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#229721 - 06/08/08 03:50 PM Well, I told ****
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1993
Loc: durham, north england
Well, I've done it. I think it was two weeks ago when i sensed that **** did actually care for me in some way that I resolved to tell her, despite the fact it was me falling in love with her that sparked off this hole recovery business, ----- and even more despite the fact that I very much know she's with someone else.

I started off by warning her that it wasn't something particularly easy, telling her I didn't want her to be upset by it, and asking her whether or not she wanted to know.

she said she did.

her first reaction surprised me. Outraged shock!

She was more angry at my abusers than I was, and actually slightly shocked at the cause.

she knew there was more going on with me than symple unrequited love, ---- she actually thought I was suffering clinical depression, not something with a highly defigned cause and effects.

I think she was slightly stunned, and I was rather worried for her at that point. I suppose though, the three other people I've told had all guessed partly before, and had all known me for several years, where as I've only known **** for a few months, ---- though we are deffinately close.

We then had a general conversation about love, and related matters, and what I was doing now. I think she's more angry than I am, but I hink she is alright.

I didn't go into details with her of course, just admitted the where and when and what it'd done to me, especially as that related to my general problem with relationships, and her in particular, not to mention where I was now.

all in all it was good, and I couldn't have asked her to be any different than the way she was.

the only slightly bad, ---- or at least bloody unlucky thing, is that i was wrong. She hadn't found said person a year earlier. she'd got together with him in october, ----- with me asking her on november the 12th.

Neither of us could say if things might have turned out ddifferently, nor is that a good game to play, but i can't help thinking it's a bloody awful coincidence, and that in some parallel world I'd now be sorting these things out together with her in a much more complete sense than I am. then again, in a paralell world I wasn't abused, so it goes.

One slightly good, ---- or rather helpful (sinse obviously incredibly! bad for the person involved), coincidence is that she had another male friend who was abused by a woman, so she was well aware such things could, and did, happen. In fact that was one thing that made her angry sinse she said if my abusers were male and I female they would've been punished or prosecuted.

but it does seem to have come out well,and people here were right, that telling her was a good idea. so thanks to Marissa, Trish, Roger and everyone else for the advice on this one.





Edited by dark empathy (06/10/08 04:36 AM)

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#229730 - 06/08/08 04:23 PM Re: Well, I told **** [Re: dark empathy]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
Dark Empathy,

I am so glad it went well, it can be such a hard task. The surprising thing to me is, how many people will sense something is wrong, but not ask. We go through life wondering and making up the "what if's", but when it comes down to it, we can't know how things will turn out. "What if's" just continue to encourage our silence. Once we do share, the truth will present itself, and then all the worry and dread of the "what if's" seem silly.

I think you have made a friend for life, she seems to be the type who will stand by you. If her situation changes, you will have built a friendship that can continue to grow and maybe blossom into a romance. Remember, part of friendship is loving, caring and trusting someone, you have proven that you do love, care and trust her, by being honest and sharing.

I wish your friendship all the best, and I know it is a big relief to finally get the truth out.

Be good to yourself.

Luv ya,
Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#229838 - 06/09/08 10:36 AM Re: Well, I told **** [Re: Scoutvictim]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1993
Loc: durham, north england
thanks carl. At risk of sounding like a bad Hollywood film, I actually hope her situation doesn't change.

One reason she's been so sympathetic, is that she says she utterly understands unrequited love, having experienced it a lot herself, ----- and has even been in a relationship where though she was totally in love, she was just being used. She's now in a really good place, and because of the way i feel for her, I genuinely wouldn't want that to go wrong.

Of course, part of me stil wishes she could return my feelings, ---- but out of her own choice, not just out of need.

I'm sorry if this sounds arrogant or as if I'm trying to be noble or anything stupid like that, it's just genuinely the way I feel, mutch the same way I'm happy my russian friend, who is virtually my sister (or brother, sinse gender roles betwene us are a bit of a joke), is very perminantly with someone.


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#230186 - 06/10/08 08:17 PM Re: Well, I told **** [Re: dark empathy]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
DE,

What wonderful news! I knew, ok, not really knew, but strongly suspected that you had a great friend in this lady. I'm very glad that turned out to be true.

I'm not the slightest bit surprised that she was angry. Why were you? Wouldn't you be angry if someone told you what you told her? Never mind, I'll answer that - Of course you would! Because you're a caring person who doesn't want to see others hurt. Maybe you can try to give a little of that care to yourself, K?

In the meanwhile, congratulations on confiding to a person who cares. I'm sure that was very hard to do.

ROCK ON...........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#230474 - 06/12/08 12:23 AM Re: Well, I told **** [Re: Trish4850]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1993
Loc: durham, north england
Thanks Trish. It did help to tell her, not just because of her reaction, but also to clear the air in one sense.

Caring about myself just doesn't feel quite as easy, and it's one thing I'm tryint to work on, but haven't been able to as yet, sinse it seems so much more difficult, and I stil haven't mastered it.


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#230528 - 06/12/08 07:26 AM Re: Well, I told **** [Re: dark empathy]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Ahh, but you are trying DE, and continually learning to better yourself, for yourself. I truly believe that if you can have empathy for others then the ability is there to have it for yourself. It just takes time to figure out how. You'll get there.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#230666 - 06/13/08 12:48 AM Re: Well, I told **** [Re: Trish4850]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1993
Loc: durham, north england
Thanks trish.

I wouldn't say trying to better myself, just to remove some of those things which I thought were perminant, like my constant feeling of worthlessness. Some days this is a fairly major battle, especially in my down periods, ---- but at least from things like this I can see that things are moving forward.


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