "The Scream" by Picasso.

It's very evocative. Dunno if my abuse is the reason that the image has stuck with me, or just the power of Picasso's image.

But I agree with you, fmighell. Memory should be about learning FROM the past, to make better decisions for our FUTURE.

Dissociation makes this work a bit hard. I've got some memories, that seem like they are looking AT me, from the outside, rather than the 1st person perspective they should be in. And they are the memories I have the most questions about.

I want to learn from these memories, but to do that, I need to get a better handle on it. My brain decided that now is the time that I can take it; so why haven't I been able to remember any more?



Oh yeah, recovery is a process, not an event, huh?

Dammit. Oh wells. The best I can do for now is to take good care of myself.

J
We're in this together.

_________________________
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

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#2319 - 08/14/01 02:08 AM Re: Who be Flashing, Who Who,Who Who???
fmighell Offline
Member

Registered: 02/19/01
Posts: 276
Loc: Anchorage,Alaska
For the best of me I still don't know, why? my Dad didn't do anything, and that's why I came up with the closest "image" to help me to understand with what I slowly remebered.
fmighell Anc Ak


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#2320 - 08/15/01 02:35 PM Re: Who be Flashing, Who Who,Who Who???
babs Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/01
Posts: 59
Loc: Cub Hill, MD
the scream...is the best dissription....good symbol for nomsv.
my father watched and did nothing too...left me open for years of sa.

eddie


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#2321 - 08/15/01 08:51 PM Re: Who be Flashing, Who Who,Who Who???
blacken Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1212
Loc: Northern Ohio
getteddie, you've touched on a very sensitive area for me. One that makes me shiver. I have had several. Hopeful never again. Many were very intense. With the first one, Tons of memories came flying back. That's actually how it all started. I had 'Forgotten' the years of SA. And then one day a Flash was triggered. It really was like being hit with a large stone in the gut. It was unimaginable scary & totally overwhelming. I still tingle with the though of how all this Shit came out. It happened After my dad died. He was a F---ing monster. Jeeze. ......THe thought of him, memory of him, putting a had on my shoulder. Holy Shit! I can FEEL the old terror creeping in on me. Wait....Im soory, this is too much.

_________________________
Everyone is a genius! If you were to judge a fish, by its ability to climb a tree,
it would think it was stupid all of it's life.
~Albert Einstein

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#2322 - 08/15/01 09:11 PM Re: Who be Flashing, Who Who,Who Who???
blacken Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1212
Loc: Northern Ohio
J
You made a comment I want to respond to. U mentioned u had memories that seem like there looking AT you. I had sone like that, which really made me doubt myself. But as memories got more clear, (more flashes) I found a missing piece. MIRRORS. That Fucker would bring big mirrors in the room so he could......shit, u know. Anyways, I've got a memory of seeing me, getting 'IT'. I didn't recall the mirrors' FRAME 4 a long time. That skinny piece of wood aroud the mirror went a long way is helping feel I wasn't insane, but at the same time it validated, for myself, that this horror is real.
I wish he had killed me.

_________________________
Everyone is a genius! If you were to judge a fish, by its ability to climb a tree,
it would think it was stupid all of it's life.
~Albert Einstein

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#2323 - 08/16/01 02:56 PM Re: Who be Flashing, Who Who,Who Who???
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
Everyone,
I just got back from my therapist. Like I have said before, this guy is top of the line when it comes to PTSD, DD, Male RTS and male SA. I like this guy for a lot of reasons, one being all the things that he plants in my mind to look at later. I got him on flashbacks today. No one else seems to know everything about them but this guy and he will only tell me a little at a time.

Today we talked about the top of the line flashbacks...the most important ones that you can have. Most people he hooks up to his computor with electros on the head...putting them into a trance which induces flashbacks. He is looking for this top of the line flashback...a flashback where you are an onlooker to your own abuse. Once you start having this type of flashback you are at the end of your long road of understanding and excepting your abuse. I'm not there completely but one out of ten flashs are like this for me now. I did see one thing that really freaks me out...my father not only let the abuse go on...but hide and watched me being raped...no wonder I have so much hate for him. So if you are flashing, it's a very good thing to see yourself being SA instead of you being SA. You will start to stand back and watch and really understand what happened and who's fault it was!!!

Still Flashing,
Eddie


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#2324 - 08/20/01 11:02 AM Re: Who be Flashing, Who Who,Who Who???
thunderbolt Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 119
Loc: mi
hows this for a flash, i circle around and around slowly sometimes fast, its black every where,in the middle of this is a moving picture,looks like mid-day sunshinny warm ,green leaves, lots of trees like in the woods, a dry dusty two-track, just off the side are two bodies one looks like a child on his stomach, no knees, no his liying two feet in the road just over the hump that leads into the grass off the road, hes not looking for anything,hes holding on to something, cant tell his eyes are shut to tight,but the larger body pressed up against him, his eyes are open seeing what he is doing, hes got something stuck in the others body, moving it back and forth like dancing, theres tears coming out of the others eyes,he dont look so good,dont look like he feels good ether...


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#2325 - 08/20/01 12:08 PM Re: Who be Flashing, Who Who,Who Who???
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
GRAPTHIC MAY TRIGGER


Real bad one on Sat. night...make that the day into the night...all fucken night and the next day...wore me out to the point of wishing that I was dead. With all this talk of anal sex...my old lady dicided to do it a while back...me doing her when I coul;d get hard enough...with a little toy store help. Now we starting doing it with her bent over the bed and both of us standing...high hand made bed. After a while with the pounding I started to flash big time. I went from myself a 12YO being abused to the mind of the abuser, then to an on-looker! I had to stop but the flashs didn't for like 24 hours! The same dam thing over and over...I think that I can remember that one! Just fell apart when it stoped...had to take a lot of pain pills from my elbow operation to get to this point. Don't think that I want to do that again!!!!!!!

Eddie


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#2326 - 08/22/01 07:56 AM Re: Who be Flashing, Who Who,Who Who???
Anonymous
Unregistered


I started flashing, maybe three months ago. (also smoked heaps of pot). At first it really freaked me out. It left me very bewieldered, lost and confused. To make matters worse, my own therapist downplayed the issue of SA when I first tried to speak to him....
anyway, the point is this. I have never been more thankful for anything in my entire life. Before, I felt like I was wondering around in circles, with no understanding or point. After having flashbacks which I have now started piecing together, I feel like jejoicing some times. I'm still dealing with huge anger, depression, loneliness, sexual identity rah rah arh, and probably will be for a while. but at least I know who I am.
It has explained so much to me.

The worst thing in the world for me? That I wouldn;t have remembered.


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#2327 - 08/22/01 10:02 AM Re: Who be Flashing, Who Who,Who Who???
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
Far fucken out; someone the gets down with his flashbacks and is thankfull for them!!! I know that that is the smartest way to go because it answers alot about your life. You must be really smart or I'm a complete dumb fuck....Has anyone else been flashing for 3 months and come up with heavy shit like this ? Now that's something I've really like to know !!!!!

Eddie


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#2328 - 08/22/01 11:59 AM Re: Who be Flashing, Who Who,Who Who???
Just Call me J Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
Hey Brett, I had my flashback due to smoking pot, too.

Eddie, you said that your flashbacks got worse when you took lots of pain pills, right?

It seems like the more relaxed our brains get, the easier it is for us to remember all this shit. It's got to be exhausting to cover up all this horrible stuff in the past. Maybe that's why I've always been so tired.

My flashback occurred when I smoked out for the first time in about a year, but I had the same compulsion to talk about what was on my mind the other times I smoked out; I was just in mixed company, and not with people I trusted. This time I was with my cousin, and my best friend, so I trusted them implicitly.

And that opened the door. I went to counseling the 2 days later, and my therapist suggested that I shouldn't be smoking any more marijuana. I agreed, because I was sure that I would have another flashback if I did.

However, the memory has faded considerably into the background in the weeks since I first had it. I almost feel just like I did, before I remembered it. Since I had repressed it all in the first place, I wonder if this is a bad thing after all?

I've passed up on so many opportunities to smoke out since then. I wonder if I should do it anyway, just to make some headway on dealing with my past.

I would rather deal with the reality of my situation (that's what my brain says), than the fantasy that everything is all right, and that I made it up (the "safe place" that my heart has gotten used to). It'll take some time to get my heart and mind on the same page.

J
We're in this together.

_________________________
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

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#2329 - 08/22/01 04:24 PM Re: Who be Flashing, Who Who,Who Who???
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
Getting high and getting flashbacks....Sounds about right...My flashbacks had slowed way down to almost a stop then wam, I get hit by lots of them and really bad ones. This all started a few days after having my elbow operation and really staying screwed up on pain pills...now I run out and they stop ??? I wanted to call the doctor for more pills but if I'm going to flash my brains out...NO THANKS !!!! I have flashed enough to remember and unlike Brett I'm not too happy about finding out. I guess it is good to know why I have lived such a strange life. Hey J you may want to smoke your brains out and find out what happened! Brett, That was real sharp thinking on your part. I've been flashing for over a year now and never came up with that one or if I did it was forgotten. I hope that you are young and in good enough shape to take this shit, your 3 months may just be the tip of the icebrige!

Eddie


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#2330 - 08/23/01 01:07 AM Re: Who be Flashing, Who Who,Who Who???
Just Call me J Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
Believe me, I've considered it. For now, I'll try the "traditional" methods like counseling, journal writing, and keeping comforting friends about.

However, if I don't see any developments, it may be time to ignore doctor's orders...

I'm not at that point yet. We'll see.

J
We're in this together.

_________________________
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

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#2331 - 08/23/01 10:14 PM Re: Who be Flashing, Who Who,Who Who???
Anonymous
Unregistered


I had exactly the same reaction from my therapist. Heres the deal, I'm freaking the fuck out because i'm reliving the experience of my father raping me after having had total amnesia of the event for 20 years.

And all my therapist had to say (heres the punch line) "stop smoking marijuana"

Now, if i had to weigh up the mental effects of marijuana on one side, and the mental effects of being sodomised as a boy on the other... so, I'm still smoking. and on monday, i;m going to find a better therapist, hopefully one that understands about sa, flashes etc.

Be careful though,smokind dope is a great way to get in-touch with your sub-concious. make sure trusting people are around afterwards so you can talk through the experiences you had. Take your time.

BTW, anyone here live in Sydney Australia. Would desperately love to reach out and meet someone.

Discovering this group; its like the biggest hug I've had in my life... but better.


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#2332 - 08/24/01 12:14 PM Re: Who be Flashing, Who Who,Who Who???
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
I agree...let the flashbacks set you free!!!! Brett, what you said about getting a new therapist is the best idea. It was hard for me to understand this, so I got drove nuts by a therapist unexperienced with MALE SA. Once I found one, it made all the difference in the world. You will never be OK with the SA until you see all the flashbacks and process them...remember them...so you can pull them up and study them. You my have to write them down but telling someone is good to. My therapist says that they have to come out, even if you have to force them or they will never leave you alone! The only bad thing about smoking pot and this shit is that pot efects the same area of the brain that the anti-depresion meds efect...so if you are on meds the pot screws with the efect of the meds...I still smoke which does make me more depressed. My therapist just told me not to change anything that I do...for now..until I get the PTSD under more control! He also said that it is better for the PTSD to smoke $1,000 of pot then to drink one case of beer...now there is a cool therapist!!!!!!!!

Eddie


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