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#230536 - 06/12/08 09:00 AM telling
Justintime Offline


Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 50
I told someone i know, nothing with details or anything, just said i was abused as a kid. he said he always knew there was a reason why i was so fucked up. he was joking but i didnt think it was too funny. maybe i was being to sensitive about it, i didnt say anything about it i just left the room, later he asked me if i wanted to talk about it,i said no. after that he asked me if things were going to be weird between him and me now, i said that was up to him. now today i feel really stupid and exposed and needy and thats not me i never asked for anyones help for anything before. i didnt ask him for help but by telling him i think he thinks i want him to help me somehow. wish i could take it back. im feeling real bad about it.


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#230538 - 06/12/08 09:09 AM Re: telling [Re: Justintime]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
JT,

I can understand how you feel, but you should not consider that you were stupid to ask for support and understanding from a friend. That's what we need to do - reach out for the help we need. You may well be feeling vulnerable right now because of his initial comment and because now the secret is "out".

His first comment was unkind and careless, but remember that when we tell people this kind of thing they are usually totally unprepared for it. They don't know how to respond, and as a result what they say may at first be very far from what we needed to hear.

From what you say, it seems to me that your friend realized that he had replied inappropriately. He came to you later and asked if you wanted to talk, and then later again he expressed concern that this will affect your friendship. Maybe I'm wrong - I wasn't there, of course. But it sounds to me like he was just totally taken by surprise at first, but now wants to be there for you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#230539 - 06/12/08 09:17 AM Re: telling [Re: roadrunner]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2575
You're experiencing what I've grown to call "post disclosure panic". Every time I've shared with someone, usually that night or the next day I go it's full panic mode about it and regret having said anything and all the what if's run through my mind.

This too is normal. I'm glad he did come to you and ask about if things were going to be weird, it shows that he cares for your friendship and it also shows that it hasn't made him uncomfortable to the point where he can't talk to you. Also I think that fact that he asked if you wanted to talk about it shows that he's not uncomfortable about that fact either. A few people I've told flat out don't say anything to me any more, and a Pastoral Mentor I've been working with for a few years now, can't say anything more than "hi" and "how ya doin" since I told him and add that that he can't even make eye contact with me just makes it all bad.

Hang in there Justin. Larry is right, he probably just wasn't prepared for it. Don't push em away. When you're ready to talk, he'll probably be a huge support for you. He cares enough to want to help you, which is cool. Wish I had someone local that felt the same way for me. I've got my wife, but sometimes just talking to "another one of the guys" is really what I need.


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#230544 - 06/12/08 09:57 AM Re: telling [Re: JustScott]
Justintime Offline


Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 50
thanks. there is more to it then what im saying but i dont want to talk about it here. but yes probably he was just surprized tho he didnt seem surprized but maybe he was and just hid it by making a joke. i dont know. when he wanted to know if things would be wierd now between us i think he meant it in another way not a "are we still friends" way but "are we still going to have sex" way. im not sure he is kind of selfish and i dont know why i said anything to him. we were talking about something related and it just came out. or maybe he does care and want to help, but i dont like feeling like i need help.


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#230594 - 06/12/08 03:14 PM Re: telling [Re: Justintime]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Feeling like you need help means something like feeling helpless doesn't it. I hate that feeling too. It reminds of when I really was helpless; helpless to do anything about what was happening.

As far as are we still friends vs. are we still going to have sex, that is something else. I would hope that he is truely concerned about your well being and not just about him getting off.

I disclosed to a very old friend of mine just that I was sexually abused when I was 11. His immediate remark was somethibng like "lucky you". I never talked about it with him again. I couldn't tell him what happened to me was such a betrayal by someone that I really looked up to. That it made me hate myself. That I kept it a secret for way too many years. He was clueless and still is.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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