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#23090 - 10/15/03 09:25 PM CONFRONTING MY PERPETRATOR
YOGI Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 9
Loc: ALABAMA
LAST WEEK I SENT A VEY DAMNING( REALISTIC VIEW OF EVENTS WITH MY PERP). NOW I'M VERY SCARED THAT EVEN THOUGH I DETAILED EVENTS AS THEY WERE-ESPECIALLY FROM A CHILD PERSPECTIVE-THAT ITS ALL GONNA COME OUT-EVEN THOUGH I KNOW IVE GOT HIS POWER RATHER THAN HIM HAVING MINE AS I ALWAYS THOUGHT- I'M SCARED AS HELL-KEEP GOING TO THE"YOU BETTER NOT TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS OR WE'LL BOTH GET IN A LOTTA TROUBLE-I'M SCARED-I DONT WANT THE SHAME EVEN THOUGH I KNOW ITS NOT MINE, IT WOULD BLOW THE DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY OF ORIGIN TO H*** AND BACK-I NEED SOME ENCOURAGEMENT-ALSO* HAVE NOT RCVD REPLY

_________________________
IN LIFE, ITS PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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#23091 - 10/15/03 10:54 PM Re: CONFRONTING MY PERPETRATOR
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Yogi:
Confronting one's perpetrator is something that should not be done lightly. There is an article that deals with disclosure and confrontation. I strongly suggest you read it.

While it may be too late to consider what you have written, it is not too late to prepare yourself for what may or may not happen.

The article can be found at:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/Survivors/Adult%20Survivors/Articles/singer3.htm

Hope this is helpful.

Ken


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#23092 - 10/16/03 03:15 AM Re: CONFRONTING MY PERPETRATOR
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
yogi
It is very brave of you to confort the evil man that harmed you. I hope that you have love ones and firends around you that know about your SA. You will need people around you for surport that you are safe with. take care of your self. Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#23093 - 10/16/03 03:18 AM Re: CONFRONTING MY PERPETRATOR
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
yogi
It is very brave of you to confort the evil man that harmed you. I hope that you have love ones and firends around you that know about your SA. You will need people around you for surport . Take care of your self. Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#23094 - 10/16/03 02:29 PM Re: CONFRONTING MY PERPETRATOR
Sinking Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/03
Posts: 577
Loc: Took my ball and went home.
Yogi - I agree that is unbelievably courageous of you to even think about confronting your abuser. But I also want to urge you to follow the link that Ken suggested. Read the article and think long and hard about what you want or expect to come from confronting your abuser. Then think some more about what other outcomes might be possible...I wish I had the forethought before I confronted my abuser by telephone a few weeks ago.
What I wanted and expected was validation of my experience; acknowledgement of the pain and suffering he has caused me throughout my life; maybe a shred of sympathy or remorse and, ulitimately, to regain the control he'd taken from me.
While initially I did feel in control because I'd caught him off guard (he hadn't heard from me in 30 years, had forgotten who I was), in the end I only feel more hurt and frustration. He was in his office when we first spoke, being realistic I knew this would not be a place where he could speak freely. We arranged for me to call him at a more opportune time. As I suspected he would, he avoided me for the next two weeks, both at his office and at his home. He always let the machine answer and never returned my calls when I left messages. Then, finally, last week he did pick up the phone in his office. He said "Stop the calls. This is harrassment" and hung up. Can you imagine? After all I've had to endure because of what he did, the pig couldn't handle a few wphone calls. This left me reeling, empty, deperate, angry, infuriated, depressed...pretty much any negative emotion there is, I felt it and am still feeling it.
So, sorry for the rambling but I want to help you to avoid falling into the same trap. These assholes are cowards, they were then and they are now. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck...and if you decide to go in person, please bring someone with you who can intervene if your emotions get the best of you.
Peace.


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#23095 - 10/17/03 12:06 AM Re: CONFRONTING MY PERPETRATOR
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Yogi,

Please follow Ken Singer's advice and read the article he has linked. Confrontation can be a double edged sword and we would hate to see your perp turn it upon you. It's not to late to get some preparation for the possible reactions.

I wish you the best of luck and the result you desire.

Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#23096 - 10/17/03 01:53 AM Re: CONFRONTING MY PERPETRATOR
bowman Offline
Member

Registered: 04/19/03
Posts: 72
Yogi,
You are a brave guy. The perp might not give you what you want from him, but at least you stood up for yourself.

Sinking,
You are right, the perps are cowards. And a lot more words that I won't print here. I'm sorry you didn't get what you hoped fjrom the confrontation.

Take care all.


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#23097 - 10/18/03 01:32 AM Re: CONFRONTING MY PERPETRATOR
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Yogi, you have gotten lots of good advice and support here.

Your perp may never answer you--but you can be sure he is not sleeping so well these nights. He knows you have gotten the power and that is really the thing he fears.

Sinking, you too are a courageous guy. Your perp is messing his pants emotionally. You don't reakky need to have anything from that creep. The power and strength are in you. I think it is great that you guys have rattled the cages of your perps. But Ken's article really is a great thing to read and reflect on.

Take care guys--and thanks for your courage. It kind of tickles me to think of the perps being made to confront their evil. At least, that should keep them from even thinking of offending again.

Cheers guys!

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#23098 - 10/18/03 10:46 AM Re: CONFRONTING MY PERPETRATOR
Sinking Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/03
Posts: 577
Loc: Took my ball and went home.
Thanks Bob, for your vote of confidence. My abuser may think he has put me off and won't have to deal with me, but it's not over for him yet. I plan to take the legal route and if the case is too shaky, or the statute of limitations has run out (I'll find that out very soon, I've contacted an interested attorney) then I plan to expose him to the media who would be very interested since this teacher has been linked to a high-profile media sensationalized case already. I hope he's losing sleep. I hope he's feeling just a sliver of the agony I've been through for the past 30 years. It aint over yet. ;\)


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#23099 - 10/19/03 07:00 AM Re: CONFRONTING MY PERPETRATOR
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Yogi,

I congratulate you on your ability to confront him. I know that it takes courage. HOWEVER: I do wish to warn you that any act of confrontation WILL have consequences.

I will tell you some my story. I have occasion at times to see my abuser at sports competitions during the year (he was my sport coach for some years). Always, since I leave him, when he see me, he will make rude comments at me, he will push or slap me, he knows I have fear of him.

Not so long ago, I wrote long letter at him, telling him he will not be able to do this to me again, that I am not in fear of him anymore. I tell him what I think so much of him, and that he is evil man. And I sent copy of that letter to two other people also.

I did not think I would have to see him again until this month, and I was making plans to confront him, to not be alone, to have support with me when having to maybe be near him. But instead, it was by surprise I see him last month at competition I am at with student I am coaching. And I DID confront him, and felt very good and strong of doing it. But I made mistake following day, and was in position that he was able to hurt me again, and he did, not in sex way, but physically. Because really, I was not at all prepared for confronting him at that time, and I was not prepared for how I would feel after, how to deal of all those emotions.

So please, whatever else you may do in this confrontation, please make sure that it is on your terms, that you have planned it out, that you are prepared for it to go differently then you wish, and most of all, that YOU remain safe of this person.

Please message me if you wish, I will be honest with you and do my best to help and support you.

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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