I have no time for anything but to think about sex
I stayed up all night one day this week, no sleep.
On the days that I work I get up at 5:15 and drive
1 hour 15 min. I barely got there and back. I am struggling bad. Today I got rid of two sights that lead to meeting others. That should help. I clould use a gtoup hug, but over 1000 guys might hurt. I will ad more later I am still overwhelmed by all this.

MJ - Here (((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))!!

Sorry you're having problems. The hug was from deep within for you, another survivor!!

(((hug))) one more for good luck. Hope it helped 'cause I am not used to giving hugs!!

Howard

((((((((MJ))))))))

MJ,

I was up most of the night one day last weekend, and it sucked. Hang in there, the storm will pass.

((((((((MJ))))))))

Joe

Michael
We all have days worse than others, we know what it's like my friend.

Thinking about you.

Dave

MJ I know exactly how you feel. I have this terrible urge to go back to re-enacting my sa and I am terrified that if I do I will harm myself. It is like a narcotic.

((((((((((((((MJ)))))))))))))



Hang in there my brother, pat yourself on the back for getting off those sites. A strong, healthy move.

Be gentle,

Aaron

(((((((((michael)))))))))

I've had a lot of sleepless nights. Had one just last week.

Keep on kicking 'em and hanging in there.

One more for the road (((((((michael)))))))

Bill

I am sscared

really scared

why am I doing these things

sex with guys even jo only

help

repeating the abuse is all I know at this point it has consumed me.

Hello MJ,

One of my favorite questions is "why", or maybe I should say it's one of my least favorite questions.

Why do I drink obsessively? Why do I need to medicate myself with drugs? Nicotine? Iced cream? The occasions leading to empty sexual encounters/intimacy? I wish I could just go through life as if this questions mattered no more or less than the others, "what when where how", but in reality it does, and keeps on thrusting itself into my consciousness nagging for resolution simply for the sheer result of mental physical emotion spiritual balance and integrity. I think that this is what I've come to associate mostly with happiness.

I've managed to make up a lot of answers, which then produced more questions, but at least it got me through.

If what you are feeling is a result of a realization that the thing you're seeking is no longer providing the desired results, then I call that PROGRESS brother. You are asking because you're tired of this phase. You are ready to have the answer, and it is already inside you. Keep asking, keep seeking, keep knocking and the door will be opened. It is already opening, in that you are able to recognize that you are needing a different emotional response to these encounters than you previously anticipated and enjoyed.

This is just a perhaps: You are being beckoned thru the fire. It hurts cause it feels like something is in the process of losing you, but really, you are in the process of losing it. Such allurements are losing their delicious appeal for you, and you are responding in kind. Since coming here, you are experiencing a healing in parts of you that you may not even be aware as yet, and your current crisis is just a glimpse of this. You are no longer willing to continue to choose these behaviors, because in doing so, you know that you are allowing the abuser to exert his power over you again and again.

In a way MJ, I think as survivors of victimization, that this is our destiny, to wrestle with this devil for the rest of our lives. That's hard to accept, but necessary.

For myself, I came to see the incidences of self-medication in any form, whether they consumptive, or just reflected, are nothing more than an attempt to relive the first moment in my life when I was taken so casually by the hand and led into the world of foreplay, orgasm. Since this happened at a time when I was not ready to comprehend them with my own level of understanding, I became interrupted, stuck, sort of like the arm of a record player being stuck in a scratch, and my life became a quest to daily revisit the moment by trying to recapture the events. My life became a daily attempt to further complicate what was meant by my abuser to be merely some matter-of fact , hit and run rape.

Eventually, through asking that dreaded question "why", i found I was able to unravel my mystery, and then was able to relive the moment as a grown up, with my own power, and I rewrote the>

Hello Michael!

I stayed up half this last night, felt angry and worried at the same time. It happens once or twice a week.
Hope you are feeling betetr soon!

Eric