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#23071 - 02/12/04 08:33 PM Part of my life, possible trigger
FlyWM Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Michigan
I can't take these new memories of what has happened to me. All of it has made me truly crazy, makes me hear and see things, and even feel things that aren't really there, makes me feel disgusting, used dirty. I have a great fear of sleeping, I get by on maybe a couple of hours a night, sometimes less, I hate this fear, it is a fear my father instilled in me, he tried to smother me in my sleep many times, so I am so scared to sleep. I can't eat, feels wrong to have anything in mouth, and feel I am not worth even the food, it should go to someone better, someone who isn't crazy. I am terrified of the dark, because some of the worst abuse I suffered occured in the dark. I can't stand to be touched by anyone, it scared the he** out of me, just the thought of being touched scares me. I can't have anyone behind me, because that scares me too. I get startled and scared and triggered so easily. I am just so scared, and don't know how I have made it this far, and am scared to continue on further in my life. BUt I will go on, I will not let them, my abusers or these dam voices win, I will fight to stay alive at least. I just hate this all. I am having such a hard time and don't think I am worth the work, don't feel like I am worth being, but I will be, just to spite everything that has hurt me. It is just so hard sometimes. I am sorry.

scott

_________________________
Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible in not a declaration, it's a dare.

--Adidas

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#23072 - 02/12/04 08:58 PM Re: Part of my life, possible trigger
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Scott,

It sounds like a real rough ride. I have new memories coming back now, and trouble with the dark. My poor wife has trouble sleeping thanks to me. Not the idyllic life I would have chosen by any means.

I am glad you show such a strong will to win in your post. To hell with the abusers and the legacy of pain that they leave to us! Sometimes going on just to spite them is the best we can do, but it gets the job done.

We're survivors. Getting through is what we do, and sometimes it is damn hard. No one who has not been here can know just how difficult.

I hope that you can get to a better place soon.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#23073 - 02/13/04 01:13 PM Re: Part of my life, possible trigger
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
Its hard but it is possible to get better and better at surviving.

I have my up and down days (the down days tend to be very down) but today is an up.

I realized this morning that something that I find soothing is getting ready in the morning to leave the house. Taking a shower, shaving, dressing in something that I like and looking at myself in the mirror and seeing something good, however small it may be.

I know what's like to not want to do these things and that is okay too sometimes.

I sleep on the couch with a light on. In restaurants and waiting rooms I chose a seat with the wall at my back.

I still resist falling asleep but it is easier in a different kind of place than a bed. I had to start this a couple of years ago when the memories started returning. It started as just a resistance. No matter how tired I was, as soon as I hit the mattress, I found myself wide away and vigilant.

Sometimes the feelings of being sneeked up on are very strong. It helps a lot to know that no one can because they can't walk through walls.

I also find being touched to be a really horrible invasion of my space sometimes. I have to remind myself that I don't have to explain why I cringe or slip away from being touched or don't want to be hugged, etc., that its okay, too.

All these things are natural responses to having been abused. Its okay if it takes a lot of time for them to change. Anything that helps me cope with these terrible feelings is good.

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#23074 - 02/13/04 08:31 PM Re: Part of my life, possible trigger
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Scott -

I only have to go back as far as Dec 18th last year to be where you are now. I was in such a state that I had to get away from work - I had all of those voices in my head that had built up over the years (34 years) and I was bricking it!

Now - a good therapist / friends that are aware (I have a scale worked out with them, so if I feel threatened in social situations I give a number between 1-10...1 being chilled / 10 being hell) and support on this site...result I now have a different problem (a nice one ) and that is dealing with the silence in my head. The voices went gradually, they still appear from time to time, but now I tell them to **** off when they interfere with what I'm doing. I still have my moments but feel much more in control. My 1:10 scale - I've only used it a couple of times & my panic levels have dropped almost immediately, simply because I can verbalise it in such a simple way.

One of the main things that has helped me get to this stage, is the amount of people that have told me that I am in no way to blame for what happened to me... and I now believe that! You also need to believe that of yourself.

I couldn't stand it if a friend put an arm around my shoulder (nothing more than that) because in my subconscious that led elsewhere. I can now just about 99% trust the people that do care about me...it takes a lot to get there. I don't know where your abuser is now, but remember NOT EVERYONE IS LIKE THAT PERSON.

When I was at my worst, it was very difficult to eat. I just about lived on peanuts...thankfully they are quite feeding. You deserve to eat good food, so try to eat the best you can. I also learned to avoid too much coffee as this was making me both dehydrated and hyper...this obviously did not help my other issues.

It's difficult to trust and have faith in yourself and others, but you can do it...believe me it gets better...it's not easy.

Wishing you much strength and support ..Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#23075 - 02/14/04 03:27 PM Re: Part of my life, possible trigger
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Scott,

I regret you have to go through this s**t. At least you don't have to go through this alone, you have a lot of brothers to help you through this.

I am too going through remembering for the first time what I have blocked out throughout the first summer of SA, you have been there for me, thank-you.

I have spent many nights sleeping on the couch because I get afraid to go into the bedroom. I have spent many years of quaking at going into party stores, which I successfully did Friday. I currently still jump if someone comes up behind me. Trains and fire trucks freak me out. I'm starting to sound like a basket case, so I will stop, but there is more.

So much has improved since I began addressing my SA. Addressing my SA has also spilled over to the physical abuse I have suffered. I no longer flinch and duck when my boss walks by. I no longer feel guilty or ashamed of what happened to me; because that is what it was, something that happened to me, not something I did. The perps are the dirty ones, not me or you.

Keep up fighting, you will prevail over them.

Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#23076 - 02/18/04 04:29 AM Re: Part of my life, possible trigger
Texas_Mike Offline
Member

Registered: 01/17/04
Posts: 135
Loc: San Antonio, Texas-The Lone-St...
Your stronger than you think, FLY..

Kick the negative thoughts out of your mind and spirit.

You are an achiever. Believe in yourself.

_________________________
"Passion, excitement, and confidence are the important medicines that you need every day"

Run 2 Live-Live 2 Run

Best,
"The Desert Runner" Mike

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#23077 - 02/18/04 05:11 AM Re: Part of my life, possible trigger
Angry_youth_86_Keith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/06/02
Posts: 103
Loc: Olympia, Washington
I think what you are going through is rough. But the only way out of it is sheer will and mind power. Our minds interpert what others do and that causes us joy or pain or somewhere in between. So the only thing in this world capable of changing those things is your mind. and some may say easyer said then done but what isn't. So to get through this I wish I could say I belived other ppl held the keys but they really dont *In my mind*. Really the only person that can mussle through this is you. Everyone can push them selfs much much farther then they think, its all a matter of will power. I know that everyone here *or belive so from my experienceswith them/there posts* that everyone here has the sense of what happend to them being wrong and the fact that they did NOT deserve it to mussle through these issues. Also it may seem like a troubling task to do but can u imagine tryin to push trough them making anything worse? I can't.

_________________________
"Ignoring mortality, we worship mediocrity"- Greg Graffin

"Live fast, die young, leave a great looking corpse"-Ronny Van Zant

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#23078 - 02/19/04 06:26 AM Re: Part of my life, possible trigger
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Sometimes what you posts scares me, with how familiar it is to me. I'm sorry you are going through this.

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#23079 - 02/19/04 01:25 PM Re: Part of my life, possible trigger
FlyWM Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Michigan
Thank you all for replying, it means a lot to me, helps me feel less alone. I am still trying to fight it all off, and am doing ok with it, just is hard work at times. And it is hard to believe I am worth this hard work, but I will continue to try.

Leosha, I am sorry my posts sometimes scare you, I really don't mean to. I just post what is in my head.

THank you all again.

scott

_________________________
Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible in not a declaration, it's a dare.

--Adidas

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