you struggle
fight
claw your way to the surface
and gulp in air
before the next wave of filth
slime and decay
pushes you back under

it was bad then
it feels worse now
there's no escaping it
your only choice is to go through it
or not go at all

fatigue sets in
exhaustion takes its toll
on your mental
physical
and emotional resources

breathe
must remember to breathe
stay present
watch
pay attention
don't get snagged

there is no place to rest
this is not the time
you have to keep pushing
struggle
strive against the current

gain a little
pull yourself onto something
anything afloat
to catch your breath
before you're knocked back down
floundering
drowning
in the pain of your own existance

it's too big
too vast
i cannot comprehend the wholeness
as it is too great
too large
and i
i just don't have the strength

breathe
just hold on
if nothing else
let it be known
you never gave up

therein lies the reward
the total glory of it all
knowledge
that you never gave up

that's why you keep going?
vain ego?

there must be more
there HAS to be more

i can't last much longer

Mark,

Your words are so "awesome", especially to me. The reward that you hit on that "you never give up".

I always in my mind focus on the words of this site, Male Survivor. We are survivors because I feel for most of us "we never give up" I feel we know that as you say, there must be more, there HAS to be more. And with determination there IS MORE> We survived a life that was so not fair, so mean, so ugly, so screwed up, so abusive to our minds and body's.

Yes, there just has to be more. And I feel that is why most if not all of us are here, because there is more to life than what we got. So for me I struggle, I cry, I become angry, sad, lonely, I ask why me, I ask how come. Then for some unknown reason, I put it all behind me and say "THERE JUST HAS TO BE MORE TO LIFE THAN THIS"

Thanks for your words.

Ken

the key phrases ... "for some unknown reason" and "I put it all behind me".

I guess i'm still looking. Either for the reason - or the strength to just "put it all behind me."

Right now it is so heavy, so massive.

Thanx for the reply.

M

Mark,

I don't think we continue out of vain ego, though yes, sometimes it certainly feels that way. Looking back, I think I somehow sensed that I could never really be beaten unless I gave up. There are some things that can't be taken from us; they can only be abandoned. I don't know if this makes any sense, but this vague feeling got me through many a dark day.

Much love,
Larry

... this kinda adds to the shame/blame layer ...

I suppose one could take it that way, Mark, but what I mean is that there is always reason to keep trying. That is, there are indeed things about us that just can't be taken away from us - not by abusers, not by anyone. We may in fact leave them for a time, but if we will just come back looking for these resources they will be there.

Much love,
Larry

i would give anything to be able to believe that right now. thanx, Larry - for always being there, for wanting to help me see the "up-side" to things. right now i'm not there. i hate always feeling at the bottom of the pile. i hate that most of the time i detest myself and this existance i'm leading. these are the times i feel most helpless and hopeless - and i hate being a downer to everyone. i'm sorry, truly sorry that i can't see the sun right now. Thank you for trying.

wow markK thats a deep poem and I know those feelings well and I am there at the moment and I suppose you would of heard others say you cant give up alse they (the perps) have won? I cant say whether giving up matters or not but I can say is we can find what is good in life we have that chance to do that for ourselves yes its not easy and dam its harder in other times and as i am saying this i know its true we dont live for our (perps) but for ourselves that is the choice we can make for ourself.

if it takes one step one breath one heart beat one thought one song one poem one love one spirit one soul one body and one life.
so be it at least you know I know we never gave up.

Be gentle mate with your
self.... I believe in you
Charles auwarrior

Thank you.
Everyone.

i do appreciate the thoughts.

Mark, my friend,


I try because you are worth it and I know you can do it. It is what it is. Take whatever time you need. You are not a downer, not for me and not for others either, I bet.

Much love,
Larry