Newest Members
lilac, The Wife Of, smusab, whiteflag, North101
12287 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
cyclebreaker (41), monkeybusinessinky (28), Tom Byrnes (55), wind west (30)
Who's Online
4 registered (bluesky, Obi, 2 invisible), 22 Guests and 6 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12287 Members
73 Forums
63219 Topics
442063 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#231355 - 06/16/08 06:28 PM Another comment from another new co-worker
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
My trainer/co-worker is the exact same as me, 39, but we differ greatly. (are you surprised?)

He's been asking me what I do for fun, etc. I reply, "not much", with "I'm new in town" being a good excuse to fend off more intrusive probes into my life. (not that I REALLY care, it's just that if I don't have any pre-cast answers, I don't really care to continue that type of discussion.)

Anyway..................

Breaktime...........we sat down together. He asked me if I had ever been married........."No."

"Any kids?"................."Nope"

He then said, rather brazenly, "How do you get to be our age without any baggage?"...................."I mean, I've got 2 daughters, one that won't even speak to me and I don't even know where she lives, and a 14yo step-son that just got out of Juvenile Detention for attempted arson, and I'm on my 3rd marriage now."

.............................................................
..............................................................
............................................................

Yeah.........exactly..........

Anyway, I then replied that I was very careful when I was younger because I never wanted to be a father when I was working poor class.

Please don't get me wrong, I don't feel uncomfortable discussing (some) of my personal life with co-workers, and he could tell that. He was in no way trying to talk down to me, rather, he was expressing his dismay over seeing someone that lives a lifestyle that's totally alien to him. Hell, I can easily laugh at myself and readily admit that I'm a social misfit. But I digress...........

His next comment, about how I had earlier alluded to not having had a GF in quite some time, he said "You need to get out more."

I just smiled and said, "Yeah, you're probably right."

Story of my fucking life! LOL


Top
#231356 - 06/16/08 06:38 PM Re: Another comment from another new co-worker [Re: Hauser]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Quote:
"You need to get out more."


If it were only that simple. I hate those kinds of conversations. They DO make me feel uncomfortable and feel like a social outcast. The other side of it is that, strangely, I feel thankful that I don't have the kind of "baggage" your co-worker has...three marriages, out of control kids...a life that is trapped. Given that, I bet he envies you in a way.

An old high school buddy of mine who I got together with last week is in that same boat...on his third (now failing marriage) has five kids from three different women and now has step kids that he calls the devil incarnate. He's envious of my "freedom". Irony is...is it really freedom for us? I know I wouldn't trade it for that kind of baggage.

Mike

_________________________
My Story

Top
#231450 - 06/17/08 05:39 AM Re: Another comment from another new co-worker [Re: Barkabus]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Hey Alan:

I read somewhere in the last year that Kevin Costner had just had another kid at the age of 52. What's that you say? His wife is only in her mid 30s? Plus when a close friend of mine growing up was 18, his dad was 67, and his mom was 63. So, there is still plenty of time.

Mike is right. I know plenty of people that now wish that they had been a bit more careful earlier in their lives. My old girlfriend B______ in Commerce City is one of them. Four different kids by four different guys, and only one of them was even close to current on child support. The oldest kid is going to be in jail for some time to come yet. And the only job that she has had since I knew her is selling and smoking crack.

Hey my man: You are in a new town with different economics. You have local support plus this site. And there is plenty of time left. Why you so down, eh? There is every chance that you can still accomplish most of your goals.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



Top
#233176 - 06/24/08 05:35 PM Re: Another comment from another new co-worker [Re: Trucker51]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Update:

Today, my co-worker gave me a clip-off tab from a flyer for a local board-game meetup group. It was for a strategy-war game. After I read it, I smiled and said thank you. He replied, "Just trying to help you get socialized around here"...............

LOL,........am I THAT obvious?


Top
#233181 - 06/24/08 05:57 PM Re: Another comment from another new co-worker [Re: Hauser]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
um...yes hehe

_________________________
My Story

Top
#233186 - 06/24/08 06:30 PM Re: Another comment from another new co-worker [Re: Barkabus]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
lol

"ahem" <-----------clearing my throat.

And what's THAT suppose to mean, Mike?


Top
#233205 - 06/24/08 07:13 PM Re: Another comment from another new co-worker [Re: Hauser]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Oops...I just saw a question mark at the end of your post Alan. It was just automatic...I thought you wanted an answer...hehe

_________________________
My Story

Top
#233415 - 06/25/08 07:28 AM Re: Another comment from another new co-worker [Re: Hauser]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
damn people can be nebby.

what strikes about this scenario is that it reminds me of how in situations like this i am have the tendency to yield my power to people, feeling guilty if i don't satisfy their curiosity by answering their questions. i know that's a result of the abuse and growing up in a family system that uses such interrogation tactics. i immediately go into 'i'm think i'm gonna wet my pants now mode'. what do they expect to accomplish by having this information? what business is it of theirs to have any information about me. i almost never consider myself as they are doing their invasive probing. not until after when i am left to bask in own my residual feelings of shame for having answered dishonestly, or not to their satisfaction.

along the way i learned to give non-answers, just so they would get the message indirectly that they are crossing a line.

people can be such people sometimes!

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#233420 - 06/25/08 08:16 AM Re: Another comment from another new co-worker [Re: Hauser]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Originally Posted By: Hauser
"Just trying to help you get socialized around here"...............

LOL,........am I THAT obvious?

No one is truly "obvious" in my opinion. Don't assume you are, it's the others that get away with making assumptions.

I would like to say something like "Don't yield yourself to him, he's getting carried away and taking a dominant position in the friendship." But you and I both know, that those statements don't help us at all. What we need are details and specifics.

It sounds like this guy may be trying to reach out to you, but at the same time it sounds like he could be viewing you as a sort of "friend project". That sounds judgemental I know, but then again I think there is something to learn here. I would say give the guy the benefit of the doubt and see if he lets you down. If he does, it won't be your fault for trusting, it will be his for being shallow and only interested in himself.

I have a question. Was he looking to join this group as well or just handing it to you like you need help?

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

Top
#234285 - 06/28/08 10:36 AM Re: Another comment from another new co-worker [Re: cbfull]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Oh, he was just giving me some ideas to explore. He's NOT a judgmental person at all. He knows that I'm new in town and was just showing me some forks in the road that I could take. I just get a kick out of how I'm not "normal" sometimes. You know what I mean? Married, 2.3 kids, always home with a family, etc.


Top
#234964 - 07/01/08 03:31 PM Re: Another comment from another new co-worker [Re: Hauser]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
I'd just take it for what it's worth, Alan. Doesn't sound to me like he was trying to be dominant, and he did give you an inside scoop into something your interested in. Right?

But we both know the hardest part is actually showing up to the gaming group. That's when the anxiety hits...the feeling of how much better it would be to stay home in familiar surroundings.

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#234986 - 07/01/08 05:14 PM Re: Another comment from another new co-worker [Re: BJK]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1938
Loc: durham, north england
BJK, I can't believe I'm not the only person who had this problem. Most of the reason I think my problems got masked so much during my degree is there were so many places I had to go and things I had to do, that even on my bad days, even feeling anxious, I didn't have a choice. Now of course that i'm a post grad, I'm much more left to my own devices, and facing the anxiety of meeting a new group of people is something that's been hard, ----- even though I know once I get started I can usually get on with people, ---- despite the fact I have the "Your worthless, their only Tolerating you" thing going on.

Hauser, being as most of the people I run into are students and thus don't have kids (though I have met a couple that did), I don't generally have that problem, but the "do you have a Gf?" has been a really painful one for me. I even get asked it a lot because people mistake the copy of "The Ring from Lotr I ware for a wedding ring and think I'm married (despite the fact I'm wearing it on the wrong hand), ---- though the idea of me being married is even more unthinkable than me having a Gf.

In the past few years, I've been responding in a very flippent and self-deprecating way to that type of question, as a way of generally hiding my dispare.


Top
#235275 - 07/02/08 01:49 PM Re: Another comment from another new co-worker [Re: Hauser]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
what's normal? who defines what is--isn't? each person for themselves as I see it.
each persons situations is different

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.