i just cant understand anything in my head today. i had a few good days. i felt alright for the first time in ages. and now i feel worse than i did to begin with. i know its probably just one day and it will pass. but everything seems hopeless today. i have no self esteem. and that really sucks. it sucks to admit it. and it sucks to see how much it affects my life. i feel like everyone can see through me. and see everything thats happened to me. and i know that really, people wouldnt blame me or think its my fault. so why is it so humiliating. i cant get close to anyone. i want to so badly but i cant let my guard down enough to trust anyone. i dont trust myself. i feel like im really going crazy. one day i feel alright and i have some hope. and the next day everything is falling apart. does this shit ever go away? ami ever gonna feel like im not a freak? im so tired of feeling like i dont fit in anywhere. like im so different from other people . like i have all this messed up stuff in my head that they wont understand. i just dont want to feel this alone. it sucks.

pUpPy, I am sorry you are hurting so much.
Its not easy to go through, and nobody thinks you are a freak.

It is hard to deal with the emotions of humiliation, its real hard.

I went through so much humiliation since I was 10yo its just like part of my life, but it is not nice to be there.

I am real sorry you are going through these things that hurt, but it should never be your hurt,

ste

"Puppy"

The very handle hurts.

Wish I could have you here in the farm and ranch country of Southern Colorado.

Healing comes but often slow.

Sheep, goats, cattle and horses, dogs, cats, racoons, foxes, shunks, and more. I supect all
freerer than you feel but sometimes when you are healing you can look deeper into that "pit".

That is why some of "healed" guys come back here to post.

I sense you will do just fine, but wanted to support where I could.

"Guess I'd rather be in Colorado"

Joe

that was from a song I expect you do not know.

Hey puppy,

I know that feeling. There're days when you're so happy, you wonder what's gotten into you, almost - you go out with friends, or see a good movie or do something you really love and you seem to forget, but it feels kind of fragile.

I guess the best I can say is that every day for everyone has its ups and downs, and for you those can be a lot more drastic, simply because you have so much higher highs in reaction to so much lower lows. I know those days when it hurts you so bad you feel like someone's strung something around your chest, like any minute you're going to burst, like people are looking right through you and feeling like you have to lie about your feelings just to get through the day. No one should have to feel that, ever, that uncomfortableness in your own skin. But those days pass, and just by talking about it and working through those bad days, you'll have more and more good days. I know it's lousy to hear that on bad days because they're like a whirlpool, but when you get out every time you're a little stronger, a little happier. Pretty soon, we all hope, the bad days'll get less and less and finally just become memories of bad days.

Just the fact that you're trying to describe what's going on means you're fighting back. It's all right to have bad days. I'd say remember those good days recently and remember, those will come again. Maybe next week, maybe next month, but they're going to come, and you're going to be all the stronger and happier at the end of it, and able to help others be the same way. So don't give in to the bad days, even when it gets so bad you feel like falling down where you are. There're good times ahead.

Puppy:

Healing is sometimes like a roller-coaster (without the fun). Our emotions go through ups and downs - it's no fun. But you're not a freak, you're not crazy. You are a sensitive man who has been through a childhood hell that most men have never experienced.

As you go through your healing process, you will find the peaks and valleys less frequent and not as high/low. they will start to even out. It takes time, so don't try to rush the process.

Take some time to be good to yourself, even if it's something as simple as taking a long bubble bath with a good book.

We're always here, and we always understand what you're going thru.

SD

Wish I had something more profound to say that hasn't already been said.

I don't.

But I care.

It isn't always going to be like this. You're strong just for keeping on keeping on.

Puppy,

I wish I could point to a fix, but its not out there I'm afraid. I think this is all part of the process of healing. When I was going through this, at an age somewhat younger than you are I think, it hurt so bad that I finally succumbed to denial. I had no one to talk to and nowhere to turn. You are on the right track, believe me! You are able to talk about things and you have people here to support you and help you through the bad patches. Fighting your way through unfortunately isn't a flat-line continuum, so sometimes it seems like you are going nowhere. Feeling ashamed, alone, hopeless: I tell myself that it wasn’t my fault and I’m not alone – the conflict arises because knowing something isn’t the same as believing it. Dealing with that is also part of what I need to do.

I can’t say from my own perspective whether it ever ends. All I know is that friends here tell me that the effort is worth it, so I believe them and carry on. I can see that I have made progress, and that alone is enough to keep me going.

Hang in there,
Larry