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#230567 - 06/12/08 12:38 PM Fakers and Takers
JasonSmalls Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 142
Loc: NJ
You know what I really hate.... is when people say "Don't complain. There's people out there far worse off than you." That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. For one, what if there's nobody worse off than me. What if I am that one person that's worse off than anybody else? And two, I think that's just a line people use when they can't just tell you they don't really give a shit about what you have to say or care how you feel.

I'm getting so sick and tired of what other people say and the way they treat me. It's" you're not good enough cause you're a faggot," or "you can't understand because you're not old enough," or "we've all been there." Yeah, I might be a faggot but that doesn't make me any less human than anyone else. I have feelings too ya know. Why do I have to be older to know the way some things are? That's like telling an American History expert that he can't teach you anything about George Washington because he wasn't alive 230 years ago.

I'm in panick mode today. I'm picking on everyone and anything I can think of. This asshole on another sitetricked me into thinking he really gave a shit about me. We were communicating back and forth for like the last six months and then it turns out that he's all fake. The guy, who I thought was 22 and from Akron, Ohio turns out to not be 22 and not from Ohio. It turns out that he could've been some kind of perv or something and once again, I fell for it. It doesn't matter whether I'm 3, 8, 14, or 17. Another guy has tricked me into believing him and that he understood me. I swear I feel so betrayed right now nobody can even begin to understand it. I know, you're probably thinking I'm being so dramatic and theatrical, but fine! whatever! Say what you want! Yeah I'm that fag that acts too girly and flamboyant. That might be true, but I don't lead people on and flat out lie to them.

I just don't get it. How could you lead somebody on like that and get them to the point where they tell you very detailed stuff about personal experiences and then you just betray that trust? Don't you fake people know what you do to people like me? I'm already fucked up and I already can't stand my life. Does it make you fake people feel better because I fell for a joke or a trick? You're just takers. That's it.

Because of what you did, John, and that's probably not even you're real name, I will have an even harder time trusting people. You claimed to be my friend and I thought we were friends, but you just used me for some sick twisted fun. It's not right. I felt bad for you when you told me things that your father did to you, and I cried about these things when we were chatting. I wished you didn't have to go through so much and I wished you could get better and we could help each other out.

I told you things I never even told my T. I never told my grandpa or anyone else. About a month ago I started to suspect something but I didn't say anything to you. I'm always suspicious about people anyway, so I just figured I was being paranoid. But last night when you asked me, "Do you ever miss it and do you wish you could go back to it?" That was it. I knew something wasn't right. And I had to tell someone. And to answer both your questions, "Yes I do."

I've always had this nightmare of me being in the room while my uncle is doing things to me, except I'm not laying on the bed. I'm standing up and I can see him doing stuff to me. I can't see my face but I know its me. I just stand there frozen and I don't do anything. When I's awake and thinking about this dream I always wonder why I don't try to stop him or do something to get him off of me, or him, or whatever. Why don't I yell for help in my dream or hit him with something? I just can't figure it out. I don't tell many people about that dream, but I have told you.

Yes, I wish I could go back to it, because I "miss"ed the opportunity to tell someone. If I could go back I would protect the "little me" and I swear I would beat him and punch him and kick him and do whatever I had to/ And I would definitely call the cops. But I can't.

Hey Fake John from Ohio? Just in case you're on this site too lookin for attention for ur sick game.... this is Real Joey from NJ saying Fuck You Asshole!

Hmmm... I feel better. \:\)

Joey


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#230570 - 06/12/08 12:57 PM Re: Fakers and Takers [Re: JasonSmalls]
Justintime Offline


Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 50
he asked you if you miss it if you wish you could go back to it? sicko ;( Im sorry, i hate people like this, i know plenty of them to, i fell for a lot of lies too, just keep falling and getting hurt because you dont trust anyone but you want to so when someone seems real and like they care you just want so bad to bea bel to talk to someone because its lonely not having anyone to tell who gets it. sorry if i make no sense this upset me reading it, i get it, everyone i ever trusted hurt me so, no more, ill try this talking thing but i dont want to get to know anyone. glad you feel better.


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#230592 - 06/12/08 03:00 PM Re: Fakers and Takers [Re: JasonSmalls]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Joey,

That's just another aftereffect of the CSA. I would trust people that I shouldn't have and distrust people that really were looking out for me. When our boundaries are so blurry that we can't tell the difference it just adds to the confusion in our lives.

That's one of the problems with cyberspace, it's all just letters jumbled together on a screen. Anyone can say they are something that they aren't. They eventually trip themselves up by forgetting the lies they've told before. But the betrayal that occurs is devastating to someone whose trusting nature has been used against him in the past.

Don't give up hope. With time you will develop the self respecting boundaries that will protect you. And don't call yourself names. I'm gay but I'm not going to label myself with someone else's derogatory name. I was so afraid of being labeled as a 'fag' when I was growing up; I was so afraid of anyone finding out about the CSA; I was afraid of living my life.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#230611 - 06/12/08 04:57 PM Re: Fakers and Takers [Re: Stephen_5]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Joey,

I would urge you - really! - to tell someone you trust when something like this happens. Don't think you are paranoid or messed up, or stupid or overreacting. Just go to someone safe and ask your questions; he will understand and will try to help you. There really are certain questions that ought to make you suspicious and you can also ask yourself a few other things. Does this person seem to need special secrets? A safe adult doesn't. When you talk to the person, does it seem to be all about him, his needs and what HE wants? That kind of selfish attitude is typical of someone who may not be safe.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#230645 - 06/12/08 09:33 PM Re: Fakers and Takers [Re: roadrunner]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Joe:

Steve and Larry are right. The internet carries with it the potential for abuse. In my nice suburban neighborhood just recently, a perp was working MySpace with a fake profile. It wasn't discovered until there were several teenage victims involved. Just a few months ago, I was on another support site for ex-cult members. I used a pen-name and didn't give a lot of information. But almost right away I had close supporters of my mother from her wacko church trying to intimidate me off of the site. It is hard to believe that the few remaining members of a dying cult church would get off on trying to intimidate former members off of a support site. But now I know that such hatred is possible.

I hope that you didn't share critical information with this guy. If he knows your email address, phone number, or home address, I would either A: Call the police, or B, if you want to be a little more anonymous, call a rape crisis center. A phone number ought to be listed in your phone book or available online. If this guy makes any kind of move those are the kind of people that should know ahead of time. I know how hard it is to trust anyone or reveal anything. These people are there to try to help you, my man.

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. And wanted to let you know that there are people out there who will try to gain advantage of your trust for the wrong reasons. Just be careful, my man. Learning to trust in an adult manner is hard enough growing-up even without the CSA issues. I know that you wanted to be able to trust someone. Here on the site there are a lot of people who you can trust, who understand your issues, and who know at least some of what you are going through. It isn't your fault. Wanting to be wanted is a human need, even more so when you are a teenager. Please be careful, my man. None of us on here would want to see you get hurt.

I hope that you are doing OK, my man.

Trucker Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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