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#230316 - 06/11/08 10:59 AM Gay Abusers? TW.
Nyjah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/14/07
Posts: 610
I know that not all abusers were gay or are gay but I was just wondering if any of yours were? My cousin was abused by her mom who is gay and adopted her when she was 3.


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#230318 - 06/11/08 11:16 AM Re: Gay Abusers? TW. [Re: Nyjah]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Nyjah,

None of my abusers were gay, but I'd like to comment on this. I think the best way to look at it would be to say, yes, some abusers are gay. But at the same time, some have red hair. Would it make sense to say that we should watch out for redheads because maybe they are abusers? Obviously not.

Homosexual sex is something that two people choose for themselves; it's okay for them and they have decided this how they want to share with each other sexually. Either partner can stop at any time, and both of them are partners in the decision to have sex, same as in heterosexual sex.

But abuse isn't about sharing, choice, and equal partnership in sexual decisions, Nyjah. It's about power. It's what happens when one person uses their authority or influence over a child to trick, manipulate and betray him into doing things that he is too young to understand or agree to on his own.

Some boys feel terrible because they think they were "in on it", but that is always untrue. Every boy needs love, affection and attention, and if an adult uses those needs to get sex from the boy, threatening him that if he doesn't do it then the abuser won't care about him anymore, then that just shows how powerful the abuser is. It doesn't mean the boy really made an informed choice.

Lots of boys also look back and remember how they got erections, had orgasms, and if they were old enough, ejaculated as a result of what the abuser was doing. Abusers will often crow about this to the boy and use this as a "proof" that he "likes it". The boy may remember this and figure that this shows there is something gay going on. But that's untrue too. If a boy has had these things happen to him, all that means is that his body is working right. Almost any boy, if he is sexually stimulated, will respond. That will happen even if the boy is scared and doesn't want this at all.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#230339 - 06/11/08 02:06 PM Re: Gay Abusers? TW. [Re: Nyjah]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6810
Loc: USA
My first abuser when I was 4 was married but gay. He was apparently a photographer for a studio in LA and took moveis of me and his son together. Then he had me to some gay parties which were way over my head (lol).

Some of the other abusers of me were predatory in the same way that a wolf will track down its prey. They weren't interested in the sex of the prey so much as in "scoring". But yes, they probably only perped little boys. What does that mean?


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#230348 - 06/11/08 02:40 PM Re: Gay Abusers? TW. [Re: pufferfish]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
My abuser was an older kid in the neighborhood. He married a girl (also from our neighborhood) and they had 4 kids. I heard recently that he divorced his first wife, telling her he had a one year old baby with another woman and left his family for her. During his abuse of me, I was not allowed to move or make noise. I was only an object for him to ejaculate into -

he is/was not gay - he is/was an abuser. I am gay - I am NOT an abuser.

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#230350 - 06/11/08 02:50 PM Re: Gay Abusers? TW. [Re: dannym]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6810
Loc: USA
Did what he do to you influence your gayness?


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#230352 - 06/11/08 03:15 PM Re: Gay Abusers? TW. [Re: pufferfish]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Yes, in a way. But it did not make me gay... as a matter of fact, it was the abuse that made me doubt my orientation. I had an experience in college and had so much guilt because of what happened to me, I ran from it - got married, had 2 beautiful kids... Just recently, throuhg a LOT of soul searching, I came to accept that I am gay... was born gay. My abuser made me afraid of intimacy - full of guilt and shame.

So, for me, it took working on my CSA to discover who I truly am sexually. Once I "came out" to myself, I knew it was right - I felt like myself for the first time in my life.

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#230355 - 06/11/08 03:26 PM Re: Gay Abusers? TW. [Re: pufferfish]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Originally Posted By: pufferfish
But yes, they probably only perped little boys. What does that mean?

What it means is that they were pedophiles, not that they were gay. The vast majority of pdeophiles identify as heterosexual and would be shocked to hear comments that they might be gay. When they have sex with adults they stick to women, and many of them are married - not to conceal homosexuality but because they are genuinely hetero.

So we are back to the point that sexual abuse is about power, not about sex as such. Abusers get off on having so much power over a boy that they can oblige him to give up the last thing he would want to do with them - sex.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#230372 - 06/11/08 04:41 PM Re: Gay Abusers? TW. [Re: roadrunner]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Nyjah:

At least two or three of my 10 different abusers were most likely gay. One was a sadistic gay top. And yet another was a violent and alcoholic married family man. Another was a two-tour decorated Vietnam-era Marine who has since married and had kids. Another was a guy who enjoyed being around a bunch of naked 11 and 12 year-old boys. I can't say much about the sexual proclivities of my early abusers except to say that all of my abusers seemed to get off on having power over and control of a much younger person. That was one constant of all of my abusers. They all enjoyed dominating a younger victim.

If you have read my story you are probably asking 10 perps? It has been so long since then, and so much has been gone over, and I have moved so far away from where I was then, that I plain just forgot about the 10th one. It was a weeklong adventure in rural Vermont after I had been tossed out of high school in 11th grade, at the home of a friend of an aunt's. At the time it felt like I was being punished by my folks, even though my aunt claimed right away afterwards that she had not known. It was mainly a physically abusive experience though he forced me to be nude and minor molestation was involved too.

It is a tough question to try to share with a young guy like you. I have one question: Was the weight that you shared given in pounds or in kilograms? I just wondered. I weighed 112 lbs on my 12th birthday, and was 5'4", just so you know. Now I am 6'5", and over 330 lbs. In high school it seemed that I couldn't gain weight, but by age 19 or 20 I had shot-up by 25 or 30 lbs, and by age 23 I was up another 25 or 30 lbs more. I stayed at that weight until I was 40. Then watch out for your metabolism to slow down. You won't need to eat nearly as much after it does. (Note: 1 kg. equals 2.2 lbs./330 lbs.=150 kg.)

Hope that you are doing OK, my young friend. When I was young I would wear four layers of clothing under my leather jacket, just to make myself look heavier. I did it partially to try to make potential abusers look elsewhere, but it was a not entirely successful strategy. Don't worry, my man, someday you will be a lot bigger. Glad to see that you are making good progress.

Trucker Mark



_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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